Frustrated as hell.
That's where I begin my week.
I weighed in 2 lbs heavier than I did the week prior. And the week prior was cause for Defcon 2 because I was at THAT weight. Granted, I had just struggled through 2 weeks of PMS hell before I finally FINALLY got the visitor and started feeling better. I was hungry for about 3 days straight. No matter how much I ate I still felt ravenous. AND I HAVE A LAPBAND.
A month or so ago, I had a slight unfill because I was regurgitating nearly everything. I don't know if it was because I was too tight, because I was too stressed or because of hormonal changes, but it was making life miserable and I was participating in maladaptive eating...and to be honest, I really have been doing maladaptive eating for months. I have also been eating whatever I wanted, not exercising, not abiding by the no liquid calorie rules, eating crap (ie; junkfood and candy) and just basically ignoring all the principals that have given me such success with this tool.
I stopped making my health my top priority. What took its place? I don't know. I think laziness, honestly. Cory doesn't require ALL my attention. He doesn't stand in my way of making ALL the right choices and doing the work necessary to get to my goal. When I moved in with him, stopped being lonely, stopped needing to keep myself occupied so I wouldn't feel lonely, sad, overwhelmed, or bored, the desperate need to run everyday didn't continue.
The thing is, I still feel lonely, sad, overwhelmed or bored like a normal person does now and then. But I am not dealing with it the same way I did when I was single. I am turning to food instead. I have to wake myself up and remind myself what I want and what my priorities are. If I don't, if I stay asleep, I'll wake up one day and will have gained all my weight back and then some. This thought TERRIFIES me.
I need to wake up and STAY AWAKE. I felt alive when I was single. Where did my aliveness go? Am I finding that my relationship isn't feeding me or nurturing me the way I want? It's the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. And I feel really happy in it. Am I finding that my job isn't giving me what I need? Well DUH- but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and my skill set is growing, so I know I will be able to control that element when the time comes. Am I feeling discontented because of the lack of change? Because my life has been ALL about change these past many years. Do I thrive on that stress? What is it that I get out of it? Do I get off on playing the victim? I don't think I do.
I am feeling needy most of the time. Time to take stock and look at what parts of my life are empty. If I address these holes, I think I will find that I am less hungry, less depressed and less stuck in discontent. Time to dig back in and do some of this work.
I was going to end this post here, but I just had an epiphany. I got back into a relationship and I totally bailed on myself and my self-care rituals. I don't go get pedicures anymore, I haven't set up my art studio/ girl den so I can actually use it for escape and sanctuary, I haven't been exercising, I haven't been eating right. I have let my relationship and my sleepy "fat and happy" attitude make me lackadaisical in my priorities. I have been so used to my UNHAPPINESS putting me into a sleepy survival mode trance. I didn't even CONSIDER that happiness could put me there too!
WAKING UP NOW. Trance broken. Girl alive and aware. Let's get on with the happy-and stay present for all of it.
