Much overdue update

What can I say? I'm still here. Last month I celebrated my 1 year band-o-versary and am holding steady at 70 lbs down. My progress changed significantly when I got into my divorce, a new boyfriend, a lot of guilt and stress and mourning of my old life and relationship. I tend to internalize my stress or sadness or anger and it all goes to my stomach ironically. My band gets too tight for me to keep even liquids down sometimes. But I am learning how to deal with this in a healthy way as best I can.

A year out, I can certainly say it has been a challenge. I have been so lucky to have this tool to help me get to healthier places in my life. But I have to do the work- and the work never stops. Just as before I had the lap-band, I have to pay very close attention to what I put in my mouth, I have to be aware and present when I am eating to make sure I take small bites, chew well, and am EXPERIENCING eating, so that I feel full and satisfied. I have to exercise regularly-which is a habit I have picked up in running- I try to go every other day if I can. It provides a stress release, a sense of accomplishment, and a meditative quality. 

I have to learn to quell old bad behaviors-eating from boredom, stress, sadness, etc. Those old methods of coping do not go away once the lap-band has been implanted. Sadly, they aren't able to surgically remove those tendencies, those old comforting mechanisms. I struggle with this every day. I still tend to want to eat in front of the television- and the thing is if I do- I'm not present for my eating and then I continue to eat- I tune out all my body's signals that I have had enough, that I am full, that I am OVERfull, and then I end up feeling guilty and miserable and VERY uncomfortable. This is something that can be helped by eating on a regular schedule (or at least within a timeframe), journaling my food, not getting over-hungry, and by drinking enough liquids. Writing all this down, it occurs to me that I know EXACTLY what to do to kick my progress in the ass, I have just been too preoccupied or lazy or procrastinating to do it. 

I think I might be in need of a small fill. Just something to get me back on track. After my 1 year, I have to pay $125 for each fill, but considering the upcoming changes (moving) and craziness (relationship changes), it might be a while before I can get another fill. I want to really listen closely to my body the next few days and see if it really wants a fill, or if I just need to firm up my commitment to myself. (honestly, I need to do that anyway)

I am really upset that my progress has stalled in such a major way. I have gained weight instead of going down or even holding steady. Granted, it has only been 10 pounds since my lightest in July, but this is unacceptable. There is no reason I can't get to my goal. I have the drive and smarts and ability to get myself there. I just need to crack down and make it, MAKE ME- a top priority again.

So here I am. It's still me. I've grown and changed and learned and made HUGE mistakes, and I am still standing. I just stand taller and look you in the eyes these days. And I won't bat and eye about saying what I want.

This year has been a blessing, and I am grateful.

Catch Up

It's been WAY over a month since my last post. I've been busy with work and school and meeting new people and the like. 

As far as the band goes, progress has slowed significantly. I think it's mostly because of my lack of regular exercise. I was running/walking every day religiously and the weight was continuing to come off. I've been preoccupied with some things and haven't been getting that regular workout in more than twice a week (tops) for a good month now. So I've taken some steps to ensure that this lack of regular exercise doesn't continue. I need the exercise, I need the meditation that it provides, I need to continue to see progress on my weight loss journey-just so I can feel like I'm grounded in some way.

I have been having some issues with tightness in my band recently and I suddenly realized that I wasn't following one of the major rules in band-land. SMALL BITES. So I've been very diligent in making sure that I do this and things have gone much better in that arena. I'm still really tight in the morning, but I think that's to be expected.

What else? Umm...I've been continuing to struggle with what my new life is these days. Perhaps struggle is a strong word for it- acclimate might be more appropriate. Things are very different for me these days. I sometimes miss the comfort of the known and the solid, but I know that change=growth for me. And so I must go through it and do my best to be happy and extract the juice from it all.

I head to Colorado for a few days on June 13. I get to see my family for the first time since last Christmas. I was a little over a month post-op so I didn't look that different. I think they will be blown away at how I look and act and feel now. I keep trying to tell myself that actually it doesn't matter what they think and that I don't care- but somewhere inside deep- I do. I know they will be supportive, and I know that if they aren't I can tell them to fuck off and catch the next plane back to Seattle. Living away from family is both a curse and a blessing- I miss them sometimes, but am grateful they can't meddle in my life.

While I'm in Colorado, I am going with my girl Valerie to see Ani DiFranco in a very small venue in Aspen. I am SO psyched! Considering I couldn't bring myself to go to her show when she was here (SO SAD- the whole front row seats surprise- I just would have thought about Matt the whole time- it would have been too terrible for me), I am lucky and grateful to have a second chance to see her play in a small venue.

Well- having just returned from a run, I am starting to cool down to the point of getting cold. I'm going to hit the shower, get some coffee and see where the day takes me.

XO

Jenepher

Rough Time

Well, here we are kids. More changes with the changes and the changes. I am officially separated once again. It was my choice, I instigated it, but it still makes me sad, confused, upset, disoriented, guilty, etc. I will get through this. I think the hardest part for me is just knowing that I am upsetting Matt's life entirely. I did this for me. I couldn't factor him into my decisions anymore. I have been unhappy for years and years, and I have been unsure and unhappy since our reconciliation for a month. I know this sort of shit happens all the time- and usually under worse circumstances- but it only helps a little bit. 

In the world of the band, things are not great. I am getting stuck on pretty much anything solid. Yesterday, the only thing I was able to ingest was a large SFV nonfat latte, a biscotti, a few bites of fish with olives & tomatoes, about 3 chocolate graham crackers and some milk. I tried to eat stuffed mushrooms, I tried to eat the top of some pizza- nothing doing. Barfed all that shit up pretty much right away. Maybe I am just upset, maybe I am just dehydrated from going out on Friday night, maybe anything.... but it's annoying nonetheless. Most annoying is when I go out for a run, I am unable to go very long because I literally don't have the energy to keep going. Last time I went out I almost passed out at one point. I think I might have to do protein drinks today just to get by. My unfill is scheduled for tomorrow morning. I hope that helps- but doesn't mess up my weight loss progress. I have to consider that I have lost an enormous amount of weight in 4 months- WAY more and at a pace much faster than expected by anyone including me.

I think I am just afraid of going back to that old weight- that old life- that old me. There is an element of comfort in the idea of it, but I am such a whore for change and progress, that I couldn't ever go back. I dunno. Change is uncomfortable and exhilarating and hard. That is my theme apparently.

I'm heading out for some walking meditation. It's kind of crappy and cold out- but I don't care. I need my fix.

XO

Jenepher

One-der Land Baby!

Well, after a crazy few days of vacation, I stepped on the scale today and discovered I had slipped quietly into One-der Land! This is the first time since I think high school that I weigh under 200 lbs. It wasn't too hard to do this week because I have been having a hard hard time with my band. My body has switched over to not wanting to eat anything before 1 or 2 p.m. If I try to eat anything before that time, it gets stuck and comes back up. Not fun- especially if I am truly feeling hungry. But I try to supplement with plenty of coffee and water and sometimes I can get yogurt down if I feel like I'm going to lose it if I don't get something in my belly.

Spent the week running around like crazy with my best girl Valerie and her 2 yr old boy Evan. It was QUITE the workout just keeping up with Evan. He's an adorable tornado. I really enjoyed spending an extended period of time around him. It was neat to watch how he'd pick things up quickly or try to repeat what you were saying or singing. At one point we had him singing some Kanye West. (get down girl, go 'head get down)

Anyway I managed to drag my sorry ass out of bed only ONCE the whole week and go walking. It was a nice walk and it definitely smelled like Colorado- sounded like Colorado (doves cooing in the trees). 

Looking forward to getting back to my regular schedule. I'll go walking tomorrow at some point to meditate and stretch out. I'm also going to see if I can reschedule my hair appointment.

I'm exhausted and going to bed now. Take Luck!

J

Teeny-Tiny Bites

Well, still have cranky stoma. Some days are better than others though, so I'm still trying to figure it out. 

Monday was ok- some salmon dip on 2 rye krisps for breakfast, americano, latte, then some meatball soup which was ok, Dinner went ok. Husband and I went to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse for the first time. It was SUPER swanky, which translates to SUPER expensive, but the experience was well worth it. I really enjoy fine dining and trying new flavors and things I wouldn't normally try. Anyway, no getting stuck on nice expensive dinner- although I was eating very carefully and taking little bites.

Tuesday was ok too. Salmon dip on 3 rye krisp for breakfast, americano, latte, some meatloaf for lunch which got stuck- so I had a protein drink on hand. Got stuck on smoked almonds much later on in the afternoon-but not the almond m&ms that were sitting out. It is SO frustrating that I don't get stuck on things like chips or chocolate-the things that I WANT to get stuck and have to avoid at all costs. Got home and ate some leftover steak and that went fine again. Wasn't feeling very well and went to bed early.

Today, salmon dip breakfast, latte, americano, was super busy all day and had a late lunch-meatball soup, which went down fine- and I was able to eat 1 and a half cups of it or so- which is a big portion- so I need to pay good attention to my portion sizes from here on out-if they are growing- I need a fill. Tonight, went to class and it was the last class- so it was pizza & beer night- neither of which I can ingest- so I sipped a Pellegrino orangina and nibbled on a granola bar from my bag. Got home late (10:30 or so) and was feeling ravenous. Still had some more leftover steak to eat and was upset about my day at work and was talking to Matt about it- and wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and was eating BIG bites and of course, I got stuck. But I felt like I still needed to eat because I was hungry to I just kept eating smaller and smaller bites- but it wasn't getting better.

I ended up barfing up my SUPER expensive steak, then tried to eat some pecans, NO- barfed them up too. Then I tried to eat some Raisin Bran and milk thinking- soft food- NO- barfed that up too. SO I gave up and drank a cup of coconut chai tea & milk which really soothed my cranky tummy- then was able to eat a snack cup of sugar-free tapioca pudding and keep that down. I called it a night- what a shitty dining experience.

So the lessons learned from this week are: 

PAY ATTENTION to how you are eating- really BE there and watch what you are doing.

Small, toddler-sized bites are best

CHEW and chew and chew until there is nothing that can get stuck

Regardless of the sticking issues- avoid the liquid calories at all costs. 

Soft food if you can combine it with some solid; salmon dip on krisp bread

Pay attention to your soft stop signals- this is why you must PAY ATTENTION when you eat!

Tomorrow I plan on salmon dip for breakfast- am out of meatball soup (which was an EXCELLENT recipe by the way)- so will have to try meatloaf again- TINY BITES. We'll see how it goes. Maybe if I do a little meatloaf and then a few green beans. Protein then produce. Gotta get back to the basics.

I wonder if I've lost any weight this week. Since I haven't been able to eat so well- and I've been working out- maybe I have.

Well... best get to bed. I have a long day ahead and then I have to PACK for my trip to see my GIRL!!

WOOHOO!

XO

J

Barf-o-matic

That's right, it slices, it dices, it barfs up everything you throw at it! It's the amazingly cranky, super picky, not-eating-anything-you-feed-me stoma! It's my fault really, I tried to feed it a tortilla. I figured if I grilled it and made it really crunchy I might be able to get away with it, but no fooling the cranky stoma. I barfed up what I could and tried some vegetable soup, and it didn't want that either (which is really unusual). I have given up on eating. Just drinking a latte now. Hopefully it won't want to fuss about that too.

I'm 2 days post-op from kidney stone surgery. Fun fun fun! It's been one long drugged-out day with tiny pieces of night woven into it. I'm exaggerating, it's actually been fine. I've been on vicodin regularly, but I'm in my right mind for the most part. I've just been napping a lot, and when I'm not napping, I'm working on my homework or my portfolio pieces. So far so good.

Eating has been uneventful till today. Yesterday was apple & peanut butter- got stuck, couldn't eat it, then ate a few grapes- those went ok, ate some soup, crackers. No big whoop. This morning at 7 I was ravenously hungry, I had some yogurt with raisin bran mixed in, and usually, I do fine with that- it's got lots of fiber so it keeps me satisfied- but I got distracted by my email and it sat for too long- it turned into a big lump of cement in my bowl. I had to toss it out. I started feeling crappy again and went back to bed at 8:30 or so.

One sucky thing about this recovery period is not being able to go on my walks. It really is uncomfortable to walk with this stent in. I think I get to take it out tomorrow. I wish I could take it out now now now! It doesn't hurt, but is uncomfortable and makes me feel like I have to pee all the time. That's no fun.

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to post something so I could bitch- at least that's how it looks to me. I'll take another whack at eating something in a few hours.  Stupid cranky stoma.

XO

Jha

KidneySaurus Rex

Okay, it's 20 after 5 in the morning, give a girl a break- I couldn't think of ONE title to put in there. I suppose it is appropriate as I am going in this morning to have surgery on a stuck kidney stone. It's been such a weird and random health event for me. Had the stone about a month ago, (THE WORST PAIN EVER IN MY LIFE) and then have been trying to pass it since then. Not so much with the passing. It seems my body finds a good looking jewel and wants to keep it. I'm feeling a little nervous, but mostly just tired. Slept like shit last night. I was awake every 2 hours or so. I think I was worried about missing my alarm or something. Honestly, I think I slept better the night before my band surgery. Ironic huh?

So life with the band has been good. I broke down and got another fill after over a month being at the same place. I just wasn't feeling like I needed an adjustment.. was satisfied with small portions... BUT I started looking for food again at night. So that's a red flag that maybe things aren't as tight as they need to be. I got another .25 cc and that brings me to 6 total. (my APS holds 10) I'm doing great on my loss- down 60 pounds officially! I feel so good and so confident. It's like a whole new me. I am grateful for everything I have, but I am especially grateful to have this experience. It's been awesome.

On the barfing front, things have been busy. It seems the things my band will tolerate changes from day to day. I seem ok with broccoli again, scrambled eggs are okay as long as I chew well. Lately smoked almonds have been giving me trouble, banana was giving me trouble, noodles are a no-go, french fries are also not working, and last night I ate the top off a piece of hawaiian pizza and that got stuck almost instantly. So it's just trial and error at this point. I know to steer clear of breads and pasta and I'll wing it with everything else.

I bought two skirts this weekend- SIZE 12 baby! Ow! It's amazing. I'm able to wear standard size hosiery again, and normal tshirts (size L) from Old Navy. Last weekend, I went out dancing with the girls and I wore my jeans and a tank top with the built in shelf bra- spaghetti straps, and felt perfectly comfortable and good looking. It was like a miracle. I would NEVER have bared my arms like that before. 

I've been exercising every day now for months. It has become therapy or meditation for me. I need that time alone with my iPod and my sneakers. I need the chance to be alone, clear my head and just walk. If I am feeling especially energetic and goal-oriented, I will run. I've been running pretty frequently lately. It's good. I feel like I might need to ramp it up and get something to track my distance so I can push myself further. I try to pay attention to how many blocks I run, but I lose track and get kind of lost in the feeling of running. I can't explain. Anyway, may have to get that thing that Nike offers to go on my iPod. I'll look into it. 

Well, I best get moving for surgery. Leave here in 30 minutes.

Xo 

jen