Update from the slacker blogger

So last time I posted on here it was something like October or November of 08. Here we are and it's June of 09. I have had a whirlwind um..."adventure" I guess you could call it. I did end up moving back to Colorado briefly looking for work, looking for stability, looking for some solid ground in some place. I think honestly, I was looking for a band-aid. Some way to not have to deal with being alone and really accepting that we are ALL alone in this world. But right before I did that, I reconnected with Matt again and we decided to try to reconcile. He came out in March and packed me up and brought me back to Seattle. 3 weeks in or so, I realized that NOTHING had changed between us. He was still who he was, I was COMPLETELY different and needed/required different things than he was able/prepared to give me. So I decided that between that and his ex-girlfriend still being VERY much in the picture, I was unprepared to be second best EVER again. So I threw in the towel. I gave up. I moved out and said goodbye. It was my choice, but I had to do it for my sanity and for the good of all the progress I had made the year prior. He and I don't fit anymore. And I guess that's okay, but it's still sad and still hard and still really unfathomable after 17/18 years together. What the fuck?

Anyway, so in June of 09 I am still moving along towards getting to my goal weight. Well, moving along isn't really accurate- I am just hovering where I am. I want very much to keep moving, but it is slow and difficult because of the stress I experience frequently. If I DO get a fill, I often have to go in and have it removed because of the inability to keep things down. And the sucky thing is the stress comes and goes and is NOT predictable in the least. So I never know when the rollercoaster is headed into the super low dip and I'll be dragging my ass along the ground for days and days until suddenly it elevates again.

This is the beauty of the ride when one upheaves their life to the extent that I have. Who knows when "normal" will ever come back? I am hopeful that someday soon it will. In the meantime, I am at least able to maintain my weight with exercise and staying busy. Also it helps that I don't watch TV- I don't want to snack if I don't watch TV. It's a great solution and I am much more productive without the idiot box sucking up all my time.

One new development is that NWWLS is now offering abdominoplasty. I actually have an appointment next week to have a consultation for this procedure. It's something that I never thought that I would be interested in doing, but since losing so much after being overweight for SO many years, my skin will not spring back to where it should be. SO- I am thinking of the tummy tuck as a final step towards my new body. It would be nice to be able to run without the extra skin, etc. flopping around on me, it would be nice to be able to wear shirts tucked into my jeans with a belt and not have to worry about the belly roll showing up and looking terrible. Additionally, I don't think I have a memory of when my belly button actually was exposed to air EVER. I would love it if my belly was such that my belly button was visible when I stood up straight and possibly even pierce-able at some point down the line assuming the texture of my belly is tolerable. I know that stretch marks are forever, but at least a flatter tummy will be something I can be proud of and feel MUCH more secure in my body. I think it would be something that would really change how I feel about myself...even more, if that's possible.

So that's the update for now. Training for a 5K this September. Hoping to get on schedule for training for that once my new tattoo heals and I can get my running shoes back on. I think it will be an amazing experience and I can't wait to have that accomplishment under my belt.

Just talked with McG for a few minutes and I feel like I have some closure. That man is the sweetest I have met. He's real and I love that.

Here's to a healthier me both physically and mentally- in a few months at the least.

XO

j