Quiet Morning & Introspection before 7 a.m.

Yesterday, I got up early and went out for a 3 mile run. It wasn't an excruciating experience. I felt good when I was done and I felt proud that I completed my workout. I also noticed that my hunger wasn't as pronounced, nor did I have as much trouble eating a healthy breakfast (a.k.a. - fruit and such didn't get stuck like it normally does at that early hour).

Since I can't run everyday, (if I did, I'd end up injuring myself- need to give the muscles time to recover) I am up early again- but at a loss as to what to do. I decided to follow up on some freelance paperwork and estimates I needed to get sent out to clients, have some coffee, and just be.

As far as the workout goes- tonight I'll be skating in training for roller derby (my camp starts this Sunday! I'M PSYCHED!...and scared I'll get my ass kicked) for at least an hour so that'll be my workout for the day. (did you know rollerskating burns an INCREDIBLE amount of calories per hour? Upwards of 500!!)

Good news- the scale tells me that my extra water weight was indeed just that and that I am down around 3 lbs less than last week's average daily weigh in. I believe it's because I can't stop drinking water! I swear I pee more than anyone I know. I realize this is good for me. Keeping it going is the goal.

So this morning's "introspection" seems more like freewriting- no real ground-breaking or even band-related things to talk about...well maybe one: Tried to eat pizza for dinner last night- that didn't work out well even though it was thin crust. (advice to the band tribe- if you are still trying to eat pizza and bread when you are really after losing weight- go get your head checked- even if you don't have trouble with bread- it's the old addage, just because you can, doesn't mean you should. I continually push this envelope and know deep down this is why I have experienced my weight loss stall!)

After suffering the consequences of choosing pizza, and exercising damage-control by drinking some hot water, I had a nice bowl of lowfat cottage cheese with some canned pears. Protein. Produce. Check.

The nice thing was, I went to bed without feeling hungry.

Well, it's getting light out. Best get on with my day. Wish I had a couple sick days to take- because I'm SICK of the bullshit at work!

Have a great healthy day tribe!

XO

Jen

p.s. REMEMBER YOU ARE WORTH ALL THE EFFORT IT TAKES!!

Showing Up

Since my last "freakout-du-jour", I have been trying to be more gentle, more loving, more aware of what my body and my mind need. I am also trying to trust the things that I become aware of.

I got on the scale this morning and it said "hey- you gained like 4 or 5 pounds since Friday- what the hell??" And I was all "what the hell??" So that wasn't a great start to the day. I am a week out from my period and so that helped to explain a bit, but it sucks because I am more hungry than I usually am-also more cranky/sensitive. Being aware. Breathing into the beautiful reality that I am imperfect. Water-weight does not a bad-girl make.

So my previous experience with awareness this weekend is funny. When faced the leftover chocolate cake brought to our weekend barbecue by a friend, I had the option of hanging onto it in case we wanted a snack later or tomorrow, or pitching it in the trash immediately. My first instinct: Hang onto it! I mean it's nearly HALF a black forest cake (which to the food addict equates somewhere up there with gold bouillon at first glance) and there are starving people on this planet and how could I waste this??

Then I thought about it some more after I left the kitchen, while I was sitting in bed with my ice water and a good book-Safe from the cake. Then it popped up- (inner monologue: there's cake out there you know...wouldn't that be good about now?) And that creepy-poltergeisty inner voice is was what triggered the decision to throw it away. Not the next morning, not the next day, THAT VERY MINUTE. And the stupid thing is, as I crammed it into the garbage can, was that I had to keep repeating the mantra "FOOD IS NOT A RARE TREASURE...THERE WILL BE MORE OPPORTUNITIES TO HAVE CAKE IN YOUR LIFE". I successfully got the lid to the trash closed and retreated once more to the bedroom brush my teeth and drink some more ice water.

I beat the cake. Fuck you, cake. I am stronger.

Today, after several weeks of tumultousness at work I finally know/ decided where I stand and what I want to craft my future to look like. While the immediate outlook is not optimum for the next 4-5 months, it's a smart decision. Regardless of the smartness of the decision, there is a part of me that is still screaming for revenge and wanting treats to quit having to feel this dread for all the changes coming up. I want to numb out. I flirted with the idea of getting a cookie for breakfast, I flirted with the idea of going and buying a GIANT mocha and whatever else chocolate I could possibly get my hands on, I flirted with the idea of buying a HUGE serving of mac n cheese for lunch and letting the cheesy goodness melt me into a trance.

But then I realized, yes, while I was hungry, I also hadn't taken my anti-anxiety meds yet for the day, and therefore I was in no condition to be making food choices in that state. I took my meds. I drank a vitamin water. I went and bought about 3 oz of protein (lemon chicken) and 1/2 C of produce (chickpea salad with olives & tomatoes). And now I sit- letting my meds do their thing- finishing my drink so I don't drink while eating, and letting the calm wash over me a little.

This is an example of being aware and hearing my needs, and then being the adult in the situation and taking care of my needs in a responsible way. Proud of myself today. Hoping to continue this success into the evening with a workout and an early bedtime.

And now for my next trick- I shall try to eat my lunch without PBing. Small bites, chew, chew, chew, Stop when I'm full. So simple and yet SO easy to overlook on a daily basis after you've been banded a while.

XO Tribe Friends!
Jen

To my lovely Band Tribe

I don't know if my responses to your comments are sent to you all, so I am going to just repost a blanket response to you all here.

Dear loving followers of my often random blathering,

Thank you for your outpouring of support and kindness today with regards to my post on Wednesday. Yes, it was a pretty low day, but I know too well after having been through a divorce and a terribly abusive childhood that I am stronger than circumstances and that this, too, shall pass.

I have a wonderful therapist and a support system I can utilize anytime I need it, so I know I am not alone. And now, you wonderful people-seemingly coming out of the woodwork, I feel I can add to my support system!

I thank you for all your warm responses and general outpouring of support! The lap-band community is really tight! I had no idea! I am so grateful to be a part of it!

Thank you again wonderful lovelies!

XO
Jen

This has very little to do with the lap band

My life is in a state of flux. The company I have been with for over 10 years is being absorbed by another company. My job and it's soundness is up in the air. I have been waiting for WEEKS to find out what's going on and the not knowing is killing me. I am, yes I know it may be shocking, a SERIOUS worrier.

I have what seems to be a promising interview with another place at the end of the week, but I am hoping I can handle to commute. All the unknowns are SO bothersome to me.

Beyond all this, I started some new antidepressant meds to add to my antidepressant meds and I was feeling much better for a few weeks. But yesterday and today I feel like I am sliding backwards. I think maybe 4 pills a day is too much and I should cut it back to three and stay there a while- see if it helps. Today life was so overwhelming that I went to work, did all I could (which isn't much because we are in such a state of flux), drank a 16 oz white breve mocha, which has like 17,000 calories in it... and I managed to get down an apple fritter with a little help from my mocha. So all-in all, I blew most of my calories before lunchtime. I took some more anxiety meds and tried to relax. Not so much. I just wanted to cry. Or sleep. Or cry myself to sleep.

So I opted to leave work an hour early and come home- and right now I am in the process of getting pretty hammered on blueberry vodka and low-cal lemondrop mixer. I want to numb out in the worst way. If the vodka doesn't work, I'll go for some pain killers. If I wasn't such a chicken and was a lot more stupid I would go for a LOT of pain killers chased with a LOT of vodka and just be done with it all.

This is not a happy place to be coming from. Cory wants to marry me. I want to marry him. We will have a furkid in a few months. There is lots to live for. I have a partner who loves me so much and takes such good care of me- but still lets me be who I am and still respects my independence. But my sadness and uncertainty doesn't really want to hear about that shit. It feels crappy NOW. It wants relief NOW.

Backing up a few steps and looking at the real situation here: I got about 4 hours of sleep last night. I am really really stressed about my work and my future. I am still trying to get my meds right. I have people who love me and care about me. I am a talented artist who just needs to find her niche. I am sitting in my backyard in the (intermittent) sunshine with my feet up and a cocktail in my hand. It is peaceful and lovely here. I have so many things to be grateful for.

Am I telling myself horror stories based in no fact? Yes. Am I worrying myself threadbare about things in life that I have NO control over? YES.

Maybe this is what they mean in those 12 step programs about surrendering to a higher power. I need to release the need to control (which I don't really have anyway) and hand it over to the universe. Trust that it will send me what I need when I need it. That is really hard to do. There are so many things in my life that I had to stand up and fight like hell to make happen- I didn't just sit and wait for it to come to me- and now I have a hard time releasing that M.O. I feel if I don't stand up right away, take action right away, that I will miss some grand opportunity... that I will be forgotten by the universe- that I will be passed over in the divine sense and left to fend for myself.

Okay- BLAMMO- that vodka is hitting me. I am gonna need to wrap this up soon. Otherwise I'll start going on about something inappropriate or secret that is best left buried.

On the upside- since the last post, I have lost 5 pounds- so there is that.

A vodka-soaked good evening to you all,
J
xo