Not able to eat in the mornings.

Today, not till 2. I also had to take an extra dose of xanax because my anxiety was just out of control. I woke up late, which was not a relaxing start to begin with. Took the bus, +1 to the low stress path …. So I should still be even in the stress score. Get to work, login, work on some stuff. Low key morning. Lots of stuff to do. Sick of listening to the man who sits across from me. Irritated by the face that the raspberry yogurt I just tried to eat doesn’t want to stay down. Irritation = stress for me. What do I do? I sit here and keep working instead of getting up and taking a break. I didn’t make a good choice for myself.

At 10 after 1, I finally made myself go out and take a very brisk walk up 5^th to Union to 3^rd and north to Macy’s. I tried to focus on breathing and keeping my breath constant with my stride… just like I do when I run. Seemed to help some. I tripped on cracks in the sidewalk every so often, or almost turn my ankle stepping off curbs. I’m like WTF?? Starting to feel shitty and cranky at this point… maybe because I haven’t eaten. I wander around Macy’s and decide to leave. I walk to Nordstrom and heading up the stairs to go get soup at the café, I trip, and fall up the stairs AGAIN! This time I didn’t hurt myself, caught myself before knees hit steps… just really bruised the ego again. Feeling ridiculous and out of sorts and depressed. My internal dialogue went something like this:

“Fuck! Jesus Jen, why can’t you walk or climb stairs? Hmmm… maybe because you are hungry and need to eat something so you can maintain your balance, dumb ass.” I was not kind to myself. So I get the soup, carefully make it down three flights of escalators without incident, and walk back to work arriving intact.

Sitting here after eating said soup, I am feeling better, more balanced, less like I want to just end it all. I am also half way through a banana. I am SO frustrated with my lack of taking care of me lately. Between moving this summer and the Halloween party I just threw, I have been completely ignoring my needs. I have been going through the motions. Not able to make myself sit down and concentrate on ME. Plan meals, plan workouts, plan things like hair appointments, dental appointments, etc. I just make certain I have money in my checking account, gas in my car, coffee in my house, that I get to work, that my freelance clients are cared for, that I continue to grow and nurture Cory & my relationship to the next levels, and that I consider working on my art/portfolio/personal interests every now and then. I feel as though I have abandoned me. It’s depressing.

Living alone it was easier, but also lonelier. I have to find the balance so I am not so stressed about my needs not being met all the time. This is something I have to do.

Plan for this evening:

Catch Bus

Go Home

Take Nap

Deal With Freelance Clients

Plan Meals for Week

Plan Workouts for Week

Take care of housekeeping (bills, etc.)

Relax

Go to bed EARLY.

We’ll see how this plan goes.

BREATHING….