Best Intentions Foiled Again

Challenging day today. I had a late start working. At 8 a.m. I started my workday shopping at Target. Picking up odds and ends for displays I have to make. I continued on to Michaels. By 10 I was on the road headed to Seattle. Got to work, unloaded the shit-ton of stuff I bought, and reloaded a shit ton of prepped displays back into my little trunk. Off I went to set up a display at a branch.

I remembered my xanax. I remembered copious amounts of coffee. I didn't remember to eat. By the time the branch display was finished it was 12:30 and I was completely ravenous. My displays sadly have a candy-land theme this season and so there was a LOT of opportunity to make some REALLY poor choices in front of me at my WEAKEST moment. I only ate a few hershey kisses. No biggie. Returned to my desk at work, got rolling on some other projects and tried to eat some tunafish and cheese on a cracker. A reasonable lapband meal. I think I got maybe .15% of it to stay down. It wasn't pretty. I tried to calm the stoma by giving it hot tea. It calmed down some. I snuck in a few more kisses. I ate a Special K protein bar. I ate another. I ate a snack pack of canned peaches.

Then suddenly it hit me. The crazies for chocolate hit me like a mack truck. I was fine for the longest time and then my level of tiredness, hunger, boredom, foreboding of the coming HTML class tonight, and my overall malaise got the best of me. Two LARGE handfuls of miscellaneous chocolates later... I feel ill. I'm pretty sure that I have met, if not exceeded my calorie intake for the day and the ironic thing is that I didn't really eat any REAL FOOD.

I have to get a handle on this. My weight is going in the wrong direction. My clothes are starting to not fit. My coats are starting to not fit. My body is starting to ache. My body is speaking very clearly and consistently to me about what it needs. It needs regular exercise- regular as in EVERY DAY. It needs more water. It needs good, whole, nutritious foods. And it needs regular and consistent rest.

I am trying to handle the emotional hoo-haa that comes with the Holidays. I am trying to get an emotional handle on what is happening at work with the upcoming merger and whether or not I will have a job at this new organization. I am trying to help my one large freelance client get her website to a place that is profitable and can be measured and more useful for her. AND I am trying to absorb as much as I can from this class I am taking. Hating that I can't seem to give it my 100% because I don't have that much to give to it. SO glad I have this book to help me, but I know there are things I am missing and pieces that don't quite make sense yet. And I'm exhausted and have a hard time keeping myself from leaving class early.

So with that large workload of STUFF on my mind and on my plate as regular everyday life, I am struggling a great deal to make sure that my personal needs are being met. How do I get so out of whack? It SURE was easier to keep myself the priority when it was just me and the cat. But I honestly can't blame my relationship for my inability to do ALL these things well. I have to admit that maybe I am taking on more than I can handle all at once.

When I was at the height of my training for my first 10K, the only other thing I had in my life was work and my emotional recovery from my divorce. And the exercise was necessary to work through the emotional stuff. One fed the other. I still had my freelance, but it wasn't all that demanding.

Now I have a man and a house and a household and freelance projects and an ongoing jobsearch and a class to make me more valuable in the marketplace. AND I'm still working on the emotional stuff, the eating stuff, the baggage I still carry around with me from my childhood and past life as a married person. No wonder I'm fucking exhausted.

Tomorrow is another day. And I can make good choices going forward. No sense in beating myself up.

INHALE
EXHALE

xo
j