Catch Up

It's been WAY over a month since my last post. I've been busy with work and school and meeting new people and the like. 

As far as the band goes, progress has slowed significantly. I think it's mostly because of my lack of regular exercise. I was running/walking every day religiously and the weight was continuing to come off. I've been preoccupied with some things and haven't been getting that regular workout in more than twice a week (tops) for a good month now. So I've taken some steps to ensure that this lack of regular exercise doesn't continue. I need the exercise, I need the meditation that it provides, I need to continue to see progress on my weight loss journey-just so I can feel like I'm grounded in some way.

I have been having some issues with tightness in my band recently and I suddenly realized that I wasn't following one of the major rules in band-land. SMALL BITES. So I've been very diligent in making sure that I do this and things have gone much better in that arena. I'm still really tight in the morning, but I think that's to be expected.

What else? Umm...I've been continuing to struggle with what my new life is these days. Perhaps struggle is a strong word for it- acclimate might be more appropriate. Things are very different for me these days. I sometimes miss the comfort of the known and the solid, but I know that change=growth for me. And so I must go through it and do my best to be happy and extract the juice from it all.

I head to Colorado for a few days on June 13. I get to see my family for the first time since last Christmas. I was a little over a month post-op so I didn't look that different. I think they will be blown away at how I look and act and feel now. I keep trying to tell myself that actually it doesn't matter what they think and that I don't care- but somewhere inside deep- I do. I know they will be supportive, and I know that if they aren't I can tell them to fuck off and catch the next plane back to Seattle. Living away from family is both a curse and a blessing- I miss them sometimes, but am grateful they can't meddle in my life.

While I'm in Colorado, I am going with my girl Valerie to see Ani DiFranco in a very small venue in Aspen. I am SO psyched! Considering I couldn't bring myself to go to her show when she was here (SO SAD- the whole front row seats surprise- I just would have thought about Matt the whole time- it would have been too terrible for me), I am lucky and grateful to have a second chance to see her play in a small venue.

Well- having just returned from a run, I am starting to cool down to the point of getting cold. I'm going to hit the shower, get some coffee and see where the day takes me.

XO

Jenepher

Rough Time

Well, here we are kids. More changes with the changes and the changes. I am officially separated once again. It was my choice, I instigated it, but it still makes me sad, confused, upset, disoriented, guilty, etc. I will get through this. I think the hardest part for me is just knowing that I am upsetting Matt's life entirely. I did this for me. I couldn't factor him into my decisions anymore. I have been unhappy for years and years, and I have been unsure and unhappy since our reconciliation for a month. I know this sort of shit happens all the time- and usually under worse circumstances- but it only helps a little bit. 

In the world of the band, things are not great. I am getting stuck on pretty much anything solid. Yesterday, the only thing I was able to ingest was a large SFV nonfat latte, a biscotti, a few bites of fish with olives & tomatoes, about 3 chocolate graham crackers and some milk. I tried to eat stuffed mushrooms, I tried to eat the top of some pizza- nothing doing. Barfed all that shit up pretty much right away. Maybe I am just upset, maybe I am just dehydrated from going out on Friday night, maybe anything.... but it's annoying nonetheless. Most annoying is when I go out for a run, I am unable to go very long because I literally don't have the energy to keep going. Last time I went out I almost passed out at one point. I think I might have to do protein drinks today just to get by. My unfill is scheduled for tomorrow morning. I hope that helps- but doesn't mess up my weight loss progress. I have to consider that I have lost an enormous amount of weight in 4 months- WAY more and at a pace much faster than expected by anyone including me.

I think I am just afraid of going back to that old weight- that old life- that old me. There is an element of comfort in the idea of it, but I am such a whore for change and progress, that I couldn't ever go back. I dunno. Change is uncomfortable and exhilarating and hard. That is my theme apparently.

I'm heading out for some walking meditation. It's kind of crappy and cold out- but I don't care. I need my fix.

XO

Jenepher

One-der Land Baby!

Well, after a crazy few days of vacation, I stepped on the scale today and discovered I had slipped quietly into One-der Land! This is the first time since I think high school that I weigh under 200 lbs. It wasn't too hard to do this week because I have been having a hard hard time with my band. My body has switched over to not wanting to eat anything before 1 or 2 p.m. If I try to eat anything before that time, it gets stuck and comes back up. Not fun- especially if I am truly feeling hungry. But I try to supplement with plenty of coffee and water and sometimes I can get yogurt down if I feel like I'm going to lose it if I don't get something in my belly.

Spent the week running around like crazy with my best girl Valerie and her 2 yr old boy Evan. It was QUITE the workout just keeping up with Evan. He's an adorable tornado. I really enjoyed spending an extended period of time around him. It was neat to watch how he'd pick things up quickly or try to repeat what you were saying or singing. At one point we had him singing some Kanye West. (get down girl, go 'head get down)

Anyway I managed to drag my sorry ass out of bed only ONCE the whole week and go walking. It was a nice walk and it definitely smelled like Colorado- sounded like Colorado (doves cooing in the trees). 

Looking forward to getting back to my regular schedule. I'll go walking tomorrow at some point to meditate and stretch out. I'm also going to see if I can reschedule my hair appointment.

I'm exhausted and going to bed now. Take Luck!

J

Teeny-Tiny Bites

Well, still have cranky stoma. Some days are better than others though, so I'm still trying to figure it out. 

Monday was ok- some salmon dip on 2 rye krisps for breakfast, americano, latte, then some meatball soup which was ok, Dinner went ok. Husband and I went to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse for the first time. It was SUPER swanky, which translates to SUPER expensive, but the experience was well worth it. I really enjoy fine dining and trying new flavors and things I wouldn't normally try. Anyway, no getting stuck on nice expensive dinner- although I was eating very carefully and taking little bites.

Tuesday was ok too. Salmon dip on 3 rye krisp for breakfast, americano, latte, some meatloaf for lunch which got stuck- so I had a protein drink on hand. Got stuck on smoked almonds much later on in the afternoon-but not the almond m&ms that were sitting out. It is SO frustrating that I don't get stuck on things like chips or chocolate-the things that I WANT to get stuck and have to avoid at all costs. Got home and ate some leftover steak and that went fine again. Wasn't feeling very well and went to bed early.

Today, salmon dip breakfast, latte, americano, was super busy all day and had a late lunch-meatball soup, which went down fine- and I was able to eat 1 and a half cups of it or so- which is a big portion- so I need to pay good attention to my portion sizes from here on out-if they are growing- I need a fill. Tonight, went to class and it was the last class- so it was pizza & beer night- neither of which I can ingest- so I sipped a Pellegrino orangina and nibbled on a granola bar from my bag. Got home late (10:30 or so) and was feeling ravenous. Still had some more leftover steak to eat and was upset about my day at work and was talking to Matt about it- and wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and was eating BIG bites and of course, I got stuck. But I felt like I still needed to eat because I was hungry to I just kept eating smaller and smaller bites- but it wasn't getting better.

I ended up barfing up my SUPER expensive steak, then tried to eat some pecans, NO- barfed them up too. Then I tried to eat some Raisin Bran and milk thinking- soft food- NO- barfed that up too. SO I gave up and drank a cup of coconut chai tea & milk which really soothed my cranky tummy- then was able to eat a snack cup of sugar-free tapioca pudding and keep that down. I called it a night- what a shitty dining experience.

So the lessons learned from this week are: 

PAY ATTENTION to how you are eating- really BE there and watch what you are doing.

Small, toddler-sized bites are best

CHEW and chew and chew until there is nothing that can get stuck

Regardless of the sticking issues- avoid the liquid calories at all costs. 

Soft food if you can combine it with some solid; salmon dip on krisp bread

Pay attention to your soft stop signals- this is why you must PAY ATTENTION when you eat!

Tomorrow I plan on salmon dip for breakfast- am out of meatball soup (which was an EXCELLENT recipe by the way)- so will have to try meatloaf again- TINY BITES. We'll see how it goes. Maybe if I do a little meatloaf and then a few green beans. Protein then produce. Gotta get back to the basics.

I wonder if I've lost any weight this week. Since I haven't been able to eat so well- and I've been working out- maybe I have.

Well... best get to bed. I have a long day ahead and then I have to PACK for my trip to see my GIRL!!

WOOHOO!

XO

J

Barf-o-matic

That's right, it slices, it dices, it barfs up everything you throw at it! It's the amazingly cranky, super picky, not-eating-anything-you-feed-me stoma! It's my fault really, I tried to feed it a tortilla. I figured if I grilled it and made it really crunchy I might be able to get away with it, but no fooling the cranky stoma. I barfed up what I could and tried some vegetable soup, and it didn't want that either (which is really unusual). I have given up on eating. Just drinking a latte now. Hopefully it won't want to fuss about that too.

I'm 2 days post-op from kidney stone surgery. Fun fun fun! It's been one long drugged-out day with tiny pieces of night woven into it. I'm exaggerating, it's actually been fine. I've been on vicodin regularly, but I'm in my right mind for the most part. I've just been napping a lot, and when I'm not napping, I'm working on my homework or my portfolio pieces. So far so good.

Eating has been uneventful till today. Yesterday was apple & peanut butter- got stuck, couldn't eat it, then ate a few grapes- those went ok, ate some soup, crackers. No big whoop. This morning at 7 I was ravenously hungry, I had some yogurt with raisin bran mixed in, and usually, I do fine with that- it's got lots of fiber so it keeps me satisfied- but I got distracted by my email and it sat for too long- it turned into a big lump of cement in my bowl. I had to toss it out. I started feeling crappy again and went back to bed at 8:30 or so.

One sucky thing about this recovery period is not being able to go on my walks. It really is uncomfortable to walk with this stent in. I think I get to take it out tomorrow. I wish I could take it out now now now! It doesn't hurt, but is uncomfortable and makes me feel like I have to pee all the time. That's no fun.

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to post something so I could bitch- at least that's how it looks to me. I'll take another whack at eating something in a few hours.  Stupid cranky stoma.

XO

Jha

KidneySaurus Rex

Okay, it's 20 after 5 in the morning, give a girl a break- I couldn't think of ONE title to put in there. I suppose it is appropriate as I am going in this morning to have surgery on a stuck kidney stone. It's been such a weird and random health event for me. Had the stone about a month ago, (THE WORST PAIN EVER IN MY LIFE) and then have been trying to pass it since then. Not so much with the passing. It seems my body finds a good looking jewel and wants to keep it. I'm feeling a little nervous, but mostly just tired. Slept like shit last night. I was awake every 2 hours or so. I think I was worried about missing my alarm or something. Honestly, I think I slept better the night before my band surgery. Ironic huh?

So life with the band has been good. I broke down and got another fill after over a month being at the same place. I just wasn't feeling like I needed an adjustment.. was satisfied with small portions... BUT I started looking for food again at night. So that's a red flag that maybe things aren't as tight as they need to be. I got another .25 cc and that brings me to 6 total. (my APS holds 10) I'm doing great on my loss- down 60 pounds officially! I feel so good and so confident. It's like a whole new me. I am grateful for everything I have, but I am especially grateful to have this experience. It's been awesome.

On the barfing front, things have been busy. It seems the things my band will tolerate changes from day to day. I seem ok with broccoli again, scrambled eggs are okay as long as I chew well. Lately smoked almonds have been giving me trouble, banana was giving me trouble, noodles are a no-go, french fries are also not working, and last night I ate the top off a piece of hawaiian pizza and that got stuck almost instantly. So it's just trial and error at this point. I know to steer clear of breads and pasta and I'll wing it with everything else.

I bought two skirts this weekend- SIZE 12 baby! Ow! It's amazing. I'm able to wear standard size hosiery again, and normal tshirts (size L) from Old Navy. Last weekend, I went out dancing with the girls and I wore my jeans and a tank top with the built in shelf bra- spaghetti straps, and felt perfectly comfortable and good looking. It was like a miracle. I would NEVER have bared my arms like that before. 

I've been exercising every day now for months. It has become therapy or meditation for me. I need that time alone with my iPod and my sneakers. I need the chance to be alone, clear my head and just walk. If I am feeling especially energetic and goal-oriented, I will run. I've been running pretty frequently lately. It's good. I feel like I might need to ramp it up and get something to track my distance so I can push myself further. I try to pay attention to how many blocks I run, but I lose track and get kind of lost in the feeling of running. I can't explain. Anyway, may have to get that thing that Nike offers to go on my iPod. I'll look into it. 

Well, I best get moving for surgery. Leave here in 30 minutes.

Xo 

jen

Crazy Lap Band Chronicles

Well, I haven't been on in a while, and again, so much has changed. My husband and I were able to find some middle ground and have reconciled. Life is totally different than it was before. I feel like a new leaf has really been turned over and that there has been a power shift of some kind. I finally feel like I have some pull and some influence over where my life goes and how it is lived. It's really a good feeling. So we are back to working towards the goal of selling the house and building a life from scratch over on the Seattle-side of the sound. This weekend I painted the kitchen, Matt went to TOWN on cleaning out the terraced gardens- he did AWESOME- and we really had a productive few days. I even took Saturday for myself and stayed at the apartment doing my thing- then went out on Saturday night. It was a great weekend. I can't even remember the last time I had a great weekend when Matt was involved. I think we have made some headway.

The lapband is working great. Still satisfied with small portions, haven't had an additional fill since 1-26 (I think) and am cruising along fine. This past week the band has been SUPER tight though. It's been really hard to gauge what I can and can't tolerate. Much to my surprise I couldn't tolerate a poppy seed muffin on friday, or broccoli or scrambled eggs this weekend. I did fine with grilled porkchops cut into tiny little toddler-size bites, though. Also, just waking up in the morning, I feel tight- so having something hot to drink first thing feels really good. 

These past couple weeks have been rough as far as getting the right things to eat. I have been sick with kidney stones, have been dealing with emotional turmoil of my marriage on the rocks, and have been super busy between classes, plans with friends, etc. I'm not always making the right choices as far as food goes. I have also been falling back into medicating with food in the evenings. I am going to address this with my therapist this week. I need to find a new comforting strategy. On Friday I had a major backslide into my old crappy food behaviors. I stopped at QFC and bought just shit- I bought a small package of Pepperidge Farm raspberry shortbread cookies, I bought a small bag of cheddar corn, I bought a 3-musketeers bar, and a tube of pringles. I don't even remember why I stopped in the first place. I think it might have been to get toilet paper, actually. But I ended up buying all this shit, going home and eating a little of everything. I was SO uncomfortable- felt SO sick, and was SO disappointed in myself. I guess they never surgically removed my tendency to comfort myself with food. That behavior is still in there. I guess the best I can do is remember that it's okay to buy myself some of that food once in a while, but never more than one or two items- and I'm only allowed to eat it after I have worked out- so that my appetite is dimmed as much as possible. There has to be a way to control this. I have made SO much progress- I will not let this beat me.

These past few weeks, I haven't been bringing my lunch to work. I have been subsisting on the innards from gyros (that are too expensive and too big- I always end up tossing half of it), tomato soup from Nordstrom Cafe, or salads from Courthouse Cafe. I am also not getting breakfast as often as I should be. I had vegetable quiche from the little italian coffee shop two times this past week- and those pastry shells are just LOADED with fat and carbs. My goal is to bring SOMETHING I can pass off as breakfast every day this week. I think I can do it as my stock stands in the kitchen tonight. I have some salmon spread that I can eat on crispbreads, I have bananas, apples & peanut butter, some yogurt, and I can always whip up some oatmeal. I feel like I need to get back to the basics.

Well, other than that, life is good. I am packing up my old work clothes that are still in excellent shape and I am mailing them off to my bff Valerie. I know she can get good use of them. It will be like christmas! I am sending off something like 4 boxes. Enjoy sweet girl!

To bed with me now.

xo

jenepher