Stupid Shit I Ate For Breakfast

I just ate the stupidest shit for breakfast. I can't believe I just did it. Cookies. Leftover cookies from christmas. I was sitting here working and I kept dozing off, then my stomach started to growl. I looked up and saw the tin of leftover butter cookies from christmas. I want to kick myself- I want to purge- (never could do that-only when I'm stuck) -but all I can do is learn from it.


I set a goal last week to get back to my bandster rules and eat the way I'm supposed to. Taking smaller bites- carrying my tiny barbie silverware around in my purse, putting my fork down between bites, no drinking while eating, track every morsel of food that goes in my gob, exercise at least 30 minutes a day, drink at least 6-8- 8 oz. glasses of water a day. Protein and produce are the mainstays. No white foods (rice, pasta potatoes, bread) 2- 8 oz servings of dairy daily. Supplement daily.


This week has been extraordinary in that I've been snowed in all week and stuck in the house. And with my knee still recovering- walking outside in the snow would be an unwise decision. I have been on my bike twice this week- which is good- but not daily like I'm supposed to. 


I have eaten things like ice cream one night, nuts (too high in fat), panko breaded fried chicken tenders, homemade deep fried onion rings. AND I've been waiting WAY too long to eat- I eat at 1 or 2 pm- and then from that point on- it's a free-for-all. I feel as though I have a free pass to eat pretty much whatever I want. I have been eating in bed. I need to BAN that behavior. NO food in the bedroom period. I get hungry after 4 hours from dinner and I make poor choices. I should just go to sleep. 


On the up-side. I am proud that I opted out of pizza one night, and had an eggwhite omelette instead, I made 2 caffe oles that were relatively low calorie- maybe 6 oz skim milk in each. 


How is this rant different from the previous bazillion? Well, it isn't except that I REALLY want to take off this 30 lbs I put on in the last year- I have my wedding in August and I want to be proud of how I look- plus I want to be able to wear my jeans again- I am REFUSING to buy any. If I want this badly enough I will make it happen. Time to decide.


Sigh.... such a journey, this is. 
Hmm... Talking like Yoda, I am.


Weirding me out, it is.




Meet this goal, I WILL.


XO
J

Welcome to 2012 - The year of the Peacock. (my own personal label)

Holy Crap.

I mean really? 2012? And then beyond THAT- really? I've gained 30 pounds since my tummy tuck two years ago? What the fuck?

Thing is, I know EXACTLY what the fuck.

It's called getting years into really comfortable with a new relationship, it's called stress and turmoil in your adult life with job changes, and home purchases, it's called a 10 year old knee injury that finally got irritated enough by playing Roller Derby that I decided to have it looked at. 1 MRI later, I discover that in the past 3 years since i started getting more active and running miles and miles- that I have had a torn meniscus (both inner and outer), partially torn ACL, and a LARGE amount of cartilage missing from between my knee bones in my joint. So I embarked reluctantly on the journey of knee surgery. I was on crutches for 8 weeks, and I am still in physical therapy twice a week. Walking better, but still not without pain or easily overdoing it.

I bought a new VERY nice recumbent bike since I was told I should never run again and roller derby was a judgement call- but I should really consider all that I've been through before getting into that again. I am really depressed because I SO loved running and I SO loved Roller Derby! I felt like SUCH a BAD ASS!

SO now I am relegated to the bike. I will be able to get my cardio in again, and eventually, my knee will get strong enough to start walking athletically again. Just frustrated with my food choices for now. Thing is, the exercise was additional therapy and stress release for me. And so now I get the slightest bit hormonal, angry, worried, etc. My band gets tight- I can't eat healthy solid foods, and I end up making poor choices- just so I can keep something down.

Looking at this post- I sound like a whiney victim. That sucks. I AM a survivor on many many levels. I have a goal set. I want to get back down to my post-tummy-tuck weight by August (when I'm getting married!). That's 260 some days to accomplish that- WITH an injured leg. I think about how fast the weight fell off right after I got my band, walking for at least an hour every evening- following the serving sizes and all the rules to a tee. I'm now going on 5 years with my band. I KNOW how to use this tool.

I think new year's resolutions are typical and ridiculous. So I won't label it as such.

I'm making my health and my needs a priority once again. I deserve it and I am worth it- and I AM a badass! I will reach my goal and I will be completely healthy and gorgeous for my wedding--- and long after. The peacock thing- well that's me- with my beautiful plumage strutting around. As I am meant to be. :)

Looking through my old posts- I have to laugh at how many of them address the "reset" button, or beginning again, or rededicating myself. And here I am. No progress. In fact, backwards movement.

Thing is, shaming and being mean to myself isn't going to get me anywhere- it's going to hinder my progress. When you convince yourself it's hopeless and that you are a fat piece of crap- there isn't much motivation to even get out of bed- let alone work on bettering yourself. There is a fine line between being firm with yourself and reaching your goals, and being an unforgiving asshole to yourself- draining yourself of momentum, and self esteem, filling yourself with hatred and loathing. It produces nothing more than extra lbs on your body and tight-fitting pants.

Okay- that's all I have for now. I will do my best to check in and keep you posted. Or to at least document the journey!

We are worth it tribe! Kick some ass in 2012!!

xo

j

An update for September 2011

Well, after a bit of a hiatus, I am back to post something. What have I been up to?

Since my last post, a few big things changed in my life. Mainly- my job changed. I decided to leave the credit union after 10+ years. I was offered an opportunity that I couldn't refuse and I have been off for a full month as of today and I am doing okay. I have freelance design projects in the fire and $-wise we are doing very well. I begin my new position "officially" Oct.1 as far as I know.

Second, since my last post, Cory asked me to marry him. So I'm officially engaged! Feels weird after having been married before for nearly 10 years, divorced since '08 and having transformed my self and life into something more, or at least something I am really happy with. We plan to get hitched next August if all rolls out the way it should. Also- honeymoon in Paris! YES! FINALLY!

Third, Cory and I are getting a puppy! We have had her "reserved" for 6 months or so- long before she was conceived- and TODAY is the DAY! She flies in from Florida on a special pet shuttle flight and arrives tonight at 11:30. SO excited to be a mommy- and excited to have a walking companion as well!

Can't remember if this was in my last post- but I was skating roller derby in August and I managed to tweak an old injury in my knee. Had an MRI done- and found massive damage from a fall I took in 2002. Torn meniscus on both sides of my knee and possibly semi-torn ACL as well. I meet with the surgeon tomorrow to discuss my options. My doctor told me to keep working out. I can walk on flat surfaces fine, any incline whatsoever hurts. Biking, Swimming, Walking, Elliptical, all things that are low-impact, I am supposed to continue to do as long as it doesn't hurt. I have been inconsistently moving on with that plan.

Last week Cory and I vacationed in the Redwoods and did a LOT of walking and hiking through the woods, and on the beaches in Oregon, so I learned quickly what my limits were there.

Weight management: well, it's just steady. No loss. A little gain each month heading towards my period, and then the little gain goes away a week later or so. I have not been exercising regularly as I said.

Have good and bad food days- but try to eat mostly good real food most of the time. Haven't been drinking at home- had some drinks with dinner while on vacation, but then again I also had bread and croissant. I figured I was on vacation and it would be alright. I spent some nights uncomfortable due to my eating choices- upset stomach, too full, indigestion, etc. Funny how you forget how it works- you put crap into your body- you get crap out- and you FEEL like crap.

I had a slight unfill about a month ago when the stress from my job was too much and I was constantly PBing. Now after having some time to relax, heal my stomach, etc. I am ready for a fill again. Hungry too often- even when I eat real food- I get hungry too soon afterwards. Think I'll go for a .5 cc this time as my unfill was a full cc if I remember right. I am looking to get back to the green zone. I feel like I haven't been there in SO long!

Feeling like I might gnaw my arm off soon- better go make some oatmeal and cut up some cantaloupe. We'll see how long this lasts- I should start a log on my iPhone.

We are worth the effort band tribe! XO
Jen

Quiet Morning & Introspection before 7 a.m.

Yesterday, I got up early and went out for a 3 mile run. It wasn't an excruciating experience. I felt good when I was done and I felt proud that I completed my workout. I also noticed that my hunger wasn't as pronounced, nor did I have as much trouble eating a healthy breakfast (a.k.a. - fruit and such didn't get stuck like it normally does at that early hour).

Since I can't run everyday, (if I did, I'd end up injuring myself- need to give the muscles time to recover) I am up early again- but at a loss as to what to do. I decided to follow up on some freelance paperwork and estimates I needed to get sent out to clients, have some coffee, and just be.

As far as the workout goes- tonight I'll be skating in training for roller derby (my camp starts this Sunday! I'M PSYCHED!...and scared I'll get my ass kicked) for at least an hour so that'll be my workout for the day. (did you know rollerskating burns an INCREDIBLE amount of calories per hour? Upwards of 500!!)

Good news- the scale tells me that my extra water weight was indeed just that and that I am down around 3 lbs less than last week's average daily weigh in. I believe it's because I can't stop drinking water! I swear I pee more than anyone I know. I realize this is good for me. Keeping it going is the goal.

So this morning's "introspection" seems more like freewriting- no real ground-breaking or even band-related things to talk about...well maybe one: Tried to eat pizza for dinner last night- that didn't work out well even though it was thin crust. (advice to the band tribe- if you are still trying to eat pizza and bread when you are really after losing weight- go get your head checked- even if you don't have trouble with bread- it's the old addage, just because you can, doesn't mean you should. I continually push this envelope and know deep down this is why I have experienced my weight loss stall!)

After suffering the consequences of choosing pizza, and exercising damage-control by drinking some hot water, I had a nice bowl of lowfat cottage cheese with some canned pears. Protein. Produce. Check.

The nice thing was, I went to bed without feeling hungry.

Well, it's getting light out. Best get on with my day. Wish I had a couple sick days to take- because I'm SICK of the bullshit at work!

Have a great healthy day tribe!

XO

Jen

p.s. REMEMBER YOU ARE WORTH ALL THE EFFORT IT TAKES!!

Showing Up

Since my last "freakout-du-jour", I have been trying to be more gentle, more loving, more aware of what my body and my mind need. I am also trying to trust the things that I become aware of.

I got on the scale this morning and it said "hey- you gained like 4 or 5 pounds since Friday- what the hell??" And I was all "what the hell??" So that wasn't a great start to the day. I am a week out from my period and so that helped to explain a bit, but it sucks because I am more hungry than I usually am-also more cranky/sensitive. Being aware. Breathing into the beautiful reality that I am imperfect. Water-weight does not a bad-girl make.

So my previous experience with awareness this weekend is funny. When faced the leftover chocolate cake brought to our weekend barbecue by a friend, I had the option of hanging onto it in case we wanted a snack later or tomorrow, or pitching it in the trash immediately. My first instinct: Hang onto it! I mean it's nearly HALF a black forest cake (which to the food addict equates somewhere up there with gold bouillon at first glance) and there are starving people on this planet and how could I waste this??

Then I thought about it some more after I left the kitchen, while I was sitting in bed with my ice water and a good book-Safe from the cake. Then it popped up- (inner monologue: there's cake out there you know...wouldn't that be good about now?) And that creepy-poltergeisty inner voice is was what triggered the decision to throw it away. Not the next morning, not the next day, THAT VERY MINUTE. And the stupid thing is, as I crammed it into the garbage can, was that I had to keep repeating the mantra "FOOD IS NOT A RARE TREASURE...THERE WILL BE MORE OPPORTUNITIES TO HAVE CAKE IN YOUR LIFE". I successfully got the lid to the trash closed and retreated once more to the bedroom brush my teeth and drink some more ice water.

I beat the cake. Fuck you, cake. I am stronger.

Today, after several weeks of tumultousness at work I finally know/ decided where I stand and what I want to craft my future to look like. While the immediate outlook is not optimum for the next 4-5 months, it's a smart decision. Regardless of the smartness of the decision, there is a part of me that is still screaming for revenge and wanting treats to quit having to feel this dread for all the changes coming up. I want to numb out. I flirted with the idea of getting a cookie for breakfast, I flirted with the idea of going and buying a GIANT mocha and whatever else chocolate I could possibly get my hands on, I flirted with the idea of buying a HUGE serving of mac n cheese for lunch and letting the cheesy goodness melt me into a trance.

But then I realized, yes, while I was hungry, I also hadn't taken my anti-anxiety meds yet for the day, and therefore I was in no condition to be making food choices in that state. I took my meds. I drank a vitamin water. I went and bought about 3 oz of protein (lemon chicken) and 1/2 C of produce (chickpea salad with olives & tomatoes). And now I sit- letting my meds do their thing- finishing my drink so I don't drink while eating, and letting the calm wash over me a little.

This is an example of being aware and hearing my needs, and then being the adult in the situation and taking care of my needs in a responsible way. Proud of myself today. Hoping to continue this success into the evening with a workout and an early bedtime.

And now for my next trick- I shall try to eat my lunch without PBing. Small bites, chew, chew, chew, Stop when I'm full. So simple and yet SO easy to overlook on a daily basis after you've been banded a while.

XO Tribe Friends!
Jen

To my lovely Band Tribe

I don't know if my responses to your comments are sent to you all, so I am going to just repost a blanket response to you all here.

Dear loving followers of my often random blathering,

Thank you for your outpouring of support and kindness today with regards to my post on Wednesday. Yes, it was a pretty low day, but I know too well after having been through a divorce and a terribly abusive childhood that I am stronger than circumstances and that this, too, shall pass.

I have a wonderful therapist and a support system I can utilize anytime I need it, so I know I am not alone. And now, you wonderful people-seemingly coming out of the woodwork, I feel I can add to my support system!

I thank you for all your warm responses and general outpouring of support! The lap-band community is really tight! I had no idea! I am so grateful to be a part of it!

Thank you again wonderful lovelies!

XO
Jen

This has very little to do with the lap band

My life is in a state of flux. The company I have been with for over 10 years is being absorbed by another company. My job and it's soundness is up in the air. I have been waiting for WEEKS to find out what's going on and the not knowing is killing me. I am, yes I know it may be shocking, a SERIOUS worrier.

I have what seems to be a promising interview with another place at the end of the week, but I am hoping I can handle to commute. All the unknowns are SO bothersome to me.

Beyond all this, I started some new antidepressant meds to add to my antidepressant meds and I was feeling much better for a few weeks. But yesterday and today I feel like I am sliding backwards. I think maybe 4 pills a day is too much and I should cut it back to three and stay there a while- see if it helps. Today life was so overwhelming that I went to work, did all I could (which isn't much because we are in such a state of flux), drank a 16 oz white breve mocha, which has like 17,000 calories in it... and I managed to get down an apple fritter with a little help from my mocha. So all-in all, I blew most of my calories before lunchtime. I took some more anxiety meds and tried to relax. Not so much. I just wanted to cry. Or sleep. Or cry myself to sleep.

So I opted to leave work an hour early and come home- and right now I am in the process of getting pretty hammered on blueberry vodka and low-cal lemondrop mixer. I want to numb out in the worst way. If the vodka doesn't work, I'll go for some pain killers. If I wasn't such a chicken and was a lot more stupid I would go for a LOT of pain killers chased with a LOT of vodka and just be done with it all.

This is not a happy place to be coming from. Cory wants to marry me. I want to marry him. We will have a furkid in a few months. There is lots to live for. I have a partner who loves me so much and takes such good care of me- but still lets me be who I am and still respects my independence. But my sadness and uncertainty doesn't really want to hear about that shit. It feels crappy NOW. It wants relief NOW.

Backing up a few steps and looking at the real situation here: I got about 4 hours of sleep last night. I am really really stressed about my work and my future. I am still trying to get my meds right. I have people who love me and care about me. I am a talented artist who just needs to find her niche. I am sitting in my backyard in the (intermittent) sunshine with my feet up and a cocktail in my hand. It is peaceful and lovely here. I have so many things to be grateful for.

Am I telling myself horror stories based in no fact? Yes. Am I worrying myself threadbare about things in life that I have NO control over? YES.

Maybe this is what they mean in those 12 step programs about surrendering to a higher power. I need to release the need to control (which I don't really have anyway) and hand it over to the universe. Trust that it will send me what I need when I need it. That is really hard to do. There are so many things in my life that I had to stand up and fight like hell to make happen- I didn't just sit and wait for it to come to me- and now I have a hard time releasing that M.O. I feel if I don't stand up right away, take action right away, that I will miss some grand opportunity... that I will be forgotten by the universe- that I will be passed over in the divine sense and left to fend for myself.

Okay- BLAMMO- that vodka is hitting me. I am gonna need to wrap this up soon. Otherwise I'll start going on about something inappropriate or secret that is best left buried.

On the upside- since the last post, I have lost 5 pounds- so there is that.

A vodka-soaked good evening to you all,
J
xo