Much overdue update

What can I say? I'm still here. Last month I celebrated my 1 year band-o-versary and am holding steady at 70 lbs down. My progress changed significantly when I got into my divorce, a new boyfriend, a lot of guilt and stress and mourning of my old life and relationship. I tend to internalize my stress or sadness or anger and it all goes to my stomach ironically. My band gets too tight for me to keep even liquids down sometimes. But I am learning how to deal with this in a healthy way as best I can.

A year out, I can certainly say it has been a challenge. I have been so lucky to have this tool to help me get to healthier places in my life. But I have to do the work- and the work never stops. Just as before I had the lap-band, I have to pay very close attention to what I put in my mouth, I have to be aware and present when I am eating to make sure I take small bites, chew well, and am EXPERIENCING eating, so that I feel full and satisfied. I have to exercise regularly-which is a habit I have picked up in running- I try to go every other day if I can. It provides a stress release, a sense of accomplishment, and a meditative quality. 

I have to learn to quell old bad behaviors-eating from boredom, stress, sadness, etc. Those old methods of coping do not go away once the lap-band has been implanted. Sadly, they aren't able to surgically remove those tendencies, those old comforting mechanisms. I struggle with this every day. I still tend to want to eat in front of the television- and the thing is if I do- I'm not present for my eating and then I continue to eat- I tune out all my body's signals that I have had enough, that I am full, that I am OVERfull, and then I end up feeling guilty and miserable and VERY uncomfortable. This is something that can be helped by eating on a regular schedule (or at least within a timeframe), journaling my food, not getting over-hungry, and by drinking enough liquids. Writing all this down, it occurs to me that I know EXACTLY what to do to kick my progress in the ass, I have just been too preoccupied or lazy or procrastinating to do it. 

I think I might be in need of a small fill. Just something to get me back on track. After my 1 year, I have to pay $125 for each fill, but considering the upcoming changes (moving) and craziness (relationship changes), it might be a while before I can get another fill. I want to really listen closely to my body the next few days and see if it really wants a fill, or if I just need to firm up my commitment to myself. (honestly, I need to do that anyway)

I am really upset that my progress has stalled in such a major way. I have gained weight instead of going down or even holding steady. Granted, it has only been 10 pounds since my lightest in July, but this is unacceptable. There is no reason I can't get to my goal. I have the drive and smarts and ability to get myself there. I just need to crack down and make it, MAKE ME- a top priority again.

So here I am. It's still me. I've grown and changed and learned and made HUGE mistakes, and I am still standing. I just stand taller and look you in the eyes these days. And I won't bat and eye about saying what I want.

This year has been a blessing, and I am grateful.

Catch Up

It's been WAY over a month since my last post. I've been busy with work and school and meeting new people and the like. 

As far as the band goes, progress has slowed significantly. I think it's mostly because of my lack of regular exercise. I was running/walking every day religiously and the weight was continuing to come off. I've been preoccupied with some things and haven't been getting that regular workout in more than twice a week (tops) for a good month now. So I've taken some steps to ensure that this lack of regular exercise doesn't continue. I need the exercise, I need the meditation that it provides, I need to continue to see progress on my weight loss journey-just so I can feel like I'm grounded in some way.

I have been having some issues with tightness in my band recently and I suddenly realized that I wasn't following one of the major rules in band-land. SMALL BITES. So I've been very diligent in making sure that I do this and things have gone much better in that arena. I'm still really tight in the morning, but I think that's to be expected.

What else? Umm...I've been continuing to struggle with what my new life is these days. Perhaps struggle is a strong word for it- acclimate might be more appropriate. Things are very different for me these days. I sometimes miss the comfort of the known and the solid, but I know that change=growth for me. And so I must go through it and do my best to be happy and extract the juice from it all.

I head to Colorado for a few days on June 13. I get to see my family for the first time since last Christmas. I was a little over a month post-op so I didn't look that different. I think they will be blown away at how I look and act and feel now. I keep trying to tell myself that actually it doesn't matter what they think and that I don't care- but somewhere inside deep- I do. I know they will be supportive, and I know that if they aren't I can tell them to fuck off and catch the next plane back to Seattle. Living away from family is both a curse and a blessing- I miss them sometimes, but am grateful they can't meddle in my life.

While I'm in Colorado, I am going with my girl Valerie to see Ani DiFranco in a very small venue in Aspen. I am SO psyched! Considering I couldn't bring myself to go to her show when she was here (SO SAD- the whole front row seats surprise- I just would have thought about Matt the whole time- it would have been too terrible for me), I am lucky and grateful to have a second chance to see her play in a small venue.

Well- having just returned from a run, I am starting to cool down to the point of getting cold. I'm going to hit the shower, get some coffee and see where the day takes me.

XO

Jenepher

Rough Time

Well, here we are kids. More changes with the changes and the changes. I am officially separated once again. It was my choice, I instigated it, but it still makes me sad, confused, upset, disoriented, guilty, etc. I will get through this. I think the hardest part for me is just knowing that I am upsetting Matt's life entirely. I did this for me. I couldn't factor him into my decisions anymore. I have been unhappy for years and years, and I have been unsure and unhappy since our reconciliation for a month. I know this sort of shit happens all the time- and usually under worse circumstances- but it only helps a little bit. 

In the world of the band, things are not great. I am getting stuck on pretty much anything solid. Yesterday, the only thing I was able to ingest was a large SFV nonfat latte, a biscotti, a few bites of fish with olives & tomatoes, about 3 chocolate graham crackers and some milk. I tried to eat stuffed mushrooms, I tried to eat the top of some pizza- nothing doing. Barfed all that shit up pretty much right away. Maybe I am just upset, maybe I am just dehydrated from going out on Friday night, maybe anything.... but it's annoying nonetheless. Most annoying is when I go out for a run, I am unable to go very long because I literally don't have the energy to keep going. Last time I went out I almost passed out at one point. I think I might have to do protein drinks today just to get by. My unfill is scheduled for tomorrow morning. I hope that helps- but doesn't mess up my weight loss progress. I have to consider that I have lost an enormous amount of weight in 4 months- WAY more and at a pace much faster than expected by anyone including me.

I think I am just afraid of going back to that old weight- that old life- that old me. There is an element of comfort in the idea of it, but I am such a whore for change and progress, that I couldn't ever go back. I dunno. Change is uncomfortable and exhilarating and hard. That is my theme apparently.

I'm heading out for some walking meditation. It's kind of crappy and cold out- but I don't care. I need my fix.

XO

Jenepher

One-der Land Baby!

Well, after a crazy few days of vacation, I stepped on the scale today and discovered I had slipped quietly into One-der Land! This is the first time since I think high school that I weigh under 200 lbs. It wasn't too hard to do this week because I have been having a hard hard time with my band. My body has switched over to not wanting to eat anything before 1 or 2 p.m. If I try to eat anything before that time, it gets stuck and comes back up. Not fun- especially if I am truly feeling hungry. But I try to supplement with plenty of coffee and water and sometimes I can get yogurt down if I feel like I'm going to lose it if I don't get something in my belly.

Spent the week running around like crazy with my best girl Valerie and her 2 yr old boy Evan. It was QUITE the workout just keeping up with Evan. He's an adorable tornado. I really enjoyed spending an extended period of time around him. It was neat to watch how he'd pick things up quickly or try to repeat what you were saying or singing. At one point we had him singing some Kanye West. (get down girl, go 'head get down)

Anyway I managed to drag my sorry ass out of bed only ONCE the whole week and go walking. It was a nice walk and it definitely smelled like Colorado- sounded like Colorado (doves cooing in the trees). 

Looking forward to getting back to my regular schedule. I'll go walking tomorrow at some point to meditate and stretch out. I'm also going to see if I can reschedule my hair appointment.

I'm exhausted and going to bed now. Take Luck!

J

Teeny-Tiny Bites

Well, still have cranky stoma. Some days are better than others though, so I'm still trying to figure it out. 

Monday was ok- some salmon dip on 2 rye krisps for breakfast, americano, latte, then some meatball soup which was ok, Dinner went ok. Husband and I went to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse for the first time. It was SUPER swanky, which translates to SUPER expensive, but the experience was well worth it. I really enjoy fine dining and trying new flavors and things I wouldn't normally try. Anyway, no getting stuck on nice expensive dinner- although I was eating very carefully and taking little bites.

Tuesday was ok too. Salmon dip on 3 rye krisp for breakfast, americano, latte, some meatloaf for lunch which got stuck- so I had a protein drink on hand. Got stuck on smoked almonds much later on in the afternoon-but not the almond m&ms that were sitting out. It is SO frustrating that I don't get stuck on things like chips or chocolate-the things that I WANT to get stuck and have to avoid at all costs. Got home and ate some leftover steak and that went fine again. Wasn't feeling very well and went to bed early.

Today, salmon dip breakfast, latte, americano, was super busy all day and had a late lunch-meatball soup, which went down fine- and I was able to eat 1 and a half cups of it or so- which is a big portion- so I need to pay good attention to my portion sizes from here on out-if they are growing- I need a fill. Tonight, went to class and it was the last class- so it was pizza & beer night- neither of which I can ingest- so I sipped a Pellegrino orangina and nibbled on a granola bar from my bag. Got home late (10:30 or so) and was feeling ravenous. Still had some more leftover steak to eat and was upset about my day at work and was talking to Matt about it- and wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and was eating BIG bites and of course, I got stuck. But I felt like I still needed to eat because I was hungry to I just kept eating smaller and smaller bites- but it wasn't getting better.

I ended up barfing up my SUPER expensive steak, then tried to eat some pecans, NO- barfed them up too. Then I tried to eat some Raisin Bran and milk thinking- soft food- NO- barfed that up too. SO I gave up and drank a cup of coconut chai tea & milk which really soothed my cranky tummy- then was able to eat a snack cup of sugar-free tapioca pudding and keep that down. I called it a night- what a shitty dining experience.

So the lessons learned from this week are: 

PAY ATTENTION to how you are eating- really BE there and watch what you are doing.

Small, toddler-sized bites are best

CHEW and chew and chew until there is nothing that can get stuck

Regardless of the sticking issues- avoid the liquid calories at all costs. 

Soft food if you can combine it with some solid; salmon dip on krisp bread

Pay attention to your soft stop signals- this is why you must PAY ATTENTION when you eat!

Tomorrow I plan on salmon dip for breakfast- am out of meatball soup (which was an EXCELLENT recipe by the way)- so will have to try meatloaf again- TINY BITES. We'll see how it goes. Maybe if I do a little meatloaf and then a few green beans. Protein then produce. Gotta get back to the basics.

I wonder if I've lost any weight this week. Since I haven't been able to eat so well- and I've been working out- maybe I have.

Well... best get to bed. I have a long day ahead and then I have to PACK for my trip to see my GIRL!!

WOOHOO!

XO

J

Barf-o-matic

That's right, it slices, it dices, it barfs up everything you throw at it! It's the amazingly cranky, super picky, not-eating-anything-you-feed-me stoma! It's my fault really, I tried to feed it a tortilla. I figured if I grilled it and made it really crunchy I might be able to get away with it, but no fooling the cranky stoma. I barfed up what I could and tried some vegetable soup, and it didn't want that either (which is really unusual). I have given up on eating. Just drinking a latte now. Hopefully it won't want to fuss about that too.

I'm 2 days post-op from kidney stone surgery. Fun fun fun! It's been one long drugged-out day with tiny pieces of night woven into it. I'm exaggerating, it's actually been fine. I've been on vicodin regularly, but I'm in my right mind for the most part. I've just been napping a lot, and when I'm not napping, I'm working on my homework or my portfolio pieces. So far so good.

Eating has been uneventful till today. Yesterday was apple & peanut butter- got stuck, couldn't eat it, then ate a few grapes- those went ok, ate some soup, crackers. No big whoop. This morning at 7 I was ravenously hungry, I had some yogurt with raisin bran mixed in, and usually, I do fine with that- it's got lots of fiber so it keeps me satisfied- but I got distracted by my email and it sat for too long- it turned into a big lump of cement in my bowl. I had to toss it out. I started feeling crappy again and went back to bed at 8:30 or so.

One sucky thing about this recovery period is not being able to go on my walks. It really is uncomfortable to walk with this stent in. I think I get to take it out tomorrow. I wish I could take it out now now now! It doesn't hurt, but is uncomfortable and makes me feel like I have to pee all the time. That's no fun.

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to post something so I could bitch- at least that's how it looks to me. I'll take another whack at eating something in a few hours.  Stupid cranky stoma.

XO

Jha

KidneySaurus Rex

Okay, it's 20 after 5 in the morning, give a girl a break- I couldn't think of ONE title to put in there. I suppose it is appropriate as I am going in this morning to have surgery on a stuck kidney stone. It's been such a weird and random health event for me. Had the stone about a month ago, (THE WORST PAIN EVER IN MY LIFE) and then have been trying to pass it since then. Not so much with the passing. It seems my body finds a good looking jewel and wants to keep it. I'm feeling a little nervous, but mostly just tired. Slept like shit last night. I was awake every 2 hours or so. I think I was worried about missing my alarm or something. Honestly, I think I slept better the night before my band surgery. Ironic huh?

So life with the band has been good. I broke down and got another fill after over a month being at the same place. I just wasn't feeling like I needed an adjustment.. was satisfied with small portions... BUT I started looking for food again at night. So that's a red flag that maybe things aren't as tight as they need to be. I got another .25 cc and that brings me to 6 total. (my APS holds 10) I'm doing great on my loss- down 60 pounds officially! I feel so good and so confident. It's like a whole new me. I am grateful for everything I have, but I am especially grateful to have this experience. It's been awesome.

On the barfing front, things have been busy. It seems the things my band will tolerate changes from day to day. I seem ok with broccoli again, scrambled eggs are okay as long as I chew well. Lately smoked almonds have been giving me trouble, banana was giving me trouble, noodles are a no-go, french fries are also not working, and last night I ate the top off a piece of hawaiian pizza and that got stuck almost instantly. So it's just trial and error at this point. I know to steer clear of breads and pasta and I'll wing it with everything else.

I bought two skirts this weekend- SIZE 12 baby! Ow! It's amazing. I'm able to wear standard size hosiery again, and normal tshirts (size L) from Old Navy. Last weekend, I went out dancing with the girls and I wore my jeans and a tank top with the built in shelf bra- spaghetti straps, and felt perfectly comfortable and good looking. It was like a miracle. I would NEVER have bared my arms like that before. 

I've been exercising every day now for months. It has become therapy or meditation for me. I need that time alone with my iPod and my sneakers. I need the chance to be alone, clear my head and just walk. If I am feeling especially energetic and goal-oriented, I will run. I've been running pretty frequently lately. It's good. I feel like I might need to ramp it up and get something to track my distance so I can push myself further. I try to pay attention to how many blocks I run, but I lose track and get kind of lost in the feeling of running. I can't explain. Anyway, may have to get that thing that Nike offers to go on my iPod. I'll look into it. 

Well, I best get moving for surgery. Leave here in 30 minutes.

Xo 

jen

Crazy Lap Band Chronicles

Well, I haven't been on in a while, and again, so much has changed. My husband and I were able to find some middle ground and have reconciled. Life is totally different than it was before. I feel like a new leaf has really been turned over and that there has been a power shift of some kind. I finally feel like I have some pull and some influence over where my life goes and how it is lived. It's really a good feeling. So we are back to working towards the goal of selling the house and building a life from scratch over on the Seattle-side of the sound. This weekend I painted the kitchen, Matt went to TOWN on cleaning out the terraced gardens- he did AWESOME- and we really had a productive few days. I even took Saturday for myself and stayed at the apartment doing my thing- then went out on Saturday night. It was a great weekend. I can't even remember the last time I had a great weekend when Matt was involved. I think we have made some headway.

The lapband is working great. Still satisfied with small portions, haven't had an additional fill since 1-26 (I think) and am cruising along fine. This past week the band has been SUPER tight though. It's been really hard to gauge what I can and can't tolerate. Much to my surprise I couldn't tolerate a poppy seed muffin on friday, or broccoli or scrambled eggs this weekend. I did fine with grilled porkchops cut into tiny little toddler-size bites, though. Also, just waking up in the morning, I feel tight- so having something hot to drink first thing feels really good. 

These past couple weeks have been rough as far as getting the right things to eat. I have been sick with kidney stones, have been dealing with emotional turmoil of my marriage on the rocks, and have been super busy between classes, plans with friends, etc. I'm not always making the right choices as far as food goes. I have also been falling back into medicating with food in the evenings. I am going to address this with my therapist this week. I need to find a new comforting strategy. On Friday I had a major backslide into my old crappy food behaviors. I stopped at QFC and bought just shit- I bought a small package of Pepperidge Farm raspberry shortbread cookies, I bought a small bag of cheddar corn, I bought a 3-musketeers bar, and a tube of pringles. I don't even remember why I stopped in the first place. I think it might have been to get toilet paper, actually. But I ended up buying all this shit, going home and eating a little of everything. I was SO uncomfortable- felt SO sick, and was SO disappointed in myself. I guess they never surgically removed my tendency to comfort myself with food. That behavior is still in there. I guess the best I can do is remember that it's okay to buy myself some of that food once in a while, but never more than one or two items- and I'm only allowed to eat it after I have worked out- so that my appetite is dimmed as much as possible. There has to be a way to control this. I have made SO much progress- I will not let this beat me.

These past few weeks, I haven't been bringing my lunch to work. I have been subsisting on the innards from gyros (that are too expensive and too big- I always end up tossing half of it), tomato soup from Nordstrom Cafe, or salads from Courthouse Cafe. I am also not getting breakfast as often as I should be. I had vegetable quiche from the little italian coffee shop two times this past week- and those pastry shells are just LOADED with fat and carbs. My goal is to bring SOMETHING I can pass off as breakfast every day this week. I think I can do it as my stock stands in the kitchen tonight. I have some salmon spread that I can eat on crispbreads, I have bananas, apples & peanut butter, some yogurt, and I can always whip up some oatmeal. I feel like I need to get back to the basics.

Well, other than that, life is good. I am packing up my old work clothes that are still in excellent shape and I am mailing them off to my bff Valerie. I know she can get good use of them. It will be like christmas! I am sending off something like 4 boxes. Enjoy sweet girl!

To bed with me now.

xo

jenepher

Don't just stand there, bust a move

My latest fill on the 16th has plopped me right into the green zone, I do believe. Very satisfied with small portions, so satisfied I forget to eat from time to time. I have been doing pretty well with choosing band-friendly food. Except for one surprise: On Thursday night, I was heading out the door on the way to pick up a friend to head to IKEA. I was eating a quick little dinner of lemon pepper fish filet, and a few spoonfuls of fruit cocktail. The fish went fine, the cocktail got stuck in a major way. I was astounded that canned pears, peaches and pineapple would get stuck. I ended up having to yack that back up, and then I was good to go. I like how when I do PB, I don't feel ill afterward. It's just like coughing or sneezing, then you feel fine again. 

I have been exercising regularly as usual. Haven't been running because it's SO cold outside. If I do go out to walk, it's only now and then and I don't run because my lungs always feel funny after running when it's really cold. I've been hitting the stationary bike instead. 

Today I have hit a milestone. I am down 50 pounds. I got banded on 15, November of 07. I am astounded at how well this is working, how good I feel, and how grateful I am to have been able to do this for myself. It's such a gift.

I'm heading out in a few minutes to go dancing with some friends! I can't wait! I haven't been dancing in SO long!

More later! Long live the band!

xo

Jen

Changes with the changes and the changes

Well, changes have come. I don't even know where to begin, there have been such huge changes with me. I'll start with the band news. On Jan 9, I went in for a fill, they put in .5 cc and things were ok for a day. I started to really get hungry between meals and my hunger was popping up every 2 hours or so. I am supposed to be going without eating for at least 4 hours at a time. My meal sizes felt like they were increasing- certainly past the 1/2 cup point, and I was grazing at night, which is a big warning sign that it's time for a fill.

So I went in on the 16th and got another fill. The fill nurse was surprised to hear that I was feeling hungry and that my meal sizes were getting larger because I had lost 5 lbs in that week. (more on why later) So she added another .25 cc and sent me on my way. So far things are good. I feel full much faster and don't get hungry as often. I think we are pretty close the green zone. 

I ended up getting stuck with some tortilla the other day. That was unpleasant. It just sat above my stomach like a brick. I was driving and eating-a breakfast burrito from mcdonalds (which was my best option from there- I didn't want a muffin or biscuit, but I HAD to eat something right then) anyway, a few bites and I was plugged. I drove for 15 minutes more, pulled over and yacked it back up. MAN was that a relief. It just feels so awful when it sticks. Yesterday, I ate some turkey meatloaf too quickly and got stuck again. Meatloaf usually slides right on through, but it was a big bite, I was in a hurry to get out the door, and I swallowed too soon. I had to bring that back up too, and was really glad I did. 

So I am learning slowly about applying some of the bandster rules that didn't apply before I was adjusted properly. Still feeling great, the tenderness from my port is pretty much gone (unless i'm laying on it in yoga class- it's like laying on your keys- OUCH!) Things are good in that department.

The second and largest change is that I have separated from my husband. We have been separated for a little over a week and it has been hard not going back to my old habits of eating to comfort myself. Luckily I don't have crap here to eat, so that helps. I notice that at night I feel like I need some vital comfort and I reach for food. Even if I am NOT hungry. It's bad. So dealing with a huge trauma like that really brought up some deeper issues for me to tackle. I have to invent new ways to make myself feel comfort. Hot beverages work (tea, SF hot chocolate), but it doesn't always. If I begin to feel munchy I will take myself out for a long walk. I have been walking for about 1 our at a time, exploring the neighborhoods around my apartment and enjoying the music and the alone time. But sometimes I get back and still feel like I need some comfort. It's a challenge.

Thirdly, I have run out of prozac, and cannot get more unless I see my doctor in Poulsbo- where I don't live anymore. So I think that has played a role in me feeling lost about how to cope with things. Maybe things are weighing on me even more because I don't have the help with my depression.

So I have contacted the therapist at NWWLS, Linda Ayers, and will be starting to see her regularly. She can also prescribe some prozac which I am hoping will help me. I know it won't perform miracles, hell, my marriage is ending! But it will help to have someone to talk to, and some medication support.

So far into this journey of single life, I am doing okay. Have tried to stay busy. As long as I do that, I feel good. Yesterday was a good day. I went out for my hour long outing around Greenwood, then came back, went out to Fred Meyer to pick up a mop and some lighting hanging hardware, a shower curtain, etc. I came back here and CLEANED THE FUCK out of this place. Rearranged the furniture, put away the weird computer crap of Matt's in the closet, Took the two twin beds we had been sleeping on and stacked them so now I have a like a princess and the pea thing going on. It's like sleeping on a really tall layer cake. Mmmmmm...... I am making this place my own. It feels good to do that. If feels cathartic. It feels like the kind of thing I have been waiting to do for a long time.

I miss having a companion from time to time, but I keep going back to the memory of the way things were and how unhappy I have been. Each time I examine it, I think I am making the right choice for me. Yes, it's sad, and it hurts, but we will both heal, and move on to be happier people. I truly believe this.

Gotta head for now,

xo

J

Navigating Away From Old Behaviors

I am two days out from my third fill. I am grateful for this since I am only getting about 2 hours of fullness out of each meal. This makes things difficult- staying on track- not eating that chocolate at work, not going crazy and buying a venti raspberry mocha with extra whip. I haven't gone off the deep end yet. I have been able to keep things under control for the most part.

Saturday was a challenging day. I had two dippin' eggs and one piece of toast. Apparently, after some research and experiencing it for myself firsthand- some bandsters have issues with eggs. But I didn't really have an issue with the eggs- I don't think so at least. But the toast was another story. I think maybe I could do it if I toasted it twice and ate only half. The full piece was either too much, or too bread-like for my stomach's liking. I didn't feel good after eating that. 

I then had a tall skinny mocha from sbux. They decided to shake things up a bit and have you order anything that is a sugar-free, nonfat as a "skinny". Apparently they also have a sugar-free mocha syrup and have for quite sometime. So I gave it a whirl. It was ok. Not super great. But nice to have something chocolatey. I really miss the toffee-nut lattes. I wish they would make a sugar-free version of that. It's delightful. Anyway- had my skinny mocha, and went shopping at Old Navy. I needed some new tshirts and sweaters. All my black t's are stained or shot to hell or too big. So I got a short sleeve, long sleeve, two ribbed-knt turtlenecks in black and one in burgundy, and a pink sweater that's too big for me, but it was on super-sale and I always want a BIG sweater when I'm cold. Anyway- it was a pleasing shopping experience. I swung by Kohls for the first time too (the first time in Silverdale- I have been in a Kohls before). I didn't find anything I really wanted there. They have nice things, but I think I ran out of energy to try things on, etc. 

Came back home and was extremely hungry. I threw together some wild rice, onions, garlic and chicken stock in a pan and simmered it. After the rice was done, I added chopped broccoli and some chopped chicken feta & spinach sausages. Let it cook together a while. It was really good. I ate some of that, and felt like I wanted dessert. (which is unusual for being banded- you don't typically want to eat ANYTHING after your meals) So I had two scoops of low-carb peppermint icecream with some whipped cream and crumbled a piece of leftover homemade fudge on top. It was divine. Not so much with the weight-loss friendly, but divine anyway. After sitting for a while and letting my food settle, I went out for a walk/run. I ran .6 miles this time and turned around. It started raining like CRAZY as I was headed back, so I went as fast as I could. Even though I have a waterproof jacket, it was COLD!

Later in the evening, I was sitting doing some beading and watching tv and I started to get snacky. I ate roasted pistachios, then after half an hour, I drank some crystal light, then I had some air-popped popcorn, then more icecream- but halfway through it- I realized I was actually HUNGRY- not snacky. So I dumped the rest of the icecream and made myself some chili (half a can) with one cut-up hot dog. It was good. Spicy, but good. 

Much later in the evening, I got snacky again and headed for the gingersnaps in the pantry. I was definitely doing mindless eating. I realized it and went to bed. I wasn't doing myself any good by staying awake.

I actually THREW AWAY a black tshirt today. I NEVER do that. I ADORE MY BLACK T-SHIRTS! I still feel all guilty about it. I must have a weird clothing attachment. It ought to be interesting when I have to toss out all my fat clothes and start fresh. It will either be fun, or really hard. I am betting on fun.

I went for a SUPER long walk tonight. After a fight with the husband over taking 2 cars to the apartment, and having a nice drive alone with Ani & John Mayer, I needed to get the heck out of here and bust my buns. (plus I didn't want to be here when husband got back over here) I took my typical walking route and ran maybe 1 or 2 blocks more than last time I ran there. I took a breather and ran a few more blocks, but I could feel my legs starting to cramp up and I went ahead and stopped running. Then I decided to turn my music off and just walk quietly and talk to myself about my marriage and my feelings and the things I want. I have been to enough therapists to be able to guide myself through some examinations of my feelings and needs. It worked pretty well. I still feel like I need to write out what I came up with for easy recall, but it was good anyway. As I did some "therapy", I continued to walk reverse of my route and then wound my way around some other lower streets. It was good and I am tired. I forgot to set my stopwatch when I started out, so I don't really know how long I was out. Doesn't really matter- just as long as I get my workouts in.

Before my workout tonight, I had a few pieces of turkey meatloaf, a few bites of the rice & broccoli, and a piece of dark chocolate. I am enjoying some decaf chai now and I think I may have one more piece of dark chocolate before I head to bed.

That's all I have now. Mind empty.

xo

jen

My First Stuck Food Fun

Since I had my second fill yesterday, the flow of my food and drink has been fairly uneventful. Tonight, after working late, and arriving home. I got dressed to go out and workout, but I wanted to get some protein in beforehand. I took out a thin slice of ham, put some dijon mustard on it, and rolled it up. I was eating quickly because I wanted to get out the door and I swallowed too much, too soon. It all piled up in my esophagus and just sat there like a lump. I felt like maybe I could get it to go down if I drank something- so I had a few drinks of milk. When that didn't work, I carefully cleared out the sink, and turned on the water. I had to work on it a little, but it came up pretty easy. It was a bizarre sensation- throwing up without being nauseous. I had no urge to throw up other than the urge to get the ham up. It was very uncomfortable and ached. 

After I felt like I was done- it still felt like there was a little sitting there. I had just gotten off the phone from making dinner reservations, but started to feel like I wasn't going to be able to enjoy dinner tonight. I called and cancelled. I made some hot tea and tried to relax. 

I felt better and we went and got some dinner at a seafood place down in Ballard. We had the halibut fish & chips. It was ok. The prices were high and I would have enjoyed a bowl of crab bisque for $9 much more than some fried fish and french fries. I ended up being able to eat one fish filet, and a few fries. Then I needed to stop. The stomach is a little cranky now, but I should be ok. 

It gives me hope that I am getting closer to my sweet spot. I go back next Wednesday for my thrid fill. I need to really make an effort to pay attention to what and when I am eating, and when I stop eating. I think I should write it all down to make sure I am paying attention. 

Today I had some oatmeal at 9, started to feel hungry-ish at 10:30 or so. Went and got a latte, and was good until 1:00 when I realized I was really hungry- but had to head to a meeting. I took with me half a banana, and a piece of string cheese. After the meeting I ate my few ounces of turkey meatloaf and felt better. At 4:00 I had a piece of dark chocolate, and left work at 5:30. Caught the bus about 20 minutes after that- and drank my little 8 oz V8, and ate another piece of cheese. I definitely needed to eat sooner than I did for lunch. I got too hungry- then I felt like I needed to eat more. 

I am feeling guilty about not working out today at all, but I know I will be ok. I am coming down with a cold and feeling kinda blah today. Heading to bed now I think.

2nd Fill and all's well

I had my second fill yesterday. It went well. I don't remember the woman's name who did it. She was someone I haven't met before, but she thought we had met- so she didn't introduce herself. I finally had to ask her name. Funny that I made a point of asking and still don't remember. DUH.

Anyway- good news on the weight loss front! Down 34.6 pounds! That's an average of 5 pounds a week! I was really excited. I did a dance right there in front of that total stranger. Didn't care. Would do it again in a minute. She had to take two whacks at sticking me yesterday- but she got it. I am at 5 ccs today. I noticed increased restriction yesterday morning when I tried to eat some yogurt. I was on soft foods yesterday- so not really sure how I felt. I was able to get some pineapple down yesterday evening- so I'd say I am maybe not quite to the green zone. We'll see how long it takes before I get hungry after eating. I keep forgetting to keep track of when I am eating. If I am getting hungry earlier than 4 hours or so, I still need fill.

Well, I woke up at normal workout time- and proceeded to sleep through it. Apparently I needed some sleep. I will hit the road tonight and bust my ass. Try for another half-mile run. I best get moving with my day now. Clothes to pick out, heels to pick out, and advil to take- I have a ripper headache this morning.

xo

jh

A New Year- A New Me

As I was typing this title, I wondered how many other blog posts in all the world were entitled exactly the same or something very similar. The odds are a large majority considering all the uncreative people out there. Apparently, today I fit into that category. Whatever.

Well, we all made it into 08. Hopefully happily and with no regrets. It was an out and out delightful day. I had to work earlier in the day- so I got to work around 9, wore my brand new 3+" shiny pewter pumps (even was able to teeter out to grab a latte and work on perfecting my strut-believe me I need all the practice I can get in heels) enjoyed my co-workers thoroughly, and we all left around 1:30 or so. I headed to the mall along with the ENTIRE PLANET. It was quite the adventure getting into and out of a parking space there. LOTS of people. I headed to a new store I hadn't been to before, Torrid (for sizes 12-24) and they have really fun stuff! I bought myself some party-wear! I bought a black sequined halter top! And some sparkly earrings. It was a good decision. 

I enjoyed New Year's Eve with my friends Cindy and Tom, and all their friends at a party. I haven't been out since my surgery- shit I haven't been out in a friggin' year! I wore the new items, a pair of jeans, and my new black platform slingback pumps. I was a lil hottie! I looked really good and I felt really good. Sadly there were no cute boys at the party to flirt with, but no matter- I felt good and I felt comfortable in my skin. WHAT A JOY that was. SO relaxing.

I had my first drinks since banding last night. I wasn't mixing, so I don't know how much liquor was in them, but I never seemed to achieve buzz. I have to steer clear of carbonation- which was tricky considering all the drinks made with fuzzy liquids. I ended up with sex on the beach- which was tasty. I wanted to try a flaming Dr. Pepper- but apparently you have to chug that. And it's made with beer- not so band-friendly on many levels. So I did a shared one with Cindy. I lit it, dropped the shot glass in the beer, took the first two drinks, then gave the remainder to Cindy. It was indeed flavored like Dr. Pepper- not unpleasant. The bubbles were an interesting sensation- I didn't experience any pain- but I did have to stand still and wait for the bubbles to work their way out. The burper works differently now- it's hard to explain- but I can't just burp- I have to wait until the band says it's ok. And it's the boss now.

We ended up getting back to C & T's  around 3:30 a.m. or so. I decided to go back to the apartment. I don't know what it is, but I don't like staying there. Maybe I just needed some time by myself. I just like to sleep in my own bed with my kitty. I got home around 4 or so. I had a great time.

Today I woke up around 10:45 or so. Had a shower, headed out and got coffee and cat litter (weird combo, I know- but the catbox asked to be cleaned). I came back and proceeded to clean the shit out of this place. I don't have the vacuum cleaner here- so it isn't super clean, but I really de-cluttered. I threw out like 4 bags of trash and shoes and old magazines, cleaned out the fridge, etc. It feels good.

Husband is at the house in Silverdale- I am really enjoying my alone time. 

Yesterday morning, I attained a new NSV (non-scale victory) I ran a half-mile during my morning workout. I am really proud of my accomplishment. I am also very sore! Between the running and all the heels I wore yesterday- the legs and hips are cranky. 

Previously I mentioned my new heels- I went out and binge-purchased 5 pair of new high heels. It was one of my personal goals to be able to wear heels regularly without them hurting me so much I couldn't walk afterward. I had achieved that for the most part. I am happy that my weight will only go one direction- so they can only get more comfortable. I am really enjoying being fashionable, feeling feminine and TALL! I towered over most of the men at the party last night. It was fun. I was Hot-Zilla. 

Among my other purchases was a new George Foreman grill. Since we are at the apt most of the time, I am unable to grill. So I decided to do it. The sucker cost me $85, but it's the fancy version with the temp control, and timer with digital readout. I haven't tried it yet, but plan to give it a go this week.

I have my second fill tomorrow morning at 8. I hope I get closer to the sweet spot. I have noticed I am feeling more hungry between meals- that the small portions aren't quite cutting it like they were 2 weeks ago. I don't know if it's because of muscle relaxation, visceral fat loss on my organs, or something else. I am really hoping they get me where I need to be tomorrow. I have a third fill scheduled in one week too, so it won't be much longer before we get it right.

C & T were really impressed at my weight loss and how I look. That felt good. They were shocked that I had done this, but they were certainly supportive. 

Well, that's all I have for now. I have to go get the husband in Silverdale. I wish he would just come over here but it's not really cost-effective. (I guess)

Here's to a thinner new year!

jh