I just got home from a relatively easy going day at work. Sure, there was stress, but nothing unmanageable or over the top. I ate breakfast. I ate lunch. I didn't keep lunch down, however. So physiologically, I AM hungry... but figured I could wait it out until I got home. 1st mistake. Should have dealt with hunger.
I went to Ballard, picked up some of my favorite coffee beans, and went to browse through a consignment shop. Didn't buy anything, didn't almost buy anything... just enjoying the hunt.
Driving home was not too bad. Traffic was crap, but it was raining. I kept trying to doze off. That's not good. I needed something to wake me up and energize me. My typical go-to solution for everything: food. (in this case- going to food is not an unreasonable response, but still- I went for the wrong kind)
I walked in the door, dropped my shit and all I could think about was making some kind of concoction that would simulate buttercream frosting. Why buttercream frosting? I made someone a bday cake last weekend, had a piece and then managed to get it ALL out of my kitchen by sending it home with others. I was craving that sugar/fat kick. It was recently in my immediate environment, and I had dared to have a little. (It's the heroin addict saying "I'll only have a little".)
Usually, I am proud of my creative abilities in the kitchen. I take chances and create some yummy things when I dare to step outside the box. But tonight I was the wild-eyed mad scientist creating my monster "FrankenSnack". I created what I dare to count out as about 6 oz of buttery-goo that registers about 600 on the caloric richter scale. I was prepared to down it all.
While preparing my goo, "FUCK THIS feeling" I thought. I wanted relief. From what feeling? From being hungry, being tired, being "on" and not relaxed. Every night it is the same thing for me...I crave that comforting place to decompress and unwind. I want the easiest route to that place. Usually it is either food or alcohol. Doing it on my own is difficult and takes patience and planning and forethought. And goddamnit, I'm a 10 year old brat in my mind screaming for relief from my exhaustion and I don't WANT to think about it. I don't WANT to have to work at it. I WANT EASY. Instant gratification is the best kind apparently.
I arranged my safe eating zone- where most of my bad food choices and overeating happen- in seclusion, and made my altar all up. Bed made, fluffy pillow, laptop in front of me, delicious goo within reach. Ready to binge. I ate about two spoonfuls and then an alarm went off in my head as I started really considering the caloric bomb I was dropping on myself and the beautiful, wonderful goals which I was directly sabotaging. I was about to have my own Hiroshima event. I put the spoon down.
I logged into this blog and I began writing. As I write, I am tempted but less tempted. My will power battles my childish need for comfort. FrankenSnack is sitting there, looking at me. Taunting me. I don't need this shit. I need to go to the kitchen and dump this in the trash. Will I lick the spoon? How much damage have I already done? Going to the kitchen...
Mission accomplished. Dumped in trash. Yes, I licked the teaspoon of goo remaining on the spoon. I put the little bowl in the sink and ran hot water on it. I dumped my spoon in. I got my water glass out and filled it with icewater. I came back to my relaxation sanctuary. And now I sit writing, sipping icewater. Feeling proud of myself for being aware and stepping in to be the adult in the situation. Stopping the needy child who wants what it wants and trying to soothe it with breath and quiet.
Sitting here and listening to my body, I am hungry. I need to eat some dinner soon. I have green beans in the fridge and a warm roasted chicken is on its way with boyfriend. I will be okay until I can sit down and eat some real food. I will not keel over.
I know I have talked with my girlfriend who is also a self-proclaimed food addict about our amazing abilities to concoct these mixtures with which to commit food terrorism on ourselves. We each find it amazing that we can create something to really BAD for us to eat out of whatever we can scrounge from the fridge and pantry. Somehow, canned peas, ketchup, worchestershire sauce, cream cheese, and saltine crackers can be combined in some "relatively palatable" manner to make a snack that has the caloric content of three pounds of butter. (those ingredients are just an example more for humor than based in a realistic thing I have eaten in the past-but you get my point).
Our addictions drive us in amazing ways to get creative and find ways to get our "fix". Amazing experience, this whole being human thing. Now if only I could more easily accept all the imperfections and screwups that come with it.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
This is a tough journey- not for the wussies or the excuse-makers or the meagerly interested. I have to keep reminding myself of that. And there are no highways or interstates. It's not a process in which I can cruise onto the smooth interstate and set the cruise control until I arrive at my "destination" (a.k.a. my goal weight).
In truth this is a winding, sometimes dusty, unkempt road with washboard sections, giant muddy ruts to get stuck in if you aren't careful, and daunting, wide rivers to cross. This road is the kind that will often double back on itself like an oxbow river. Winding back and forth, three steps forward, two steps back, one giant stumble onto my ass or my face (face into a bowl of ice cream or whatever other god-awful "dessert-ish" , calorie-dense concoction I decide I can make out of what I can find at midnight), get up, dust myself off, three more steps forward...and so it goes. This month's "progress" has been more maintenance than anything else. Which I guess is saying at least SOMETHING about the attention I am paying- or not paying.
My internal optimist (who I try to hand the microphone to because she's VERY soft-spoken) says "good for you for not gaining! Maintaining is difficult and you seem to have done well this week".
My internal pessimist/ gym coach says "WHAT is YOUR problem? You have run a 10K and a 5K race in the past two years, you have been in tip-top shape and then you take a nosedive into recuperating from surgery, being in a relationship, buying a new house....blah blah blah... OH THE EXCUSES! And now look at you! You are nearly 30 pounds heavier than you were a year ago! WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF DIGNITY MAGGOT?!!" (I was channeling R. Lee Ermy there for a sec-have you seen that Geico commercial where he is the former drill sargent turned psychiatrist? HILARIOUS)
And I sit quietly at the foot of my pessimist drill sargent self, I bow my head in self-pity and shame and I say.."I don't know. I lost myself and my priorities in the business of life. I was busy being fat and happy in a wonderful relationship, I was busy buying a home and moving and working my ass off and treating myself with food-just like I always have...without even thinking about it. Before I knew it, it was October and I was having trouble getting into my jeans. Now it's February and I'm REALLY having trouble getting into my jeans"
As you know I have been "training" for a 5k that is slated to run this weekend. I use the term "training" SUPER lightly as that is how I have been dedicated to my training... SUPER lightly. I get in maybe 2 of my 5 workouts each week. I continue to be tired or feel depressed or have some other reason why I'm just not doing a workout tonight. I let myself slide. So now I am faced with a difficult challenge. I just got off the treadmill where I did a 30 minute workout but only ran maybe half of it. The total workout amounted to 2 miles and change. I am supposed to run 3.1 miles on Sunday and last time I ran, I was running an 11/12 minute mile. I think right now I am doing a 15 minute mile. My level of fitness has depleted significantly. It's embarrassing and I feel ashamed of it.
I have a choice. I can suck it up and go run as much of the race as I can and put forth my best effort, and feel the exhilaration of accomplishing something like a 5k (even if I have to maybe walk a little of it- my worst fear), and maybe be inspired to get back in line with my training, or I can choose to bow out of this race... like I did the one back in November-which was a whole other level of being ashamed.
The choice seems pretty clear to me. I'm not looking for the easy way. I am looking for the most alive way. I am looking for the way that will lead me towards feeling whole and present and aware and IN my life. I am never again looking for the way that leads me to sedate myself with food, cruise through my days in survival mode-almost in a sleeping state because I am SO unhappy and feeling SO stuck in my life that I don't know what to do.
Thinking about it, I found myself through my exercise regimen before and after my lap-band surgery. I found my voice and my courage to follow my heart, which was away from my crappy marriage, and away from my crappy unfulfilled life. Time to re-find myself, reconnect with my priorities. Me time. (balanced with We time.)
xo
j
In truth this is a winding, sometimes dusty, unkempt road with washboard sections, giant muddy ruts to get stuck in if you aren't careful, and daunting, wide rivers to cross. This road is the kind that will often double back on itself like an oxbow river. Winding back and forth, three steps forward, two steps back, one giant stumble onto my ass or my face (face into a bowl of ice cream or whatever other god-awful "dessert-ish" , calorie-dense concoction I decide I can make out of what I can find at midnight), get up, dust myself off, three more steps forward...and so it goes. This month's "progress" has been more maintenance than anything else. Which I guess is saying at least SOMETHING about the attention I am paying- or not paying.
My internal optimist (who I try to hand the microphone to because she's VERY soft-spoken) says "good for you for not gaining! Maintaining is difficult and you seem to have done well this week".
My internal pessimist/ gym coach says "WHAT is YOUR problem? You have run a 10K and a 5K race in the past two years, you have been in tip-top shape and then you take a nosedive into recuperating from surgery, being in a relationship, buying a new house....blah blah blah... OH THE EXCUSES! And now look at you! You are nearly 30 pounds heavier than you were a year ago! WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF DIGNITY MAGGOT?!!" (I was channeling R. Lee Ermy there for a sec-have you seen that Geico commercial where he is the former drill sargent turned psychiatrist? HILARIOUS)
And I sit quietly at the foot of my pessimist drill sargent self, I bow my head in self-pity and shame and I say.."I don't know. I lost myself and my priorities in the business of life. I was busy being fat and happy in a wonderful relationship, I was busy buying a home and moving and working my ass off and treating myself with food-just like I always have...without even thinking about it. Before I knew it, it was October and I was having trouble getting into my jeans. Now it's February and I'm REALLY having trouble getting into my jeans"
As you know I have been "training" for a 5k that is slated to run this weekend. I use the term "training" SUPER lightly as that is how I have been dedicated to my training... SUPER lightly. I get in maybe 2 of my 5 workouts each week. I continue to be tired or feel depressed or have some other reason why I'm just not doing a workout tonight. I let myself slide. So now I am faced with a difficult challenge. I just got off the treadmill where I did a 30 minute workout but only ran maybe half of it. The total workout amounted to 2 miles and change. I am supposed to run 3.1 miles on Sunday and last time I ran, I was running an 11/12 minute mile. I think right now I am doing a 15 minute mile. My level of fitness has depleted significantly. It's embarrassing and I feel ashamed of it.
I have a choice. I can suck it up and go run as much of the race as I can and put forth my best effort, and feel the exhilaration of accomplishing something like a 5k (even if I have to maybe walk a little of it- my worst fear), and maybe be inspired to get back in line with my training, or I can choose to bow out of this race... like I did the one back in November-which was a whole other level of being ashamed.
The choice seems pretty clear to me. I'm not looking for the easy way. I am looking for the most alive way. I am looking for the way that will lead me towards feeling whole and present and aware and IN my life. I am never again looking for the way that leads me to sedate myself with food, cruise through my days in survival mode-almost in a sleeping state because I am SO unhappy and feeling SO stuck in my life that I don't know what to do.
Thinking about it, I found myself through my exercise regimen before and after my lap-band surgery. I found my voice and my courage to follow my heart, which was away from my crappy marriage, and away from my crappy unfulfilled life. Time to re-find myself, reconnect with my priorities. Me time. (balanced with We time.)
xo
j
Friday, February 4, 2011
Week One: Return from Zombie Status
This week has been good. I have really watched my calorie intake, I have stayed on my training plan for my 5K, and I have held myself accountable when I go over my calories for the day. I have lost around 7 pounds +/-.
What am I doing? Yoga three times a week- strenuous vinyasa classes- not meditating-relaxation classes. Running 2 miles 2-3 days a week.
Staying hydrated best I can.
When I get hit with a craving- I sit with it for a minute. Look at it, examine where it came from or why it's there. I look around in my head or heart and see if I can find the underlying reason for it. It's working pretty well.
Last night, I came home really tired, but early enough to make dinner. I wanted nachos. We had leftover chicken we needed to use- so I deboned the chicken and made queso. I ate too much of it. I was not happy about that. Then come midnight I was up reading and I was suddenly ravenous. I ate some Special K cereal.
When I sit back and look at the evening- I wonder how I could have done things differently. I wanted the nacho goodness. I could have taken it easier on the queso. I could have eaten at the table instead of standing in the kitchen with everyone. I could have stopped when I realized I was overly full. I could have chosen to take a walk after said heavy-meal. Or I could have set an alarm when I was got home and had a little nap so I didn't feel so drained when eating time came.
Just examining everything helps me to maybe change my behaviors for the next time I encounter these challenges.
Tonight we are going to Benaroya to see the Scottish Arts Festival at 730- so there will be no relaxing until 9 at the earliest tonight. I am feeling stressed about this. Don't really want to go. I also took my "rest" day from training last night, so I have to workout when we get home. But the ticket has already been purchased so I sort of have to. I don't get out of here till 5:30 and its 2 now. So I have a way to go. I feel like I want an escape. I want to escape into the chocolates over on that desk. But I want to make a sane decision about this. Looking over my calorie intake for the day, I should go get a nice latte. Take a stroll. Get away from my desk and my machine.
STOP
BREATHE
REFLECT
CHOOSE
See? It does work.
xo
j
What am I doing? Yoga three times a week- strenuous vinyasa classes- not meditating-relaxation classes. Running 2 miles 2-3 days a week.
Staying hydrated best I can.
When I get hit with a craving- I sit with it for a minute. Look at it, examine where it came from or why it's there. I look around in my head or heart and see if I can find the underlying reason for it. It's working pretty well.
Last night, I came home really tired, but early enough to make dinner. I wanted nachos. We had leftover chicken we needed to use- so I deboned the chicken and made queso. I ate too much of it. I was not happy about that. Then come midnight I was up reading and I was suddenly ravenous. I ate some Special K cereal.
When I sit back and look at the evening- I wonder how I could have done things differently. I wanted the nacho goodness. I could have taken it easier on the queso. I could have eaten at the table instead of standing in the kitchen with everyone. I could have stopped when I realized I was overly full. I could have chosen to take a walk after said heavy-meal. Or I could have set an alarm when I was got home and had a little nap so I didn't feel so drained when eating time came.
Just examining everything helps me to maybe change my behaviors for the next time I encounter these challenges.
Tonight we are going to Benaroya to see the Scottish Arts Festival at 730- so there will be no relaxing until 9 at the earliest tonight. I am feeling stressed about this. Don't really want to go. I also took my "rest" day from training last night, so I have to workout when we get home. But the ticket has already been purchased so I sort of have to. I don't get out of here till 5:30 and its 2 now. So I have a way to go. I feel like I want an escape. I want to escape into the chocolates over on that desk. But I want to make a sane decision about this. Looking over my calorie intake for the day, I should go get a nice latte. Take a stroll. Get away from my desk and my machine.
STOP
BREATHE
REFLECT
CHOOSE
See? It does work.
xo
j
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
WAKING UP
Frustrated as hell.
That's where I begin my week.
I weighed in 2 lbs heavier than I did the week prior. And the week prior was cause for Defcon 2 because I was at THAT weight. Granted, I had just struggled through 2 weeks of PMS hell before I finally FINALLY got the visitor and started feeling better. I was hungry for about 3 days straight. No matter how much I ate I still felt ravenous. AND I HAVE A LAPBAND.
A month or so ago, I had a slight unfill because I was regurgitating nearly everything. I don't know if it was because I was too tight, because I was too stressed or because of hormonal changes, but it was making life miserable and I was participating in maladaptive eating...and to be honest, I really have been doing maladaptive eating for months. I have also been eating whatever I wanted, not exercising, not abiding by the no liquid calorie rules, eating crap (ie; junkfood and candy) and just basically ignoring all the principals that have given me such success with this tool.
I stopped making my health my top priority. What took its place? I don't know. I think laziness, honestly. Cory doesn't require ALL my attention. He doesn't stand in my way of making ALL the right choices and doing the work necessary to get to my goal. When I moved in with him, stopped being lonely, stopped needing to keep myself occupied so I wouldn't feel lonely, sad, overwhelmed, or bored, the desperate need to run everyday didn't continue.
The thing is, I still feel lonely, sad, overwhelmed or bored like a normal person does now and then. But I am not dealing with it the same way I did when I was single. I am turning to food instead. I have to wake myself up and remind myself what I want and what my priorities are. If I don't, if I stay asleep, I'll wake up one day and will have gained all my weight back and then some. This thought TERRIFIES me.
I need to wake up and STAY AWAKE. I felt alive when I was single. Where did my aliveness go? Am I finding that my relationship isn't feeding me or nurturing me the way I want? It's the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. And I feel really happy in it. Am I finding that my job isn't giving me what I need? Well DUH- but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and my skill set is growing, so I know I will be able to control that element when the time comes. Am I feeling discontented because of the lack of change? Because my life has been ALL about change these past many years. Do I thrive on that stress? What is it that I get out of it? Do I get off on playing the victim? I don't think I do.
I am feeling needy most of the time. Time to take stock and look at what parts of my life are empty. If I address these holes, I think I will find that I am less hungry, less depressed and less stuck in discontent. Time to dig back in and do some of this work.
I was going to end this post here, but I just had an epiphany. I got back into a relationship and I totally bailed on myself and my self-care rituals. I don't go get pedicures anymore, I haven't set up my art studio/ girl den so I can actually use it for escape and sanctuary, I haven't been exercising, I haven't been eating right. I have let my relationship and my sleepy "fat and happy" attitude make me lackadaisical in my priorities. I have been so used to my UNHAPPINESS putting me into a sleepy survival mode trance. I didn't even CONSIDER that happiness could put me there too!
WAKING UP NOW. Trance broken. Girl alive and aware. Let's get on with the happy-and stay present for all of it.
That's where I begin my week.
I weighed in 2 lbs heavier than I did the week prior. And the week prior was cause for Defcon 2 because I was at THAT weight. Granted, I had just struggled through 2 weeks of PMS hell before I finally FINALLY got the visitor and started feeling better. I was hungry for about 3 days straight. No matter how much I ate I still felt ravenous. AND I HAVE A LAPBAND.
A month or so ago, I had a slight unfill because I was regurgitating nearly everything. I don't know if it was because I was too tight, because I was too stressed or because of hormonal changes, but it was making life miserable and I was participating in maladaptive eating...and to be honest, I really have been doing maladaptive eating for months. I have also been eating whatever I wanted, not exercising, not abiding by the no liquid calorie rules, eating crap (ie; junkfood and candy) and just basically ignoring all the principals that have given me such success with this tool.
I stopped making my health my top priority. What took its place? I don't know. I think laziness, honestly. Cory doesn't require ALL my attention. He doesn't stand in my way of making ALL the right choices and doing the work necessary to get to my goal. When I moved in with him, stopped being lonely, stopped needing to keep myself occupied so I wouldn't feel lonely, sad, overwhelmed, or bored, the desperate need to run everyday didn't continue.
The thing is, I still feel lonely, sad, overwhelmed or bored like a normal person does now and then. But I am not dealing with it the same way I did when I was single. I am turning to food instead. I have to wake myself up and remind myself what I want and what my priorities are. If I don't, if I stay asleep, I'll wake up one day and will have gained all my weight back and then some. This thought TERRIFIES me.
I need to wake up and STAY AWAKE. I felt alive when I was single. Where did my aliveness go? Am I finding that my relationship isn't feeding me or nurturing me the way I want? It's the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. And I feel really happy in it. Am I finding that my job isn't giving me what I need? Well DUH- but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and my skill set is growing, so I know I will be able to control that element when the time comes. Am I feeling discontented because of the lack of change? Because my life has been ALL about change these past many years. Do I thrive on that stress? What is it that I get out of it? Do I get off on playing the victim? I don't think I do.
I am feeling needy most of the time. Time to take stock and look at what parts of my life are empty. If I address these holes, I think I will find that I am less hungry, less depressed and less stuck in discontent. Time to dig back in and do some of this work.
I was going to end this post here, but I just had an epiphany. I got back into a relationship and I totally bailed on myself and my self-care rituals. I don't go get pedicures anymore, I haven't set up my art studio/ girl den so I can actually use it for escape and sanctuary, I haven't been exercising, I haven't been eating right. I have let my relationship and my sleepy "fat and happy" attitude make me lackadaisical in my priorities. I have been so used to my UNHAPPINESS putting me into a sleepy survival mode trance. I didn't even CONSIDER that happiness could put me there too!
WAKING UP NOW. Trance broken. Girl alive and aware. Let's get on with the happy-and stay present for all of it.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
PBing is EXHAUSTING...
This week has been pretty good as far as sticking to my eating and staying in my calorie range, AND doing it the way I'm supposed to... drinking no sooner than 30 mins after a meal, protein and produce exclusively for main meals, lots of drinking no calorie beverages, and getting exercise in EVERY day.
Today I had apple & peanut butter for breakfast. It took a while to eat, but I did get it all down. I also had some yogurt this morning. A few cups of tea, some crystal light. Last night I made some really delicious scallops for dinner...garlic, herbs de provence, butter and white wine. They are the tiny bay scallops, so they were already perfectly "me" bite sized. I think I waited too long to eat because I wanted to SNARF that food down. I paid the price for it too. Let's just say I didn't get to keep my lunch down. I think I kept a little down, but it's hard to be sure. Last night I had problems with the last bite of steamed broccoli I had. It caused me to lose all my veggies. I NEED THOSE THINGS DAMMIT! So I had some warm hot chocolate and assumed the "I'm not going to throw anything else up" stance. (which requires I slouch WAY down in my chair almost to the point of lying down, and breathing slowly to try to get the food to dislodge and go on its merry way to my stomach)
Don't know why I am tight today. I am tired for sure. Maybe that's all it takes- get tired enough and my system gets altered /inflamed. I am stressed a little bit about two of my coworkers leaving in the span of 2 weeks. They found better adventures. The stress there is made up of excitement for them and their new lives, a sense of impending doom as attrition keeps us from hiring replacements for them, and the redistribution of work that will have to happen as a result. And WE ARE AT CAPACITY! But I can only do what I can do. No sense in stressing it.
I am really on high-alert internally to make sure I stay WITH myself regarding food. I have rededicated to training for another 5K and I went for my first run last night since maybe October. It's NOT pretty. I am SO out of shape. I used to be able to knock out 3 miles like it was nothing, but I had to run/walk 1.5 miles last night and today I am FEELING it. I feel ashamed for letting myself slip on this. I feel horrified that I have taken a 30 lb step backward in my progress. Realizing that THIS is my reality, not the la-la-land that I have been living in over the holidays is a shock to my ego and my system I think. Hence the high-alert.
So after PBing last night, and PBing not 20 minutes ago, I realize that it is EXHAUSTING having to do that with my food. I mean I am literally WORN out after I regurgitate. Part of it is trying to feed my body and not being able to... and part of it is just the terrible stress that it creates for me internally. Everytime I PB, I am not achieving my goals to get on track.
I think once I get back into my groove and working out and regulating my food intake goes back to being "just the way I roll", I will feel more relaxed, more trusting of myself, and more in control of myself.
INHALE
EXHALE
This is all I can do now. Stay with the breath.
xo
j
Today I had apple & peanut butter for breakfast. It took a while to eat, but I did get it all down. I also had some yogurt this morning. A few cups of tea, some crystal light. Last night I made some really delicious scallops for dinner...garlic, herbs de provence, butter and white wine. They are the tiny bay scallops, so they were already perfectly "me" bite sized. I think I waited too long to eat because I wanted to SNARF that food down. I paid the price for it too. Let's just say I didn't get to keep my lunch down. I think I kept a little down, but it's hard to be sure. Last night I had problems with the last bite of steamed broccoli I had. It caused me to lose all my veggies. I NEED THOSE THINGS DAMMIT! So I had some warm hot chocolate and assumed the "I'm not going to throw anything else up" stance. (which requires I slouch WAY down in my chair almost to the point of lying down, and breathing slowly to try to get the food to dislodge and go on its merry way to my stomach)
Don't know why I am tight today. I am tired for sure. Maybe that's all it takes- get tired enough and my system gets altered /inflamed. I am stressed a little bit about two of my coworkers leaving in the span of 2 weeks. They found better adventures. The stress there is made up of excitement for them and their new lives, a sense of impending doom as attrition keeps us from hiring replacements for them, and the redistribution of work that will have to happen as a result. And WE ARE AT CAPACITY! But I can only do what I can do. No sense in stressing it.
I am really on high-alert internally to make sure I stay WITH myself regarding food. I have rededicated to training for another 5K and I went for my first run last night since maybe October. It's NOT pretty. I am SO out of shape. I used to be able to knock out 3 miles like it was nothing, but I had to run/walk 1.5 miles last night and today I am FEELING it. I feel ashamed for letting myself slip on this. I feel horrified that I have taken a 30 lb step backward in my progress. Realizing that THIS is my reality, not the la-la-land that I have been living in over the holidays is a shock to my ego and my system I think. Hence the high-alert.
So after PBing last night, and PBing not 20 minutes ago, I realize that it is EXHAUSTING having to do that with my food. I mean I am literally WORN out after I regurgitate. Part of it is trying to feed my body and not being able to... and part of it is just the terrible stress that it creates for me internally. Everytime I PB, I am not achieving my goals to get on track.
I think once I get back into my groove and working out and regulating my food intake goes back to being "just the way I roll", I will feel more relaxed, more trusting of myself, and more in control of myself.
INHALE
EXHALE
This is all I can do now. Stay with the breath.
xo
j
Monday, December 27, 2010
My Calendar is Off...But In A Good Way
The insanity of food-a-palooza is finally over for the year. I made it through Christmas without going completely overboard...anything I ate, I sweated off in the kitchen. I basically spent most of Christmas Eve Day cooking my ass off for a 6 p.m. dinner. On Christmas Day, I spent time making Creme Brulees, then cleaning up the mess in the living room in preparation for a 4 p.m. dinner. Don't get me wrong, there were cookies and candies and wine and champagne, but nothing was overdone. So not feeling too bad about the caloric intake of the holiday.
Christmas Eve day I signed up for my next 5K which is 10 weeks away. I begin my training today. According to the lap-band rules, I should expect to be losing 1-2 lbs a week, so if I stay on track for training and eat as I am supposed to, and drink drink drink (water & low-cal liquids-I'm actually abstaining from drinking alcohol for my training), I should be down 15-20 lbs by the time the 5K rolls around. This will be a GREAT relief to me. I feel like I totally FLUSHED all my success down the toilet with this weight gain. It's really sad and disheartening. But, as I told someone before who commented on my weight gain (I WAS PISSED AS HELL, but reigned it in and said:) "Well, I know what to do and I have all the tools I need to help me get the weight off again, I'm confident in my abilities".
And I need to be confident in them because I am the one who did it before-of my own volition and under my own direction I became a runner! I trained myself for my first 10K. That's significant and it shows a great deal of dedication to my health and my goals. I'm WITH me, not abandoning me.
So I begin today with renewed confidence and drive to achieve this goal. I feel good about it not being the "New Year's Resolution bandwagon" sort of thing. It's just a re-dedication to the life-long goal I made to be healthy and happy and have a life that I want! My body hurts from inactivity, my clothing doesn't fit as well as it did- in fact, some shirts I can't get into because my arms are too big... or my bust is too big, and I have been PLAGUED with depression and aimless longing for something... It's been there all along, I had just quit going to that place. The meditation that is exercise & running. I ALWAYS feel good after a run. I ALWAYS feel that my heart is more peaceful, that my anxiety is not an unmanageable monster running my life. This is the right path for me to end/begin.
I must remember to start slowly. I wasn't running a full 3 miles instantly when I started training for my first 10K. I need to remember to be gentle and consistent. THAT will get me results and keep me from injuring myself. I think I will start going to yoga at least once or twice a week as well. It's a nice augmented exercise for me and DAMN does it make me strong!
Well, onward!
xo
j
Christmas Eve day I signed up for my next 5K which is 10 weeks away. I begin my training today. According to the lap-band rules, I should expect to be losing 1-2 lbs a week, so if I stay on track for training and eat as I am supposed to, and drink drink drink (water & low-cal liquids-I'm actually abstaining from drinking alcohol for my training), I should be down 15-20 lbs by the time the 5K rolls around. This will be a GREAT relief to me. I feel like I totally FLUSHED all my success down the toilet with this weight gain. It's really sad and disheartening. But, as I told someone before who commented on my weight gain (I WAS PISSED AS HELL, but reigned it in and said:) "Well, I know what to do and I have all the tools I need to help me get the weight off again, I'm confident in my abilities".
And I need to be confident in them because I am the one who did it before-of my own volition and under my own direction I became a runner! I trained myself for my first 10K. That's significant and it shows a great deal of dedication to my health and my goals. I'm WITH me, not abandoning me.
So I begin today with renewed confidence and drive to achieve this goal. I feel good about it not being the "New Year's Resolution bandwagon" sort of thing. It's just a re-dedication to the life-long goal I made to be healthy and happy and have a life that I want! My body hurts from inactivity, my clothing doesn't fit as well as it did- in fact, some shirts I can't get into because my arms are too big... or my bust is too big, and I have been PLAGUED with depression and aimless longing for something... It's been there all along, I had just quit going to that place. The meditation that is exercise & running. I ALWAYS feel good after a run. I ALWAYS feel that my heart is more peaceful, that my anxiety is not an unmanageable monster running my life. This is the right path for me to end/begin.
I must remember to start slowly. I wasn't running a full 3 miles instantly when I started training for my first 10K. I need to remember to be gentle and consistent. THAT will get me results and keep me from injuring myself. I think I will start going to yoga at least once or twice a week as well. It's a nice augmented exercise for me and DAMN does it make me strong!
Well, onward!
xo
j
Friday, December 24, 2010
It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Fat Pants...
...Everywhere I go...
The holidays are upon us. There are treats and candy and junkfood surrounding us from all directions. There are evil & deceptively calorically-INSANE holiday coffee drinks being sold on every corner. There's a distinct message of "oh come on- it's the holidays! You deserve a treat!" coming from every television, radio, and store window. And as you walk down the sidewalk towards Starbucks, the holiday lights twinkle and the air is brisk. And you think "It's Christmas Eve! I think I'll have an eggnog latte!" and being at least slightly health-conscious you ask for it cut with nonfat milk. It was delicious. It was satisfying. I went to log it in my calorie program and I wanted to throw it back up. 450 calories for this drink I just ingested. FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFTY. Jesus-Effing-Christ!
Damage now done, there isn't anything I can do about it. I will be eating some good food tonight some meatloaf and potatoes, maybe a little lasagna, and I will be drinking champagne. I am not going to NOT do this because of this goddamned eggnog latte. However, I CAN choose to exercise when I get home instead of jump straight into cooking. I can afford to take 30 minutes and burn some calories and give myself some meditation time.
It's very frustrating. I really love the "feel" of the holidays... the giving, friendly mood, having something to look forward to and projects (gift making/acquiring) to accomplish. But I am looking forward to the holiday season being done. It's torturous for the food addict who is trying to abstain from overeating and over-indulging and trying to maintain-let alone lose excess body weight.
Looking forward to getting back on track with my goals. I am working on learning to take better care of myself each year. This year I have discovered that if I do not pay attention and I am not mindful of my diet and exercise, I will gain weight. Plain and simple. It is NOT an option to just float through life without structuring my food intake and my exercise at all times. I need to get over this mind-block I have about it being a DRAG... being a pain in the ass... being something that "NORMAL" people don't have to do. Because it's SO not true.
Everyone who has a normal adult metabolism and a relatively sedentary job has to pay attention to these things. EVERYONE. Making myself pay attention and be mindful is a good way of caring for myself each and every day. I need to look at it like that. It's not a "have to", it's a "want to". Because I do want to take good care of me. I do want to live a long life, I do want to live in a body that is strong and lean and sexy. I do want to live in a body free of pain and ailments.
I want to do these things for myself because I deserve it. Hard to remember when you have had 5 hours of sleep, you forgot to go to the grocery store to get fruit, you got stuck in traffic on the way home, and when you finally DO get home, you don't want to do anything but stuff your face and/or go to bed.
It's a journey, and I am an imperfectly beautiful work in progress...
The holidays are upon us. There are treats and candy and junkfood surrounding us from all directions. There are evil & deceptively calorically-INSANE holiday coffee drinks being sold on every corner. There's a distinct message of "oh come on- it's the holidays! You deserve a treat!" coming from every television, radio, and store window. And as you walk down the sidewalk towards Starbucks, the holiday lights twinkle and the air is brisk. And you think "It's Christmas Eve! I think I'll have an eggnog latte!" and being at least slightly health-conscious you ask for it cut with nonfat milk. It was delicious. It was satisfying. I went to log it in my calorie program and I wanted to throw it back up. 450 calories for this drink I just ingested. FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFTY. Jesus-Effing-Christ!
Damage now done, there isn't anything I can do about it. I will be eating some good food tonight some meatloaf and potatoes, maybe a little lasagna, and I will be drinking champagne. I am not going to NOT do this because of this goddamned eggnog latte. However, I CAN choose to exercise when I get home instead of jump straight into cooking. I can afford to take 30 minutes and burn some calories and give myself some meditation time.
It's very frustrating. I really love the "feel" of the holidays... the giving, friendly mood, having something to look forward to and projects (gift making/acquiring) to accomplish. But I am looking forward to the holiday season being done. It's torturous for the food addict who is trying to abstain from overeating and over-indulging and trying to maintain-let alone lose excess body weight.
Looking forward to getting back on track with my goals. I am working on learning to take better care of myself each year. This year I have discovered that if I do not pay attention and I am not mindful of my diet and exercise, I will gain weight. Plain and simple. It is NOT an option to just float through life without structuring my food intake and my exercise at all times. I need to get over this mind-block I have about it being a DRAG... being a pain in the ass... being something that "NORMAL" people don't have to do. Because it's SO not true.
Everyone who has a normal adult metabolism and a relatively sedentary job has to pay attention to these things. EVERYONE. Making myself pay attention and be mindful is a good way of caring for myself each and every day. I need to look at it like that. It's not a "have to", it's a "want to". Because I do want to take good care of me. I do want to live a long life, I do want to live in a body that is strong and lean and sexy. I do want to live in a body free of pain and ailments.
I want to do these things for myself because I deserve it. Hard to remember when you have had 5 hours of sleep, you forgot to go to the grocery store to get fruit, you got stuck in traffic on the way home, and when you finally DO get home, you don't want to do anything but stuff your face and/or go to bed.
It's a journey, and I am an imperfectly beautiful work in progress...
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