Showing Up

Since my last "freakout-du-jour", I have been trying to be more gentle, more loving, more aware of what my body and my mind need. I am also trying to trust the things that I become aware of.

I got on the scale this morning and it said "hey- you gained like 4 or 5 pounds since Friday- what the hell??" And I was all "what the hell??" So that wasn't a great start to the day. I am a week out from my period and so that helped to explain a bit, but it sucks because I am more hungry than I usually am-also more cranky/sensitive. Being aware. Breathing into the beautiful reality that I am imperfect. Water-weight does not a bad-girl make.

So my previous experience with awareness this weekend is funny. When faced the leftover chocolate cake brought to our weekend barbecue by a friend, I had the option of hanging onto it in case we wanted a snack later or tomorrow, or pitching it in the trash immediately. My first instinct: Hang onto it! I mean it's nearly HALF a black forest cake (which to the food addict equates somewhere up there with gold bouillon at first glance) and there are starving people on this planet and how could I waste this??

Then I thought about it some more after I left the kitchen, while I was sitting in bed with my ice water and a good book-Safe from the cake. Then it popped up- (inner monologue: there's cake out there you know...wouldn't that be good about now?) And that creepy-poltergeisty inner voice is was what triggered the decision to throw it away. Not the next morning, not the next day, THAT VERY MINUTE. And the stupid thing is, as I crammed it into the garbage can, was that I had to keep repeating the mantra "FOOD IS NOT A RARE TREASURE...THERE WILL BE MORE OPPORTUNITIES TO HAVE CAKE IN YOUR LIFE". I successfully got the lid to the trash closed and retreated once more to the bedroom brush my teeth and drink some more ice water.

I beat the cake. Fuck you, cake. I am stronger.

Today, after several weeks of tumultousness at work I finally know/ decided where I stand and what I want to craft my future to look like. While the immediate outlook is not optimum for the next 4-5 months, it's a smart decision. Regardless of the smartness of the decision, there is a part of me that is still screaming for revenge and wanting treats to quit having to feel this dread for all the changes coming up. I want to numb out. I flirted with the idea of getting a cookie for breakfast, I flirted with the idea of going and buying a GIANT mocha and whatever else chocolate I could possibly get my hands on, I flirted with the idea of buying a HUGE serving of mac n cheese for lunch and letting the cheesy goodness melt me into a trance.

But then I realized, yes, while I was hungry, I also hadn't taken my anti-anxiety meds yet for the day, and therefore I was in no condition to be making food choices in that state. I took my meds. I drank a vitamin water. I went and bought about 3 oz of protein (lemon chicken) and 1/2 C of produce (chickpea salad with olives & tomatoes). And now I sit- letting my meds do their thing- finishing my drink so I don't drink while eating, and letting the calm wash over me a little.

This is an example of being aware and hearing my needs, and then being the adult in the situation and taking care of my needs in a responsible way. Proud of myself today. Hoping to continue this success into the evening with a workout and an early bedtime.

And now for my next trick- I shall try to eat my lunch without PBing. Small bites, chew, chew, chew, Stop when I'm full. So simple and yet SO easy to overlook on a daily basis after you've been banded a while.

XO Tribe Friends!
Jen