Derelict Blogger

Wow... over a year since I posted. How much has changed? Well, everything really.

In this past year I have run a 10K, gotten a tummy tuck, moved in with my boyfriend, bought a new car, paid off my student loans, bought a house with my boyfriend, run a 5K, and gained 20 lbs over the summer. It's been interesting.

I ran the Lake Union 10K August of 09. I got my tummy tuck in November of 09. It took a LOT out of me. I didn't realize what major surgery could do to a body. I am STILL recovering. My body looks great now and I am no longer ashamed of it. It's really freeing. After my surgery, I spent several weeks at boyfriend's house recouping and we decided moving in would be a good next step since I was spending all my time there anyway. So I moved. Spent christmas there, bought a new car in April a new Mini Cooper that I adore (it has ZEBRA STRIPES! YAY!) Then Cory and I started looking at houses and ran across one in mid May. It was a quick decision and we had a house come July. It's beautiful here and my commute is really easy. We are still getting settled in... stuff everywhere. A few weeks ago I ran another 5K after having not trained well... and I did okay... 34.31 minutes... but not great. I am again in training for my next 5K come November. In the meantime, I am also planning a monster bash for our Housewarming Halloween Party. Need to get invitations done and out to all my people.

As far as my weight loss progress goes, well I went backwards. I was too full for a long time too long and had been doing maladaptive eating for months (liquid calories were my mainstay- THERE IS A REASON YOU NEED TO AVOID LIQUID CALORIES!!). I gained 20 lbs before I realized it and now I am slowly whittling myself back down to where I was. I need to lose the 20 just to get back to where I was when I had surgery. I need to lose an additional 20 to get to my GOAL weight. The one prescribed by the doctors. I have decided that I am doing it now. No more distractions, excuses, etc. I have all the knowledge and tools I need to get to that goal. Something tells me that my body will not want to STAY at this supposed "optimum" goal weight, but I will get there and see how my body reacts. All I know is that I cannot revert to old patterns to cope with my stress if I want to stay thin and healthy. And I need to do it before I hit 35 otherwise, it gets more and more difficult to do.

I talk about it like it's a destination when it's a journey. It's a thing I will battle my whole life. Actually I don't like the way that sounds. I am not battling. I don't want to battle. This lifestyle change is something that I want to dedicate myself to for my whole life... because I am happier, more healthy, more inspired, and my most authentic self when I take care of my body. I can feel it in my aching tendons and muscles and my tired bones! (LOL-tonight was a yoga class followed by 2.5 miles of running)

I'll get to my next chapter. I am worth the effort.

Update from the slacker blogger

So last time I posted on here it was something like October or November of 08. Here we are and it's June of 09. I have had a whirlwind um..."adventure" I guess you could call it. I did end up moving back to Colorado briefly looking for work, looking for stability, looking for some solid ground in some place. I think honestly, I was looking for a band-aid. Some way to not have to deal with being alone and really accepting that we are ALL alone in this world. But right before I did that, I reconnected with Matt again and we decided to try to reconcile. He came out in March and packed me up and brought me back to Seattle. 3 weeks in or so, I realized that NOTHING had changed between us. He was still who he was, I was COMPLETELY different and needed/required different things than he was able/prepared to give me. So I decided that between that and his ex-girlfriend still being VERY much in the picture, I was unprepared to be second best EVER again. So I threw in the towel. I gave up. I moved out and said goodbye. It was my choice, but I had to do it for my sanity and for the good of all the progress I had made the year prior. He and I don't fit anymore. And I guess that's okay, but it's still sad and still hard and still really unfathomable after 17/18 years together. What the fuck?

Anyway, so in June of 09 I am still moving along towards getting to my goal weight. Well, moving along isn't really accurate- I am just hovering where I am. I want very much to keep moving, but it is slow and difficult because of the stress I experience frequently. If I DO get a fill, I often have to go in and have it removed because of the inability to keep things down. And the sucky thing is the stress comes and goes and is NOT predictable in the least. So I never know when the rollercoaster is headed into the super low dip and I'll be dragging my ass along the ground for days and days until suddenly it elevates again.

This is the beauty of the ride when one upheaves their life to the extent that I have. Who knows when "normal" will ever come back? I am hopeful that someday soon it will. In the meantime, I am at least able to maintain my weight with exercise and staying busy. Also it helps that I don't watch TV- I don't want to snack if I don't watch TV. It's a great solution and I am much more productive without the idiot box sucking up all my time.

One new development is that NWWLS is now offering abdominoplasty. I actually have an appointment next week to have a consultation for this procedure. It's something that I never thought that I would be interested in doing, but since losing so much after being overweight for SO many years, my skin will not spring back to where it should be. SO- I am thinking of the tummy tuck as a final step towards my new body. It would be nice to be able to run without the extra skin, etc. flopping around on me, it would be nice to be able to wear shirts tucked into my jeans with a belt and not have to worry about the belly roll showing up and looking terrible. Additionally, I don't think I have a memory of when my belly button actually was exposed to air EVER. I would love it if my belly was such that my belly button was visible when I stood up straight and possibly even pierce-able at some point down the line assuming the texture of my belly is tolerable. I know that stretch marks are forever, but at least a flatter tummy will be something I can be proud of and feel MUCH more secure in my body. I think it would be something that would really change how I feel about myself...even more, if that's possible.

So that's the update for now. Training for a 5K this September. Hoping to get on schedule for training for that once my new tattoo heals and I can get my running shoes back on. I think it will be an amazing experience and I can't wait to have that accomplishment under my belt.

Just talked with McG for a few minutes and I feel like I have some closure. That man is the sweetest I have met. He's real and I love that.

Here's to a healthier me both physically and mentally- in a few months at the least.

XO

j

Much overdue update

What can I say? I'm still here. Last month I celebrated my 1 year band-o-versary and am holding steady at 70 lbs down. My progress changed significantly when I got into my divorce, a new boyfriend, a lot of guilt and stress and mourning of my old life and relationship. I tend to internalize my stress or sadness or anger and it all goes to my stomach ironically. My band gets too tight for me to keep even liquids down sometimes. But I am learning how to deal with this in a healthy way as best I can.

A year out, I can certainly say it has been a challenge. I have been so lucky to have this tool to help me get to healthier places in my life. But I have to do the work- and the work never stops. Just as before I had the lap-band, I have to pay very close attention to what I put in my mouth, I have to be aware and present when I am eating to make sure I take small bites, chew well, and am EXPERIENCING eating, so that I feel full and satisfied. I have to exercise regularly-which is a habit I have picked up in running- I try to go every other day if I can. It provides a stress release, a sense of accomplishment, and a meditative quality. 

I have to learn to quell old bad behaviors-eating from boredom, stress, sadness, etc. Those old methods of coping do not go away once the lap-band has been implanted. Sadly, they aren't able to surgically remove those tendencies, those old comforting mechanisms. I struggle with this every day. I still tend to want to eat in front of the television- and the thing is if I do- I'm not present for my eating and then I continue to eat- I tune out all my body's signals that I have had enough, that I am full, that I am OVERfull, and then I end up feeling guilty and miserable and VERY uncomfortable. This is something that can be helped by eating on a regular schedule (or at least within a timeframe), journaling my food, not getting over-hungry, and by drinking enough liquids. Writing all this down, it occurs to me that I know EXACTLY what to do to kick my progress in the ass, I have just been too preoccupied or lazy or procrastinating to do it. 

I think I might be in need of a small fill. Just something to get me back on track. After my 1 year, I have to pay $125 for each fill, but considering the upcoming changes (moving) and craziness (relationship changes), it might be a while before I can get another fill. I want to really listen closely to my body the next few days and see if it really wants a fill, or if I just need to firm up my commitment to myself. (honestly, I need to do that anyway)

I am really upset that my progress has stalled in such a major way. I have gained weight instead of going down or even holding steady. Granted, it has only been 10 pounds since my lightest in July, but this is unacceptable. There is no reason I can't get to my goal. I have the drive and smarts and ability to get myself there. I just need to crack down and make it, MAKE ME- a top priority again.

So here I am. It's still me. I've grown and changed and learned and made HUGE mistakes, and I am still standing. I just stand taller and look you in the eyes these days. And I won't bat and eye about saying what I want.

This year has been a blessing, and I am grateful.

Catch Up

It's been WAY over a month since my last post. I've been busy with work and school and meeting new people and the like. 

As far as the band goes, progress has slowed significantly. I think it's mostly because of my lack of regular exercise. I was running/walking every day religiously and the weight was continuing to come off. I've been preoccupied with some things and haven't been getting that regular workout in more than twice a week (tops) for a good month now. So I've taken some steps to ensure that this lack of regular exercise doesn't continue. I need the exercise, I need the meditation that it provides, I need to continue to see progress on my weight loss journey-just so I can feel like I'm grounded in some way.

I have been having some issues with tightness in my band recently and I suddenly realized that I wasn't following one of the major rules in band-land. SMALL BITES. So I've been very diligent in making sure that I do this and things have gone much better in that arena. I'm still really tight in the morning, but I think that's to be expected.

What else? Umm...I've been continuing to struggle with what my new life is these days. Perhaps struggle is a strong word for it- acclimate might be more appropriate. Things are very different for me these days. I sometimes miss the comfort of the known and the solid, but I know that change=growth for me. And so I must go through it and do my best to be happy and extract the juice from it all.

I head to Colorado for a few days on June 13. I get to see my family for the first time since last Christmas. I was a little over a month post-op so I didn't look that different. I think they will be blown away at how I look and act and feel now. I keep trying to tell myself that actually it doesn't matter what they think and that I don't care- but somewhere inside deep- I do. I know they will be supportive, and I know that if they aren't I can tell them to fuck off and catch the next plane back to Seattle. Living away from family is both a curse and a blessing- I miss them sometimes, but am grateful they can't meddle in my life.

While I'm in Colorado, I am going with my girl Valerie to see Ani DiFranco in a very small venue in Aspen. I am SO psyched! Considering I couldn't bring myself to go to her show when she was here (SO SAD- the whole front row seats surprise- I just would have thought about Matt the whole time- it would have been too terrible for me), I am lucky and grateful to have a second chance to see her play in a small venue.

Well- having just returned from a run, I am starting to cool down to the point of getting cold. I'm going to hit the shower, get some coffee and see where the day takes me.

XO

Jenepher

Rough Time

Well, here we are kids. More changes with the changes and the changes. I am officially separated once again. It was my choice, I instigated it, but it still makes me sad, confused, upset, disoriented, guilty, etc. I will get through this. I think the hardest part for me is just knowing that I am upsetting Matt's life entirely. I did this for me. I couldn't factor him into my decisions anymore. I have been unhappy for years and years, and I have been unsure and unhappy since our reconciliation for a month. I know this sort of shit happens all the time- and usually under worse circumstances- but it only helps a little bit. 

In the world of the band, things are not great. I am getting stuck on pretty much anything solid. Yesterday, the only thing I was able to ingest was a large SFV nonfat latte, a biscotti, a few bites of fish with olives & tomatoes, about 3 chocolate graham crackers and some milk. I tried to eat stuffed mushrooms, I tried to eat the top of some pizza- nothing doing. Barfed all that shit up pretty much right away. Maybe I am just upset, maybe I am just dehydrated from going out on Friday night, maybe anything.... but it's annoying nonetheless. Most annoying is when I go out for a run, I am unable to go very long because I literally don't have the energy to keep going. Last time I went out I almost passed out at one point. I think I might have to do protein drinks today just to get by. My unfill is scheduled for tomorrow morning. I hope that helps- but doesn't mess up my weight loss progress. I have to consider that I have lost an enormous amount of weight in 4 months- WAY more and at a pace much faster than expected by anyone including me.

I think I am just afraid of going back to that old weight- that old life- that old me. There is an element of comfort in the idea of it, but I am such a whore for change and progress, that I couldn't ever go back. I dunno. Change is uncomfortable and exhilarating and hard. That is my theme apparently.

I'm heading out for some walking meditation. It's kind of crappy and cold out- but I don't care. I need my fix.

XO

Jenepher

One-der Land Baby!

Well, after a crazy few days of vacation, I stepped on the scale today and discovered I had slipped quietly into One-der Land! This is the first time since I think high school that I weigh under 200 lbs. It wasn't too hard to do this week because I have been having a hard hard time with my band. My body has switched over to not wanting to eat anything before 1 or 2 p.m. If I try to eat anything before that time, it gets stuck and comes back up. Not fun- especially if I am truly feeling hungry. But I try to supplement with plenty of coffee and water and sometimes I can get yogurt down if I feel like I'm going to lose it if I don't get something in my belly.

Spent the week running around like crazy with my best girl Valerie and her 2 yr old boy Evan. It was QUITE the workout just keeping up with Evan. He's an adorable tornado. I really enjoyed spending an extended period of time around him. It was neat to watch how he'd pick things up quickly or try to repeat what you were saying or singing. At one point we had him singing some Kanye West. (get down girl, go 'head get down)

Anyway I managed to drag my sorry ass out of bed only ONCE the whole week and go walking. It was a nice walk and it definitely smelled like Colorado- sounded like Colorado (doves cooing in the trees). 

Looking forward to getting back to my regular schedule. I'll go walking tomorrow at some point to meditate and stretch out. I'm also going to see if I can reschedule my hair appointment.

I'm exhausted and going to bed now. Take Luck!

J

Teeny-Tiny Bites

Well, still have cranky stoma. Some days are better than others though, so I'm still trying to figure it out. 

Monday was ok- some salmon dip on 2 rye krisps for breakfast, americano, latte, then some meatball soup which was ok, Dinner went ok. Husband and I went to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse for the first time. It was SUPER swanky, which translates to SUPER expensive, but the experience was well worth it. I really enjoy fine dining and trying new flavors and things I wouldn't normally try. Anyway, no getting stuck on nice expensive dinner- although I was eating very carefully and taking little bites.

Tuesday was ok too. Salmon dip on 3 rye krisp for breakfast, americano, latte, some meatloaf for lunch which got stuck- so I had a protein drink on hand. Got stuck on smoked almonds much later on in the afternoon-but not the almond m&ms that were sitting out. It is SO frustrating that I don't get stuck on things like chips or chocolate-the things that I WANT to get stuck and have to avoid at all costs. Got home and ate some leftover steak and that went fine again. Wasn't feeling very well and went to bed early.

Today, salmon dip breakfast, latte, americano, was super busy all day and had a late lunch-meatball soup, which went down fine- and I was able to eat 1 and a half cups of it or so- which is a big portion- so I need to pay good attention to my portion sizes from here on out-if they are growing- I need a fill. Tonight, went to class and it was the last class- so it was pizza & beer night- neither of which I can ingest- so I sipped a Pellegrino orangina and nibbled on a granola bar from my bag. Got home late (10:30 or so) and was feeling ravenous. Still had some more leftover steak to eat and was upset about my day at work and was talking to Matt about it- and wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and was eating BIG bites and of course, I got stuck. But I felt like I still needed to eat because I was hungry to I just kept eating smaller and smaller bites- but it wasn't getting better.

I ended up barfing up my SUPER expensive steak, then tried to eat some pecans, NO- barfed them up too. Then I tried to eat some Raisin Bran and milk thinking- soft food- NO- barfed that up too. SO I gave up and drank a cup of coconut chai tea & milk which really soothed my cranky tummy- then was able to eat a snack cup of sugar-free tapioca pudding and keep that down. I called it a night- what a shitty dining experience.

So the lessons learned from this week are: 

PAY ATTENTION to how you are eating- really BE there and watch what you are doing.

Small, toddler-sized bites are best

CHEW and chew and chew until there is nothing that can get stuck

Regardless of the sticking issues- avoid the liquid calories at all costs. 

Soft food if you can combine it with some solid; salmon dip on krisp bread

Pay attention to your soft stop signals- this is why you must PAY ATTENTION when you eat!

Tomorrow I plan on salmon dip for breakfast- am out of meatball soup (which was an EXCELLENT recipe by the way)- so will have to try meatloaf again- TINY BITES. We'll see how it goes. Maybe if I do a little meatloaf and then a few green beans. Protein then produce. Gotta get back to the basics.

I wonder if I've lost any weight this week. Since I haven't been able to eat so well- and I've been working out- maybe I have.

Well... best get to bed. I have a long day ahead and then I have to PACK for my trip to see my GIRL!!

WOOHOO!

XO

J