An update for September 2011

Well, after a bit of a hiatus, I am back to post something. What have I been up to?

Since my last post, a few big things changed in my life. Mainly- my job changed. I decided to leave the credit union after 10+ years. I was offered an opportunity that I couldn't refuse and I have been off for a full month as of today and I am doing okay. I have freelance design projects in the fire and $-wise we are doing very well. I begin my new position "officially" Oct.1 as far as I know.

Second, since my last post, Cory asked me to marry him. So I'm officially engaged! Feels weird after having been married before for nearly 10 years, divorced since '08 and having transformed my self and life into something more, or at least something I am really happy with. We plan to get hitched next August if all rolls out the way it should. Also- honeymoon in Paris! YES! FINALLY!

Third, Cory and I are getting a puppy! We have had her "reserved" for 6 months or so- long before she was conceived- and TODAY is the DAY! She flies in from Florida on a special pet shuttle flight and arrives tonight at 11:30. SO excited to be a mommy- and excited to have a walking companion as well!

Can't remember if this was in my last post- but I was skating roller derby in August and I managed to tweak an old injury in my knee. Had an MRI done- and found massive damage from a fall I took in 2002. Torn meniscus on both sides of my knee and possibly semi-torn ACL as well. I meet with the surgeon tomorrow to discuss my options. My doctor told me to keep working out. I can walk on flat surfaces fine, any incline whatsoever hurts. Biking, Swimming, Walking, Elliptical, all things that are low-impact, I am supposed to continue to do as long as it doesn't hurt. I have been inconsistently moving on with that plan.

Last week Cory and I vacationed in the Redwoods and did a LOT of walking and hiking through the woods, and on the beaches in Oregon, so I learned quickly what my limits were there.

Weight management: well, it's just steady. No loss. A little gain each month heading towards my period, and then the little gain goes away a week later or so. I have not been exercising regularly as I said.

Have good and bad food days- but try to eat mostly good real food most of the time. Haven't been drinking at home- had some drinks with dinner while on vacation, but then again I also had bread and croissant. I figured I was on vacation and it would be alright. I spent some nights uncomfortable due to my eating choices- upset stomach, too full, indigestion, etc. Funny how you forget how it works- you put crap into your body- you get crap out- and you FEEL like crap.

I had a slight unfill about a month ago when the stress from my job was too much and I was constantly PBing. Now after having some time to relax, heal my stomach, etc. I am ready for a fill again. Hungry too often- even when I eat real food- I get hungry too soon afterwards. Think I'll go for a .5 cc this time as my unfill was a full cc if I remember right. I am looking to get back to the green zone. I feel like I haven't been there in SO long!

Feeling like I might gnaw my arm off soon- better go make some oatmeal and cut up some cantaloupe. We'll see how long this lasts- I should start a log on my iPhone.

We are worth the effort band tribe! XO
Jen

Quiet Morning & Introspection before 7 a.m.

Yesterday, I got up early and went out for a 3 mile run. It wasn't an excruciating experience. I felt good when I was done and I felt proud that I completed my workout. I also noticed that my hunger wasn't as pronounced, nor did I have as much trouble eating a healthy breakfast (a.k.a. - fruit and such didn't get stuck like it normally does at that early hour).

Since I can't run everyday, (if I did, I'd end up injuring myself- need to give the muscles time to recover) I am up early again- but at a loss as to what to do. I decided to follow up on some freelance paperwork and estimates I needed to get sent out to clients, have some coffee, and just be.

As far as the workout goes- tonight I'll be skating in training for roller derby (my camp starts this Sunday! I'M PSYCHED!...and scared I'll get my ass kicked) for at least an hour so that'll be my workout for the day. (did you know rollerskating burns an INCREDIBLE amount of calories per hour? Upwards of 500!!)

Good news- the scale tells me that my extra water weight was indeed just that and that I am down around 3 lbs less than last week's average daily weigh in. I believe it's because I can't stop drinking water! I swear I pee more than anyone I know. I realize this is good for me. Keeping it going is the goal.

So this morning's "introspection" seems more like freewriting- no real ground-breaking or even band-related things to talk about...well maybe one: Tried to eat pizza for dinner last night- that didn't work out well even though it was thin crust. (advice to the band tribe- if you are still trying to eat pizza and bread when you are really after losing weight- go get your head checked- even if you don't have trouble with bread- it's the old addage, just because you can, doesn't mean you should. I continually push this envelope and know deep down this is why I have experienced my weight loss stall!)

After suffering the consequences of choosing pizza, and exercising damage-control by drinking some hot water, I had a nice bowl of lowfat cottage cheese with some canned pears. Protein. Produce. Check.

The nice thing was, I went to bed without feeling hungry.

Well, it's getting light out. Best get on with my day. Wish I had a couple sick days to take- because I'm SICK of the bullshit at work!

Have a great healthy day tribe!

XO

Jen

p.s. REMEMBER YOU ARE WORTH ALL THE EFFORT IT TAKES!!

Showing Up

Since my last "freakout-du-jour", I have been trying to be more gentle, more loving, more aware of what my body and my mind need. I am also trying to trust the things that I become aware of.

I got on the scale this morning and it said "hey- you gained like 4 or 5 pounds since Friday- what the hell??" And I was all "what the hell??" So that wasn't a great start to the day. I am a week out from my period and so that helped to explain a bit, but it sucks because I am more hungry than I usually am-also more cranky/sensitive. Being aware. Breathing into the beautiful reality that I am imperfect. Water-weight does not a bad-girl make.

So my previous experience with awareness this weekend is funny. When faced the leftover chocolate cake brought to our weekend barbecue by a friend, I had the option of hanging onto it in case we wanted a snack later or tomorrow, or pitching it in the trash immediately. My first instinct: Hang onto it! I mean it's nearly HALF a black forest cake (which to the food addict equates somewhere up there with gold bouillon at first glance) and there are starving people on this planet and how could I waste this??

Then I thought about it some more after I left the kitchen, while I was sitting in bed with my ice water and a good book-Safe from the cake. Then it popped up- (inner monologue: there's cake out there you know...wouldn't that be good about now?) And that creepy-poltergeisty inner voice is was what triggered the decision to throw it away. Not the next morning, not the next day, THAT VERY MINUTE. And the stupid thing is, as I crammed it into the garbage can, was that I had to keep repeating the mantra "FOOD IS NOT A RARE TREASURE...THERE WILL BE MORE OPPORTUNITIES TO HAVE CAKE IN YOUR LIFE". I successfully got the lid to the trash closed and retreated once more to the bedroom brush my teeth and drink some more ice water.

I beat the cake. Fuck you, cake. I am stronger.

Today, after several weeks of tumultousness at work I finally know/ decided where I stand and what I want to craft my future to look like. While the immediate outlook is not optimum for the next 4-5 months, it's a smart decision. Regardless of the smartness of the decision, there is a part of me that is still screaming for revenge and wanting treats to quit having to feel this dread for all the changes coming up. I want to numb out. I flirted with the idea of getting a cookie for breakfast, I flirted with the idea of going and buying a GIANT mocha and whatever else chocolate I could possibly get my hands on, I flirted with the idea of buying a HUGE serving of mac n cheese for lunch and letting the cheesy goodness melt me into a trance.

But then I realized, yes, while I was hungry, I also hadn't taken my anti-anxiety meds yet for the day, and therefore I was in no condition to be making food choices in that state. I took my meds. I drank a vitamin water. I went and bought about 3 oz of protein (lemon chicken) and 1/2 C of produce (chickpea salad with olives & tomatoes). And now I sit- letting my meds do their thing- finishing my drink so I don't drink while eating, and letting the calm wash over me a little.

This is an example of being aware and hearing my needs, and then being the adult in the situation and taking care of my needs in a responsible way. Proud of myself today. Hoping to continue this success into the evening with a workout and an early bedtime.

And now for my next trick- I shall try to eat my lunch without PBing. Small bites, chew, chew, chew, Stop when I'm full. So simple and yet SO easy to overlook on a daily basis after you've been banded a while.

XO Tribe Friends!
Jen

To my lovely Band Tribe

I don't know if my responses to your comments are sent to you all, so I am going to just repost a blanket response to you all here.

Dear loving followers of my often random blathering,

Thank you for your outpouring of support and kindness today with regards to my post on Wednesday. Yes, it was a pretty low day, but I know too well after having been through a divorce and a terribly abusive childhood that I am stronger than circumstances and that this, too, shall pass.

I have a wonderful therapist and a support system I can utilize anytime I need it, so I know I am not alone. And now, you wonderful people-seemingly coming out of the woodwork, I feel I can add to my support system!

I thank you for all your warm responses and general outpouring of support! The lap-band community is really tight! I had no idea! I am so grateful to be a part of it!

Thank you again wonderful lovelies!

XO
Jen

This has very little to do with the lap band

My life is in a state of flux. The company I have been with for over 10 years is being absorbed by another company. My job and it's soundness is up in the air. I have been waiting for WEEKS to find out what's going on and the not knowing is killing me. I am, yes I know it may be shocking, a SERIOUS worrier.

I have what seems to be a promising interview with another place at the end of the week, but I am hoping I can handle to commute. All the unknowns are SO bothersome to me.

Beyond all this, I started some new antidepressant meds to add to my antidepressant meds and I was feeling much better for a few weeks. But yesterday and today I feel like I am sliding backwards. I think maybe 4 pills a day is too much and I should cut it back to three and stay there a while- see if it helps. Today life was so overwhelming that I went to work, did all I could (which isn't much because we are in such a state of flux), drank a 16 oz white breve mocha, which has like 17,000 calories in it... and I managed to get down an apple fritter with a little help from my mocha. So all-in all, I blew most of my calories before lunchtime. I took some more anxiety meds and tried to relax. Not so much. I just wanted to cry. Or sleep. Or cry myself to sleep.

So I opted to leave work an hour early and come home- and right now I am in the process of getting pretty hammered on blueberry vodka and low-cal lemondrop mixer. I want to numb out in the worst way. If the vodka doesn't work, I'll go for some pain killers. If I wasn't such a chicken and was a lot more stupid I would go for a LOT of pain killers chased with a LOT of vodka and just be done with it all.

This is not a happy place to be coming from. Cory wants to marry me. I want to marry him. We will have a furkid in a few months. There is lots to live for. I have a partner who loves me so much and takes such good care of me- but still lets me be who I am and still respects my independence. But my sadness and uncertainty doesn't really want to hear about that shit. It feels crappy NOW. It wants relief NOW.

Backing up a few steps and looking at the real situation here: I got about 4 hours of sleep last night. I am really really stressed about my work and my future. I am still trying to get my meds right. I have people who love me and care about me. I am a talented artist who just needs to find her niche. I am sitting in my backyard in the (intermittent) sunshine with my feet up and a cocktail in my hand. It is peaceful and lovely here. I have so many things to be grateful for.

Am I telling myself horror stories based in no fact? Yes. Am I worrying myself threadbare about things in life that I have NO control over? YES.

Maybe this is what they mean in those 12 step programs about surrendering to a higher power. I need to release the need to control (which I don't really have anyway) and hand it over to the universe. Trust that it will send me what I need when I need it. That is really hard to do. There are so many things in my life that I had to stand up and fight like hell to make happen- I didn't just sit and wait for it to come to me- and now I have a hard time releasing that M.O. I feel if I don't stand up right away, take action right away, that I will miss some grand opportunity... that I will be forgotten by the universe- that I will be passed over in the divine sense and left to fend for myself.

Okay- BLAMMO- that vodka is hitting me. I am gonna need to wrap this up soon. Otherwise I'll start going on about something inappropriate or secret that is best left buried.

On the upside- since the last post, I have lost 5 pounds- so there is that.

A vodka-soaked good evening to you all,
J
xo

Hard to Love Myself

I bought a really cute sundress today. And it doesn't fit. Not even close. I have been greasing my imagination wheels just enough to convince myself that I haven't gained THAT much, but then something like this reality hits me SMACK in the face and I am forced to keep my eyes open and look at the facts.

This is hard for me to share.

I was at 190 lbs. in November of 2009 before I had abdominoplasty. Then I had surgery and it took a LONG time to recover. I never got back to that level of athleticism that I was at. And I changed my lifestyle completely from what it was when I moved in with my Sig other. Since then, my weight loss journey and goals have taken a back seat to my life's drama, my depression, my frustration, and I fell swiftly back into medicating with food. My athletic endeavors shrunk to almost none. The reality today is that I am at 228 lbs. That's a gain of 38 lbs over the course of a year and 6 months.

How did this happen? I feel like I have failed myself. I feel like suddenly I am ill-equipped to get myself going in the right direction. Drowning in my depression and fat. No control. No life-raft.

But I stay afloat-(insert fat buoyancy joke here) and keep paddling. Hoping that the switch will flip back on and I'll return to the place I was- where losing was a priority and medicating with food was not an option, and where my depression didn't rule me so very much.

I know I have the strength to battle this out. But sometimes, you just get tired of fighting. I want to put my plate and fork down and rest in the green grass peacefully.

More to come. All I can do is keep trying.
xo
j

Powerless

In what area of my life do I feel stuck?
Where do I begin?

Work- unsatisfied, unsure of stability, feeling of hopelessness and apathy towards it. Knowing that in the end, this work means nothing and that no matter what I do today, it will not change the decisions that will be or have been made regarding my job in the new combined organization.

Scared and unsure and worried about branching out trying to find new work. Am I good enough? Will I be able to find a job that really fulfills my creative needs? Will my work mean something? Am I barking up the wrong tree regarding the direction of my work? Should I be focusing on growing my own business? Making a living from my artwork like www.PaPaYa.com ? Can I do this AND hold down a part time job? What if I fail? What if someone sees how insecure I am and how scared I am of the unknown? How will they judge me?

Home- I don’t like my living situation. I don’t like having someone living with me and my significant other. I feel intruded upon and like my privacy is severely compromised. In this environment I feel depressed and powerless to make any changes I want to. I am not creating. I am not playing music loudly. I am not singing. I am not excited about cooking. I am not excited about my weight loss or my journey for a more athletic self. I am falling back into my old comfort mechanisms because of how unhappy and uncomfortable and how powerless I feel in my daily life. I am not living fully as I was when I was living alone.

WHY?

Fear of being judged. Fear of disturbing others. Fear of being attacked AGAIN for being true to my emotional, creative and boisterous, and visually exciting nature. Fear of overstepping others’ boundaries. Fear of letting others down- that inner voice that is screaming to me: “I cannot stay here anymore- I am not living my most authentic life. I want to move back to Seattle- but I have a mortgage I agreed to pay. I made a promise to stick by this.” The thing is, I am sticking by my promises- is everyone else sticking by theirs? Did I promise too much up front? Did I promise to fully sacrifice myself to the greater good? I don’t remember doing that. What can I do about this now?

I feel trapped in this suburban life where yard work takes up the weekends. I AM NOT A LANDSCAPER OR A GARDENER. Bully for Bev who loves it, but cannot physically do it, but I don’t love it. I never have. I would rather go shopping or travel or shoot photos or paint or be engrossed in some creative project.

I posses a great deal of apathy. Don’t feel inspired to go out and run/explore in the area I live in. There is nothing exciting or interesting about the neighborhoods or the people around me. I am not inspired by my surroundings. This is a key factor. I can choose to drive to different areas and work out there. I can choose to get a personal trainer and work out with them.

I am afraid to stand up and make changes and assume that I have any power because I am worried that I will be reprimanded for making things the way I want them. What if I rearranged the kitchen? What if I got rid of half the crap in there? What if I got rid of the extra towels and such? What if I asserted myself and my needs for expressing myself visually? What if I painted the front door? What if I funk-ified the entryway? What would they do? Cast me out? Yell at me?

Family- It’s so fucked up. It always has been. My mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law. They continue to choose their comfort and I continue to choose mine. These two paths do not overlap. It is unfortunate. I feel deserted sometimes. I feel angry sometimes. I feel sad that I have to divorce them in order to maintain my basic level of comfort. I feel sad that they don’t understand and think that I am selfish and strange and dramatic. It hurts to be that misunderstood by those who are supposed to know you best & love you anyway.

I feel my only family is Cory, Valerie, Jane & Chet, my grandma, Linda- my therapist, and that’s about it.

Self- My hunger for security and okayness and joy is sometimes almost completely out of control. I am not feeding myself in the ways my heart and soul need. And I substitute with food. There is so much discomfort around my daily life and just coping and getting by- just surviving- that I have withdrawn again. I’m not even here for my life. I have let food become my security blanket again. This is self-destructive and SUCH a 180 from what I KNOW in MY HEART is good for me.

On the flip side, I am devouring books and weblogs and trying to find the answer to help me wake up from this. I am attending therapy. I am asking for help. I can at least be proud and give myself credit for that.

Hitting The Reset Button

So last weekend I went on a mini-vacation with boyfriend. We took a photography wandering trip along the Oregon coast. I ate WAY too much of WAY the wrong things. I didn't get too down on myself because I figured I'm on vacation, it's not like I do this all the time. Plus we were constantly walking and climbing rocks and hiking trails so it wasn't as if I was lying around on a chaise lounge eating gallons of ice cream.

I have returned from the trip to find my weight crept up by a few lbs. Not happy news. Not shocking, but still not happy. So I have made a decision. Since I have been constantly waffling on "getting back on track" and clearly not committed to changing my habits, I need a reset period. I need a final promise to myself that I will be changing my habits back to where they were when I was first banded. I have to mentally put myself back there.

How did I feel?
What were my top priorities?
What was I excited about?
What was I afraid were going to be roadblocks?

All these questions are things I need to dig into and examine. Which I will do. For now, while I am at work, I will think on it.

As a method of getting myself and my metabolism reset, I am resuming the liquid diet that my surgeon put me on for a week before my banding. I will do this for one -two weeks, jumpstart my weight loss (hopefully) and shrink my tummy a little so that when I go back to 3 0z protein and 1/2 c produce, I feel satisfied and that feels like a normal amount of food for me.

At that point, I will truly be able to gauge if I need a fill or not.

At least that's the master plan. We'll see how it goes.
Will keep you posted.

xo
j

Extraordinary Machine

My body/mind/inner gremlins want/need something today. They are making plans to attack my fortress of "Good Healthy Eating and Active Lifestyle". I just drank 8 oz. of hot chocolate-a bandster no-no. Shit. I better do something.

Taking a quick inventory of myself I see that the shelves labeled "enough sleep", "creatively fulfilled", and "having fun" are almost bare.

Let's check these gauges over here; Coffee levels are at about halfway to sufficient for normal functioning. Food and satiety levels have risen significantly since I put oatmeal in my tummy. (When I began this post-I was shoveling oatmeal in my face and thinking god, I will NOT be able to make it through the day without some chocolate.) And... Oh-yeah the red light just went out on the Binge Alert monitor.

Phew. The gremlins are retreating into the shadows- still lurking, but at bay for the time being.

Must remember to take my meds on time, take my breaks, stay hydrated, and track my calorie intake. Will report back as newest developments occur.

xo-j

p.s. goddamned weight is STILL stuck in the same place. I expected at least an lb to budge! Grrrrr....

Portions MATTER - WAKE THE EFF UP!!

Since the beginning of the month (May), I have been TRYING to get my shit together. I have been working out 3-5 times a week. I have been counting my calories. I have been trying to get enough sleep. I have been AWARE. And yet, the scale doesn't budge.

SO FRUSTRATED. And sore from working my ass off!

However, I think after getting honest with myself and examining my online food & exercise diary more closely, that I have been LYING... not TRYING. For example: How much fat-free creamer do I put in my black coffee each time I make one? I've been eyeballing the quantity and calling it 2 tablespoons. I just took my measuring spoon to the fridge and poured out EXACTLY 2 tablespoons. And it seems to me that I have been putting perhaps DOUBLE that. If you figure that I have about 4-5 coffees a day, and my creamer is 10 calories per tablespoon, that means that I have been ingesting (unwittingly or not) nearly 100 extra calories a day with JUST my coffee- I often have tea at night as well- "English style". So lets call it 140 extra calories.

Another example- dressing on my salad- I could call one small "ladlefull" of dressing about 2 tablespoons, but I think it's more like 3-4. Again- DOUBLING the calories I am taking in. 2 tablespoons of ranch dressing = 120 calories, so there's an extra 120 calories give or take- that is not being accounted for.

Cheese on my salads? Burger patties? Nachos? Cheese is SUCH a HUGE calorie bomb and I seem to bandy it about willy-nilly like it's shredded lettuce. 1/4 cup full-fat shredded cheddar = 114 calories.

Sour cream? Even LIGHT sour cream contains a hefty amount of calories if you consider I only allow myself 1000-1200 daily. 2 tablespoons of Light Sour Cream = 40 calories. do I stick with 2 tablespoons ALWAYS? No.

Add all this up- which is not uncommon for my typical eating day lately and you get 400-414 EXTRA calories that aren't always accounted for in my diary. This is MORE than I am burning off daily- and hence the scale staying steadfastly in the same place.

AND I MUST CONFESS THAT THESE ITEMS ARE THE ONES I AM LOGGING! WHAT ABOUT THE SMALL HALF A COOKIE HERE AND THE LICK OF ICECREAM THERE? I'm eating OVER 500 calories more a day on average than I should be. I'm TOTALLY lying to myself.

I deserve better.

I guess I just needed to get honest and really LOOK at what I am doing. It's SO easy to gloss over our habits and say "but, I'm eating healthy and I'm tracking my calories!" This is something that I see on Bandster boards daily- and in any interaction I have at the NWWLS clinic- ALL BITES COUNT.

So now that I have uncovered the culprits, what do I plan to do about it? Well it's time to examine what I want- what my priorities are, and if I want to accomplish those things more than I want cheese, sour cream, and cookies. Funny enough- in the scheme of things- cheese, sour cream and cookies will not make me happy. Because I have them in my life now and I'm quite unhappy. Having my healthy body and slim self back will.

FRANKENSNACK Lumbering in To Crush My Delicate Goals

I just got home from a relatively easy going day at work. Sure, there was stress, but nothing unmanageable or over the top. I ate breakfast. I ate lunch. I didn't keep lunch down, however. So physiologically, I AM hungry... but figured I could wait it out until I got home. 1st mistake. Should have dealt with hunger.

I went to Ballard, picked up some of my favorite coffee beans, and went to browse through a consignment shop. Didn't buy anything, didn't almost buy anything... just enjoying the hunt.
Driving home was not too bad. Traffic was crap, but it was raining. I kept trying to doze off. That's not good. I needed something to wake me up and energize me. My typical go-to solution for everything: food. (in this case- going to food is not an unreasonable response, but still- I went for the wrong kind)

I walked in the door, dropped my shit and all I could think about was making some kind of concoction that would simulate buttercream frosting. Why buttercream frosting? I made someone a bday cake last weekend, had a piece and then managed to get it ALL out of my kitchen by sending it home with others. I was craving that sugar/fat kick. It was recently in my immediate environment, and I had dared to have a little. (It's the heroin addict saying "I'll only have a little".)

Usually, I am proud of my creative abilities in the kitchen. I take chances and create some yummy things when I dare to step outside the box. But tonight I was the wild-eyed mad scientist creating my monster "FrankenSnack". I created what I dare to count out as about 6 oz of buttery-goo that registers about 600 on the caloric richter scale. I was prepared to down it all.

While preparing my goo, "FUCK THIS feeling" I thought. I wanted relief. From what feeling? From being hungry, being tired, being "on" and not relaxed. Every night it is the same thing for me...I crave that comforting place to decompress and unwind. I want the easiest route to that place. Usually it is either food or alcohol. Doing it on my own is difficult and takes patience and planning and forethought. And goddamnit, I'm a 10 year old brat in my mind screaming for relief from my exhaustion and I don't WANT to think about it. I don't WANT to have to work at it. I WANT EASY. Instant gratification is the best kind apparently.

I arranged my safe eating zone- where most of my bad food choices and overeating happen- in seclusion, and made my altar all up. Bed made, fluffy pillow, laptop in front of me, delicious goo within reach. Ready to binge. I ate about two spoonfuls and then an alarm went off in my head as I started really considering the caloric bomb I was dropping on myself and the beautiful, wonderful goals which I was directly sabotaging. I was about to have my own Hiroshima event. I put the spoon down.

I logged into this blog and I began writing. As I write, I am tempted but less tempted. My will power battles my childish need for comfort. FrankenSnack is sitting there, looking at me. Taunting me. I don't need this shit. I need to go to the kitchen and dump this in the trash. Will I lick the spoon? How much damage have I already done? Going to the kitchen...

Mission accomplished. Dumped in trash. Yes, I licked the teaspoon of goo remaining on the spoon. I put the little bowl in the sink and ran hot water on it. I dumped my spoon in. I got my water glass out and filled it with icewater. I came back to my relaxation sanctuary. And now I sit writing, sipping icewater. Feeling proud of myself for being aware and stepping in to be the adult in the situation. Stopping the needy child who wants what it wants and trying to soothe it with breath and quiet.

Sitting here and listening to my body, I am hungry. I need to eat some dinner soon. I have green beans in the fridge and a warm roasted chicken is on its way with boyfriend. I will be okay until I can sit down and eat some real food. I will not keel over.

I know I have talked with my girlfriend who is also a self-proclaimed food addict about our amazing abilities to concoct these mixtures with which to commit food terrorism on ourselves. We each find it amazing that we can create something to really BAD for us to eat out of whatever we can scrounge from the fridge and pantry. Somehow, canned peas, ketchup, worchestershire sauce, cream cheese, and saltine crackers can be combined in some "relatively palatable" manner to make a snack that has the caloric content of three pounds of butter. (those ingredients are just an example more for humor than based in a realistic thing I have eaten in the past-but you get my point).

Our addictions drive us in amazing ways to get creative and find ways to get our "fix". Amazing experience, this whole being human thing. Now if only I could more easily accept all the imperfections and screwups that come with it.

This is a tough journey- not for the wussies or the excuse-makers or the meagerly interested. I have to keep reminding myself of that. And there are no highways or interstates. It's not a process in which I can cruise onto the smooth interstate and set the cruise control until I arrive at my "destination" (a.k.a. my goal weight).

In truth this is a winding, sometimes dusty, unkempt road with washboard sections, giant muddy ruts to get stuck in if you aren't careful, and daunting, wide rivers to cross. This road is the kind that will often double back on itself like an oxbow river. Winding back and forth, three steps forward, two steps back, one giant stumble onto my ass or my face (face into a bowl of ice cream or whatever other god-awful "dessert-ish" , calorie-dense concoction I decide I can make out of what I can find at midnight), get up, dust myself off, three more steps forward...and so it goes. This month's "progress" has been more maintenance than anything else. Which I guess is saying at least SOMETHING about the attention I am paying- or not paying.

My internal optimist (who I try to hand the microphone to because she's VERY soft-spoken) says "good for you for not gaining! Maintaining is difficult and you seem to have done well this week".

My internal pessimist/ gym coach says "WHAT is YOUR problem? You have run a 10K and a 5K race in the past two years, you have been in tip-top shape and then you take a nosedive into recuperating from surgery, being in a relationship, buying a new house....blah blah blah... OH THE EXCUSES! And now look at you! You are nearly 30 pounds heavier than you were a year ago! WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF DIGNITY MAGGOT?!!" (I was channeling R. Lee Ermy there for a sec-have you seen that Geico commercial where he is the former drill sargent turned psychiatrist? HILARIOUS)

And I sit quietly at the foot of my pessimist drill sargent self, I bow my head in self-pity and shame and I say.."I don't know. I lost myself and my priorities in the business of life. I was busy being fat and happy in a wonderful relationship, I was busy buying a home and moving and working my ass off and treating myself with food-just like I always have...without even thinking about it. Before I knew it, it was October and I was having trouble getting into my jeans. Now it's February and I'm REALLY having trouble getting into my jeans"

As you know I have been "training" for a 5k that is slated to run this weekend. I use the term "training" SUPER lightly as that is how I have been dedicated to my training... SUPER lightly. I get in maybe 2 of my 5 workouts each week. I continue to be tired or feel depressed or have some other reason why I'm just not doing a workout tonight. I let myself slide. So now I am faced with a difficult challenge. I just got off the treadmill where I did a 30 minute workout but only ran maybe half of it. The total workout amounted to 2 miles and change. I am supposed to run 3.1 miles on Sunday and last time I ran, I was running an 11/12 minute mile. I think right now I am doing a 15 minute mile. My level of fitness has depleted significantly. It's embarrassing and I feel ashamed of it.

I have a choice. I can suck it up and go run as much of the race as I can and put forth my best effort, and feel the exhilaration of accomplishing something like a 5k (even if I have to maybe walk a little of it- my worst fear), and maybe be inspired to get back in line with my training, or I can choose to bow out of this race... like I did the one back in November-which was a whole other level of being ashamed.

The choice seems pretty clear to me. I'm not looking for the easy way. I am looking for the most alive way. I am looking for the way that will lead me towards feeling whole and present and aware and IN my life. I am never again looking for the way that leads me to sedate myself with food, cruise through my days in survival mode-almost in a sleeping state because I am SO unhappy and feeling SO stuck in my life that I don't know what to do.

Thinking about it, I found myself through my exercise regimen before and after my lap-band surgery. I found my voice and my courage to follow my heart, which was away from my crappy marriage, and away from my crappy unfulfilled life. Time to re-find myself, reconnect with my priorities. Me time. (balanced with We time.)

xo
j

Week One: Return from Zombie Status

This week has been good. I have really watched my calorie intake, I have stayed on my training plan for my 5K, and I have held myself accountable when I go over my calories for the day. I have lost around 7 pounds +/-.

What am I doing? Yoga three times a week- strenuous vinyasa classes- not meditating-relaxation classes. Running 2 miles 2-3 days a week.

Staying hydrated best I can.

When I get hit with a craving- I sit with it for a minute. Look at it, examine where it came from or why it's there. I look around in my head or heart and see if I can find the underlying reason for it. It's working pretty well.

Last night, I came home really tired, but early enough to make dinner. I wanted nachos. We had leftover chicken we needed to use- so I deboned the chicken and made queso. I ate too much of it. I was not happy about that. Then come midnight I was up reading and I was suddenly ravenous. I ate some Special K cereal.

When I sit back and look at the evening- I wonder how I could have done things differently. I wanted the nacho goodness. I could have taken it easier on the queso. I could have eaten at the table instead of standing in the kitchen with everyone. I could have stopped when I realized I was overly full. I could have chosen to take a walk after said heavy-meal. Or I could have set an alarm when I was got home and had a little nap so I didn't feel so drained when eating time came.

Just examining everything helps me to maybe change my behaviors for the next time I encounter these challenges.

Tonight we are going to Benaroya to see the Scottish Arts Festival at 730- so there will be no relaxing until 9 at the earliest tonight. I am feeling stressed about this. Don't really want to go. I also took my "rest" day from training last night, so I have to workout when we get home. But the ticket has already been purchased so I sort of have to. I don't get out of here till 5:30 and its 2 now. So I have a way to go. I feel like I want an escape. I want to escape into the chocolates over on that desk. But I want to make a sane decision about this. Looking over my calorie intake for the day, I should go get a nice latte. Take a stroll. Get away from my desk and my machine.

STOP
BREATHE
REFLECT
CHOOSE

See? It does work.

xo
j

WAKING UP

Frustrated as hell.

That's where I begin my week.

I weighed in 2 lbs heavier than I did the week prior. And the week prior was cause for Defcon 2 because I was at THAT weight. Granted, I had just struggled through 2 weeks of PMS hell before I finally FINALLY got the visitor and started feeling better. I was hungry for about 3 days straight. No matter how much I ate I still felt ravenous. AND I HAVE A LAPBAND.

A month or so ago, I had a slight unfill because I was regurgitating nearly everything. I don't know if it was because I was too tight, because I was too stressed or because of hormonal changes, but it was making life miserable and I was participating in maladaptive eating...and to be honest, I really have been doing maladaptive eating for months. I have also been eating whatever I wanted, not exercising, not abiding by the no liquid calorie rules, eating crap (ie; junkfood and candy) and just basically ignoring all the principals that have given me such success with this tool.

I stopped making my health my top priority. What took its place? I don't know. I think laziness, honestly. Cory doesn't require ALL my attention. He doesn't stand in my way of making ALL the right choices and doing the work necessary to get to my goal. When I moved in with him, stopped being lonely, stopped needing to keep myself occupied so I wouldn't feel lonely, sad, overwhelmed, or bored, the desperate need to run everyday didn't continue.

The thing is, I still feel lonely, sad, overwhelmed or bored like a normal person does now and then. But I am not dealing with it the same way I did when I was single. I am turning to food instead. I have to wake myself up and remind myself what I want and what my priorities are. If I don't, if I stay asleep, I'll wake up one day and will have gained all my weight back and then some. This thought TERRIFIES me.

I need to wake up and STAY AWAKE. I felt alive when I was single. Where did my aliveness go? Am I finding that my relationship isn't feeding me or nurturing me the way I want? It's the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. And I feel really happy in it. Am I finding that my job isn't giving me what I need? Well DUH- but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and my skill set is growing, so I know I will be able to control that element when the time comes. Am I feeling discontented because of the lack of change? Because my life has been ALL about change these past many years. Do I thrive on that stress? What is it that I get out of it? Do I get off on playing the victim? I don't think I do.

I am feeling needy most of the time. Time to take stock and look at what parts of my life are empty. If I address these holes, I think I will find that I am less hungry, less depressed and less stuck in discontent. Time to dig back in and do some of this work.

I was going to end this post here, but I just had an epiphany. I got back into a relationship and I totally bailed on myself and my self-care rituals. I don't go get pedicures anymore, I haven't set up my art studio/ girl den so I can actually use it for escape and sanctuary, I haven't been exercising, I haven't been eating right. I have let my relationship and my sleepy "fat and happy" attitude make me lackadaisical in my priorities. I have been so used to my UNHAPPINESS putting me into a sleepy survival mode trance. I didn't even CONSIDER that happiness could put me there too!

WAKING UP NOW. Trance broken. Girl alive and aware. Let's get on with the happy-and stay present for all of it.