Quiet Morning & Introspection before 7 a.m.

Yesterday, I got up early and went out for a 3 mile run. It wasn't an excruciating experience. I felt good when I was done and I felt proud that I completed my workout. I also noticed that my hunger wasn't as pronounced, nor did I have as much trouble eating a healthy breakfast (a.k.a. - fruit and such didn't get stuck like it normally does at that early hour).

Since I can't run everyday, (if I did, I'd end up injuring myself- need to give the muscles time to recover) I am up early again- but at a loss as to what to do. I decided to follow up on some freelance paperwork and estimates I needed to get sent out to clients, have some coffee, and just be.

As far as the workout goes- tonight I'll be skating in training for roller derby (my camp starts this Sunday! I'M PSYCHED!...and scared I'll get my ass kicked) for at least an hour so that'll be my workout for the day. (did you know rollerskating burns an INCREDIBLE amount of calories per hour? Upwards of 500!!)

Good news- the scale tells me that my extra water weight was indeed just that and that I am down around 3 lbs less than last week's average daily weigh in. I believe it's because I can't stop drinking water! I swear I pee more than anyone I know. I realize this is good for me. Keeping it going is the goal.

So this morning's "introspection" seems more like freewriting- no real ground-breaking or even band-related things to talk about...well maybe one: Tried to eat pizza for dinner last night- that didn't work out well even though it was thin crust. (advice to the band tribe- if you are still trying to eat pizza and bread when you are really after losing weight- go get your head checked- even if you don't have trouble with bread- it's the old addage, just because you can, doesn't mean you should. I continually push this envelope and know deep down this is why I have experienced my weight loss stall!)

After suffering the consequences of choosing pizza, and exercising damage-control by drinking some hot water, I had a nice bowl of lowfat cottage cheese with some canned pears. Protein. Produce. Check.

The nice thing was, I went to bed without feeling hungry.

Well, it's getting light out. Best get on with my day. Wish I had a couple sick days to take- because I'm SICK of the bullshit at work!

Have a great healthy day tribe!

XO

Jen

p.s. REMEMBER YOU ARE WORTH ALL THE EFFORT IT TAKES!!

Showing Up

Since my last "freakout-du-jour", I have been trying to be more gentle, more loving, more aware of what my body and my mind need. I am also trying to trust the things that I become aware of.

I got on the scale this morning and it said "hey- you gained like 4 or 5 pounds since Friday- what the hell??" And I was all "what the hell??" So that wasn't a great start to the day. I am a week out from my period and so that helped to explain a bit, but it sucks because I am more hungry than I usually am-also more cranky/sensitive. Being aware. Breathing into the beautiful reality that I am imperfect. Water-weight does not a bad-girl make.

So my previous experience with awareness this weekend is funny. When faced the leftover chocolate cake brought to our weekend barbecue by a friend, I had the option of hanging onto it in case we wanted a snack later or tomorrow, or pitching it in the trash immediately. My first instinct: Hang onto it! I mean it's nearly HALF a black forest cake (which to the food addict equates somewhere up there with gold bouillon at first glance) and there are starving people on this planet and how could I waste this??

Then I thought about it some more after I left the kitchen, while I was sitting in bed with my ice water and a good book-Safe from the cake. Then it popped up- (inner monologue: there's cake out there you know...wouldn't that be good about now?) And that creepy-poltergeisty inner voice is was what triggered the decision to throw it away. Not the next morning, not the next day, THAT VERY MINUTE. And the stupid thing is, as I crammed it into the garbage can, was that I had to keep repeating the mantra "FOOD IS NOT A RARE TREASURE...THERE WILL BE MORE OPPORTUNITIES TO HAVE CAKE IN YOUR LIFE". I successfully got the lid to the trash closed and retreated once more to the bedroom brush my teeth and drink some more ice water.

I beat the cake. Fuck you, cake. I am stronger.

Today, after several weeks of tumultousness at work I finally know/ decided where I stand and what I want to craft my future to look like. While the immediate outlook is not optimum for the next 4-5 months, it's a smart decision. Regardless of the smartness of the decision, there is a part of me that is still screaming for revenge and wanting treats to quit having to feel this dread for all the changes coming up. I want to numb out. I flirted with the idea of getting a cookie for breakfast, I flirted with the idea of going and buying a GIANT mocha and whatever else chocolate I could possibly get my hands on, I flirted with the idea of buying a HUGE serving of mac n cheese for lunch and letting the cheesy goodness melt me into a trance.

But then I realized, yes, while I was hungry, I also hadn't taken my anti-anxiety meds yet for the day, and therefore I was in no condition to be making food choices in that state. I took my meds. I drank a vitamin water. I went and bought about 3 oz of protein (lemon chicken) and 1/2 C of produce (chickpea salad with olives & tomatoes). And now I sit- letting my meds do their thing- finishing my drink so I don't drink while eating, and letting the calm wash over me a little.

This is an example of being aware and hearing my needs, and then being the adult in the situation and taking care of my needs in a responsible way. Proud of myself today. Hoping to continue this success into the evening with a workout and an early bedtime.

And now for my next trick- I shall try to eat my lunch without PBing. Small bites, chew, chew, chew, Stop when I'm full. So simple and yet SO easy to overlook on a daily basis after you've been banded a while.

XO Tribe Friends!
Jen

To my lovely Band Tribe

I don't know if my responses to your comments are sent to you all, so I am going to just repost a blanket response to you all here.

Dear loving followers of my often random blathering,

Thank you for your outpouring of support and kindness today with regards to my post on Wednesday. Yes, it was a pretty low day, but I know too well after having been through a divorce and a terribly abusive childhood that I am stronger than circumstances and that this, too, shall pass.

I have a wonderful therapist and a support system I can utilize anytime I need it, so I know I am not alone. And now, you wonderful people-seemingly coming out of the woodwork, I feel I can add to my support system!

I thank you for all your warm responses and general outpouring of support! The lap-band community is really tight! I had no idea! I am so grateful to be a part of it!

Thank you again wonderful lovelies!

XO
Jen

This has very little to do with the lap band

My life is in a state of flux. The company I have been with for over 10 years is being absorbed by another company. My job and it's soundness is up in the air. I have been waiting for WEEKS to find out what's going on and the not knowing is killing me. I am, yes I know it may be shocking, a SERIOUS worrier.

I have what seems to be a promising interview with another place at the end of the week, but I am hoping I can handle to commute. All the unknowns are SO bothersome to me.

Beyond all this, I started some new antidepressant meds to add to my antidepressant meds and I was feeling much better for a few weeks. But yesterday and today I feel like I am sliding backwards. I think maybe 4 pills a day is too much and I should cut it back to three and stay there a while- see if it helps. Today life was so overwhelming that I went to work, did all I could (which isn't much because we are in such a state of flux), drank a 16 oz white breve mocha, which has like 17,000 calories in it... and I managed to get down an apple fritter with a little help from my mocha. So all-in all, I blew most of my calories before lunchtime. I took some more anxiety meds and tried to relax. Not so much. I just wanted to cry. Or sleep. Or cry myself to sleep.

So I opted to leave work an hour early and come home- and right now I am in the process of getting pretty hammered on blueberry vodka and low-cal lemondrop mixer. I want to numb out in the worst way. If the vodka doesn't work, I'll go for some pain killers. If I wasn't such a chicken and was a lot more stupid I would go for a LOT of pain killers chased with a LOT of vodka and just be done with it all.

This is not a happy place to be coming from. Cory wants to marry me. I want to marry him. We will have a furkid in a few months. There is lots to live for. I have a partner who loves me so much and takes such good care of me- but still lets me be who I am and still respects my independence. But my sadness and uncertainty doesn't really want to hear about that shit. It feels crappy NOW. It wants relief NOW.

Backing up a few steps and looking at the real situation here: I got about 4 hours of sleep last night. I am really really stressed about my work and my future. I am still trying to get my meds right. I have people who love me and care about me. I am a talented artist who just needs to find her niche. I am sitting in my backyard in the (intermittent) sunshine with my feet up and a cocktail in my hand. It is peaceful and lovely here. I have so many things to be grateful for.

Am I telling myself horror stories based in no fact? Yes. Am I worrying myself threadbare about things in life that I have NO control over? YES.

Maybe this is what they mean in those 12 step programs about surrendering to a higher power. I need to release the need to control (which I don't really have anyway) and hand it over to the universe. Trust that it will send me what I need when I need it. That is really hard to do. There are so many things in my life that I had to stand up and fight like hell to make happen- I didn't just sit and wait for it to come to me- and now I have a hard time releasing that M.O. I feel if I don't stand up right away, take action right away, that I will miss some grand opportunity... that I will be forgotten by the universe- that I will be passed over in the divine sense and left to fend for myself.

Okay- BLAMMO- that vodka is hitting me. I am gonna need to wrap this up soon. Otherwise I'll start going on about something inappropriate or secret that is best left buried.

On the upside- since the last post, I have lost 5 pounds- so there is that.

A vodka-soaked good evening to you all,
J
xo

Hard to Love Myself

I bought a really cute sundress today. And it doesn't fit. Not even close. I have been greasing my imagination wheels just enough to convince myself that I haven't gained THAT much, but then something like this reality hits me SMACK in the face and I am forced to keep my eyes open and look at the facts.

This is hard for me to share.

I was at 190 lbs. in November of 2009 before I had abdominoplasty. Then I had surgery and it took a LONG time to recover. I never got back to that level of athleticism that I was at. And I changed my lifestyle completely from what it was when I moved in with my Sig other. Since then, my weight loss journey and goals have taken a back seat to my life's drama, my depression, my frustration, and I fell swiftly back into medicating with food. My athletic endeavors shrunk to almost none. The reality today is that I am at 228 lbs. That's a gain of 38 lbs over the course of a year and 6 months.

How did this happen? I feel like I have failed myself. I feel like suddenly I am ill-equipped to get myself going in the right direction. Drowning in my depression and fat. No control. No life-raft.

But I stay afloat-(insert fat buoyancy joke here) and keep paddling. Hoping that the switch will flip back on and I'll return to the place I was- where losing was a priority and medicating with food was not an option, and where my depression didn't rule me so very much.

I know I have the strength to battle this out. But sometimes, you just get tired of fighting. I want to put my plate and fork down and rest in the green grass peacefully.

More to come. All I can do is keep trying.
xo
j

Powerless

In what area of my life do I feel stuck?
Where do I begin?

Work- unsatisfied, unsure of stability, feeling of hopelessness and apathy towards it. Knowing that in the end, this work means nothing and that no matter what I do today, it will not change the decisions that will be or have been made regarding my job in the new combined organization.

Scared and unsure and worried about branching out trying to find new work. Am I good enough? Will I be able to find a job that really fulfills my creative needs? Will my work mean something? Am I barking up the wrong tree regarding the direction of my work? Should I be focusing on growing my own business? Making a living from my artwork like www.PaPaYa.com ? Can I do this AND hold down a part time job? What if I fail? What if someone sees how insecure I am and how scared I am of the unknown? How will they judge me?

Home- I don’t like my living situation. I don’t like having someone living with me and my significant other. I feel intruded upon and like my privacy is severely compromised. In this environment I feel depressed and powerless to make any changes I want to. I am not creating. I am not playing music loudly. I am not singing. I am not excited about cooking. I am not excited about my weight loss or my journey for a more athletic self. I am falling back into my old comfort mechanisms because of how unhappy and uncomfortable and how powerless I feel in my daily life. I am not living fully as I was when I was living alone.

WHY?

Fear of being judged. Fear of disturbing others. Fear of being attacked AGAIN for being true to my emotional, creative and boisterous, and visually exciting nature. Fear of overstepping others’ boundaries. Fear of letting others down- that inner voice that is screaming to me: “I cannot stay here anymore- I am not living my most authentic life. I want to move back to Seattle- but I have a mortgage I agreed to pay. I made a promise to stick by this.” The thing is, I am sticking by my promises- is everyone else sticking by theirs? Did I promise too much up front? Did I promise to fully sacrifice myself to the greater good? I don’t remember doing that. What can I do about this now?

I feel trapped in this suburban life where yard work takes up the weekends. I AM NOT A LANDSCAPER OR A GARDENER. Bully for Bev who loves it, but cannot physically do it, but I don’t love it. I never have. I would rather go shopping or travel or shoot photos or paint or be engrossed in some creative project.

I posses a great deal of apathy. Don’t feel inspired to go out and run/explore in the area I live in. There is nothing exciting or interesting about the neighborhoods or the people around me. I am not inspired by my surroundings. This is a key factor. I can choose to drive to different areas and work out there. I can choose to get a personal trainer and work out with them.

I am afraid to stand up and make changes and assume that I have any power because I am worried that I will be reprimanded for making things the way I want them. What if I rearranged the kitchen? What if I got rid of half the crap in there? What if I got rid of the extra towels and such? What if I asserted myself and my needs for expressing myself visually? What if I painted the front door? What if I funk-ified the entryway? What would they do? Cast me out? Yell at me?

Family- It’s so fucked up. It always has been. My mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law. They continue to choose their comfort and I continue to choose mine. These two paths do not overlap. It is unfortunate. I feel deserted sometimes. I feel angry sometimes. I feel sad that I have to divorce them in order to maintain my basic level of comfort. I feel sad that they don’t understand and think that I am selfish and strange and dramatic. It hurts to be that misunderstood by those who are supposed to know you best & love you anyway.

I feel my only family is Cory, Valerie, Jane & Chet, my grandma, Linda- my therapist, and that’s about it.

Self- My hunger for security and okayness and joy is sometimes almost completely out of control. I am not feeding myself in the ways my heart and soul need. And I substitute with food. There is so much discomfort around my daily life and just coping and getting by- just surviving- that I have withdrawn again. I’m not even here for my life. I have let food become my security blanket again. This is self-destructive and SUCH a 180 from what I KNOW in MY HEART is good for me.

On the flip side, I am devouring books and weblogs and trying to find the answer to help me wake up from this. I am attending therapy. I am asking for help. I can at least be proud and give myself credit for that.

Hitting The Reset Button

So last weekend I went on a mini-vacation with boyfriend. We took a photography wandering trip along the Oregon coast. I ate WAY too much of WAY the wrong things. I didn't get too down on myself because I figured I'm on vacation, it's not like I do this all the time. Plus we were constantly walking and climbing rocks and hiking trails so it wasn't as if I was lying around on a chaise lounge eating gallons of ice cream.

I have returned from the trip to find my weight crept up by a few lbs. Not happy news. Not shocking, but still not happy. So I have made a decision. Since I have been constantly waffling on "getting back on track" and clearly not committed to changing my habits, I need a reset period. I need a final promise to myself that I will be changing my habits back to where they were when I was first banded. I have to mentally put myself back there.

How did I feel?
What were my top priorities?
What was I excited about?
What was I afraid were going to be roadblocks?

All these questions are things I need to dig into and examine. Which I will do. For now, while I am at work, I will think on it.

As a method of getting myself and my metabolism reset, I am resuming the liquid diet that my surgeon put me on for a week before my banding. I will do this for one -two weeks, jumpstart my weight loss (hopefully) and shrink my tummy a little so that when I go back to 3 0z protein and 1/2 c produce, I feel satisfied and that feels like a normal amount of food for me.

At that point, I will truly be able to gauge if I need a fill or not.

At least that's the master plan. We'll see how it goes.
Will keep you posted.

xo
j