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Friday, January 20, 2012

Stupid Shit I Ate For Breakfast


I just ate the stupidest shit for breakfast. I can't believe I just did it. Cookies. Leftover cookies from christmas. I was sitting here working and I kept dozing off, then my stomach started to growl. I looked up and saw the tin of leftover butter cookies from christmas. I want to kick myself- I want to purge- (never could do that-only when I'm stuck) -but all I can do is learn from it.


I set a goal last week to get back to my bandster rules and eat the way I'm supposed to. Taking smaller bites- carrying my tiny barbie silverware around in my purse, putting my fork down between bites, no drinking while eating, track every morsel of food that goes in my gob, exercise at least 30 minutes a day, drink at least 6-8- 8 oz. glasses of water a day. Protein and produce are the mainstays. No white foods (rice, pasta potatoes, bread) 2- 8 oz servings of dairy daily. Supplement daily.


This week has been extraordinary in that I've been snowed in all week and stuck in the house. And with my knee still recovering- walking outside in the snow would be an unwise decision. I have been on my bike twice this week- which is good- but not daily like I'm supposed to. 


I have eaten things like ice cream one night, nuts (too high in fat), panko breaded fried chicken tenders, homemade deep fried onion rings. AND I've been waiting WAY too long to eat- I eat at 1 or 2 pm- and then from that point on- it's a free-for-all. I feel as though I have a free pass to eat pretty much whatever I want. I have been eating in bed. I need to BAN that behavior. NO food in the bedroom period. I get hungry after 4 hours from dinner and I make poor choices. I should just go to sleep. 


On the up-side. I am proud that I opted out of pizza one night, and had an eggwhite omelette instead, I made 2 caffe oles that were relatively low calorie- maybe 6 oz skim milk in each. 


How is this rant different from the previous bazillion? Well, it isn't except that I REALLY want to take off this 30 lbs I put on in the last year- I have my wedding in August and I want to be proud of how I look- plus I want to be able to wear my jeans again- I am REFUSING to buy any. If I want this badly enough I will make it happen. Time to decide.


Sigh.... such a journey, this is. 
Hmm... Talking like Yoda, I am.


Weirding me out, it is.




Meet this goal, I WILL.


XO
J

Friday, January 6, 2012

Welcome to 2012 - The year of the Peacock. (my own personal label)

Holy Crap.

I mean really? 2012? And then beyond THAT- really? I've gained 30 pounds since my tummy tuck two years ago? What the fuck?

Thing is, I know EXACTLY what the fuck.

It's called getting years into really comfortable with a new relationship, it's called stress and turmoil in your adult life with job changes, and home purchases, it's called a 10 year old knee injury that finally got irritated enough by playing Roller Derby that I decided to have it looked at. 1 MRI later, I discover that in the past 3 years since i started getting more active and running miles and miles- that I have had a torn meniscus (both inner and outer), partially torn ACL, and a LARGE amount of cartilage missing from between my knee bones in my joint. So I embarked reluctantly on the journey of knee surgery. I was on crutches for 8 weeks, and I am still in physical therapy twice a week. Walking better, but still not without pain or easily overdoing it.

I bought a new VERY nice recumbent bike since I was told I should never run again and roller derby was a judgement call- but I should really consider all that I've been through before getting into that again. I am really depressed because I SO loved running and I SO loved Roller Derby! I felt like SUCH a BAD ASS!

SO now I am relegated to the bike. I will be able to get my cardio in again, and eventually, my knee will get strong enough to start walking athletically again. Just frustrated with my food choices for now. Thing is, the exercise was additional therapy and stress release for me. And so now I get the slightest bit hormonal, angry, worried, etc. My band gets tight- I can't eat healthy solid foods, and I end up making poor choices- just so I can keep something down.

Looking at this post- I sound like a whiney victim. That sucks. I AM a survivor on many many levels. I have a goal set. I want to get back down to my post-tummy-tuck weight by August (when I'm getting married!). That's 260 some days to accomplish that- WITH an injured leg. I think about how fast the weight fell off right after I got my band, walking for at least an hour every evening- following the serving sizes and all the rules to a tee. I'm now going on 5 years with my band. I KNOW how to use this tool.

I think new year's resolutions are typical and ridiculous. So I won't label it as such.

I'm making my health and my needs a priority once again. I deserve it and I am worth it- and I AM a badass! I will reach my goal and I will be completely healthy and gorgeous for my wedding--- and long after. The peacock thing- well that's me- with my beautiful plumage strutting around. As I am meant to be. :)

Looking through my old posts- I have to laugh at how many of them address the "reset" button, or beginning again, or rededicating myself. And here I am. No progress. In fact, backwards movement.

Thing is, shaming and being mean to myself isn't going to get me anywhere- it's going to hinder my progress. When you convince yourself it's hopeless and that you are a fat piece of crap- there isn't much motivation to even get out of bed- let alone work on bettering yourself. There is a fine line between being firm with yourself and reaching your goals, and being an unforgiving asshole to yourself- draining yourself of momentum, and self esteem, filling yourself with hatred and loathing. It produces nothing more than extra lbs on your body and tight-fitting pants.

Okay- that's all I have for now. I will do my best to check in and keep you posted. Or to at least document the journey!

We are worth it tribe! Kick some ass in 2012!!

xo
j