Changes with the changes and the changes

Well, changes have come. I don't even know where to begin, there have been such huge changes with me. I'll start with the band news. On Jan 9, I went in for a fill, they put in .5 cc and things were ok for a day. I started to really get hungry between meals and my hunger was popping up every 2 hours or so. I am supposed to be going without eating for at least 4 hours at a time. My meal sizes felt like they were increasing- certainly past the 1/2 cup point, and I was grazing at night, which is a big warning sign that it's time for a fill.

So I went in on the 16th and got another fill. The fill nurse was surprised to hear that I was feeling hungry and that my meal sizes were getting larger because I had lost 5 lbs in that week. (more on why later) So she added another .25 cc and sent me on my way. So far things are good. I feel full much faster and don't get hungry as often. I think we are pretty close the green zone. 

I ended up getting stuck with some tortilla the other day. That was unpleasant. It just sat above my stomach like a brick. I was driving and eating-a breakfast burrito from mcdonalds (which was my best option from there- I didn't want a muffin or biscuit, but I HAD to eat something right then) anyway, a few bites and I was plugged. I drove for 15 minutes more, pulled over and yacked it back up. MAN was that a relief. It just feels so awful when it sticks. Yesterday, I ate some turkey meatloaf too quickly and got stuck again. Meatloaf usually slides right on through, but it was a big bite, I was in a hurry to get out the door, and I swallowed too soon. I had to bring that back up too, and was really glad I did. 

So I am learning slowly about applying some of the bandster rules that didn't apply before I was adjusted properly. Still feeling great, the tenderness from my port is pretty much gone (unless i'm laying on it in yoga class- it's like laying on your keys- OUCH!) Things are good in that department.

The second and largest change is that I have separated from my husband. We have been separated for a little over a week and it has been hard not going back to my old habits of eating to comfort myself. Luckily I don't have crap here to eat, so that helps. I notice that at night I feel like I need some vital comfort and I reach for food. Even if I am NOT hungry. It's bad. So dealing with a huge trauma like that really brought up some deeper issues for me to tackle. I have to invent new ways to make myself feel comfort. Hot beverages work (tea, SF hot chocolate), but it doesn't always. If I begin to feel munchy I will take myself out for a long walk. I have been walking for about 1 our at a time, exploring the neighborhoods around my apartment and enjoying the music and the alone time. But sometimes I get back and still feel like I need some comfort. It's a challenge.

Thirdly, I have run out of prozac, and cannot get more unless I see my doctor in Poulsbo- where I don't live anymore. So I think that has played a role in me feeling lost about how to cope with things. Maybe things are weighing on me even more because I don't have the help with my depression.

So I have contacted the therapist at NWWLS, Linda Ayers, and will be starting to see her regularly. She can also prescribe some prozac which I am hoping will help me. I know it won't perform miracles, hell, my marriage is ending! But it will help to have someone to talk to, and some medication support.

So far into this journey of single life, I am doing okay. Have tried to stay busy. As long as I do that, I feel good. Yesterday was a good day. I went out for my hour long outing around Greenwood, then came back, went out to Fred Meyer to pick up a mop and some lighting hanging hardware, a shower curtain, etc. I came back here and CLEANED THE FUCK out of this place. Rearranged the furniture, put away the weird computer crap of Matt's in the closet, Took the two twin beds we had been sleeping on and stacked them so now I have a like a princess and the pea thing going on. It's like sleeping on a really tall layer cake. Mmmmmm...... I am making this place my own. It feels good to do that. If feels cathartic. It feels like the kind of thing I have been waiting to do for a long time.

I miss having a companion from time to time, but I keep going back to the memory of the way things were and how unhappy I have been. Each time I examine it, I think I am making the right choice for me. Yes, it's sad, and it hurts, but we will both heal, and move on to be happier people. I truly believe this.

Gotta head for now,

xo

J