This Morning’s FREAKOUT

I got to sleep at 11 last night, woke up at 6, that’s a decent amount of sleep. I got plenty of exercise yesterday although I didn’t eat very well (read: I didn’t eat enough until WAY too late in the day- to the point where I couldn’t function-not necessarily junk eating). So today, I get here (TO WORK) feeling awake enough, start working on studying XHTML & CSS some more and I just keep trying to fall asleep. I had my coffee. I had my second coffee. I had a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of nonfat yogurt. I kept dozing. I wanted to go home and sleep. I didn’t want to be here. I decided that eating something would help. (WHY would that HELP??? THAT NEVER HELPS!!!-NOT IN THE LONG RUN) I chose a package of mini-cookies from the “vending machine of death” and proceeded to snarf those down and that elevated me somewhat… but was a really temporary high. So I decided that I needed to eat the hershey’s kisses over there on my coworker’s desk. I think I ate about 15 because my stomach is not happy with me.

So this whole thing is one-part confessional, and one part strange out-of-body experience. Because I was AWARE the whole time I was doing this. I was MINDFUL of the poor choices I just made. I watched curiously as I popped piece after piece of chocolate into my mouth… trying to accomplish some sort of magical transition-I watched to see what happened. I was DESPARATE for some sort of way to pump myself up to the functioning level, at whatever the cost. It sort of worked… but now I am angry, sad, guilt-ridden, and still tired. Ahhh… the vicious circle of addiction! YAY!

I can’t just go home every time I feel this way… I might be “out sick” for weeks if I chose that path- not an option. I am taking my anti-depression meds on-time each day, I am taking my anti-anxiety meds on time each day. I am still not right. There is something going on really deep inside me. I wonder if it’s the weather change that is depressing me. I wonder if it’s just the stress of my situation that is depressing me (Cory was laid off…same story as many in the country---but a little bit of my history repeating in that I am the sole breadwinner for the household again-I NEVER wanted to be in this place again EVER). DUH---I wonder why I can’t keep to my commitment to keep away from my drugs. Example:

Last night- I didn’t feel like cooking, but was really hungry. Cory went to the store to pick up a few things and the SECOND I knew he was out the door, I was searching for the leftover Halloween candy. I didn’t over-do it thankfully- two snack kit-kats, two mini snack boxes of junior mints, but as soon as I had my fix I was able to wind down a little bit. Prior to the Halloween candy, I thought about making myself a drink. (It would have been a better choice calorically- 140 calories for a vodka-cran verses over 200 calories for the candy) But along with having a drink to “wind down” comes the stigma of alcoholism and in the end I’m just trading one drug (food) for another (vodka)…instead of killing the issue at the root.

The root is stress. The root is anxiety and fatigue. The root is a thick one that has grown deeply into every piece of me… and it’s insidious. My current methods are not working. I don’t know what to do really.

Not able to eat in the mornings.

Today, not till 2. I also had to take an extra dose of xanax because my anxiety was just out of control. I woke up late, which was not a relaxing start to begin with. Took the bus, +1 to the low stress path …. So I should still be even in the stress score. Get to work, login, work on some stuff. Low key morning. Lots of stuff to do. Sick of listening to the man who sits across from me. Irritated by the face that the raspberry yogurt I just tried to eat doesn’t want to stay down. Irritation = stress for me. What do I do? I sit here and keep working instead of getting up and taking a break. I didn’t make a good choice for myself.

At 10 after 1, I finally made myself go out and take a very brisk walk up 5^th to Union to 3^rd and north to Macy’s. I tried to focus on breathing and keeping my breath constant with my stride… just like I do when I run. Seemed to help some. I tripped on cracks in the sidewalk every so often, or almost turn my ankle stepping off curbs. I’m like WTF?? Starting to feel shitty and cranky at this point… maybe because I haven’t eaten. I wander around Macy’s and decide to leave. I walk to Nordstrom and heading up the stairs to go get soup at the café, I trip, and fall up the stairs AGAIN! This time I didn’t hurt myself, caught myself before knees hit steps… just really bruised the ego again. Feeling ridiculous and out of sorts and depressed. My internal dialogue went something like this:

“Fuck! Jesus Jen, why can’t you walk or climb stairs? Hmmm… maybe because you are hungry and need to eat something so you can maintain your balance, dumb ass.” I was not kind to myself. So I get the soup, carefully make it down three flights of escalators without incident, and walk back to work arriving intact.

Sitting here after eating said soup, I am feeling better, more balanced, less like I want to just end it all. I am also half way through a banana. I am SO frustrated with my lack of taking care of me lately. Between moving this summer and the Halloween party I just threw, I have been completely ignoring my needs. I have been going through the motions. Not able to make myself sit down and concentrate on ME. Plan meals, plan workouts, plan things like hair appointments, dental appointments, etc. I just make certain I have money in my checking account, gas in my car, coffee in my house, that I get to work, that my freelance clients are cared for, that I continue to grow and nurture Cory & my relationship to the next levels, and that I consider working on my art/portfolio/personal interests every now and then. I feel as though I have abandoned me. It’s depressing.

Living alone it was easier, but also lonelier. I have to find the balance so I am not so stressed about my needs not being met all the time. This is something I have to do.

Plan for this evening:

Catch Bus

Go Home

Take Nap

Deal With Freelance Clients

Plan Meals for Week

Plan Workouts for Week

Take care of housekeeping (bills, etc.)

Relax

Go to bed EARLY.

We’ll see how this plan goes.

BREATHING….

Good news, the monkey can't eat it.

Can't get the chips down. Worked out well. Lap-band saves the day again!

Monkey See, Monkey Eat

I was just getting a cup of tea. No cream, no sugar, just black with some splenda. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a big bag of potato chips leftover from the party.

Just up there on top of the fridge.

Looming.

I knew if I tried to ignore them, they would continue to taunt me all day. Food does that to me.

I got a tiny bowl and got out a serving. I hid the bag from sight. Hoping this will take care of the problem. No deprivation, but also no going overboard. Some comfortable middle ground.

Why do I have to eat everything I see? I saw there are a mammoth amount of m&ms in a huge jar in the living room. I better deal with those too- although I don't feel their pull near as much. What is it about the sight of food that makes me think "ooh.... I HAVE TO put that in my mouth!"

I hate that. I hate being an addict. I hate the idea that I will have to fight this fight my whole life. It seems overwhelming. I guess the goal is to replace the food with something that's a healthy high. Running helps. Having a hobby or a goal outside of weight loss helps.

The other way to look at it is the way my therapist does, she decided she is no longer going to diet. And so that's exactly what she did. And she lost 30 pounds over the course of a year. I think that says a lot about what can happen when you take food out of the spotlight- as the star of the show in your life, and put it on the shelf with the other tools humans need to live. Make YOURSELF the star of the show. Make your needs the headliner. Put the old coping mechanisms in the closet and realize that you aren't that person any longer. It's truly inspiring to me to see and hear that it can be done. That it's a place that is achievable. It's comforting.

I have to go journal the chips now.

"Break A Leg" is not an appropriate good luck wish

Well, Halloween party frenzy behind me, and the perfect storm of goodies, cakes, cookies and cocktails all around me mostly gone, I began the week with a new-found sense of optimism. I did a "clearing" of the house, banishing all the evil spirits a.k.a. JUNKFOOD from the house...taking them to work to fatten up those around me. I ran/ walked 3 miles Monday night and felt good about it. I talked to my cohabitators about some of my habits and how they might be changing (maybe spending more time alone and listening to my needs- nurturing myself in ways other than food)- and how it was not because of them, but because of my needs. I received good support. I was firmly pointed in the right direction. My path plotted. My journey continuing.

Then I went to Starbucks yesterday morning.

I didn't fall off the wagon and order 3 apple fritters and a venti breve chocolate chip frappuccino with extra whipped cream (which I would say is typically the most hazardous danger in going to Starbucks). No, I ordered a tall skinny hazelnut latte. I also ordered a grande skinny caramel latte for my boss (not an ass-kissing thing, just a reciprocal circle we are in). I got my drinks after wading through the masses of finely-coiffed women posing in impossibly high, uncomfortable shoes and huddled in their tight cliques, dodging zombie-like men and women all completely entranced by their iPhones, I pranced merrily up the stairs back to work...when I fell UP the STAIRS in the Starbucks.

I plunged knee-first onto the concrete stairs, then onto my hands and nearly my face. It felt as if time had stopped. It seemed like the happy singing of Ella Fitzgerald ceased, and the baristas suddenly quit steaming their milk, while the entire 35 people in Starbucks all stopped talking and looked at me. My back was to them, so all they saw was me splayed out on the stairs. Then, just like in the movies, everything continued as it was- music resumed, milk steaming continued, jabbering and talking again filled the air. I heard one person say, "oh my gosh, are you okay?" and I managed to mumble "yes, just a bruised ego".

My boss's drink went flying, mine was in my personal mug, sealed up, so no spillage there. The manager came to my aid, taking the empty latte cup and assuring me they'd replace the drink, and was I sure I was okay? An employee came with a mop and cleaned up the mess. All the while, I still didn't have the guts to turn and face the crowd of people. Finally I realized that my knee hurt. A LOT. Enough that I wanted to start crying like a 4 year old who has a boo-boo. Enough that while I awaited my drink replacement, I had to grip on to the railings of the stairs just to keep from falling again from shaking-as I navigated my way up the stairs slowly and out the door.

I limped the block and a half back to work and got myself back to my desk. I sat down. I rolled up my pant leg, and I saw a huge purple dent where my knee had struck the step, and a gigantic goose-egg forming up around it. A coworked fetched me some ice and I put my leg up. As I sat there, trying to breathe through the pain, I realized that if I was just bruised, or it was just a minor owee- the adrenaline would have kicked in by now, numbing the pain a little. Well, it just got worse. I tried to work and ignore it, but the shaking made it hard for me to control my mouse. I finally gave in and called boyfriend to come get me and take me to the doctor.

He came, we went, had xrays and discovered thankfully, that nothing was chipped or broken, and that I had just severely traumatized the tendon that attaches all my thigh muscles to all my lower leg muscles. The doctor said, painkillers, crutches for two days, and if it doesn't get better within that timeframe, come back. We went home, I was drugged up, slept for 3 hours, got up, ate some couscous, watched TV, fell asleep, watched more TV with boyfriend, went to bed.

So here I am. Feeling pretty good today. I graduated from the crutches this morning- that's how quickly things have healed. Now just a limp and half a painkiller to get me in a good place. Tomorrow I go back to work and I will start walking during my breaks to make sure I don't stiffen up. Hopefully, I will be able to resume my training for my next 5K next week. Till then, walking each night, or elliptical each night. Yesterday's eating went well as far as calories go... not so well as far as what i could keep down. Meds and this accident were enough to make me unusually tight.

This morning I am working from home. I have had a couple cups of coffee, I tried eating some Fiber One Cereal- which reminds me of Guinea Pig droppings- YUCK. They weren't too awful tasting, but they weren't going down either. So I drank the milk, tossed the cereal. Drinking tea now and hoping I can get this banana down. My other goal today is to make sure I don't bow to the call of the fridge. I don't have a LOT to do for work. I have laid out my newsletter and realized I don't have any of the pieces I need to work on a new mailing series we are doing next year. So I'm kind of done for the day. My plan is to keep checking my work emails, and getting up every so often to walk around so I don't stiffen up too much.

I don't know what to take from this experience other than be careful going up the stairs. There's no karmic connection, no hidden message here. Just a life happening. And I have to carry on with keeping to what's most important. I am grateful that most of the shitty food is out of the house so I am not tempted to eat it. That helps.

Okay, I have reached the blathering stage. Time to quit writing.
Back to reality... or rather, ON with reality.

J

Derelict Blogger

Wow... over a year since I posted. How much has changed? Well, everything really.

In this past year I have run a 10K, gotten a tummy tuck, moved in with my boyfriend, bought a new car, paid off my student loans, bought a house with my boyfriend, run a 5K, and gained 20 lbs over the summer. It's been interesting.

I ran the Lake Union 10K August of 09. I got my tummy tuck in November of 09. It took a LOT out of me. I didn't realize what major surgery could do to a body. I am STILL recovering. My body looks great now and I am no longer ashamed of it. It's really freeing. After my surgery, I spent several weeks at boyfriend's house recouping and we decided moving in would be a good next step since I was spending all my time there anyway. So I moved. Spent christmas there, bought a new car in April a new Mini Cooper that I adore (it has ZEBRA STRIPES! YAY!) Then Cory and I started looking at houses and ran across one in mid May. It was a quick decision and we had a house come July. It's beautiful here and my commute is really easy. We are still getting settled in... stuff everywhere. A few weeks ago I ran another 5K after having not trained well... and I did okay... 34.31 minutes... but not great. I am again in training for my next 5K come November. In the meantime, I am also planning a monster bash for our Housewarming Halloween Party. Need to get invitations done and out to all my people.

As far as my weight loss progress goes, well I went backwards. I was too full for a long time too long and had been doing maladaptive eating for months (liquid calories were my mainstay- THERE IS A REASON YOU NEED TO AVOID LIQUID CALORIES!!). I gained 20 lbs before I realized it and now I am slowly whittling myself back down to where I was. I need to lose the 20 just to get back to where I was when I had surgery. I need to lose an additional 20 to get to my GOAL weight. The one prescribed by the doctors. I have decided that I am doing it now. No more distractions, excuses, etc. I have all the knowledge and tools I need to get to that goal. Something tells me that my body will not want to STAY at this supposed "optimum" goal weight, but I will get there and see how my body reacts. All I know is that I cannot revert to old patterns to cope with my stress if I want to stay thin and healthy. And I need to do it before I hit 35 otherwise, it gets more and more difficult to do.

I talk about it like it's a destination when it's a journey. It's a thing I will battle my whole life. Actually I don't like the way that sounds. I am not battling. I don't want to battle. This lifestyle change is something that I want to dedicate myself to for my whole life... because I am happier, more healthy, more inspired, and my most authentic self when I take care of my body. I can feel it in my aching tendons and muscles and my tired bones! (LOL-tonight was a yoga class followed by 2.5 miles of running)

I'll get to my next chapter. I am worth the effort.

Update from the slacker blogger

So last time I posted on here it was something like October or November of 08. Here we are and it's June of 09. I have had a whirlwind um..."adventure" I guess you could call it. I did end up moving back to Colorado briefly looking for work, looking for stability, looking for some solid ground in some place. I think honestly, I was looking for a band-aid. Some way to not have to deal with being alone and really accepting that we are ALL alone in this world. But right before I did that, I reconnected with Matt again and we decided to try to reconcile. He came out in March and packed me up and brought me back to Seattle. 3 weeks in or so, I realized that NOTHING had changed between us. He was still who he was, I was COMPLETELY different and needed/required different things than he was able/prepared to give me. So I decided that between that and his ex-girlfriend still being VERY much in the picture, I was unprepared to be second best EVER again. So I threw in the towel. I gave up. I moved out and said goodbye. It was my choice, but I had to do it for my sanity and for the good of all the progress I had made the year prior. He and I don't fit anymore. And I guess that's okay, but it's still sad and still hard and still really unfathomable after 17/18 years together. What the fuck?

Anyway, so in June of 09 I am still moving along towards getting to my goal weight. Well, moving along isn't really accurate- I am just hovering where I am. I want very much to keep moving, but it is slow and difficult because of the stress I experience frequently. If I DO get a fill, I often have to go in and have it removed because of the inability to keep things down. And the sucky thing is the stress comes and goes and is NOT predictable in the least. So I never know when the rollercoaster is headed into the super low dip and I'll be dragging my ass along the ground for days and days until suddenly it elevates again.

This is the beauty of the ride when one upheaves their life to the extent that I have. Who knows when "normal" will ever come back? I am hopeful that someday soon it will. In the meantime, I am at least able to maintain my weight with exercise and staying busy. Also it helps that I don't watch TV- I don't want to snack if I don't watch TV. It's a great solution and I am much more productive without the idiot box sucking up all my time.

One new development is that NWWLS is now offering abdominoplasty. I actually have an appointment next week to have a consultation for this procedure. It's something that I never thought that I would be interested in doing, but since losing so much after being overweight for SO many years, my skin will not spring back to where it should be. SO- I am thinking of the tummy tuck as a final step towards my new body. It would be nice to be able to run without the extra skin, etc. flopping around on me, it would be nice to be able to wear shirts tucked into my jeans with a belt and not have to worry about the belly roll showing up and looking terrible. Additionally, I don't think I have a memory of when my belly button actually was exposed to air EVER. I would love it if my belly was such that my belly button was visible when I stood up straight and possibly even pierce-able at some point down the line assuming the texture of my belly is tolerable. I know that stretch marks are forever, but at least a flatter tummy will be something I can be proud of and feel MUCH more secure in my body. I think it would be something that would really change how I feel about myself...even more, if that's possible.

So that's the update for now. Training for a 5K this September. Hoping to get on schedule for training for that once my new tattoo heals and I can get my running shoes back on. I think it will be an amazing experience and I can't wait to have that accomplishment under my belt.

Just talked with McG for a few minutes and I feel like I have some closure. That man is the sweetest I have met. He's real and I love that.

Here's to a healthier me both physically and mentally- in a few months at the least.

XO

j