Monkey See, Monkey Eat

I was just getting a cup of tea. No cream, no sugar, just black with some splenda. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a big bag of potato chips leftover from the party.

Just up there on top of the fridge.

Looming.

I knew if I tried to ignore them, they would continue to taunt me all day. Food does that to me.

I got a tiny bowl and got out a serving. I hid the bag from sight. Hoping this will take care of the problem. No deprivation, but also no going overboard. Some comfortable middle ground.

Why do I have to eat everything I see? I saw there are a mammoth amount of m&ms in a huge jar in the living room. I better deal with those too- although I don't feel their pull near as much. What is it about the sight of food that makes me think "ooh.... I HAVE TO put that in my mouth!"

I hate that. I hate being an addict. I hate the idea that I will have to fight this fight my whole life. It seems overwhelming. I guess the goal is to replace the food with something that's a healthy high. Running helps. Having a hobby or a goal outside of weight loss helps.

The other way to look at it is the way my therapist does, she decided she is no longer going to diet. And so that's exactly what she did. And she lost 30 pounds over the course of a year. I think that says a lot about what can happen when you take food out of the spotlight- as the star of the show in your life, and put it on the shelf with the other tools humans need to live. Make YOURSELF the star of the show. Make your needs the headliner. Put the old coping mechanisms in the closet and realize that you aren't that person any longer. It's truly inspiring to me to see and hear that it can be done. That it's a place that is achievable. It's comforting.

I have to go journal the chips now.

"Break A Leg" is not an appropriate good luck wish

Well, Halloween party frenzy behind me, and the perfect storm of goodies, cakes, cookies and cocktails all around me mostly gone, I began the week with a new-found sense of optimism. I did a "clearing" of the house, banishing all the evil spirits a.k.a. JUNKFOOD from the house...taking them to work to fatten up those around me. I ran/ walked 3 miles Monday night and felt good about it. I talked to my cohabitators about some of my habits and how they might be changing (maybe spending more time alone and listening to my needs- nurturing myself in ways other than food)- and how it was not because of them, but because of my needs. I received good support. I was firmly pointed in the right direction. My path plotted. My journey continuing.

Then I went to Starbucks yesterday morning.

I didn't fall off the wagon and order 3 apple fritters and a venti breve chocolate chip frappuccino with extra whipped cream (which I would say is typically the most hazardous danger in going to Starbucks). No, I ordered a tall skinny hazelnut latte. I also ordered a grande skinny caramel latte for my boss (not an ass-kissing thing, just a reciprocal circle we are in). I got my drinks after wading through the masses of finely-coiffed women posing in impossibly high, uncomfortable shoes and huddled in their tight cliques, dodging zombie-like men and women all completely entranced by their iPhones, I pranced merrily up the stairs back to work...when I fell UP the STAIRS in the Starbucks.

I plunged knee-first onto the concrete stairs, then onto my hands and nearly my face. It felt as if time had stopped. It seemed like the happy singing of Ella Fitzgerald ceased, and the baristas suddenly quit steaming their milk, while the entire 35 people in Starbucks all stopped talking and looked at me. My back was to them, so all they saw was me splayed out on the stairs. Then, just like in the movies, everything continued as it was- music resumed, milk steaming continued, jabbering and talking again filled the air. I heard one person say, "oh my gosh, are you okay?" and I managed to mumble "yes, just a bruised ego".

My boss's drink went flying, mine was in my personal mug, sealed up, so no spillage there. The manager came to my aid, taking the empty latte cup and assuring me they'd replace the drink, and was I sure I was okay? An employee came with a mop and cleaned up the mess. All the while, I still didn't have the guts to turn and face the crowd of people. Finally I realized that my knee hurt. A LOT. Enough that I wanted to start crying like a 4 year old who has a boo-boo. Enough that while I awaited my drink replacement, I had to grip on to the railings of the stairs just to keep from falling again from shaking-as I navigated my way up the stairs slowly and out the door.

I limped the block and a half back to work and got myself back to my desk. I sat down. I rolled up my pant leg, and I saw a huge purple dent where my knee had struck the step, and a gigantic goose-egg forming up around it. A coworked fetched me some ice and I put my leg up. As I sat there, trying to breathe through the pain, I realized that if I was just bruised, or it was just a minor owee- the adrenaline would have kicked in by now, numbing the pain a little. Well, it just got worse. I tried to work and ignore it, but the shaking made it hard for me to control my mouse. I finally gave in and called boyfriend to come get me and take me to the doctor.

He came, we went, had xrays and discovered thankfully, that nothing was chipped or broken, and that I had just severely traumatized the tendon that attaches all my thigh muscles to all my lower leg muscles. The doctor said, painkillers, crutches for two days, and if it doesn't get better within that timeframe, come back. We went home, I was drugged up, slept for 3 hours, got up, ate some couscous, watched TV, fell asleep, watched more TV with boyfriend, went to bed.

So here I am. Feeling pretty good today. I graduated from the crutches this morning- that's how quickly things have healed. Now just a limp and half a painkiller to get me in a good place. Tomorrow I go back to work and I will start walking during my breaks to make sure I don't stiffen up. Hopefully, I will be able to resume my training for my next 5K next week. Till then, walking each night, or elliptical each night. Yesterday's eating went well as far as calories go... not so well as far as what i could keep down. Meds and this accident were enough to make me unusually tight.

This morning I am working from home. I have had a couple cups of coffee, I tried eating some Fiber One Cereal- which reminds me of Guinea Pig droppings- YUCK. They weren't too awful tasting, but they weren't going down either. So I drank the milk, tossed the cereal. Drinking tea now and hoping I can get this banana down. My other goal today is to make sure I don't bow to the call of the fridge. I don't have a LOT to do for work. I have laid out my newsletter and realized I don't have any of the pieces I need to work on a new mailing series we are doing next year. So I'm kind of done for the day. My plan is to keep checking my work emails, and getting up every so often to walk around so I don't stiffen up too much.

I don't know what to take from this experience other than be careful going up the stairs. There's no karmic connection, no hidden message here. Just a life happening. And I have to carry on with keeping to what's most important. I am grateful that most of the shitty food is out of the house so I am not tempted to eat it. That helps.

Okay, I have reached the blathering stage. Time to quit writing.
Back to reality... or rather, ON with reality.

J

Derelict Blogger

Wow... over a year since I posted. How much has changed? Well, everything really.

In this past year I have run a 10K, gotten a tummy tuck, moved in with my boyfriend, bought a new car, paid off my student loans, bought a house with my boyfriend, run a 5K, and gained 20 lbs over the summer. It's been interesting.

I ran the Lake Union 10K August of 09. I got my tummy tuck in November of 09. It took a LOT out of me. I didn't realize what major surgery could do to a body. I am STILL recovering. My body looks great now and I am no longer ashamed of it. It's really freeing. After my surgery, I spent several weeks at boyfriend's house recouping and we decided moving in would be a good next step since I was spending all my time there anyway. So I moved. Spent christmas there, bought a new car in April a new Mini Cooper that I adore (it has ZEBRA STRIPES! YAY!) Then Cory and I started looking at houses and ran across one in mid May. It was a quick decision and we had a house come July. It's beautiful here and my commute is really easy. We are still getting settled in... stuff everywhere. A few weeks ago I ran another 5K after having not trained well... and I did okay... 34.31 minutes... but not great. I am again in training for my next 5K come November. In the meantime, I am also planning a monster bash for our Housewarming Halloween Party. Need to get invitations done and out to all my people.

As far as my weight loss progress goes, well I went backwards. I was too full for a long time too long and had been doing maladaptive eating for months (liquid calories were my mainstay- THERE IS A REASON YOU NEED TO AVOID LIQUID CALORIES!!). I gained 20 lbs before I realized it and now I am slowly whittling myself back down to where I was. I need to lose the 20 just to get back to where I was when I had surgery. I need to lose an additional 20 to get to my GOAL weight. The one prescribed by the doctors. I have decided that I am doing it now. No more distractions, excuses, etc. I have all the knowledge and tools I need to get to that goal. Something tells me that my body will not want to STAY at this supposed "optimum" goal weight, but I will get there and see how my body reacts. All I know is that I cannot revert to old patterns to cope with my stress if I want to stay thin and healthy. And I need to do it before I hit 35 otherwise, it gets more and more difficult to do.

I talk about it like it's a destination when it's a journey. It's a thing I will battle my whole life. Actually I don't like the way that sounds. I am not battling. I don't want to battle. This lifestyle change is something that I want to dedicate myself to for my whole life... because I am happier, more healthy, more inspired, and my most authentic self when I take care of my body. I can feel it in my aching tendons and muscles and my tired bones! (LOL-tonight was a yoga class followed by 2.5 miles of running)

I'll get to my next chapter. I am worth the effort.

Update from the slacker blogger

So last time I posted on here it was something like October or November of 08. Here we are and it's June of 09. I have had a whirlwind um..."adventure" I guess you could call it. I did end up moving back to Colorado briefly looking for work, looking for stability, looking for some solid ground in some place. I think honestly, I was looking for a band-aid. Some way to not have to deal with being alone and really accepting that we are ALL alone in this world. But right before I did that, I reconnected with Matt again and we decided to try to reconcile. He came out in March and packed me up and brought me back to Seattle. 3 weeks in or so, I realized that NOTHING had changed between us. He was still who he was, I was COMPLETELY different and needed/required different things than he was able/prepared to give me. So I decided that between that and his ex-girlfriend still being VERY much in the picture, I was unprepared to be second best EVER again. So I threw in the towel. I gave up. I moved out and said goodbye. It was my choice, but I had to do it for my sanity and for the good of all the progress I had made the year prior. He and I don't fit anymore. And I guess that's okay, but it's still sad and still hard and still really unfathomable after 17/18 years together. What the fuck?

Anyway, so in June of 09 I am still moving along towards getting to my goal weight. Well, moving along isn't really accurate- I am just hovering where I am. I want very much to keep moving, but it is slow and difficult because of the stress I experience frequently. If I DO get a fill, I often have to go in and have it removed because of the inability to keep things down. And the sucky thing is the stress comes and goes and is NOT predictable in the least. So I never know when the rollercoaster is headed into the super low dip and I'll be dragging my ass along the ground for days and days until suddenly it elevates again.

This is the beauty of the ride when one upheaves their life to the extent that I have. Who knows when "normal" will ever come back? I am hopeful that someday soon it will. In the meantime, I am at least able to maintain my weight with exercise and staying busy. Also it helps that I don't watch TV- I don't want to snack if I don't watch TV. It's a great solution and I am much more productive without the idiot box sucking up all my time.

One new development is that NWWLS is now offering abdominoplasty. I actually have an appointment next week to have a consultation for this procedure. It's something that I never thought that I would be interested in doing, but since losing so much after being overweight for SO many years, my skin will not spring back to where it should be. SO- I am thinking of the tummy tuck as a final step towards my new body. It would be nice to be able to run without the extra skin, etc. flopping around on me, it would be nice to be able to wear shirts tucked into my jeans with a belt and not have to worry about the belly roll showing up and looking terrible. Additionally, I don't think I have a memory of when my belly button actually was exposed to air EVER. I would love it if my belly was such that my belly button was visible when I stood up straight and possibly even pierce-able at some point down the line assuming the texture of my belly is tolerable. I know that stretch marks are forever, but at least a flatter tummy will be something I can be proud of and feel MUCH more secure in my body. I think it would be something that would really change how I feel about myself...even more, if that's possible.

So that's the update for now. Training for a 5K this September. Hoping to get on schedule for training for that once my new tattoo heals and I can get my running shoes back on. I think it will be an amazing experience and I can't wait to have that accomplishment under my belt.

Just talked with McG for a few minutes and I feel like I have some closure. That man is the sweetest I have met. He's real and I love that.

Here's to a healthier me both physically and mentally- in a few months at the least.

XO

j

Much overdue update

What can I say? I'm still here. Last month I celebrated my 1 year band-o-versary and am holding steady at 70 lbs down. My progress changed significantly when I got into my divorce, a new boyfriend, a lot of guilt and stress and mourning of my old life and relationship. I tend to internalize my stress or sadness or anger and it all goes to my stomach ironically. My band gets too tight for me to keep even liquids down sometimes. But I am learning how to deal with this in a healthy way as best I can.

A year out, I can certainly say it has been a challenge. I have been so lucky to have this tool to help me get to healthier places in my life. But I have to do the work- and the work never stops. Just as before I had the lap-band, I have to pay very close attention to what I put in my mouth, I have to be aware and present when I am eating to make sure I take small bites, chew well, and am EXPERIENCING eating, so that I feel full and satisfied. I have to exercise regularly-which is a habit I have picked up in running- I try to go every other day if I can. It provides a stress release, a sense of accomplishment, and a meditative quality. 

I have to learn to quell old bad behaviors-eating from boredom, stress, sadness, etc. Those old methods of coping do not go away once the lap-band has been implanted. Sadly, they aren't able to surgically remove those tendencies, those old comforting mechanisms. I struggle with this every day. I still tend to want to eat in front of the television- and the thing is if I do- I'm not present for my eating and then I continue to eat- I tune out all my body's signals that I have had enough, that I am full, that I am OVERfull, and then I end up feeling guilty and miserable and VERY uncomfortable. This is something that can be helped by eating on a regular schedule (or at least within a timeframe), journaling my food, not getting over-hungry, and by drinking enough liquids. Writing all this down, it occurs to me that I know EXACTLY what to do to kick my progress in the ass, I have just been too preoccupied or lazy or procrastinating to do it. 

I think I might be in need of a small fill. Just something to get me back on track. After my 1 year, I have to pay $125 for each fill, but considering the upcoming changes (moving) and craziness (relationship changes), it might be a while before I can get another fill. I want to really listen closely to my body the next few days and see if it really wants a fill, or if I just need to firm up my commitment to myself. (honestly, I need to do that anyway)

I am really upset that my progress has stalled in such a major way. I have gained weight instead of going down or even holding steady. Granted, it has only been 10 pounds since my lightest in July, but this is unacceptable. There is no reason I can't get to my goal. I have the drive and smarts and ability to get myself there. I just need to crack down and make it, MAKE ME- a top priority again.

So here I am. It's still me. I've grown and changed and learned and made HUGE mistakes, and I am still standing. I just stand taller and look you in the eyes these days. And I won't bat and eye about saying what I want.

This year has been a blessing, and I am grateful.

Catch Up

It's been WAY over a month since my last post. I've been busy with work and school and meeting new people and the like. 

As far as the band goes, progress has slowed significantly. I think it's mostly because of my lack of regular exercise. I was running/walking every day religiously and the weight was continuing to come off. I've been preoccupied with some things and haven't been getting that regular workout in more than twice a week (tops) for a good month now. So I've taken some steps to ensure that this lack of regular exercise doesn't continue. I need the exercise, I need the meditation that it provides, I need to continue to see progress on my weight loss journey-just so I can feel like I'm grounded in some way.

I have been having some issues with tightness in my band recently and I suddenly realized that I wasn't following one of the major rules in band-land. SMALL BITES. So I've been very diligent in making sure that I do this and things have gone much better in that arena. I'm still really tight in the morning, but I think that's to be expected.

What else? Umm...I've been continuing to struggle with what my new life is these days. Perhaps struggle is a strong word for it- acclimate might be more appropriate. Things are very different for me these days. I sometimes miss the comfort of the known and the solid, but I know that change=growth for me. And so I must go through it and do my best to be happy and extract the juice from it all.

I head to Colorado for a few days on June 13. I get to see my family for the first time since last Christmas. I was a little over a month post-op so I didn't look that different. I think they will be blown away at how I look and act and feel now. I keep trying to tell myself that actually it doesn't matter what they think and that I don't care- but somewhere inside deep- I do. I know they will be supportive, and I know that if they aren't I can tell them to fuck off and catch the next plane back to Seattle. Living away from family is both a curse and a blessing- I miss them sometimes, but am grateful they can't meddle in my life.

While I'm in Colorado, I am going with my girl Valerie to see Ani DiFranco in a very small venue in Aspen. I am SO psyched! Considering I couldn't bring myself to go to her show when she was here (SO SAD- the whole front row seats surprise- I just would have thought about Matt the whole time- it would have been too terrible for me), I am lucky and grateful to have a second chance to see her play in a small venue.

Well- having just returned from a run, I am starting to cool down to the point of getting cold. I'm going to hit the shower, get some coffee and see where the day takes me.

XO

Jenepher

Rough Time

Well, here we are kids. More changes with the changes and the changes. I am officially separated once again. It was my choice, I instigated it, but it still makes me sad, confused, upset, disoriented, guilty, etc. I will get through this. I think the hardest part for me is just knowing that I am upsetting Matt's life entirely. I did this for me. I couldn't factor him into my decisions anymore. I have been unhappy for years and years, and I have been unsure and unhappy since our reconciliation for a month. I know this sort of shit happens all the time- and usually under worse circumstances- but it only helps a little bit. 

In the world of the band, things are not great. I am getting stuck on pretty much anything solid. Yesterday, the only thing I was able to ingest was a large SFV nonfat latte, a biscotti, a few bites of fish with olives & tomatoes, about 3 chocolate graham crackers and some milk. I tried to eat stuffed mushrooms, I tried to eat the top of some pizza- nothing doing. Barfed all that shit up pretty much right away. Maybe I am just upset, maybe I am just dehydrated from going out on Friday night, maybe anything.... but it's annoying nonetheless. Most annoying is when I go out for a run, I am unable to go very long because I literally don't have the energy to keep going. Last time I went out I almost passed out at one point. I think I might have to do protein drinks today just to get by. My unfill is scheduled for tomorrow morning. I hope that helps- but doesn't mess up my weight loss progress. I have to consider that I have lost an enormous amount of weight in 4 months- WAY more and at a pace much faster than expected by anyone including me.

I think I am just afraid of going back to that old weight- that old life- that old me. There is an element of comfort in the idea of it, but I am such a whore for change and progress, that I couldn't ever go back. I dunno. Change is uncomfortable and exhilarating and hard. That is my theme apparently.

I'm heading out for some walking meditation. It's kind of crappy and cold out- but I don't care. I need my fix.

XO

Jenepher