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Wednesday, July 13, 2011

This has very little to do with the lap band

My life is in a state of flux. The company I have been with for over 10 years is being absorbed by another company. My job and it's soundness is up in the air. I have been waiting for WEEKS to find out what's going on and the not knowing is killing me. I am, yes I know it may be shocking, a SERIOUS worrier.

I have what seems to be a promising interview with another place at the end of the week, but I am hoping I can handle to commute. All the unknowns are SO bothersome to me.

Beyond all this, I started some new antidepressant meds to add to my antidepressant meds and I was feeling much better for a few weeks. But yesterday and today I feel like I am sliding backwards. I think maybe 4 pills a day is too much and I should cut it back to three and stay there a while- see if it helps. Today life was so overwhelming that I went to work, did all I could (which isn't much because we are in such a state of flux), drank a 16 oz white breve mocha, which has like 17,000 calories in it... and I managed to get down an apple fritter with a little help from my mocha. So all-in all, I blew most of my calories before lunchtime. I took some more anxiety meds and tried to relax. Not so much. I just wanted to cry. Or sleep. Or cry myself to sleep.

So I opted to leave work an hour early and come home- and right now I am in the process of getting pretty hammered on blueberry vodka and low-cal lemondrop mixer. I want to numb out in the worst way. If the vodka doesn't work, I'll go for some pain killers. If I wasn't such a chicken and was a lot more stupid I would go for a LOT of pain killers chased with a LOT of vodka and just be done with it all.

This is not a happy place to be coming from. Cory wants to marry me. I want to marry him. We will have a furkid in a few months. There is lots to live for. I have a partner who loves me so much and takes such good care of me- but still lets me be who I am and still respects my independence. But my sadness and uncertainty doesn't really want to hear about that shit. It feels crappy NOW. It wants relief NOW.

Backing up a few steps and looking at the real situation here: I got about 4 hours of sleep last night. I am really really stressed about my work and my future. I am still trying to get my meds right. I have people who love me and care about me. I am a talented artist who just needs to find her niche. I am sitting in my backyard in the (intermittent) sunshine with my feet up and a cocktail in my hand. It is peaceful and lovely here. I have so many things to be grateful for.

Am I telling myself horror stories based in no fact? Yes. Am I worrying myself threadbare about things in life that I have NO control over? YES.

Maybe this is what they mean in those 12 step programs about surrendering to a higher power. I need to release the need to control (which I don't really have anyway) and hand it over to the universe. Trust that it will send me what I need when I need it. That is really hard to do. There are so many things in my life that I had to stand up and fight like hell to make happen- I didn't just sit and wait for it to come to me- and now I have a hard time releasing that M.O. I feel if I don't stand up right away, take action right away, that I will miss some grand opportunity... that I will be forgotten by the universe- that I will be passed over in the divine sense and left to fend for myself.

Okay- BLAMMO- that vodka is hitting me. I am gonna need to wrap this up soon. Otherwise I'll start going on about something inappropriate or secret that is best left buried.

On the upside- since the last post, I have lost 5 pounds- so there is that.

A vodka-soaked good evening to you all,
J
xo

13 comments:

Jen said...

If you need someone to talk to email me at jennaysteele at yahoo dot com and I will send you my number. I feel so lost for words right now, you hang in there and don't hurt yourself- you said it yourself, you have a lot to live for! Ask for some support from someone close to you, find a counselor or someone to talk things out with. I'm thinking of you and available if you just want to talk it out with someone who definitely will not judge or tell you that what you are feeling is wrong. I hope that things turn around quickly for you and you are feeling better already! Please, please let me know if there is anything I can do to support you. Seriously :) Jen

Jen said...

BTW, I am in Marysville so if you are anywhere nearby I'd love to get together sometime- this is a difficult journey and it always helps to know that someone else really understands what it is all about. ((HUGS))

Justawallflower said...

Hey Jenepher, just know that what you are going through will pass in time. You need to have faith and take things one day at a time. (((hugs)))

♥ Drazil ♥ said...

Hang in there sweetie - you can get through this - you're in my thoughts.

Steph said...

It seems that the meds may be losing their effectiveness, because you should not be feeling this way and I encourage you to call Jen and talk to her like she offered. Suicidal, depressed thoughts are not good. Know there are plenty of people for you to reach out to. I just started antidepressants for my anxiety a couple of days ago, so I can understand. Don't give up and don't feel like your life is out of your control. It is...big hugs to you!

Amanda Kiska said...

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I know things seem horrible right now, but I promise it will get better. Don't forget that alcohol is a depressant so it can make that issue worse. Also some medications have been associated with suicidal thoughts in some people. Call your doc right away to see if you should continue taking them.

Cat said...

Hi there Jenepher, please don't do anything rash, it's important that you talk to someone. Also remember that alcohol can have side effects with certain anti depressant medications. Please be careful.

Dawnya said...

Hi Jenepher. Please, please don't hurt yourself. Take Jen up on her offer and call her. You need to talk to someone. Someone who can keep you off the ledge. First thing in the morning you need to call your doctor and tell them that the meds are not working.

This huge hiccup in your life is going to pass. Don't give up hope. If you need extra conversation email me at blackbutterfly719 at gmail.com. I will send you my number as well.

DiZneDiVa said...

Please hang in there and you'll get through whatever live throws your way. It is difficult to understnad depression sometimes, I struggle with depression when everything's wonderful in my life and It smooth sailing when everything's in chaos. It's all chemicals and like our strange food cravings... we just have to get through it and tomorrow will be better.

Annie said...

I am so sorry you are having a hard time, and feeling so depressed and stressed! I think it's okay to worry, but try not to let it consume you. I think you should get your ducks in a row career wise- do all you can to find something else, and keep your fingers crossed about your current situation. That may help with the helplessness.

Thinner Jenepher said...

Dear loving followers of my often random blathering,

Thank you for your outpouring of support and kindness today with regards to my post on Wednesday. Yes, it was a pretty low day, but I know too well after having been through a divorce and a terribly abusive childhood that I am stronger than circumstances and that this, too, will pass.

I have a wonderful therapist and a support system I can utilize anytime I need it, so I know I am not alone. And now, you wonderful people-seemingly coming out of the woodwork, I feel I can add to my support system!

I thank you for all your warm responses and general outpouring of support! The lap-band community is really tight! I had no idea! I am so grateful to be a part of it!

Thank you again wonderful lovelies!

XO
Jen

Alison said...

So glad to see your update! Hope that today is a better day for you.

Jen said...

hey Jen, haven't heard from you for a while, just stopping by to say hi! Hope you are well, do a post soon to update us :)