Best Intentions Foiled Again

Challenging day today. I had a late start working. At 8 a.m. I started my workday shopping at Target. Picking up odds and ends for displays I have to make. I continued on to Michaels. By 10 I was on the road headed to Seattle. Got to work, unloaded the shit-ton of stuff I bought, and reloaded a shit ton of prepped displays back into my little trunk. Off I went to set up a display at a branch.

I remembered my xanax. I remembered copious amounts of coffee. I didn't remember to eat. By the time the branch display was finished it was 12:30 and I was completely ravenous. My displays sadly have a candy-land theme this season and so there was a LOT of opportunity to make some REALLY poor choices in front of me at my WEAKEST moment. I only ate a few hershey kisses. No biggie. Returned to my desk at work, got rolling on some other projects and tried to eat some tunafish and cheese on a cracker. A reasonable lapband meal. I think I got maybe .15% of it to stay down. It wasn't pretty. I tried to calm the stoma by giving it hot tea. It calmed down some. I snuck in a few more kisses. I ate a Special K protein bar. I ate another. I ate a snack pack of canned peaches.

Then suddenly it hit me. The crazies for chocolate hit me like a mack truck. I was fine for the longest time and then my level of tiredness, hunger, boredom, foreboding of the coming HTML class tonight, and my overall malaise got the best of me. Two LARGE handfuls of miscellaneous chocolates later... I feel ill. I'm pretty sure that I have met, if not exceeded my calorie intake for the day and the ironic thing is that I didn't really eat any REAL FOOD.

I have to get a handle on this. My weight is going in the wrong direction. My clothes are starting to not fit. My coats are starting to not fit. My body is starting to ache. My body is speaking very clearly and consistently to me about what it needs. It needs regular exercise- regular as in EVERY DAY. It needs more water. It needs good, whole, nutritious foods. And it needs regular and consistent rest.

I am trying to handle the emotional hoo-haa that comes with the Holidays. I am trying to get an emotional handle on what is happening at work with the upcoming merger and whether or not I will have a job at this new organization. I am trying to help my one large freelance client get her website to a place that is profitable and can be measured and more useful for her. AND I am trying to absorb as much as I can from this class I am taking. Hating that I can't seem to give it my 100% because I don't have that much to give to it. SO glad I have this book to help me, but I know there are things I am missing and pieces that don't quite make sense yet. And I'm exhausted and have a hard time keeping myself from leaving class early.

So with that large workload of STUFF on my mind and on my plate as regular everyday life, I am struggling a great deal to make sure that my personal needs are being met. How do I get so out of whack? It SURE was easier to keep myself the priority when it was just me and the cat. But I honestly can't blame my relationship for my inability to do ALL these things well. I have to admit that maybe I am taking on more than I can handle all at once.

When I was at the height of my training for my first 10K, the only other thing I had in my life was work and my emotional recovery from my divorce. And the exercise was necessary to work through the emotional stuff. One fed the other. I still had my freelance, but it wasn't all that demanding.

Now I have a man and a house and a household and freelance projects and an ongoing jobsearch and a class to make me more valuable in the marketplace. AND I'm still working on the emotional stuff, the eating stuff, the baggage I still carry around with me from my childhood and past life as a married person. No wonder I'm fucking exhausted.

Tomorrow is another day. And I can make good choices going forward. No sense in beating myself up.

INHALE
EXHALE

xo
j

Candy Candy Everywhere...

I have a really cool job. I don't always appreciate its really tedious, repetitive, irritating and irrational components/management, but I'd say over all, I am quite a lucky girl to get paid for what I do. (wish it was more $, but who doesn't wish that?) The issue is that while I have this cool job, ocassionally it's a detriment to my own well-being. Allow me to to illustrate;

I am a graphic designer for a financial institution and I am responsible for all the visual communications that go out for my organization. I create brochures and posters and billboards and web graphics and microsites and animations. Among my many other tasks, I am also tasked with creating point of sale displays for our branches. This holiday season I was tasked with doing a holiday spin on promoting Visa credit cards...JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER HOLIDAY SEASON PRIOR TO THIS FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS.

So I decided to shake things up a little and go CRAZY with the concept of promoting holiday shopping. I decided to do a Candy-Land themed display with giant "tree" cones with hundreds of pieces of colorful candy glued on them for ornaments. I found giant lollipops, monstrous tubes of taffy and bubble gum, great bins of gumdrops and non-pariel mints & chocolates, I picked up several bags of colorfully wrapped hershey kisses of all kinds. My criteria was, if it looked colorful and would reveal the ethereal child-like wonderland of a display I was going for, I put it in the cart.

After really going crazy with all the candy (over $200 of candy) I hauled my treasures back to the office. I got out the hot glue gun and proceeded to decorate myself silly. And so I did. The trees look amazing, the giant plastic credit cards are glued up on them at an angle, there's garland and sparkly stuff all over the pedestals and tops of the trees, there's giant jars and bowls and cups and glasses FILLED with all the beautiful candy. Willy Wonka would TOTALLY want me working for him.

So now that I am SURROUNDED by candy, I have to wait until I actually go out and install the displays next week. My issue is, the chocolate. I don't have a problem leaving all the other sugary fruity candies alone, but if there is chocolate and I can see it, it wants in my mouth. Over the past several days that this project has been going on, I have done alright... I take a handful of whatever flavor kisses I want and put them in my little green 4 oz bowl and I nibble on them. I haven't polished off a whole bag or anything. But it's stressful to be surrounded by all this "booty".

(I have to point out the obvious (or not SO obvious) irony of the booty. I mean, I eat the chocolate/ candy surrounding me and my ass gets bigger... it's a brilliant connection, no?)

I have plenty of healthy options around me. I have tunafish in my bottom drawer along with oatmeal packets, rye-krisp crackers, little cups of canned fruit, zingy-flavored almonds, coffee and sugarfree mocha making mix. I am prepared for such an emergency when I am surrounded sugary fattening treats and I am trying to keep it together. And it helps some.

But it doesn't keep the chocolate quiet. It's like a drumbeat from a jungle tribe of cannibals on the other side of the deserted island I'm stuck on. I know they are there, I know they are eventually coming for me, and I know that over all, they likely mean me harm.

I guess the upside is that I have power over my choices. I can choose to put in ear phones, crank up the volume on my ipod and drown out the beat of the little demons of deliciousness. The upside is that hershey kisses won't chase me with little spears, and I won't end up with my head on a stake, at least not at the hand of tiny pieces of colorfully wrapped chocolates.

____________________________________________________

Post-Turkey Day Update

Turkey day was calorically uneventful. We didn't cook. We went out to Black Angus. Altho I did start the day with a piece of pumpkin pie for breakfast (which makes an EXCELLENT breakfast, by the way), I had a lot of coffee, a little shot of baileys in one of the cups, I ate some taco innards on tortilla chips, and a few animal crackers. I had a martini in the afternoon. Then at dinner I had four grilled garlic shrimp on wild rice, and a bowl of baked potato soup. I ended the day with another piece of pie. I doubt I stayed under my 1200 calories, but I didn't go crazy over the top either. Tonight I have another opportunity to do so, assuming my band behaves itself. Right now, it's arguing with me about the cracker I just ate. We shall see.

Scrambled Eggs, Bacon & Pudding???

Well, I started the morning out feeling pretty good besides being tired. Got some coffee in me and drove to work. My girl Valerie called and we chatted for a good 45 mins while I drove. I got into work and realized I was terribly, ravenously hungry. I went next door and got a serving of scrambled eggs and 3 pieces of bacon. Not a bad breakfast. Historically, I have had issues with scrambled eggs, but in my past several encounters with the egg, we have gotten along just fine. There were no skirmishes in the stoma. There was no bickering among the digestive parts and the egg.

Today was a different story. And I tried REALLY hard to ensure that all parties remained calm and collected. I ate with my tiny Barbie fork. I chewed excessively and swallowed slowly. I even had hot tea standing by in case some trouble broke out. Well, apparently the egg was in a mood this morning because my system fought back with a vengeance. Stomach instructed: "EVERYBODY OUT!" Even the hot tea- the peacemaker.

It was an unfortunate event that occurred during what was supposed to be a nourishing and protein-giving, hunger-satisfying little mini meal.

After the smoke had cleared and several cups of hot tea were sent in for damage control, I resorted to sugar-free pudding. Apparently, the breakfast of Champions. And boy, do I feel like a Champion. Ugh.

The End

Credits: I'd like to thank the lapband, stress, very little sleep, stretching myself too thin on a daily basis, hormones, and of course eggs- without whom this whole saga would not be possible...(unless it was bread)

Author's note: I am currently enjoying my three hour old bacon and finding that my stomach has decided to make peace with the pork. Good Stomach, GOOD.

Maintenance

I have been reading a book called "When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies". It's about overcoming overeating and realizing that you can live a life without using food as a drug. I just read the chapter about how we associate shame and intimacy with food. Like some women don't like to eat in front of people because of fear of judgment... or it feels like you are letting people in on some very personal part of self-care for you. We food addicts associate our feedings with the kindest, most comforting thing we can do for ourselves...it's love in the form of nourishment. I have experienced that shame. I didn't eat in front of people for a long time... still don't like to really-at least people I don't know. And when I feed myself for comfort I am VERY self-conscious about who sees or realizes what I'm doing... as if I am doing something illicit and bad. When I want to veg out and eat even a healthy snack... I want to do it alone in the bedroom...I won't get what I need out of the experience if I do it in front of people. It's a weird thing.

I read last night about women who decide they are never dieting again and they let themselves eat whatever they want to. They are SUPPOSED to FILL their cupboards with foods that they love and seek out and rely on to get by. ANYTHING THEY WANT. It is SUCH a scary concept. Scary because if I were to do that, I might gain all my weight back. I might eat till I burst. Which isn't true with my lapband-obviously... but still the idea that NO food is illegal- even icecream- even cheetos- even fried things... it would be hard to feel THAT out of control.... to be surrounded by foods that I want all the time.

The point to living this way is for the foods to become commonplace and no longer a special ocassion item. To make these items so commonplace that you stop looking for them. That you stop yearning for them, and pay attention to what your body wants. Because you will start wanting real food...you will yearn for a salad and a lean cut of chicken. Even with all that booty around. It will no longer hold any power over you. I am afraid to conduct this experiment, yet I am oddly entranced by it.

I have to get ready for work now. I blogged instead of getting on my elliptical. Guess I'll be doing it when I get home tonight. GAH! The GUILT!

This Morning’s FREAKOUT

I got to sleep at 11 last night, woke up at 6, that’s a decent amount of sleep. I got plenty of exercise yesterday although I didn’t eat very well (read: I didn’t eat enough until WAY too late in the day- to the point where I couldn’t function-not necessarily junk eating). So today, I get here (TO WORK) feeling awake enough, start working on studying XHTML & CSS some more and I just keep trying to fall asleep. I had my coffee. I had my second coffee. I had a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of nonfat yogurt. I kept dozing. I wanted to go home and sleep. I didn’t want to be here. I decided that eating something would help. (WHY would that HELP??? THAT NEVER HELPS!!!-NOT IN THE LONG RUN) I chose a package of mini-cookies from the “vending machine of death” and proceeded to snarf those down and that elevated me somewhat… but was a really temporary high. So I decided that I needed to eat the hershey’s kisses over there on my coworker’s desk. I think I ate about 15 because my stomach is not happy with me.

So this whole thing is one-part confessional, and one part strange out-of-body experience. Because I was AWARE the whole time I was doing this. I was MINDFUL of the poor choices I just made. I watched curiously as I popped piece after piece of chocolate into my mouth… trying to accomplish some sort of magical transition-I watched to see what happened. I was DESPARATE for some sort of way to pump myself up to the functioning level, at whatever the cost. It sort of worked… but now I am angry, sad, guilt-ridden, and still tired. Ahhh… the vicious circle of addiction! YAY!

I can’t just go home every time I feel this way… I might be “out sick” for weeks if I chose that path- not an option. I am taking my anti-depression meds on-time each day, I am taking my anti-anxiety meds on time each day. I am still not right. There is something going on really deep inside me. I wonder if it’s the weather change that is depressing me. I wonder if it’s just the stress of my situation that is depressing me (Cory was laid off…same story as many in the country---but a little bit of my history repeating in that I am the sole breadwinner for the household again-I NEVER wanted to be in this place again EVER). DUH---I wonder why I can’t keep to my commitment to keep away from my drugs. Example:

Last night- I didn’t feel like cooking, but was really hungry. Cory went to the store to pick up a few things and the SECOND I knew he was out the door, I was searching for the leftover Halloween candy. I didn’t over-do it thankfully- two snack kit-kats, two mini snack boxes of junior mints, but as soon as I had my fix I was able to wind down a little bit. Prior to the Halloween candy, I thought about making myself a drink. (It would have been a better choice calorically- 140 calories for a vodka-cran verses over 200 calories for the candy) But along with having a drink to “wind down” comes the stigma of alcoholism and in the end I’m just trading one drug (food) for another (vodka)…instead of killing the issue at the root.

The root is stress. The root is anxiety and fatigue. The root is a thick one that has grown deeply into every piece of me… and it’s insidious. My current methods are not working. I don’t know what to do really.

Not able to eat in the mornings.

Today, not till 2. I also had to take an extra dose of xanax because my anxiety was just out of control. I woke up late, which was not a relaxing start to begin with. Took the bus, +1 to the low stress path …. So I should still be even in the stress score. Get to work, login, work on some stuff. Low key morning. Lots of stuff to do. Sick of listening to the man who sits across from me. Irritated by the face that the raspberry yogurt I just tried to eat doesn’t want to stay down. Irritation = stress for me. What do I do? I sit here and keep working instead of getting up and taking a break. I didn’t make a good choice for myself.

At 10 after 1, I finally made myself go out and take a very brisk walk up 5^th to Union to 3^rd and north to Macy’s. I tried to focus on breathing and keeping my breath constant with my stride… just like I do when I run. Seemed to help some. I tripped on cracks in the sidewalk every so often, or almost turn my ankle stepping off curbs. I’m like WTF?? Starting to feel shitty and cranky at this point… maybe because I haven’t eaten. I wander around Macy’s and decide to leave. I walk to Nordstrom and heading up the stairs to go get soup at the café, I trip, and fall up the stairs AGAIN! This time I didn’t hurt myself, caught myself before knees hit steps… just really bruised the ego again. Feeling ridiculous and out of sorts and depressed. My internal dialogue went something like this:

“Fuck! Jesus Jen, why can’t you walk or climb stairs? Hmmm… maybe because you are hungry and need to eat something so you can maintain your balance, dumb ass.” I was not kind to myself. So I get the soup, carefully make it down three flights of escalators without incident, and walk back to work arriving intact.

Sitting here after eating said soup, I am feeling better, more balanced, less like I want to just end it all. I am also half way through a banana. I am SO frustrated with my lack of taking care of me lately. Between moving this summer and the Halloween party I just threw, I have been completely ignoring my needs. I have been going through the motions. Not able to make myself sit down and concentrate on ME. Plan meals, plan workouts, plan things like hair appointments, dental appointments, etc. I just make certain I have money in my checking account, gas in my car, coffee in my house, that I get to work, that my freelance clients are cared for, that I continue to grow and nurture Cory & my relationship to the next levels, and that I consider working on my art/portfolio/personal interests every now and then. I feel as though I have abandoned me. It’s depressing.

Living alone it was easier, but also lonelier. I have to find the balance so I am not so stressed about my needs not being met all the time. This is something I have to do.

Plan for this evening:

Catch Bus

Go Home

Take Nap

Deal With Freelance Clients

Plan Meals for Week

Plan Workouts for Week

Take care of housekeeping (bills, etc.)

Relax

Go to bed EARLY.

We’ll see how this plan goes.

BREATHING….

Good news, the monkey can't eat it.

Can't get the chips down. Worked out well. Lap-band saves the day again!