Don't just stand there, bust a move

My latest fill on the 16th has plopped me right into the green zone, I do believe. Very satisfied with small portions, so satisfied I forget to eat from time to time. I have been doing pretty well with choosing band-friendly food. Except for one surprise: On Thursday night, I was heading out the door on the way to pick up a friend to head to IKEA. I was eating a quick little dinner of lemon pepper fish filet, and a few spoonfuls of fruit cocktail. The fish went fine, the cocktail got stuck in a major way. I was astounded that canned pears, peaches and pineapple would get stuck. I ended up having to yack that back up, and then I was good to go. I like how when I do PB, I don't feel ill afterward. It's just like coughing or sneezing, then you feel fine again. 

I have been exercising regularly as usual. Haven't been running because it's SO cold outside. If I do go out to walk, it's only now and then and I don't run because my lungs always feel funny after running when it's really cold. I've been hitting the stationary bike instead. 

Today I have hit a milestone. I am down 50 pounds. I got banded on 15, November of 07. I am astounded at how well this is working, how good I feel, and how grateful I am to have been able to do this for myself. It's such a gift.

I'm heading out in a few minutes to go dancing with some friends! I can't wait! I haven't been dancing in SO long!

More later! Long live the band!

xo

Jen

Changes with the changes and the changes

Well, changes have come. I don't even know where to begin, there have been such huge changes with me. I'll start with the band news. On Jan 9, I went in for a fill, they put in .5 cc and things were ok for a day. I started to really get hungry between meals and my hunger was popping up every 2 hours or so. I am supposed to be going without eating for at least 4 hours at a time. My meal sizes felt like they were increasing- certainly past the 1/2 cup point, and I was grazing at night, which is a big warning sign that it's time for a fill.

So I went in on the 16th and got another fill. The fill nurse was surprised to hear that I was feeling hungry and that my meal sizes were getting larger because I had lost 5 lbs in that week. (more on why later) So she added another .25 cc and sent me on my way. So far things are good. I feel full much faster and don't get hungry as often. I think we are pretty close the green zone. 

I ended up getting stuck with some tortilla the other day. That was unpleasant. It just sat above my stomach like a brick. I was driving and eating-a breakfast burrito from mcdonalds (which was my best option from there- I didn't want a muffin or biscuit, but I HAD to eat something right then) anyway, a few bites and I was plugged. I drove for 15 minutes more, pulled over and yacked it back up. MAN was that a relief. It just feels so awful when it sticks. Yesterday, I ate some turkey meatloaf too quickly and got stuck again. Meatloaf usually slides right on through, but it was a big bite, I was in a hurry to get out the door, and I swallowed too soon. I had to bring that back up too, and was really glad I did. 

So I am learning slowly about applying some of the bandster rules that didn't apply before I was adjusted properly. Still feeling great, the tenderness from my port is pretty much gone (unless i'm laying on it in yoga class- it's like laying on your keys- OUCH!) Things are good in that department.

The second and largest change is that I have separated from my husband. We have been separated for a little over a week and it has been hard not going back to my old habits of eating to comfort myself. Luckily I don't have crap here to eat, so that helps. I notice that at night I feel like I need some vital comfort and I reach for food. Even if I am NOT hungry. It's bad. So dealing with a huge trauma like that really brought up some deeper issues for me to tackle. I have to invent new ways to make myself feel comfort. Hot beverages work (tea, SF hot chocolate), but it doesn't always. If I begin to feel munchy I will take myself out for a long walk. I have been walking for about 1 our at a time, exploring the neighborhoods around my apartment and enjoying the music and the alone time. But sometimes I get back and still feel like I need some comfort. It's a challenge.

Thirdly, I have run out of prozac, and cannot get more unless I see my doctor in Poulsbo- where I don't live anymore. So I think that has played a role in me feeling lost about how to cope with things. Maybe things are weighing on me even more because I don't have the help with my depression.

So I have contacted the therapist at NWWLS, Linda Ayers, and will be starting to see her regularly. She can also prescribe some prozac which I am hoping will help me. I know it won't perform miracles, hell, my marriage is ending! But it will help to have someone to talk to, and some medication support.

So far into this journey of single life, I am doing okay. Have tried to stay busy. As long as I do that, I feel good. Yesterday was a good day. I went out for my hour long outing around Greenwood, then came back, went out to Fred Meyer to pick up a mop and some lighting hanging hardware, a shower curtain, etc. I came back here and CLEANED THE FUCK out of this place. Rearranged the furniture, put away the weird computer crap of Matt's in the closet, Took the two twin beds we had been sleeping on and stacked them so now I have a like a princess and the pea thing going on. It's like sleeping on a really tall layer cake. Mmmmmm...... I am making this place my own. It feels good to do that. If feels cathartic. It feels like the kind of thing I have been waiting to do for a long time.

I miss having a companion from time to time, but I keep going back to the memory of the way things were and how unhappy I have been. Each time I examine it, I think I am making the right choice for me. Yes, it's sad, and it hurts, but we will both heal, and move on to be happier people. I truly believe this.

Gotta head for now,

xo

J

Navigating Away From Old Behaviors

I am two days out from my third fill. I am grateful for this since I am only getting about 2 hours of fullness out of each meal. This makes things difficult- staying on track- not eating that chocolate at work, not going crazy and buying a venti raspberry mocha with extra whip. I haven't gone off the deep end yet. I have been able to keep things under control for the most part.

Saturday was a challenging day. I had two dippin' eggs and one piece of toast. Apparently, after some research and experiencing it for myself firsthand- some bandsters have issues with eggs. But I didn't really have an issue with the eggs- I don't think so at least. But the toast was another story. I think maybe I could do it if I toasted it twice and ate only half. The full piece was either too much, or too bread-like for my stomach's liking. I didn't feel good after eating that. 

I then had a tall skinny mocha from sbux. They decided to shake things up a bit and have you order anything that is a sugar-free, nonfat as a "skinny". Apparently they also have a sugar-free mocha syrup and have for quite sometime. So I gave it a whirl. It was ok. Not super great. But nice to have something chocolatey. I really miss the toffee-nut lattes. I wish they would make a sugar-free version of that. It's delightful. Anyway- had my skinny mocha, and went shopping at Old Navy. I needed some new tshirts and sweaters. All my black t's are stained or shot to hell or too big. So I got a short sleeve, long sleeve, two ribbed-knt turtlenecks in black and one in burgundy, and a pink sweater that's too big for me, but it was on super-sale and I always want a BIG sweater when I'm cold. Anyway- it was a pleasing shopping experience. I swung by Kohls for the first time too (the first time in Silverdale- I have been in a Kohls before). I didn't find anything I really wanted there. They have nice things, but I think I ran out of energy to try things on, etc. 

Came back home and was extremely hungry. I threw together some wild rice, onions, garlic and chicken stock in a pan and simmered it. After the rice was done, I added chopped broccoli and some chopped chicken feta & spinach sausages. Let it cook together a while. It was really good. I ate some of that, and felt like I wanted dessert. (which is unusual for being banded- you don't typically want to eat ANYTHING after your meals) So I had two scoops of low-carb peppermint icecream with some whipped cream and crumbled a piece of leftover homemade fudge on top. It was divine. Not so much with the weight-loss friendly, but divine anyway. After sitting for a while and letting my food settle, I went out for a walk/run. I ran .6 miles this time and turned around. It started raining like CRAZY as I was headed back, so I went as fast as I could. Even though I have a waterproof jacket, it was COLD!

Later in the evening, I was sitting doing some beading and watching tv and I started to get snacky. I ate roasted pistachios, then after half an hour, I drank some crystal light, then I had some air-popped popcorn, then more icecream- but halfway through it- I realized I was actually HUNGRY- not snacky. So I dumped the rest of the icecream and made myself some chili (half a can) with one cut-up hot dog. It was good. Spicy, but good. 

Much later in the evening, I got snacky again and headed for the gingersnaps in the pantry. I was definitely doing mindless eating. I realized it and went to bed. I wasn't doing myself any good by staying awake.

I actually THREW AWAY a black tshirt today. I NEVER do that. I ADORE MY BLACK T-SHIRTS! I still feel all guilty about it. I must have a weird clothing attachment. It ought to be interesting when I have to toss out all my fat clothes and start fresh. It will either be fun, or really hard. I am betting on fun.

I went for a SUPER long walk tonight. After a fight with the husband over taking 2 cars to the apartment, and having a nice drive alone with Ani & John Mayer, I needed to get the heck out of here and bust my buns. (plus I didn't want to be here when husband got back over here) I took my typical walking route and ran maybe 1 or 2 blocks more than last time I ran there. I took a breather and ran a few more blocks, but I could feel my legs starting to cramp up and I went ahead and stopped running. Then I decided to turn my music off and just walk quietly and talk to myself about my marriage and my feelings and the things I want. I have been to enough therapists to be able to guide myself through some examinations of my feelings and needs. It worked pretty well. I still feel like I need to write out what I came up with for easy recall, but it was good anyway. As I did some "therapy", I continued to walk reverse of my route and then wound my way around some other lower streets. It was good and I am tired. I forgot to set my stopwatch when I started out, so I don't really know how long I was out. Doesn't really matter- just as long as I get my workouts in.

Before my workout tonight, I had a few pieces of turkey meatloaf, a few bites of the rice & broccoli, and a piece of dark chocolate. I am enjoying some decaf chai now and I think I may have one more piece of dark chocolate before I head to bed.

That's all I have now. Mind empty.

xo

jen

My First Stuck Food Fun

Since I had my second fill yesterday, the flow of my food and drink has been fairly uneventful. Tonight, after working late, and arriving home. I got dressed to go out and workout, but I wanted to get some protein in beforehand. I took out a thin slice of ham, put some dijon mustard on it, and rolled it up. I was eating quickly because I wanted to get out the door and I swallowed too much, too soon. It all piled up in my esophagus and just sat there like a lump. I felt like maybe I could get it to go down if I drank something- so I had a few drinks of milk. When that didn't work, I carefully cleared out the sink, and turned on the water. I had to work on it a little, but it came up pretty easy. It was a bizarre sensation- throwing up without being nauseous. I had no urge to throw up other than the urge to get the ham up. It was very uncomfortable and ached. 

After I felt like I was done- it still felt like there was a little sitting there. I had just gotten off the phone from making dinner reservations, but started to feel like I wasn't going to be able to enjoy dinner tonight. I called and cancelled. I made some hot tea and tried to relax. 

I felt better and we went and got some dinner at a seafood place down in Ballard. We had the halibut fish & chips. It was ok. The prices were high and I would have enjoyed a bowl of crab bisque for $9 much more than some fried fish and french fries. I ended up being able to eat one fish filet, and a few fries. Then I needed to stop. The stomach is a little cranky now, but I should be ok. 

It gives me hope that I am getting closer to my sweet spot. I go back next Wednesday for my thrid fill. I need to really make an effort to pay attention to what and when I am eating, and when I stop eating. I think I should write it all down to make sure I am paying attention. 

Today I had some oatmeal at 9, started to feel hungry-ish at 10:30 or so. Went and got a latte, and was good until 1:00 when I realized I was really hungry- but had to head to a meeting. I took with me half a banana, and a piece of string cheese. After the meeting I ate my few ounces of turkey meatloaf and felt better. At 4:00 I had a piece of dark chocolate, and left work at 5:30. Caught the bus about 20 minutes after that- and drank my little 8 oz V8, and ate another piece of cheese. I definitely needed to eat sooner than I did for lunch. I got too hungry- then I felt like I needed to eat more. 

I am feeling guilty about not working out today at all, but I know I will be ok. I am coming down with a cold and feeling kinda blah today. Heading to bed now I think.

2nd Fill and all's well

I had my second fill yesterday. It went well. I don't remember the woman's name who did it. She was someone I haven't met before, but she thought we had met- so she didn't introduce herself. I finally had to ask her name. Funny that I made a point of asking and still don't remember. DUH.

Anyway- good news on the weight loss front! Down 34.6 pounds! That's an average of 5 pounds a week! I was really excited. I did a dance right there in front of that total stranger. Didn't care. Would do it again in a minute. She had to take two whacks at sticking me yesterday- but she got it. I am at 5 ccs today. I noticed increased restriction yesterday morning when I tried to eat some yogurt. I was on soft foods yesterday- so not really sure how I felt. I was able to get some pineapple down yesterday evening- so I'd say I am maybe not quite to the green zone. We'll see how long it takes before I get hungry after eating. I keep forgetting to keep track of when I am eating. If I am getting hungry earlier than 4 hours or so, I still need fill.

Well, I woke up at normal workout time- and proceeded to sleep through it. Apparently I needed some sleep. I will hit the road tonight and bust my ass. Try for another half-mile run. I best get moving with my day now. Clothes to pick out, heels to pick out, and advil to take- I have a ripper headache this morning.

xo

jh

A New Year- A New Me

As I was typing this title, I wondered how many other blog posts in all the world were entitled exactly the same or something very similar. The odds are a large majority considering all the uncreative people out there. Apparently, today I fit into that category. Whatever.

Well, we all made it into 08. Hopefully happily and with no regrets. It was an out and out delightful day. I had to work earlier in the day- so I got to work around 9, wore my brand new 3+" shiny pewter pumps (even was able to teeter out to grab a latte and work on perfecting my strut-believe me I need all the practice I can get in heels) enjoyed my co-workers thoroughly, and we all left around 1:30 or so. I headed to the mall along with the ENTIRE PLANET. It was quite the adventure getting into and out of a parking space there. LOTS of people. I headed to a new store I hadn't been to before, Torrid (for sizes 12-24) and they have really fun stuff! I bought myself some party-wear! I bought a black sequined halter top! And some sparkly earrings. It was a good decision. 

I enjoyed New Year's Eve with my friends Cindy and Tom, and all their friends at a party. I haven't been out since my surgery- shit I haven't been out in a friggin' year! I wore the new items, a pair of jeans, and my new black platform slingback pumps. I was a lil hottie! I looked really good and I felt really good. Sadly there were no cute boys at the party to flirt with, but no matter- I felt good and I felt comfortable in my skin. WHAT A JOY that was. SO relaxing.

I had my first drinks since banding last night. I wasn't mixing, so I don't know how much liquor was in them, but I never seemed to achieve buzz. I have to steer clear of carbonation- which was tricky considering all the drinks made with fuzzy liquids. I ended up with sex on the beach- which was tasty. I wanted to try a flaming Dr. Pepper- but apparently you have to chug that. And it's made with beer- not so band-friendly on many levels. So I did a shared one with Cindy. I lit it, dropped the shot glass in the beer, took the first two drinks, then gave the remainder to Cindy. It was indeed flavored like Dr. Pepper- not unpleasant. The bubbles were an interesting sensation- I didn't experience any pain- but I did have to stand still and wait for the bubbles to work their way out. The burper works differently now- it's hard to explain- but I can't just burp- I have to wait until the band says it's ok. And it's the boss now.

We ended up getting back to C & T's  around 3:30 a.m. or so. I decided to go back to the apartment. I don't know what it is, but I don't like staying there. Maybe I just needed some time by myself. I just like to sleep in my own bed with my kitty. I got home around 4 or so. I had a great time.

Today I woke up around 10:45 or so. Had a shower, headed out and got coffee and cat litter (weird combo, I know- but the catbox asked to be cleaned). I came back and proceeded to clean the shit out of this place. I don't have the vacuum cleaner here- so it isn't super clean, but I really de-cluttered. I threw out like 4 bags of trash and shoes and old magazines, cleaned out the fridge, etc. It feels good.

Husband is at the house in Silverdale- I am really enjoying my alone time. 

Yesterday morning, I attained a new NSV (non-scale victory) I ran a half-mile during my morning workout. I am really proud of my accomplishment. I am also very sore! Between the running and all the heels I wore yesterday- the legs and hips are cranky. 

Previously I mentioned my new heels- I went out and binge-purchased 5 pair of new high heels. It was one of my personal goals to be able to wear heels regularly without them hurting me so much I couldn't walk afterward. I had achieved that for the most part. I am happy that my weight will only go one direction- so they can only get more comfortable. I am really enjoying being fashionable, feeling feminine and TALL! I towered over most of the men at the party last night. It was fun. I was Hot-Zilla. 

Among my other purchases was a new George Foreman grill. Since we are at the apt most of the time, I am unable to grill. So I decided to do it. The sucker cost me $85, but it's the fancy version with the temp control, and timer with digital readout. I haven't tried it yet, but plan to give it a go this week.

I have my second fill tomorrow morning at 8. I hope I get closer to the sweet spot. I have noticed I am feeling more hungry between meals- that the small portions aren't quite cutting it like they were 2 weeks ago. I don't know if it's because of muscle relaxation, visceral fat loss on my organs, or something else. I am really hoping they get me where I need to be tomorrow. I have a third fill scheduled in one week too, so it won't be much longer before we get it right.

C & T were really impressed at my weight loss and how I look. That felt good. They were shocked that I had done this, but they were certainly supportive. 

Well, that's all I have for now. I have to go get the husband in Silverdale. I wish he would just come over here but it's not really cost-effective. (I guess)

Here's to a thinner new year!

jh