This is a tough journey- not for the wussies or the excuse-makers or the meagerly interested. I have to keep reminding myself of that. And there are no highways or interstates. It's not a process in which I can cruise onto the smooth interstate and set the cruise control until I arrive at my "destination" (a.k.a. my goal weight).

In truth this is a winding, sometimes dusty, unkempt road with washboard sections, giant muddy ruts to get stuck in if you aren't careful, and daunting, wide rivers to cross. This road is the kind that will often double back on itself like an oxbow river. Winding back and forth, three steps forward, two steps back, one giant stumble onto my ass or my face (face into a bowl of ice cream or whatever other god-awful "dessert-ish" , calorie-dense concoction I decide I can make out of what I can find at midnight), get up, dust myself off, three more steps forward...and so it goes. This month's "progress" has been more maintenance than anything else. Which I guess is saying at least SOMETHING about the attention I am paying- or not paying.

My internal optimist (who I try to hand the microphone to because she's VERY soft-spoken) says "good for you for not gaining! Maintaining is difficult and you seem to have done well this week".

My internal pessimist/ gym coach says "WHAT is YOUR problem? You have run a 10K and a 5K race in the past two years, you have been in tip-top shape and then you take a nosedive into recuperating from surgery, being in a relationship, buying a new house....blah blah blah... OH THE EXCUSES! And now look at you! You are nearly 30 pounds heavier than you were a year ago! WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF DIGNITY MAGGOT?!!" (I was channeling R. Lee Ermy there for a sec-have you seen that Geico commercial where he is the former drill sargent turned psychiatrist? HILARIOUS)

And I sit quietly at the foot of my pessimist drill sargent self, I bow my head in self-pity and shame and I say.."I don't know. I lost myself and my priorities in the business of life. I was busy being fat and happy in a wonderful relationship, I was busy buying a home and moving and working my ass off and treating myself with food-just like I always have...without even thinking about it. Before I knew it, it was October and I was having trouble getting into my jeans. Now it's February and I'm REALLY having trouble getting into my jeans"

As you know I have been "training" for a 5k that is slated to run this weekend. I use the term "training" SUPER lightly as that is how I have been dedicated to my training... SUPER lightly. I get in maybe 2 of my 5 workouts each week. I continue to be tired or feel depressed or have some other reason why I'm just not doing a workout tonight. I let myself slide. So now I am faced with a difficult challenge. I just got off the treadmill where I did a 30 minute workout but only ran maybe half of it. The total workout amounted to 2 miles and change. I am supposed to run 3.1 miles on Sunday and last time I ran, I was running an 11/12 minute mile. I think right now I am doing a 15 minute mile. My level of fitness has depleted significantly. It's embarrassing and I feel ashamed of it.

I have a choice. I can suck it up and go run as much of the race as I can and put forth my best effort, and feel the exhilaration of accomplishing something like a 5k (even if I have to maybe walk a little of it- my worst fear), and maybe be inspired to get back in line with my training, or I can choose to bow out of this race... like I did the one back in November-which was a whole other level of being ashamed.

The choice seems pretty clear to me. I'm not looking for the easy way. I am looking for the most alive way. I am looking for the way that will lead me towards feeling whole and present and aware and IN my life. I am never again looking for the way that leads me to sedate myself with food, cruise through my days in survival mode-almost in a sleeping state because I am SO unhappy and feeling SO stuck in my life that I don't know what to do.

Thinking about it, I found myself through my exercise regimen before and after my lap-band surgery. I found my voice and my courage to follow my heart, which was away from my crappy marriage, and away from my crappy unfulfilled life. Time to re-find myself, reconnect with my priorities. Me time. (balanced with We time.)

xo
j

Week One: Return from Zombie Status

This week has been good. I have really watched my calorie intake, I have stayed on my training plan for my 5K, and I have held myself accountable when I go over my calories for the day. I have lost around 7 pounds +/-.

What am I doing? Yoga three times a week- strenuous vinyasa classes- not meditating-relaxation classes. Running 2 miles 2-3 days a week.

Staying hydrated best I can.

When I get hit with a craving- I sit with it for a minute. Look at it, examine where it came from or why it's there. I look around in my head or heart and see if I can find the underlying reason for it. It's working pretty well.

Last night, I came home really tired, but early enough to make dinner. I wanted nachos. We had leftover chicken we needed to use- so I deboned the chicken and made queso. I ate too much of it. I was not happy about that. Then come midnight I was up reading and I was suddenly ravenous. I ate some Special K cereal.

When I sit back and look at the evening- I wonder how I could have done things differently. I wanted the nacho goodness. I could have taken it easier on the queso. I could have eaten at the table instead of standing in the kitchen with everyone. I could have stopped when I realized I was overly full. I could have chosen to take a walk after said heavy-meal. Or I could have set an alarm when I was got home and had a little nap so I didn't feel so drained when eating time came.

Just examining everything helps me to maybe change my behaviors for the next time I encounter these challenges.

Tonight we are going to Benaroya to see the Scottish Arts Festival at 730- so there will be no relaxing until 9 at the earliest tonight. I am feeling stressed about this. Don't really want to go. I also took my "rest" day from training last night, so I have to workout when we get home. But the ticket has already been purchased so I sort of have to. I don't get out of here till 5:30 and its 2 now. So I have a way to go. I feel like I want an escape. I want to escape into the chocolates over on that desk. But I want to make a sane decision about this. Looking over my calorie intake for the day, I should go get a nice latte. Take a stroll. Get away from my desk and my machine.

STOP
BREATHE
REFLECT
CHOOSE

See? It does work.

xo
j