Hard to Love Myself

I bought a really cute sundress today. And it doesn't fit. Not even close. I have been greasing my imagination wheels just enough to convince myself that I haven't gained THAT much, but then something like this reality hits me SMACK in the face and I am forced to keep my eyes open and look at the facts.

This is hard for me to share.

I was at 190 lbs. in November of 2009 before I had abdominoplasty. Then I had surgery and it took a LONG time to recover. I never got back to that level of athleticism that I was at. And I changed my lifestyle completely from what it was when I moved in with my Sig other. Since then, my weight loss journey and goals have taken a back seat to my life's drama, my depression, my frustration, and I fell swiftly back into medicating with food. My athletic endeavors shrunk to almost none. The reality today is that I am at 228 lbs. That's a gain of 38 lbs over the course of a year and 6 months.

How did this happen? I feel like I have failed myself. I feel like suddenly I am ill-equipped to get myself going in the right direction. Drowning in my depression and fat. No control. No life-raft.

But I stay afloat-(insert fat buoyancy joke here) and keep paddling. Hoping that the switch will flip back on and I'll return to the place I was- where losing was a priority and medicating with food was not an option, and where my depression didn't rule me so very much.

I know I have the strength to battle this out. But sometimes, you just get tired of fighting. I want to put my plate and fork down and rest in the green grass peacefully.

More to come. All I can do is keep trying.
xo
j

Powerless

In what area of my life do I feel stuck?
Where do I begin?

Work- unsatisfied, unsure of stability, feeling of hopelessness and apathy towards it. Knowing that in the end, this work means nothing and that no matter what I do today, it will not change the decisions that will be or have been made regarding my job in the new combined organization.

Scared and unsure and worried about branching out trying to find new work. Am I good enough? Will I be able to find a job that really fulfills my creative needs? Will my work mean something? Am I barking up the wrong tree regarding the direction of my work? Should I be focusing on growing my own business? Making a living from my artwork like www.PaPaYa.com ? Can I do this AND hold down a part time job? What if I fail? What if someone sees how insecure I am and how scared I am of the unknown? How will they judge me?

Home- I don’t like my living situation. I don’t like having someone living with me and my significant other. I feel intruded upon and like my privacy is severely compromised. In this environment I feel depressed and powerless to make any changes I want to. I am not creating. I am not playing music loudly. I am not singing. I am not excited about cooking. I am not excited about my weight loss or my journey for a more athletic self. I am falling back into my old comfort mechanisms because of how unhappy and uncomfortable and how powerless I feel in my daily life. I am not living fully as I was when I was living alone.

WHY?

Fear of being judged. Fear of disturbing others. Fear of being attacked AGAIN for being true to my emotional, creative and boisterous, and visually exciting nature. Fear of overstepping others’ boundaries. Fear of letting others down- that inner voice that is screaming to me: “I cannot stay here anymore- I am not living my most authentic life. I want to move back to Seattle- but I have a mortgage I agreed to pay. I made a promise to stick by this.” The thing is, I am sticking by my promises- is everyone else sticking by theirs? Did I promise too much up front? Did I promise to fully sacrifice myself to the greater good? I don’t remember doing that. What can I do about this now?

I feel trapped in this suburban life where yard work takes up the weekends. I AM NOT A LANDSCAPER OR A GARDENER. Bully for Bev who loves it, but cannot physically do it, but I don’t love it. I never have. I would rather go shopping or travel or shoot photos or paint or be engrossed in some creative project.

I posses a great deal of apathy. Don’t feel inspired to go out and run/explore in the area I live in. There is nothing exciting or interesting about the neighborhoods or the people around me. I am not inspired by my surroundings. This is a key factor. I can choose to drive to different areas and work out there. I can choose to get a personal trainer and work out with them.

I am afraid to stand up and make changes and assume that I have any power because I am worried that I will be reprimanded for making things the way I want them. What if I rearranged the kitchen? What if I got rid of half the crap in there? What if I got rid of the extra towels and such? What if I asserted myself and my needs for expressing myself visually? What if I painted the front door? What if I funk-ified the entryway? What would they do? Cast me out? Yell at me?

Family- It’s so fucked up. It always has been. My mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law. They continue to choose their comfort and I continue to choose mine. These two paths do not overlap. It is unfortunate. I feel deserted sometimes. I feel angry sometimes. I feel sad that I have to divorce them in order to maintain my basic level of comfort. I feel sad that they don’t understand and think that I am selfish and strange and dramatic. It hurts to be that misunderstood by those who are supposed to know you best & love you anyway.

I feel my only family is Cory, Valerie, Jane & Chet, my grandma, Linda- my therapist, and that’s about it.

Self- My hunger for security and okayness and joy is sometimes almost completely out of control. I am not feeding myself in the ways my heart and soul need. And I substitute with food. There is so much discomfort around my daily life and just coping and getting by- just surviving- that I have withdrawn again. I’m not even here for my life. I have let food become my security blanket again. This is self-destructive and SUCH a 180 from what I KNOW in MY HEART is good for me.

On the flip side, I am devouring books and weblogs and trying to find the answer to help me wake up from this. I am attending therapy. I am asking for help. I can at least be proud and give myself credit for that.

Hitting The Reset Button

So last weekend I went on a mini-vacation with boyfriend. We took a photography wandering trip along the Oregon coast. I ate WAY too much of WAY the wrong things. I didn't get too down on myself because I figured I'm on vacation, it's not like I do this all the time. Plus we were constantly walking and climbing rocks and hiking trails so it wasn't as if I was lying around on a chaise lounge eating gallons of ice cream.

I have returned from the trip to find my weight crept up by a few lbs. Not happy news. Not shocking, but still not happy. So I have made a decision. Since I have been constantly waffling on "getting back on track" and clearly not committed to changing my habits, I need a reset period. I need a final promise to myself that I will be changing my habits back to where they were when I was first banded. I have to mentally put myself back there.

How did I feel?
What were my top priorities?
What was I excited about?
What was I afraid were going to be roadblocks?

All these questions are things I need to dig into and examine. Which I will do. For now, while I am at work, I will think on it.

As a method of getting myself and my metabolism reset, I am resuming the liquid diet that my surgeon put me on for a week before my banding. I will do this for one -two weeks, jumpstart my weight loss (hopefully) and shrink my tummy a little so that when I go back to 3 0z protein and 1/2 c produce, I feel satisfied and that feels like a normal amount of food for me.

At that point, I will truly be able to gauge if I need a fill or not.

At least that's the master plan. We'll see how it goes.
Will keep you posted.

xo
j