This is a tough journey- not for the wussies or the excuse-makers or the meagerly interested. I have to keep reminding myself of that. And there are no highways or interstates. It's not a process in which I can cruise onto the smooth interstate and set the cruise control until I arrive at my "destination" (a.k.a. my goal weight).

In truth this is a winding, sometimes dusty, unkempt road with washboard sections, giant muddy ruts to get stuck in if you aren't careful, and daunting, wide rivers to cross. This road is the kind that will often double back on itself like an oxbow river. Winding back and forth, three steps forward, two steps back, one giant stumble onto my ass or my face (face into a bowl of ice cream or whatever other god-awful "dessert-ish" , calorie-dense concoction I decide I can make out of what I can find at midnight), get up, dust myself off, three more steps forward...and so it goes. This month's "progress" has been more maintenance than anything else. Which I guess is saying at least SOMETHING about the attention I am paying- or not paying.

My internal optimist (who I try to hand the microphone to because she's VERY soft-spoken) says "good for you for not gaining! Maintaining is difficult and you seem to have done well this week".

My internal pessimist/ gym coach says "WHAT is YOUR problem? You have run a 10K and a 5K race in the past two years, you have been in tip-top shape and then you take a nosedive into recuperating from surgery, being in a relationship, buying a new house....blah blah blah... OH THE EXCUSES! And now look at you! You are nearly 30 pounds heavier than you were a year ago! WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF DIGNITY MAGGOT?!!" (I was channeling R. Lee Ermy there for a sec-have you seen that Geico commercial where he is the former drill sargent turned psychiatrist? HILARIOUS)

And I sit quietly at the foot of my pessimist drill sargent self, I bow my head in self-pity and shame and I say.."I don't know. I lost myself and my priorities in the business of life. I was busy being fat and happy in a wonderful relationship, I was busy buying a home and moving and working my ass off and treating myself with food-just like I always have...without even thinking about it. Before I knew it, it was October and I was having trouble getting into my jeans. Now it's February and I'm REALLY having trouble getting into my jeans"

As you know I have been "training" for a 5k that is slated to run this weekend. I use the term "training" SUPER lightly as that is how I have been dedicated to my training... SUPER lightly. I get in maybe 2 of my 5 workouts each week. I continue to be tired or feel depressed or have some other reason why I'm just not doing a workout tonight. I let myself slide. So now I am faced with a difficult challenge. I just got off the treadmill where I did a 30 minute workout but only ran maybe half of it. The total workout amounted to 2 miles and change. I am supposed to run 3.1 miles on Sunday and last time I ran, I was running an 11/12 minute mile. I think right now I am doing a 15 minute mile. My level of fitness has depleted significantly. It's embarrassing and I feel ashamed of it.

I have a choice. I can suck it up and go run as much of the race as I can and put forth my best effort, and feel the exhilaration of accomplishing something like a 5k (even if I have to maybe walk a little of it- my worst fear), and maybe be inspired to get back in line with my training, or I can choose to bow out of this race... like I did the one back in November-which was a whole other level of being ashamed.

The choice seems pretty clear to me. I'm not looking for the easy way. I am looking for the most alive way. I am looking for the way that will lead me towards feeling whole and present and aware and IN my life. I am never again looking for the way that leads me to sedate myself with food, cruise through my days in survival mode-almost in a sleeping state because I am SO unhappy and feeling SO stuck in my life that I don't know what to do.

Thinking about it, I found myself through my exercise regimen before and after my lap-band surgery. I found my voice and my courage to follow my heart, which was away from my crappy marriage, and away from my crappy unfulfilled life. Time to re-find myself, reconnect with my priorities. Me time. (balanced with We time.)

xo
j