Thinner Jenepher

Stupid Shit I Ate For Breakfast

2012-01-20T12:13:00.001-08:00

I just ate the stupidest shit for breakfast. I can't believe I just did it. Cookies. Leftover cookies from christmas. I was sitting here working and I kept dozing off, then my stomach started to growl. I looked up and saw the tin of leftover butter cookies from christmas. I want to kick myself- I want to purge- (never could do that-only when I'm stuck) -but all I can do is learn from it.

I set a goal last week to get back to my bandster rules and eat the way I'm supposed to. Taking smaller bites- carrying my tiny barbie silverware around in my purse, putting my fork down between bites, no drinking while eating, track every morsel of food that goes in my gob, exercise at least 30 minutes a day, drink at least 6-8- 8 oz. glasses of water a day. Protein and produce are the mainstays. No white foods (rice, pasta potatoes, bread) 2- 8 oz servings of dairy daily. Supplement daily.

This week has been extraordinary in that I've been snowed in all week and stuck in the house. And with my knee still recovering- walking outside in the snow would be an unwise decision. I have been on my bike twice this week- which is good- but not daily like I'm supposed to.

I have eaten things like ice cream one night, nuts (too high in fat), panko breaded fried chicken tenders, homemade deep fried onion rings. AND I've been waiting WAY too long to eat- I eat at 1 or 2 pm- and then from that point on- it's a free-for-all. I feel as though I have a free pass to eat pretty much whatever I want. I have been eating in bed. I need to BAN that behavior. NO food in the bedroom period. I get hungry after 4 hours from dinner and I make poor choices. I should just go to sleep.

On the up-side. I am proud that I opted out of pizza one night, and had an eggwhite omelette instead, I made 2 caffe oles that were relatively low calorie- maybe 6 oz skim milk in each.

How is this rant different from the previous bazillion? Well, it isn't except that I REALLY want to take off this 30 lbs I put on in the last year- I have my wedding in August and I want to be proud of how I look- plus I want to be able to wear my jeans again- I am REFUSING to buy any. If I want this badly enough I will make it happen. Time to decide.

Sigh.... such a journey, this is.
Hmm... Talking like Yoda, I am.

Weirding me out, it is.

Meet this goal, I WILL.

XO
J

Welcome to 2012 - The year of the Peacock. (my own personal label)

2012-01-06T11:53:00.000-08:00

Holy Crap.

I mean really? 2012? And then beyond THAT- really? I've gained 30 pounds since my tummy tuck two years ago? What the fuck?

Thing is, I know EXACTLY what the fuck.

It's called getting years into really comfortable with a new relationship, it's called stress and turmoil in your adult life with job changes, and home purchases, it's called a 10 year old knee injury that finally got irritated enough by playing Roller Derby that I decided to have it looked at. 1 MRI later, I discover that in the past 3 years since i started getting more active and running miles and miles- that I have had a torn meniscus (both inner and outer), partially torn ACL, and a LARGE amount of cartilage missing from between my knee bones in my joint. So I embarked reluctantly on the journey of knee surgery. I was on crutches for 8 weeks, and I am still in physical therapy twice a week. Walking better, but still not without pain or easily overdoing it.

I bought a new VERY nice recumbent bike since I was told I should never run again and roller derby was a judgement call- but I should really consider all that I've been through before getting into that again. I am really depressed because I SO loved running and I SO loved Roller Derby! I felt like SUCH a BAD ASS!

SO now I am relegated to the bike. I will be able to get my cardio in again, and eventually, my knee will get strong enough to start walking athletically again. Just frustrated with my food choices for now. Thing is, the exercise was additional therapy and stress release for me. And so now I get the slightest bit hormonal, angry, worried, etc. My band gets tight- I can't eat healthy solid foods, and I end up making poor choices- just so I can keep something down.

Looking at this post- I sound like a whiney victim. That sucks. I AM a survivor on many many levels. I have a goal set. I want to get back down to my post-tummy-tuck weight by August (when I'm getting married!). That's 260 some days to accomplish that- WITH an injured leg. I think about how fast the weight fell off right after I got my band, walking for at least an hour every evening- following the serving sizes and all the rules to a tee. I'm now going on 5 years with my band. I KNOW how to use this tool.

I think new year's resolutions are typical and ridiculous. So I won't label it as such.

I'm making my health and my needs a priority once again. I deserve it and I am worth it- and I AM a badass! I will reach my goal and I will be completely healthy and gorgeous for my wedding--- and long after. The peacock thing- well that's me- with my beautiful plumage strutting around. As I am meant to be. :)

Looking through my old posts- I have to laugh at how many of them address the "reset" button, or beginning again, or rededicating myself. And here I am. No progress. In fact, backwards movement.

Thing is, shaming and being mean to myself isn't going to get me anywhere- it's going to hinder my progress. When you convince yourself it's hopeless and that you are a fat piece of crap- there isn't much motivation to even get out of bed- let alone work on bettering yourself. There is a fine line between being firm with yourself and reaching your goals, and being an unforgiving asshole to yourself- draining yourself of momentum, and self esteem, filling yourself with hatred and loathing. It produces nothing more than extra lbs on your body and tight-fitting pants.

Okay- that's all I have for now. I will do my best to check in and keep you posted. Or to at least document the journey!

We are worth it tribe! Kick some ass in 2012!!

An update for September 2011

2011-09-13T10:27:00.000-07:00

Well, after a bit of a hiatus, I am back to post something. What have I been up to?

Since my last post, a few big things changed in my life. Mainly- my job changed. I decided to leave the credit union after 10+ years. I was offered an opportunity that I couldn't refuse and I have been off for a full month as of today and I am doing okay. I have freelance design projects in the fire and $-wise we are doing very well. I begin my new position "officially" Oct.1 as far as I know.

Second, since my last post, Cory asked me to marry him. So I'm officially engaged! Feels weird after having been married before for nearly 10 years, divorced since '08 and having transformed my self and life into something more, or at least something I am really happy with. We plan to get hitched next August if all rolls out the way it should. Also- honeymoon in Paris! YES! FINALLY!

Third, Cory and I are getting a puppy! We have had her "reserved" for 6 months or so- long before she was conceived- and TODAY is the DAY! She flies in from Florida on a special pet shuttle flight and arrives tonight at 11:30. SO excited to be a mommy- and excited to have a walking companion as well!

Can't remember if this was in my last post- but I was skating roller derby in August and I managed to tweak an old injury in my knee. Had an MRI done- and found massive damage from a fall I took in 2002. Torn meniscus on both sides of my knee and possibly semi-torn ACL as well. I meet with the surgeon tomorrow to discuss my options. My doctor told me to keep working out. I can walk on flat surfaces fine, any incline whatsoever hurts. Biking, Swimming, Walking, Elliptical, all things that are low-impact, I am supposed to continue to do as long as it doesn't hurt. I have been inconsistently moving on with that plan.

Last week Cory and I vacationed in the Redwoods and did a LOT of walking and hiking through the woods, and on the beaches in Oregon, so I learned quickly what my limits were there.

Weight management: well, it's just steady. No loss. A little gain each month heading towards my period, and then the little gain goes away a week later or so. I have not been exercising regularly as I said.

Have good and bad food days- but try to eat mostly good real food most of the time. Haven't been drinking at home- had some drinks with dinner while on vacation, but then again I also had bread and croissant. I figured I was on vacation and it would be alright. I spent some nights uncomfortable due to my eating choices- upset stomach, too full, indigestion, etc. Funny how you forget how it works- you put crap into your body- you get crap out- and you FEEL like crap.

I had a slight unfill about a month ago when the stress from my job was too much and I was constantly PBing. Now after having some time to relax, heal my stomach, etc. I am ready for a fill again. Hungry too often- even when I eat real food- I get hungry too soon afterwards. Think I'll go for a .5 cc this time as my unfill was a full cc if I remember right. I am looking to get back to the green zone. I feel like I haven't been there in SO long!

Feeling like I might gnaw my arm off soon- better go make some oatmeal and cut up some cantaloupe. We'll see how long this lasts- I should start a log on my iPhone.

We are worth the effort band tribe! XO
Jen

Quiet Morning & Introspection before 7 a.m.

2011-07-27T06:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I got up early and went out for a 3 mile run. It wasn't an excruciating experience. I felt good when I was done and I felt proud that I completed my workout. I also noticed that my hunger wasn't as pronounced, nor did I have as much trouble eating a healthy breakfast (a.k.a. - fruit and such didn't get stuck like it normally does at that early hour).

Since I can't run everyday, (if I did, I'd end up injuring myself- need to give the muscles time to recover) I am up early again- but at a loss as to what to do. I decided to follow up on some freelance paperwork and estimates I needed to get sent out to clients, have some coffee, and just be.

As far as the workout goes- tonight I'll be skating in training for roller derby (my camp starts this Sunday! I'M PSYCHED!...and scared I'll get my ass kicked) for at least an hour so that'll be my workout for the day. (did you know rollerskating burns an INCREDIBLE amount of calories per hour? Upwards of 500!!)

Good news- the scale tells me that my extra water weight was indeed just that and that I am down around 3 lbs less than last week's average daily weigh in. I believe it's because I can't stop drinking water! I swear I pee more than anyone I know. I realize this is good for me. Keeping it going is the goal.

So this morning's "introspection" seems more like freewriting- no real ground-breaking or even band-related things to talk about...well maybe one: Tried to eat pizza for dinner last night- that didn't work out well even though it was thin crust. (advice to the band tribe- if you are still trying to eat pizza and bread when you are really after losing weight- go get your head checked- even if you don't have trouble with bread- it's the old addage, just because you can, doesn't mean you should. I continually push this envelope and know deep down this is why I have experienced my weight loss stall!)

After suffering the consequences of choosing pizza, and exercising damage-control by drinking some hot water, I had a nice bowl of lowfat cottage cheese with some canned pears. Protein. Produce. Check.

The nice thing was, I went to bed without feeling hungry.

Well, it's getting light out. Best get on with my day. Wish I had a couple sick days to take- because I'm SICK of the bullshit at work!

Have a great healthy day tribe!

Jen

p.s. REMEMBER YOU ARE WORTH ALL THE EFFORT IT TAKES!!

Showing Up

2011-07-25T13:38:00.000-07:00

Since my last "freakout-du-jour", I have been trying to be more gentle, more loving, more aware of what my body and my mind need. I am also trying to trust the things that I become aware of.

I got on the scale this morning and it said "hey- you gained like 4 or 5 pounds since Friday- what the hell??" And I was all "what the hell??" So that wasn't a great start to the day. I am a week out from my period and so that helped to explain a bit, but it sucks because I am more hungry than I usually am-also more cranky/sensitive. Being aware. Breathing into the beautiful reality that I am imperfect. Water-weight does not a bad-girl make.

So my previous experience with awareness this weekend is funny. When faced the leftover chocolate cake brought to our weekend barbecue by a friend, I had the option of hanging onto it in case we wanted a snack later or tomorrow, or pitching it in the trash immediately. My first instinct: Hang onto it! I mean it's nearly HALF a black forest cake (which to the food addict equates somewhere up there with gold bouillon at first glance) and there are starving people on this planet and how could I waste this??

Then I thought about it some more after I left the kitchen, while I was sitting in bed with my ice water and a good book-Safe from the cake. Then it popped up- (inner monologue: there's cake out there you know...wouldn't that be good about now?) And that creepy-poltergeisty inner voice is was what triggered the decision to throw it away. Not the next morning, not the next day, THAT VERY MINUTE. And the stupid thing is, as I crammed it into the garbage can, was that I had to keep repeating the mantra "FOOD IS NOT A RARE TREASURE...THERE WILL BE MORE OPPORTUNITIES TO HAVE CAKE IN YOUR LIFE". I successfully got the lid to the trash closed and retreated once more to the bedroom brush my teeth and drink some more ice water.

I beat the cake. Fuck you, cake. I am stronger.

Today, after several weeks of tumultousness at work I finally know/ decided where I stand and what I want to craft my future to look like. While the immediate outlook is not optimum for the next 4-5 months, it's a smart decision. Regardless of the smartness of the decision, there is a part of me that is still screaming for revenge and wanting treats to quit having to feel this dread for all the changes coming up. I want to numb out. I flirted with the idea of getting a cookie for breakfast, I flirted with the idea of going and buying a GIANT mocha and whatever else chocolate I could possibly get my hands on, I flirted with the idea of buying a HUGE serving of mac n cheese for lunch and letting the cheesy goodness melt me into a trance.

But then I realized, yes, while I was hungry, I also hadn't taken my anti-anxiety meds yet for the day, and therefore I was in no condition to be making food choices in that state. I took my meds. I drank a vitamin water. I went and bought about 3 oz of protein (lemon chicken) and 1/2 C of produce (chickpea salad with olives & tomatoes). And now I sit- letting my meds do their thing- finishing my drink so I don't drink while eating, and letting the calm wash over me a little.

This is an example of being aware and hearing my needs, and then being the adult in the situation and taking care of my needs in a responsible way. Proud of myself today. Hoping to continue this success into the evening with a workout and an early bedtime.

And now for my next trick- I shall try to eat my lunch without PBing. Small bites, chew, chew, chew, Stop when I'm full. So simple and yet SO easy to overlook on a daily basis after you've been banded a while.

XO Tribe Friends!
Jen

To my lovely Band Tribe

2011-07-14T20:56:00.000-07:00

I don't know if my responses to your comments are sent to you all, so I am going to just repost a blanket response to you all here.

Dear loving followers of my often random blathering,

Thank you for your outpouring of support and kindness today with regards to my post on Wednesday. Yes, it was a pretty low day, but I know too well after having been through a divorce and a terribly abusive childhood that I am stronger than circumstances and that this, too, shall pass.

I have a wonderful therapist and a support system I can utilize anytime I need it, so I know I am not alone. And now, you wonderful people-seemingly coming out of the woodwork, I feel I can add to my support system!

I thank you for all your warm responses and general outpouring of support! The lap-band community is really tight! I had no idea! I am so grateful to be a part of it!

Thank you again wonderful lovelies!

XO
Jen

This has very little to do with the lap band

2011-07-13T14:11:00.000-07:00

My life is in a state of flux. The company I have been with for over 10 years is being absorbed by another company. My job and it's soundness is up in the air. I have been waiting for WEEKS to find out what's going on and the not knowing is killing me. I am, yes I know it may be shocking, a SERIOUS worrier.

I have what seems to be a promising interview with another place at the end of the week, but I am hoping I can handle to commute. All the unknowns are SO bothersome to me.

Beyond all this, I started some new antidepressant meds to add to my antidepressant meds and I was feeling much better for a few weeks. But yesterday and today I feel like I am sliding backwards. I think maybe 4 pills a day is too much and I should cut it back to three and stay there a while- see if it helps. Today life was so overwhelming that I went to work, did all I could (which isn't much because we are in such a state of flux), drank a 16 oz white breve mocha, which has like 17,000 calories in it... and I managed to get down an apple fritter with a little help from my mocha. So all-in all, I blew most of my calories before lunchtime. I took some more anxiety meds and tried to relax. Not so much. I just wanted to cry. Or sleep. Or cry myself to sleep.

So I opted to leave work an hour early and come home- and right now I am in the process of getting pretty hammered on blueberry vodka and low-cal lemondrop mixer. I want to numb out in the worst way. If the vodka doesn't work, I'll go for some pain killers. If I wasn't such a chicken and was a lot more stupid I would go for a LOT of pain killers chased with a LOT of vodka and just be done with it all.

This is not a happy place to be coming from. Cory wants to marry me. I want to marry him. We will have a furkid in a few months. There is lots to live for. I have a partner who loves me so much and takes such good care of me- but still lets me be who I am and still respects my independence. But my sadness and uncertainty doesn't really want to hear about that shit. It feels crappy NOW. It wants relief NOW.

Backing up a few steps and looking at the real situation here: I got about 4 hours of sleep last night. I am really really stressed about my work and my future. I am still trying to get my meds right. I have people who love me and care about me. I am a talented artist who just needs to find her niche. I am sitting in my backyard in the (intermittent) sunshine with my feet up and a cocktail in my hand. It is peaceful and lovely here. I have so many things to be grateful for.

Am I telling myself horror stories based in no fact? Yes. Am I worrying myself threadbare about things in life that I have NO control over? YES.

Maybe this is what they mean in those 12 step programs about surrendering to a higher power. I need to release the need to control (which I don't really have anyway) and hand it over to the universe. Trust that it will send me what I need when I need it. That is really hard to do. There are so many things in my life that I had to stand up and fight like hell to make happen- I didn't just sit and wait for it to come to me- and now I have a hard time releasing that M.O. I feel if I don't stand up right away, take action right away, that I will miss some grand opportunity... that I will be forgotten by the universe- that I will be passed over in the divine sense and left to fend for myself.

Okay- BLAMMO- that vodka is hitting me. I am gonna need to wrap this up soon. Otherwise I'll start going on about something inappropriate or secret that is best left buried.

On the upside- since the last post, I have lost 5 pounds- so there is that.

A vodka-soaked good evening to you all,
J
xo

Hard to Love Myself

2011-06-12T15:28:00.000-07:00

I bought a really cute sundress today. And it doesn't fit. Not even close. I have been greasing my imagination wheels just enough to convince myself that I haven't gained THAT much, but then something like this reality hits me SMACK in the face and I am forced to keep my eyes open and look at the facts.

This is hard for me to share.

I was at 190 lbs. in November of 2009 before I had abdominoplasty. Then I had surgery and it took a LONG time to recover. I never got back to that level of athleticism that I was at. And I changed my lifestyle completely from what it was when I moved in with my Sig other. Since then, my weight loss journey and goals have taken a back seat to my life's drama, my depression, my frustration, and I fell swiftly back into medicating with food. My athletic endeavors shrunk to almost none. The reality today is that I am at 228 lbs. That's a gain of 38 lbs over the course of a year and 6 months.

How did this happen? I feel like I have failed myself. I feel like suddenly I am ill-equipped to get myself going in the right direction. Drowning in my depression and fat. No control. No life-raft.

But I stay afloat-(insert fat buoyancy joke here) and keep paddling. Hoping that the switch will flip back on and I'll return to the place I was- where losing was a priority and medicating with food was not an option, and where my depression didn't rule me so very much.

I know I have the strength to battle this out. But sometimes, you just get tired of fighting. I want to put my plate and fork down and rest in the green grass peacefully.

More to come. All I can do is keep trying.
xo
j

Powerless

2011-06-06T12:34:00.000-07:00

In what area of my life do I feel stuck?
Where do I begin?

Work- unsatisfied, unsure of stability, feeling of hopelessness and apathy towards it. Knowing that in the end, this work means nothing and that no matter what I do today, it will not change the decisions that will be or have been made regarding my job in the new combined organization.

Scared and unsure and worried about branching out trying to find new work. Am I good enough? Will I be able to find a job that really fulfills my creative needs? Will my work mean something? Am I barking up the wrong tree regarding the direction of my work? Should I be focusing on growing my own business? Making a living from my artwork like www.PaPaYa.com ? Can I do this AND hold down a part time job? What if I fail? What if someone sees how insecure I am and how scared I am of the unknown? How will they judge me?

Home- I don’t like my living situation. I don’t like having someone living with me and my significant other. I feel intruded upon and like my privacy is severely compromised. In this environment I feel depressed and powerless to make any changes I want to. I am not creating. I am not playing music loudly. I am not singing. I am not excited about cooking. I am not excited about my weight loss or my journey for a more athletic self. I am falling back into my old comfort mechanisms because of how unhappy and uncomfortable and how powerless I feel in my daily life. I am not living fully as I was when I was living alone.

WHY?

Fear of being judged. Fear of disturbing others. Fear of being attacked AGAIN for being true to my emotional, creative and boisterous, and visually exciting nature. Fear of overstepping others’ boundaries. Fear of letting others down- that inner voice that is screaming to me: “I cannot stay here anymore- I am not living my most authentic life. I want to move back to Seattle- but I have a mortgage I agreed to pay. I made a promise to stick by this.” The thing is, I am sticking by my promises- is everyone else sticking by theirs? Did I promise too much up front? Did I promise to fully sacrifice myself to the greater good? I don’t remember doing that. What can I do about this now?

I feel trapped in this suburban life where yard work takes up the weekends. I AM NOT A LANDSCAPER OR A GARDENER. Bully for Bev who loves it, but cannot physically do it, but I don’t love it. I never have. I would rather go shopping or travel or shoot photos or paint or be engrossed in some creative project.

I posses a great deal of apathy. Don’t feel inspired to go out and run/explore in the area I live in. There is nothing exciting or interesting about the neighborhoods or the people around me. I am not inspired by my surroundings. This is a key factor. I can choose to drive to different areas and work out there. I can choose to get a personal trainer and work out with them.

I am afraid to stand up and make changes and assume that I have any power because I am worried that I will be reprimanded for making things the way I want them. What if I rearranged the kitchen? What if I got rid of half the crap in there? What if I got rid of the extra towels and such? What if I asserted myself and my needs for expressing myself visually? What if I painted the front door? What if I funk-ified the entryway? What would they do? Cast me out? Yell at me?

Family- It’s so fucked up. It always has been. My mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law. They continue to choose their comfort and I continue to choose mine. These two paths do not overlap. It is unfortunate. I feel deserted sometimes. I feel angry sometimes. I feel sad that I have to divorce them in order to maintain my basic level of comfort. I feel sad that they don’t understand and think that I am selfish and strange and dramatic. It hurts to be that misunderstood by those who are supposed to know you best & love you anyway.

I feel my only family is Cory, Valerie, Jane & Chet, my grandma, Linda- my therapist, and that’s about it.

Self- My hunger for security and okayness and joy is sometimes almost completely out of control. I am not feeding myself in the ways my heart and soul need. And I substitute with food. There is so much discomfort around my daily life and just coping and getting by- just surviving- that I have withdrawn again. I’m not even here for my life. I have let food become my security blanket again. This is self-destructive and SUCH a 180 from what I KNOW in MY HEART is good for me.

On the flip side, I am devouring books and weblogs and trying to find the answer to help me wake up from this. I am attending therapy. I am asking for help. I can at least be proud and give myself credit for that.

Hitting The Reset Button

2011-06-03T09:23:00.000-07:00

So last weekend I went on a mini-vacation with boyfriend. We took a photography wandering trip along the Oregon coast. I ate WAY too much of WAY the wrong things. I didn't get too down on myself because I figured I'm on vacation, it's not like I do this all the time. Plus we were constantly walking and climbing rocks and hiking trails so it wasn't as if I was lying around on a chaise lounge eating gallons of ice cream.

I have returned from the trip to find my weight crept up by a few lbs. Not happy news. Not shocking, but still not happy. So I have made a decision. Since I have been constantly waffling on "getting back on track" and clearly not committed to changing my habits, I need a reset period. I need a final promise to myself that I will be changing my habits back to where they were when I was first banded. I have to mentally put myself back there.

How did I feel?
What were my top priorities?
What was I excited about?
What was I afraid were going to be roadblocks?

All these questions are things I need to dig into and examine. Which I will do. For now, while I am at work, I will think on it.

As a method of getting myself and my metabolism reset, I am resuming the liquid diet that my surgeon put me on for a week before my banding. I will do this for one -two weeks, jumpstart my weight loss (hopefully) and shrink my tummy a little so that when I go back to 3 0z protein and 1/2 c produce, I feel satisfied and that feels like a normal amount of food for me.

At that point, I will truly be able to gauge if I need a fill or not.

At least that's the master plan. We'll see how it goes.
Will keep you posted.

xo
j

Extraordinary Machine

2011-05-23T08:29:00.000-07:00

My body/mind/inner gremlins want/need something today. They are making plans to attack my fortress of "Good Healthy Eating and Active Lifestyle". I just drank 8 oz. of hot chocolate-a bandster no-no. Shit. I better do something.

Taking a quick inventory of myself I see that the shelves labeled "enough sleep", "creatively fulfilled", and "having fun" are almost bare.

Let's check these gauges over here; Coffee levels are at about halfway to sufficient for normal functioning. Food and satiety levels have risen significantly since I put oatmeal in my tummy. (When I began this post-I was shoveling oatmeal in my face and thinking god, I will NOT be able to make it through the day without some chocolate.) And... Oh-yeah the red light just went out on the Binge Alert monitor.

Phew. The gremlins are retreating into the shadows- still lurking, but at bay for the time being.

Must remember to take my meds on time, take my breaks, stay hydrated, and track my calorie intake. Will report back as newest developments occur.

xo-j

p.s. goddamned weight is STILL stuck in the same place. I expected at least an lb to budge! Grrrrr....

Portions MATTER - WAKE THE EFF UP!!

2011-05-18T09:56:00.000-07:00

Since the beginning of the month (May), I have been TRYING to get my shit together. I have been working out 3-5 times a week. I have been counting my calories. I have been trying to get enough sleep. I have been AWARE. And yet, the scale doesn't budge.

SO FRUSTRATED. And sore from working my ass off!

However, I think after getting honest with myself and examining my online food & exercise diary more closely, that I have been LYING... not TRYING. For example: How much fat-free creamer do I put in my black coffee each time I make one? I've been eyeballing the quantity and calling it 2 tablespoons. I just took my measuring spoon to the fridge and poured out EXACTLY 2 tablespoons. And it seems to me that I have been putting perhaps DOUBLE that. If you figure that I have about 4-5 coffees a day, and my creamer is 10 calories per tablespoon, that means that I have been ingesting (unwittingly or not) nearly 100 extra calories a day with JUST my coffee- I often have tea at night as well- "English style". So lets call it 140 extra calories.

Another example- dressing on my salad- I could call one small "ladlefull" of dressing about 2 tablespoons, but I think it's more like 3-4. Again- DOUBLING the calories I am taking in. 2 tablespoons of ranch dressing = 120 calories, so there's an extra 120 calories give or take- that is not being accounted for.

Cheese on my salads? Burger patties? Nachos? Cheese is SUCH a HUGE calorie bomb and I seem to bandy it about willy-nilly like it's shredded lettuce. 1/4 cup full-fat shredded cheddar = 114 calories.

Sour cream? Even LIGHT sour cream contains a hefty amount of calories if you consider I only allow myself 1000-1200 daily. 2 tablespoons of Light Sour Cream = 40 calories. do I stick with 2 tablespoons ALWAYS? No.

Add all this up- which is not uncommon for my typical eating day lately and you get 400-414 EXTRA calories that aren't always accounted for in my diary. This is MORE than I am burning off daily- and hence the scale staying steadfastly in the same place.

AND I MUST CONFESS THAT THESE ITEMS ARE THE ONES I AM LOGGING! WHAT ABOUT THE SMALL HALF A COOKIE HERE AND THE LICK OF ICECREAM THERE? I'm eating OVER 500 calories more a day on average than I should be. I'm TOTALLY lying to myself.

I deserve better.

I guess I just needed to get honest and really LOOK at what I am doing. It's SO easy to gloss over our habits and say "but, I'm eating healthy and I'm tracking my calories!" This is something that I see on Bandster boards daily- and in any interaction I have at the NWWLS clinic- ALL BITES COUNT.

So now that I have uncovered the culprits, what do I plan to do about it? Well it's time to examine what I want- what my priorities are, and if I want to accomplish those things more than I want cheese, sour cream, and cookies. Funny enough- in the scheme of things- cheese, sour cream and cookies will not make me happy. Because I have them in my life now and I'm quite unhappy. Having my healthy body and slim self back will.

FRANKENSNACK Lumbering in To Crush My Delicate Goals

2011-03-01T17:34:00.000-08:00

I just got home from a relatively easy going day at work. Sure, there was stress, but nothing unmanageable or over the top. I ate breakfast. I ate lunch. I didn't keep lunch down, however. So physiologically, I AM hungry... but figured I could wait it out until I got home. 1st mistake. Should have dealt with hunger.

I went to Ballard, picked up some of my favorite coffee beans, and went to browse through a consignment shop. Didn't buy anything, didn't almost buy anything... just enjoying the hunt.
Driving home was not too bad. Traffic was crap, but it was raining. I kept trying to doze off. That's not good. I needed something to wake me up and energize me. My typical go-to solution for everything: food. (in this case- going to food is not an unreasonable response, but still- I went for the wrong kind)

I walked in the door, dropped my shit and all I could think about was making some kind of concoction that would simulate buttercream frosting. Why buttercream frosting? I made someone a bday cake last weekend, had a piece and then managed to get it ALL out of my kitchen by sending it home with others. I was craving that sugar/fat kick. It was recently in my immediate environment, and I had dared to have a little. (It's the heroin addict saying "I'll only have a little".)

Usually, I am proud of my creative abilities in the kitchen. I take chances and create some yummy things when I dare to step outside the box. But tonight I was the wild-eyed mad scientist creating my monster "FrankenSnack". I created what I dare to count out as about 6 oz of buttery-goo that registers about 600 on the caloric richter scale. I was prepared to down it all.

While preparing my goo, "FUCK THIS feeling" I thought. I wanted relief. From what feeling? From being hungry, being tired, being "on" and not relaxed. Every night it is the same thing for me...I crave that comforting place to decompress and unwind. I want the easiest route to that place. Usually it is either food or alcohol. Doing it on my own is difficult and takes patience and planning and forethought. And goddamnit, I'm a 10 year old brat in my mind screaming for relief from my exhaustion and I don't WANT to think about it. I don't WANT to have to work at it. I WANT EASY. Instant gratification is the best kind apparently.

I arranged my safe eating zone- where most of my bad food choices and overeating happen- in seclusion, and made my altar all up. Bed made, fluffy pillow, laptop in front of me, delicious goo within reach. Ready to binge. I ate about two spoonfuls and then an alarm went off in my head as I started really considering the caloric bomb I was dropping on myself and the beautiful, wonderful goals which I was directly sabotaging. I was about to have my own Hiroshima event. I put the spoon down.

I logged into this blog and I began writing. As I write, I am tempted but less tempted. My will power battles my childish need for comfort. FrankenSnack is sitting there, looking at me. Taunting me. I don't need this shit. I need to go to the kitchen and dump this in the trash. Will I lick the spoon? How much damage have I already done? Going to the kitchen...

Mission accomplished. Dumped in trash. Yes, I licked the teaspoon of goo remaining on the spoon. I put the little bowl in the sink and ran hot water on it. I dumped my spoon in. I got my water glass out and filled it with icewater. I came back to my relaxation sanctuary. And now I sit writing, sipping icewater. Feeling proud of myself for being aware and stepping in to be the adult in the situation. Stopping the needy child who wants what it wants and trying to soothe it with breath and quiet.

Sitting here and listening to my body, I am hungry. I need to eat some dinner soon. I have green beans in the fridge and a warm roasted chicken is on its way with boyfriend. I will be okay until I can sit down and eat some real food. I will not keel over.

I know I have talked with my girlfriend who is also a self-proclaimed food addict about our amazing abilities to concoct these mixtures with which to commit food terrorism on ourselves. We each find it amazing that we can create something to really BAD for us to eat out of whatever we can scrounge from the fridge and pantry. Somehow, canned peas, ketchup, worchestershire sauce, cream cheese, and saltine crackers can be combined in some "relatively palatable" manner to make a snack that has the caloric content of three pounds of butter. (those ingredients are just an example more for humor than based in a realistic thing I have eaten in the past-but you get my point).

Our addictions drive us in amazing ways to get creative and find ways to get our "fix". Amazing experience, this whole being human thing. Now if only I could more easily accept all the imperfections and screwups that come with it.

2011-02-22T20:52:00.000-08:00

This is a tough journey- not for the wussies or the excuse-makers or the meagerly interested. I have to keep reminding myself of that. And there are no highways or interstates. It's not a process in which I can cruise onto the smooth interstate and set the cruise control until I arrive at my "destination" (a.k.a. my goal weight).

In truth this is a winding, sometimes dusty, unkempt road with washboard sections, giant muddy ruts to get stuck in if you aren't careful, and daunting, wide rivers to cross. This road is the kind that will often double back on itself like an oxbow river. Winding back and forth, three steps forward, two steps back, one giant stumble onto my ass or my face (face into a bowl of ice cream or whatever other god-awful "dessert-ish" , calorie-dense concoction I decide I can make out of what I can find at midnight), get up, dust myself off, three more steps forward...and so it goes. This month's "progress" has been more maintenance than anything else. Which I guess is saying at least SOMETHING about the attention I am paying- or not paying.

My internal optimist (who I try to hand the microphone to because she's VERY soft-spoken) says "good for you for not gaining! Maintaining is difficult and you seem to have done well this week".

My internal pessimist/ gym coach says "WHAT is YOUR problem? You have run a 10K and a 5K race in the past two years, you have been in tip-top shape and then you take a nosedive into recuperating from surgery, being in a relationship, buying a new house....blah blah blah... OH THE EXCUSES! And now look at you! You are nearly 30 pounds heavier than you were a year ago! WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF DIGNITY MAGGOT?!!" (I was channeling R. Lee Ermy there for a sec-have you seen that Geico commercial where he is the former drill sargent turned psychiatrist? HILARIOUS)

And I sit quietly at the foot of my pessimist drill sargent self, I bow my head in self-pity and shame and I say.."I don't know. I lost myself and my priorities in the business of life. I was busy being fat and happy in a wonderful relationship, I was busy buying a home and moving and working my ass off and treating myself with food-just like I always have...without even thinking about it. Before I knew it, it was October and I was having trouble getting into my jeans. Now it's February and I'm REALLY having trouble getting into my jeans"

As you know I have been "training" for a 5k that is slated to run this weekend. I use the term "training" SUPER lightly as that is how I have been dedicated to my training... SUPER lightly. I get in maybe 2 of my 5 workouts each week. I continue to be tired or feel depressed or have some other reason why I'm just not doing a workout tonight. I let myself slide. So now I am faced with a difficult challenge. I just got off the treadmill where I did a 30 minute workout but only ran maybe half of it. The total workout amounted to 2 miles and change. I am supposed to run 3.1 miles on Sunday and last time I ran, I was running an 11/12 minute mile. I think right now I am doing a 15 minute mile. My level of fitness has depleted significantly. It's embarrassing and I feel ashamed of it.

I have a choice. I can suck it up and go run as much of the race as I can and put forth my best effort, and feel the exhilaration of accomplishing something like a 5k (even if I have to maybe walk a little of it- my worst fear), and maybe be inspired to get back in line with my training, or I can choose to bow out of this race... like I did the one back in November-which was a whole other level of being ashamed.

The choice seems pretty clear to me. I'm not looking for the easy way. I am looking for the most alive way. I am looking for the way that will lead me towards feeling whole and present and aware and IN my life. I am never again looking for the way that leads me to sedate myself with food, cruise through my days in survival mode-almost in a sleeping state because I am SO unhappy and feeling SO stuck in my life that I don't know what to do.

Thinking about it, I found myself through my exercise regimen before and after my lap-band surgery. I found my voice and my courage to follow my heart, which was away from my crappy marriage, and away from my crappy unfulfilled life. Time to re-find myself, reconnect with my priorities. Me time. (balanced with We time.)

xo
j

Week One: Return from Zombie Status

2011-02-04T13:34:00.000-08:00

This week has been good. I have really watched my calorie intake, I have stayed on my training plan for my 5K, and I have held myself accountable when I go over my calories for the day. I have lost around 7 pounds +/-.

What am I doing? Yoga three times a week- strenuous vinyasa classes- not meditating-relaxation classes. Running 2 miles 2-3 days a week.

Staying hydrated best I can.

When I get hit with a craving- I sit with it for a minute. Look at it, examine where it came from or why it's there. I look around in my head or heart and see if I can find the underlying reason for it. It's working pretty well.

Last night, I came home really tired, but early enough to make dinner. I wanted nachos. We had leftover chicken we needed to use- so I deboned the chicken and made queso. I ate too much of it. I was not happy about that. Then come midnight I was up reading and I was suddenly ravenous. I ate some Special K cereal.

When I sit back and look at the evening- I wonder how I could have done things differently. I wanted the nacho goodness. I could have taken it easier on the queso. I could have eaten at the table instead of standing in the kitchen with everyone. I could have stopped when I realized I was overly full. I could have chosen to take a walk after said heavy-meal. Or I could have set an alarm when I was got home and had a little nap so I didn't feel so drained when eating time came.

Just examining everything helps me to maybe change my behaviors for the next time I encounter these challenges.

Tonight we are going to Benaroya to see the Scottish Arts Festival at 730- so there will be no relaxing until 9 at the earliest tonight. I am feeling stressed about this. Don't really want to go. I also took my "rest" day from training last night, so I have to workout when we get home. But the ticket has already been purchased so I sort of have to. I don't get out of here till 5:30 and its 2 now. So I have a way to go. I feel like I want an escape. I want to escape into the chocolates over on that desk. But I want to make a sane decision about this. Looking over my calorie intake for the day, I should go get a nice latte. Take a stroll. Get away from my desk and my machine.

STOP
BREATHE
REFLECT
CHOOSE

See? It does work.

xo
j

WAKING UP

2011-01-25T09:29:00.000-08:00

Frustrated as hell.

That's where I begin my week.

I weighed in 2 lbs heavier than I did the week prior. And the week prior was cause for Defcon 2 because I was at THAT weight. Granted, I had just struggled through 2 weeks of PMS hell before I finally FINALLY got the visitor and started feeling better. I was hungry for about 3 days straight. No matter how much I ate I still felt ravenous. AND I HAVE A LAPBAND.

A month or so ago, I had a slight unfill because I was regurgitating nearly everything. I don't know if it was because I was too tight, because I was too stressed or because of hormonal changes, but it was making life miserable and I was participating in maladaptive eating...and to be honest, I really have been doing maladaptive eating for months. I have also been eating whatever I wanted, not exercising, not abiding by the no liquid calorie rules, eating crap (ie; junkfood and candy) and just basically ignoring all the principals that have given me such success with this tool.

I stopped making my health my top priority. What took its place? I don't know. I think laziness, honestly. Cory doesn't require ALL my attention. He doesn't stand in my way of making ALL the right choices and doing the work necessary to get to my goal. When I moved in with him, stopped being lonely, stopped needing to keep myself occupied so I wouldn't feel lonely, sad, overwhelmed, or bored, the desperate need to run everyday didn't continue.

The thing is, I still feel lonely, sad, overwhelmed or bored like a normal person does now and then. But I am not dealing with it the same way I did when I was single. I am turning to food instead. I have to wake myself up and remind myself what I want and what my priorities are. If I don't, if I stay asleep, I'll wake up one day and will have gained all my weight back and then some. This thought TERRIFIES me.

I need to wake up and STAY AWAKE. I felt alive when I was single. Where did my aliveness go? Am I finding that my relationship isn't feeding me or nurturing me the way I want? It's the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. And I feel really happy in it. Am I finding that my job isn't giving me what I need? Well DUH- but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and my skill set is growing, so I know I will be able to control that element when the time comes. Am I feeling discontented because of the lack of change? Because my life has been ALL about change these past many years. Do I thrive on that stress? What is it that I get out of it? Do I get off on playing the victim? I don't think I do.

I am feeling needy most of the time. Time to take stock and look at what parts of my life are empty. If I address these holes, I think I will find that I am less hungry, less depressed and less stuck in discontent. Time to dig back in and do some of this work.

I was going to end this post here, but I just had an epiphany. I got back into a relationship and I totally bailed on myself and my self-care rituals. I don't go get pedicures anymore, I haven't set up my art studio/ girl den so I can actually use it for escape and sanctuary, I haven't been exercising, I haven't been eating right. I have let my relationship and my sleepy "fat and happy" attitude make me lackadaisical in my priorities. I have been so used to my UNHAPPINESS putting me into a sleepy survival mode trance. I didn't even CONSIDER that happiness could put me there too!

WAKING UP NOW. Trance broken. Girl alive and aware. Let's get on with the happy-and stay present for all of it.

PBing is EXHAUSTING...

2010-12-29T14:07:00.000-08:00

This week has been pretty good as far as sticking to my eating and staying in my calorie range, AND doing it the way I'm supposed to... drinking no sooner than 30 mins after a meal, protein and produce exclusively for main meals, lots of drinking no calorie beverages, and getting exercise in EVERY day.

Today I had apple & peanut butter for breakfast. It took a while to eat, but I did get it all down. I also had some yogurt this morning. A few cups of tea, some crystal light. Last night I made some really delicious scallops for dinner...garlic, herbs de provence, butter and white wine. They are the tiny bay scallops, so they were already perfectly "me" bite sized. I think I waited too long to eat because I wanted to SNARF that food down. I paid the price for it too. Let's just say I didn't get to keep my lunch down. I think I kept a little down, but it's hard to be sure. Last night I had problems with the last bite of steamed broccoli I had. It caused me to lose all my veggies. I NEED THOSE THINGS DAMMIT! So I had some warm hot chocolate and assumed the "I'm not going to throw anything else up" stance. (which requires I slouch WAY down in my chair almost to the point of lying down, and breathing slowly to try to get the food to dislodge and go on its merry way to my stomach)

Don't know why I am tight today. I am tired for sure. Maybe that's all it takes- get tired enough and my system gets altered /inflamed. I am stressed a little bit about two of my coworkers leaving in the span of 2 weeks. They found better adventures. The stress there is made up of excitement for them and their new lives, a sense of impending doom as attrition keeps us from hiring replacements for them, and the redistribution of work that will have to happen as a result. And WE ARE AT CAPACITY! But I can only do what I can do. No sense in stressing it.

I am really on high-alert internally to make sure I stay WITH myself regarding food. I have rededicated to training for another 5K and I went for my first run last night since maybe October. It's NOT pretty. I am SO out of shape. I used to be able to knock out 3 miles like it was nothing, but I had to run/walk 1.5 miles last night and today I am FEELING it. I feel ashamed for letting myself slip on this. I feel horrified that I have taken a 30 lb step backward in my progress. Realizing that THIS is my reality, not the la-la-land that I have been living in over the holidays is a shock to my ego and my system I think. Hence the high-alert.

So after PBing last night, and PBing not 20 minutes ago, I realize that it is EXHAUSTING having to do that with my food. I mean I am literally WORN out after I regurgitate. Part of it is trying to feed my body and not being able to... and part of it is just the terrible stress that it creates for me internally. Everytime I PB, I am not achieving my goals to get on track.

I think once I get back into my groove and working out and regulating my food intake goes back to being "just the way I roll", I will feel more relaxed, more trusting of myself, and more in control of myself.

INHALE
EXHALE

This is all I can do now. Stay with the breath.

xo
j

My Calendar is Off...But In A Good Way

2010-12-27T10:41:00.000-08:00

The insanity of food-a-palooza is finally over for the year. I made it through Christmas without going completely overboard...anything I ate, I sweated off in the kitchen. I basically spent most of Christmas Eve Day cooking my ass off for a 6 p.m. dinner. On Christmas Day, I spent time making Creme Brulees, then cleaning up the mess in the living room in preparation for a 4 p.m. dinner. Don't get me wrong, there were cookies and candies and wine and champagne, but nothing was overdone. So not feeling too bad about the caloric intake of the holiday.

Christmas Eve day I signed up for my next 5K which is 10 weeks away. I begin my training today. According to the lap-band rules, I should expect to be losing 1-2 lbs a week, so if I stay on track for training and eat as I am supposed to, and drink drink drink (water & low-cal liquids-I'm actually abstaining from drinking alcohol for my training), I should be down 15-20 lbs by the time the 5K rolls around. This will be a GREAT relief to me. I feel like I totally FLUSHED all my success down the toilet with this weight gain. It's really sad and disheartening. But, as I told someone before who commented on my weight gain (I WAS PISSED AS HELL, but reigned it in and said:) "Well, I know what to do and I have all the tools I need to help me get the weight off again, I'm confident in my abilities".

And I need to be confident in them because I am the one who did it before-of my own volition and under my own direction I became a runner! I trained myself for my first 10K. That's significant and it shows a great deal of dedication to my health and my goals. I'm WITH me, not abandoning me.

So I begin today with renewed confidence and drive to achieve this goal. I feel good about it not being the "New Year's Resolution bandwagon" sort of thing. It's just a re-dedication to the life-long goal I made to be healthy and happy and have a life that I want! My body hurts from inactivity, my clothing doesn't fit as well as it did- in fact, some shirts I can't get into because my arms are too big... or my bust is too big, and I have been PLAGUED with depression and aimless longing for something... It's been there all along, I had just quit going to that place. The meditation that is exercise & running. I ALWAYS feel good after a run. I ALWAYS feel that my heart is more peaceful, that my anxiety is not an unmanageable monster running my life. This is the right path for me to end/begin.

I must remember to start slowly. I wasn't running a full 3 miles instantly when I started training for my first 10K. I need to remember to be gentle and consistent. THAT will get me results and keep me from injuring myself. I think I will start going to yoga at least once or twice a week as well. It's a nice augmented exercise for me and DAMN does it make me strong!

Well, onward!
xo
j

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Fat Pants...

2010-12-24T09:26:00.000-08:00

...Everywhere I go...

The holidays are upon us. There are treats and candy and junkfood surrounding us from all directions. There are evil & deceptively calorically-INSANE holiday coffee drinks being sold on every corner. There's a distinct message of "oh come on- it's the holidays! You deserve a treat!" coming from every television, radio, and store window. And as you walk down the sidewalk towards Starbucks, the holiday lights twinkle and the air is brisk. And you think "It's Christmas Eve! I think I'll have an eggnog latte!" and being at least slightly health-conscious you ask for it cut with nonfat milk. It was delicious. It was satisfying. I went to log it in my calorie program and I wanted to throw it back up. 450 calories for this drink I just ingested. FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFTY. Jesus-Effing-Christ!

Damage now done, there isn't anything I can do about it. I will be eating some good food tonight some meatloaf and potatoes, maybe a little lasagna, and I will be drinking champagne. I am not going to NOT do this because of this goddamned eggnog latte. However, I CAN choose to exercise when I get home instead of jump straight into cooking. I can afford to take 30 minutes and burn some calories and give myself some meditation time.

It's very frustrating. I really love the "feel" of the holidays... the giving, friendly mood, having something to look forward to and projects (gift making/acquiring) to accomplish. But I am looking forward to the holiday season being done. It's torturous for the food addict who is trying to abstain from overeating and over-indulging and trying to maintain-let alone lose excess body weight.

Looking forward to getting back on track with my goals. I am working on learning to take better care of myself each year. This year I have discovered that if I do not pay attention and I am not mindful of my diet and exercise, I will gain weight. Plain and simple. It is NOT an option to just float through life without structuring my food intake and my exercise at all times. I need to get over this mind-block I have about it being a DRAG... being a pain in the ass... being something that "NORMAL" people don't have to do. Because it's SO not true.

Everyone who has a normal adult metabolism and a relatively sedentary job has to pay attention to these things. EVERYONE. Making myself pay attention and be mindful is a good way of caring for myself each and every day. I need to look at it like that. It's not a "have to", it's a "want to". Because I do want to take good care of me. I do want to live a long life, I do want to live in a body that is strong and lean and sexy. I do want to live in a body free of pain and ailments.

I want to do these things for myself because I deserve it. Hard to remember when you have had 5 hours of sleep, you forgot to go to the grocery store to get fruit, you got stuck in traffic on the way home, and when you finally DO get home, you don't want to do anything but stuff your face and/or go to bed.

It's a journey, and I am an imperfectly beautiful work in progress...

Best Intentions Foiled Again

2010-12-01T17:48:00.000-08:00

Challenging day today. I had a late start working. At 8 a.m. I started my workday shopping at Target. Picking up odds and ends for displays I have to make. I continued on to Michaels. By 10 I was on the road headed to Seattle. Got to work, unloaded the shit-ton of stuff I bought, and reloaded a shit ton of prepped displays back into my little trunk. Off I went to set up a display at a branch.

I remembered my xanax. I remembered copious amounts of coffee. I didn't remember to eat. By the time the branch display was finished it was 12:30 and I was completely ravenous. My displays sadly have a candy-land theme this season and so there was a LOT of opportunity to make some REALLY poor choices in front of me at my WEAKEST moment. I only ate a few hershey kisses. No biggie. Returned to my desk at work, got rolling on some other projects and tried to eat some tunafish and cheese on a cracker. A reasonable lapband meal. I think I got maybe .15% of it to stay down. It wasn't pretty. I tried to calm the stoma by giving it hot tea. It calmed down some. I snuck in a few more kisses. I ate a Special K protein bar. I ate another. I ate a snack pack of canned peaches.

Then suddenly it hit me. The crazies for chocolate hit me like a mack truck. I was fine for the longest time and then my level of tiredness, hunger, boredom, foreboding of the coming HTML class tonight, and my overall malaise got the best of me. Two LARGE handfuls of miscellaneous chocolates later... I feel ill. I'm pretty sure that I have met, if not exceeded my calorie intake for the day and the ironic thing is that I didn't really eat any REAL FOOD.

I have to get a handle on this. My weight is going in the wrong direction. My clothes are starting to not fit. My coats are starting to not fit. My body is starting to ache. My body is speaking very clearly and consistently to me about what it needs. It needs regular exercise- regular as in EVERY DAY. It needs more water. It needs good, whole, nutritious foods. And it needs regular and consistent rest.

I am trying to handle the emotional hoo-haa that comes with the Holidays. I am trying to get an emotional handle on what is happening at work with the upcoming merger and whether or not I will have a job at this new organization. I am trying to help my one large freelance client get her website to a place that is profitable and can be measured and more useful for her. AND I am trying to absorb as much as I can from this class I am taking. Hating that I can't seem to give it my 100% because I don't have that much to give to it. SO glad I have this book to help me, but I know there are things I am missing and pieces that don't quite make sense yet. And I'm exhausted and have a hard time keeping myself from leaving class early.

So with that large workload of STUFF on my mind and on my plate as regular everyday life, I am struggling a great deal to make sure that my personal needs are being met. How do I get so out of whack? It SURE was easier to keep myself the priority when it was just me and the cat. But I honestly can't blame my relationship for my inability to do ALL these things well. I have to admit that maybe I am taking on more than I can handle all at once.

When I was at the height of my training for my first 10K, the only other thing I had in my life was work and my emotional recovery from my divorce. And the exercise was necessary to work through the emotional stuff. One fed the other. I still had my freelance, but it wasn't all that demanding.

Now I have a man and a house and a household and freelance projects and an ongoing jobsearch and a class to make me more valuable in the marketplace. AND I'm still working on the emotional stuff, the eating stuff, the baggage I still carry around with me from my childhood and past life as a married person. No wonder I'm fucking exhausted.

Tomorrow is another day. And I can make good choices going forward. No sense in beating myself up.

INHALE
EXHALE

xo
j

Candy Candy Everywhere...

2010-11-26T13:05:00.000-08:00

I have a really cool job. I don't always appreciate its really tedious, repetitive, irritating and irrational components/management, but I'd say over all, I am quite a lucky girl to get paid for what I do. (wish it was more $, but who doesn't wish that?) The issue is that while I have this cool job, ocassionally it's a detriment to my own well-being. Allow me to to illustrate;

I am a graphic designer for a financial institution and I am responsible for all the visual communications that go out for my organization. I create brochures and posters and billboards and web graphics and microsites and animations. Among my many other tasks, I am also tasked with creating point of sale displays for our branches. This holiday season I was tasked with doing a holiday spin on promoting Visa credit cards...JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER HOLIDAY SEASON PRIOR TO THIS FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS.

So I decided to shake things up a little and go CRAZY with the concept of promoting holiday shopping. I decided to do a Candy-Land themed display with giant "tree" cones with hundreds of pieces of colorful candy glued on them for ornaments. I found giant lollipops, monstrous tubes of taffy and bubble gum, great bins of gumdrops and non-pariel mints & chocolates, I picked up several bags of colorfully wrapped hershey kisses of all kinds. My criteria was, if it looked colorful and would reveal the ethereal child-like wonderland of a display I was going for, I put it in the cart.

After really going crazy with all the candy (over $200 of candy) I hauled my treasures back to the office. I got out the hot glue gun and proceeded to decorate myself silly. And so I did. The trees look amazing, the giant plastic credit cards are glued up on them at an angle, there's garland and sparkly stuff all over the pedestals and tops of the trees, there's giant jars and bowls and cups and glasses FILLED with all the beautiful candy. Willy Wonka would TOTALLY want me working for him.

So now that I am SURROUNDED by candy, I have to wait until I actually go out and install the displays next week. My issue is, the chocolate. I don't have a problem leaving all the other sugary fruity candies alone, but if there is chocolate and I can see it, it wants in my mouth. Over the past several days that this project has been going on, I have done alright... I take a handful of whatever flavor kisses I want and put them in my little green 4 oz bowl and I nibble on them. I haven't polished off a whole bag or anything. But it's stressful to be surrounded by all this "booty".

(I have to point out the obvious (or not SO obvious) irony of the booty. I mean, I eat the chocolate/ candy surrounding me and my ass gets bigger... it's a brilliant connection, no?)

I have plenty of healthy options around me. I have tunafish in my bottom drawer along with oatmeal packets, rye-krisp crackers, little cups of canned fruit, zingy-flavored almonds, coffee and sugarfree mocha making mix. I am prepared for such an emergency when I am surrounded sugary fattening treats and I am trying to keep it together. And it helps some.

But it doesn't keep the chocolate quiet. It's like a drumbeat from a jungle tribe of cannibals on the other side of the deserted island I'm stuck on. I know they are there, I know they are eventually coming for me, and I know that over all, they likely mean me harm.

I guess the upside is that I have power over my choices. I can choose to put in ear phones, crank up the volume on my ipod and drown out the beat of the little demons of deliciousness. The upside is that hershey kisses won't chase me with little spears, and I won't end up with my head on a stake, at least not at the hand of tiny pieces of colorfully wrapped chocolates.

____________________________________________________

Post-Turkey Day Update

Turkey day was calorically uneventful. We didn't cook. We went out to Black Angus. Altho I did start the day with a piece of pumpkin pie for breakfast (which makes an EXCELLENT breakfast, by the way), I had a lot of coffee, a little shot of baileys in one of the cups, I ate some taco innards on tortilla chips, and a few animal crackers. I had a martini in the afternoon. Then at dinner I had four grilled garlic shrimp on wild rice, and a bowl of baked potato soup. I ended the day with another piece of pie. I doubt I stayed under my 1200 calories, but I didn't go crazy over the top either. Tonight I have another opportunity to do so, assuming my band behaves itself. Right now, it's arguing with me about the cracker I just ate. We shall see.

Scrambled Eggs, Bacon & Pudding???

2010-11-18T11:32:00.000-08:00

Well, I started the morning out feeling pretty good besides being tired. Got some coffee in me and drove to work. My girl Valerie called and we chatted for a good 45 mins while I drove. I got into work and realized I was terribly, ravenously hungry. I went next door and got a serving of scrambled eggs and 3 pieces of bacon. Not a bad breakfast. Historically, I have had issues with scrambled eggs, but in my past several encounters with the egg, we have gotten along just fine. There were no skirmishes in the stoma. There was no bickering among the digestive parts and the egg.

Today was a different story. And I tried REALLY hard to ensure that all parties remained calm and collected. I ate with my tiny Barbie fork. I chewed excessively and swallowed slowly. I even had hot tea standing by in case some trouble broke out. Well, apparently the egg was in a mood this morning because my system fought back with a vengeance. Stomach instructed: "EVERYBODY OUT!" Even the hot tea- the peacemaker.

It was an unfortunate event that occurred during what was supposed to be a nourishing and protein-giving, hunger-satisfying little mini meal.

After the smoke had cleared and several cups of hot tea were sent in for damage control, I resorted to sugar-free pudding. Apparently, the breakfast of Champions. And boy, do I feel like a Champion. Ugh.

The End

Credits: I'd like to thank the lapband, stress, very little sleep, stretching myself too thin on a daily basis, hormones, and of course eggs- without whom this whole saga would not be possible...(unless it was bread)

Author's note: I am currently enjoying my three hour old bacon and finding that my stomach has decided to make peace with the pork. Good Stomach, GOOD.

Maintenance

2010-11-17T08:33:00.000-08:00

I have been reading a book called "When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies". It's about overcoming overeating and realizing that you can live a life without using food as a drug. I just read the chapter about how we associate shame and intimacy with food. Like some women don't like to eat in front of people because of fear of judgment... or it feels like you are letting people in on some very personal part of self-care for you. We food addicts associate our feedings with the kindest, most comforting thing we can do for ourselves...it's love in the form of nourishment. I have experienced that shame. I didn't eat in front of people for a long time... still don't like to really-at least people I don't know. And when I feed myself for comfort I am VERY self-conscious about who sees or realizes what I'm doing... as if I am doing something illicit and bad. When I want to veg out and eat even a healthy snack... I want to do it alone in the bedroom...I won't get what I need out of the experience if I do it in front of people. It's a weird thing.

I read last night about women who decide they are never dieting again and they let themselves eat whatever they want to. They are SUPPOSED to FILL their cupboards with foods that they love and seek out and rely on to get by. ANYTHING THEY WANT. It is SUCH a scary concept. Scary because if I were to do that, I might gain all my weight back. I might eat till I burst. Which isn't true with my lapband-obviously... but still the idea that NO food is illegal- even icecream- even cheetos- even fried things... it would be hard to feel THAT out of control.... to be surrounded by foods that I want all the time.

The point to living this way is for the foods to become commonplace and no longer a special ocassion item. To make these items so commonplace that you stop looking for them. That you stop yearning for them, and pay attention to what your body wants. Because you will start wanting real food...you will yearn for a salad and a lean cut of chicken. Even with all that booty around. It will no longer hold any power over you. I am afraid to conduct this experiment, yet I am oddly entranced by it.

I have to get ready for work now. I blogged instead of getting on my elliptical. Guess I'll be doing it when I get home tonight. GAH! The GUILT!

This Morning’s FREAKOUT

2010-11-09T10:38:00.000-08:00

I got to sleep at 11 last night, woke up at 6, that’s a decent amount of sleep. I got plenty of exercise yesterday although I didn’t eat very well (read: I didn’t eat enough until WAY too late in the day- to the point where I couldn’t function-not necessarily junk eating). So today, I get here (TO WORK) feeling awake enough, start working on studying XHTML & CSS some more and I just keep trying to fall asleep. I had my coffee. I had my second coffee. I had a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of nonfat yogurt. I kept dozing. I wanted to go home and sleep. I didn’t want to be here. I decided that eating something would help. (WHY would that HELP??? THAT NEVER HELPS!!!-NOT IN THE LONG RUN) I chose a package of mini-cookies from the “vending machine of death” and proceeded to snarf those down and that elevated me somewhat… but was a really temporary high. So I decided that I needed to eat the hershey’s kisses over there on my coworker’s desk. I think I ate about 15 because my stomach is not happy with me.

So this whole thing is one-part confessional, and one part strange out-of-body experience. Because I was AWARE the whole time I was doing this. I was MINDFUL of the poor choices I just made. I watched curiously as I popped piece after piece of chocolate into my mouth… trying to accomplish some sort of magical transition-I watched to see what happened. I was DESPARATE for some sort of way to pump myself up to the functioning level, at whatever the cost. It sort of worked… but now I am angry, sad, guilt-ridden, and still tired. Ahhh… the vicious circle of addiction! YAY!

I can’t just go home every time I feel this way… I might be “out sick” for weeks if I chose that path- not an option. I am taking my anti-depression meds on-time each day, I am taking my anti-anxiety meds on time each day. I am still not right. There is something going on really deep inside me. I wonder if it’s the weather change that is depressing me. I wonder if it’s just the stress of my situation that is depressing me (Cory was laid off…same story as many in the country---but a little bit of my history repeating in that I am the sole breadwinner for the household again-I NEVER wanted to be in this place again EVER). DUH---I wonder why I can’t keep to my commitment to keep away from my drugs. Example:

Last night- I didn’t feel like cooking, but was really hungry. Cory went to the store to pick up a few things and the SECOND I knew he was out the door, I was searching for the leftover Halloween candy. I didn’t over-do it thankfully- two snack kit-kats, two mini snack boxes of junior mints, but as soon as I had my fix I was able to wind down a little bit. Prior to the Halloween candy, I thought about making myself a drink. (It would have been a better choice calorically- 140 calories for a vodka-cran verses over 200 calories for the candy) But along with having a drink to “wind down” comes the stigma of alcoholism and in the end I’m just trading one drug (food) for another (vodka)…instead of killing the issue at the root.

The root is stress. The root is anxiety and fatigue. The root is a thick one that has grown deeply into every piece of me… and it’s insidious. My current methods are not working. I don’t know what to do really.

Not able to eat in the mornings.

2010-11-08T14:18:00.000-08:00

Today, not till 2. I also had to take an extra dose of xanax because my anxiety was just out of control. I woke up late, which was not a relaxing start to begin with. Took the bus, +1 to the low stress path …. So I should still be even in the stress score. Get to work, login, work on some stuff. Low key morning. Lots of stuff to do. Sick of listening to the man who sits across from me. Irritated by the face that the raspberry yogurt I just tried to eat doesn’t want to stay down. Irritation = stress for me. What do I do? I sit here and keep working instead of getting up and taking a break. I didn’t make a good choice for myself.

At 10 after 1, I finally made myself go out and take a very brisk walk up 5^th to Union to 3^rd and north to Macy’s. I tried to focus on breathing and keeping my breath constant with my stride… just like I do when I run. Seemed to help some. I tripped on cracks in the sidewalk every so often, or almost turn my ankle stepping off curbs. I’m like WTF?? Starting to feel shitty and cranky at this point… maybe because I haven’t eaten. I wander around Macy’s and decide to leave. I walk to Nordstrom and heading up the stairs to go get soup at the café, I trip, and fall up the stairs AGAIN! This time I didn’t hurt myself, caught myself before knees hit steps… just really bruised the ego again. Feeling ridiculous and out of sorts and depressed. My internal dialogue went something like this:

“Fuck! Jesus Jen, why can’t you walk or climb stairs? Hmmm… maybe because you are hungry and need to eat something so you can maintain your balance, dumb ass.” I was not kind to myself. So I get the soup, carefully make it down three flights of escalators without incident, and walk back to work arriving intact.

Sitting here after eating said soup, I am feeling better, more balanced, less like I want to just end it all. I am also half way through a banana. I am SO frustrated with my lack of taking care of me lately. Between moving this summer and the Halloween party I just threw, I have been completely ignoring my needs. I have been going through the motions. Not able to make myself sit down and concentrate on ME. Plan meals, plan workouts, plan things like hair appointments, dental appointments, etc. I just make certain I have money in my checking account, gas in my car, coffee in my house, that I get to work, that my freelance clients are cared for, that I continue to grow and nurture Cory & my relationship to the next levels, and that I consider working on my art/portfolio/personal interests every now and then. I feel as though I have abandoned me. It’s depressing.

Living alone it was easier, but also lonelier. I have to find the balance so I am not so stressed about my needs not being met all the time. This is something I have to do.

Plan for this evening:

Catch Bus

Go Home

Take Nap

Deal With Freelance Clients

Plan Meals for Week

Plan Workouts for Week

Take care of housekeeping (bills, etc.)

Relax

Go to bed EARLY.

We’ll see how this plan goes.

BREATHING….

Good news, the monkey can't eat it.

2010-11-03T12:51:00.000-07:00

Can't get the chips down. Worked out well. Lap-band saves the day again!

Monkey See, Monkey Eat

2010-11-03T12:17:00.000-07:00

I was just getting a cup of tea. No cream, no sugar, just black with some splenda. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a big bag of potato chips leftover from the party.

Just up there on top of the fridge.

Looming.

I knew if I tried to ignore them, they would continue to taunt me all day. Food does that to me.

I got a tiny bowl and got out a serving. I hid the bag from sight. Hoping this will take care of the problem. No deprivation, but also no going overboard. Some comfortable middle ground.

Why do I have to eat everything I see? I saw there are a mammoth amount of m&ms in a huge jar in the living room. I better deal with those too- although I don't feel their pull near as much. What is it about the sight of food that makes me think "ooh.... I HAVE TO put that in my mouth!"

I hate that. I hate being an addict. I hate the idea that I will have to fight this fight my whole life. It seems overwhelming. I guess the goal is to replace the food with something that's a healthy high. Running helps. Having a hobby or a goal outside of weight loss helps.

The other way to look at it is the way my therapist does, she decided she is no longer going to diet. And so that's exactly what she did. And she lost 30 pounds over the course of a year. I think that says a lot about what can happen when you take food out of the spotlight- as the star of the show in your life, and put it on the shelf with the other tools humans need to live. Make YOURSELF the star of the show. Make your needs the headliner. Put the old coping mechanisms in the closet and realize that you aren't that person any longer. It's truly inspiring to me to see and hear that it can be done. That it's a place that is achievable. It's comforting.

I have to go journal the chips now.

"Break A Leg" is not an appropriate good luck wish

2010-11-03T11:11:00.000-07:00

Well, Halloween party frenzy behind me, and the perfect storm of goodies, cakes, cookies and cocktails all around me mostly gone, I began the week with a new-found sense of optimism. I did a "clearing" of the house, banishing all the evil spirits a.k.a. JUNKFOOD from the house...taking them to work to fatten up those around me. I ran/ walked 3 miles Monday night and felt good about it. I talked to my cohabitators about some of my habits and how they might be changing (maybe spending more time alone and listening to my needs- nurturing myself in ways other than food)- and how it was not because of them, but because of my needs. I received good support. I was firmly pointed in the right direction. My path plotted. My journey continuing.

Then I went to Starbucks yesterday morning.

I didn't fall off the wagon and order 3 apple fritters and a venti breve chocolate chip frappuccino with extra whipped cream (which I would say is typically the most hazardous danger in going to Starbucks). No, I ordered a tall skinny hazelnut latte. I also ordered a grande skinny caramel latte for my boss (not an ass-kissing thing, just a reciprocal circle we are in). I got my drinks after wading through the masses of finely-coiffed women posing in impossibly high, uncomfortable shoes and huddled in their tight cliques, dodging zombie-like men and women all completely entranced by their iPhones, I pranced merrily up the stairs back to work...when I fell UP the STAIRS in the Starbucks.

I plunged knee-first onto the concrete stairs, then onto my hands and nearly my face. It felt as if time had stopped. It seemed like the happy singing of Ella Fitzgerald ceased, and the baristas suddenly quit steaming their milk, while the entire 35 people in Starbucks all stopped talking and looked at me. My back was to them, so all they saw was me splayed out on the stairs. Then, just like in the movies, everything continued as it was- music resumed, milk steaming continued, jabbering and talking again filled the air. I heard one person say, "oh my gosh, are you okay?" and I managed to mumble "yes, just a bruised ego".

My boss's drink went flying, mine was in my personal mug, sealed up, so no spillage there. The manager came to my aid, taking the empty latte cup and assuring me they'd replace the drink, and was I sure I was okay? An employee came with a mop and cleaned up the mess. All the while, I still didn't have the guts to turn and face the crowd of people. Finally I realized that my knee hurt. A LOT. Enough that I wanted to start crying like a 4 year old who has a boo-boo. Enough that while I awaited my drink replacement, I had to grip on to the railings of the stairs just to keep from falling again from shaking-as I navigated my way up the stairs slowly and out the door.

I limped the block and a half back to work and got myself back to my desk. I sat down. I rolled up my pant leg, and I saw a huge purple dent where my knee had struck the step, and a gigantic goose-egg forming up around it. A coworked fetched me some ice and I put my leg up. As I sat there, trying to breathe through the pain, I realized that if I was just bruised, or it was just a minor owee- the adrenaline would have kicked in by now, numbing the pain a little. Well, it just got worse. I tried to work and ignore it, but the shaking made it hard for me to control my mouse. I finally gave in and called boyfriend to come get me and take me to the doctor.

He came, we went, had xrays and discovered thankfully, that nothing was chipped or broken, and that I had just severely traumatized the tendon that attaches all my thigh muscles to all my lower leg muscles. The doctor said, painkillers, crutches for two days, and if it doesn't get better within that timeframe, come back. We went home, I was drugged up, slept for 3 hours, got up, ate some couscous, watched TV, fell asleep, watched more TV with boyfriend, went to bed.

So here I am. Feeling pretty good today. I graduated from the crutches this morning- that's how quickly things have healed. Now just a limp and half a painkiller to get me in a good place. Tomorrow I go back to work and I will start walking during my breaks to make sure I don't stiffen up. Hopefully, I will be able to resume my training for my next 5K next week. Till then, walking each night, or elliptical each night. Yesterday's eating went well as far as calories go... not so well as far as what i could keep down. Meds and this accident were enough to make me unusually tight.

This morning I am working from home. I have had a couple cups of coffee, I tried eating some Fiber One Cereal- which reminds me of Guinea Pig droppings- YUCK. They weren't too awful tasting, but they weren't going down either. So I drank the milk, tossed the cereal. Drinking tea now and hoping I can get this banana down. My other goal today is to make sure I don't bow to the call of the fridge. I don't have a LOT to do for work. I have laid out my newsletter and realized I don't have any of the pieces I need to work on a new mailing series we are doing next year. So I'm kind of done for the day. My plan is to keep checking my work emails, and getting up every so often to walk around so I don't stiffen up too much.

I don't know what to take from this experience other than be careful going up the stairs. There's no karmic connection, no hidden message here. Just a life happening. And I have to carry on with keeping to what's most important. I am grateful that most of the shitty food is out of the house so I am not tempted to eat it. That helps.

Okay, I have reached the blathering stage. Time to quit writing.
Back to reality... or rather, ON with reality.

J

Derelict Blogger

2010-09-21T17:07:00.000-07:00

Wow... over a year since I posted. How much has changed? Well, everything really.

In this past year I have run a 10K, gotten a tummy tuck, moved in with my boyfriend, bought a new car, paid off my student loans, bought a house with my boyfriend, run a 5K, and gained 20 lbs over the summer. It's been interesting.

I ran the Lake Union 10K August of 09. I got my tummy tuck in November of 09. It took a LOT out of me. I didn't realize what major surgery could do to a body. I am STILL recovering. My body looks great now and I am no longer ashamed of it. It's really freeing. After my surgery, I spent several weeks at boyfriend's house recouping and we decided moving in would be a good next step since I was spending all my time there anyway. So I moved. Spent christmas there, bought a new car in April a new Mini Cooper that I adore (it has ZEBRA STRIPES! YAY!) Then Cory and I started looking at houses and ran across one in mid May. It was a quick decision and we had a house come July. It's beautiful here and my commute is really easy. We are still getting settled in... stuff everywhere. A few weeks ago I ran another 5K after having not trained well... and I did okay... 34.31 minutes... but not great. I am again in training for my next 5K come November. In the meantime, I am also planning a monster bash for our Housewarming Halloween Party. Need to get invitations done and out to all my people.

As far as my weight loss progress goes, well I went backwards. I was too full for a long time too long and had been doing maladaptive eating for months (liquid calories were my mainstay- THERE IS A REASON YOU NEED TO AVOID LIQUID CALORIES!!). I gained 20 lbs before I realized it and now I am slowly whittling myself back down to where I was. I need to lose the 20 just to get back to where I was when I had surgery. I need to lose an additional 20 to get to my GOAL weight. The one prescribed by the doctors. I have decided that I am doing it now. No more distractions, excuses, etc. I have all the knowledge and tools I need to get to that goal. Something tells me that my body will not want to STAY at this supposed "optimum" goal weight, but I will get there and see how my body reacts. All I know is that I cannot revert to old patterns to cope with my stress if I want to stay thin and healthy. And I need to do it before I hit 35 otherwise, it gets more and more difficult to do.

I talk about it like it's a destination when it's a journey. It's a thing I will battle my whole life. Actually I don't like the way that sounds. I am not battling. I don't want to battle. This lifestyle change is something that I want to dedicate myself to for my whole life... because I am happier, more healthy, more inspired, and my most authentic self when I take care of my body. I can feel it in my aching tendons and muscles and my tired bones! (LOL-tonight was a yoga class followed by 2.5 miles of running)

I'll get to my next chapter. I am worth the effort.

Update from the slacker blogger

2009-06-11T23:35:00.000-07:00

So last time I posted on here it was something like October or November of 08. Here we are and it's June of 09. I have had a whirlwind um..."adventure" I guess you could call it. I did end up moving back to Colorado briefly looking for work, looking for stability, looking for some solid ground in some place. I think honestly, I was looking for a band-aid. Some way to not have to deal with being alone and really accepting that we are ALL alone in this world. But right before I did that, I reconnected with Matt again and we decided to try to reconcile. He came out in March and packed me up and brought me back to Seattle. 3 weeks in or so, I realized that NOTHING had changed between us. He was still who he was, I was COMPLETELY different and needed/required different things than he was able/prepared to give me. So I decided that between that and his ex-girlfriend still being VERY much in the picture, I was unprepared to be second best EVER again. So I threw in the towel. I gave up. I moved out and said goodbye. It was my choice, but I had to do it for my sanity and for the good of all the progress I had made the year prior. He and I don't fit anymore. And I guess that's okay, but it's still sad and still hard and still really unfathomable after 17/18 years together. What the fuck?

Anyway, so in June of 09 I am still moving along towards getting to my goal weight. Well, moving along isn't really accurate- I am just hovering where I am. I want very much to keep moving, but it is slow and difficult because of the stress I experience frequently. If I DO get a fill, I often have to go in and have it removed because of the inability to keep things down. And the sucky thing is the stress comes and goes and is NOT predictable in the least. So I never know when the rollercoaster is headed into the super low dip and I'll be dragging my ass along the ground for days and days until suddenly it elevates again.

This is the beauty of the ride when one upheaves their life to the extent that I have. Who knows when "normal" will ever come back? I am hopeful that someday soon it will. In the meantime, I am at least able to maintain my weight with exercise and staying busy. Also it helps that I don't watch TV- I don't want to snack if I don't watch TV. It's a great solution and I am much more productive without the idiot box sucking up all my time.

One new development is that NWWLS is now offering abdominoplasty. I actually have an appointment next week to have a consultation for this procedure. It's something that I never thought that I would be interested in doing, but since losing so much after being overweight for SO many years, my skin will not spring back to where it should be. SO- I am thinking of the tummy tuck as a final step towards my new body. It would be nice to be able to run without the extra skin, etc. flopping around on me, it would be nice to be able to wear shirts tucked into my jeans with a belt and not have to worry about the belly roll showing up and looking terrible. Additionally, I don't think I have a memory of when my belly button actually was exposed to air EVER. I would love it if my belly was such that my belly button was visible when I stood up straight and possibly even pierce-able at some point down the line assuming the texture of my belly is tolerable. I know that stretch marks are forever, but at least a flatter tummy will be something I can be proud of and feel MUCH more secure in my body. I think it would be something that would really change how I feel about myself...even more, if that's possible.

So that's the update for now. Training for a 5K this September. Hoping to get on schedule for training for that once my new tattoo heals and I can get my running shoes back on. I think it will be an amazing experience and I can't wait to have that accomplishment under my belt.

Just talked with McG for a few minutes and I feel like I have some closure. That man is the sweetest I have met. He's real and I love that.

Here's to a healthier me both physically and mentally- in a few months at the least.

Much overdue update

2008-12-21T22:20:00.000-08:00

What can I say? I'm still here. Last month I celebrated my 1 year band-o-versary and am holding steady at 70 lbs down. My progress changed significantly when I got into my divorce, a new boyfriend, a lot of guilt and stress and mourning of my old life and relationship. I tend to internalize my stress or sadness or anger and it all goes to my stomach ironically. My band gets too tight for me to keep even liquids down sometimes. But I am learning how to deal with this in a healthy way as best I can.

A year out, I can certainly say it has been a challenge. I have been so lucky to have this tool to help me get to healthier places in my life. But I have to do the work- and the work never stops. Just as before I had the lap-band, I have to pay very close attention to what I put in my mouth, I have to be aware and present when I am eating to make sure I take small bites, chew well, and am EXPERIENCING eating, so that I feel full and satisfied. I have to exercise regularly-which is a habit I have picked up in running- I try to go every other day if I can. It provides a stress release, a sense of accomplishment, and a meditative quality.

I have to learn to quell old bad behaviors-eating from boredom, stress, sadness, etc. Those old methods of coping do not go away once the lap-band has been implanted. Sadly, they aren't able to surgically remove those tendencies, those old comforting mechanisms. I struggle with this every day. I still tend to want to eat in front of the television- and the thing is if I do- I'm not present for my eating and then I continue to eat- I tune out all my body's signals that I have had enough, that I am full, that I am OVERfull, and then I end up feeling guilty and miserable and VERY uncomfortable. This is something that can be helped by eating on a regular schedule (or at least within a timeframe), journaling my food, not getting over-hungry, and by drinking enough liquids. Writing all this down, it occurs to me that I know EXACTLY what to do to kick my progress in the ass, I have just been too preoccupied or lazy or procrastinating to do it.

I think I might be in need of a small fill. Just something to get me back on track. After my 1 year, I have to pay $125 for each fill, but considering the upcoming changes (moving) and craziness (relationship changes), it might be a while before I can get another fill. I want to really listen closely to my body the next few days and see if it really wants a fill, or if I just need to firm up my commitment to myself. (honestly, I need to do that anyway)

I am really upset that my progress has stalled in such a major way. I have gained weight instead of going down or even holding steady. Granted, it has only been 10 pounds since my lightest in July, but this is unacceptable. There is no reason I can't get to my goal. I have the drive and smarts and ability to get myself there. I just need to crack down and make it, MAKE ME- a top priority again.

So here I am. It's still me. I've grown and changed and learned and made HUGE mistakes, and I am still standing. I just stand taller and look you in the eyes these days. And I won't bat and eye about saying what I want.

This year has been a blessing, and I am grateful.

Catch Up

2008-05-25T10:38:00.000-07:00

It's been WAY over a month since my last post. I've been busy with work and school and meeting new people and the like.

As far as the band goes, progress has slowed significantly. I think it's mostly because of my lack of regular exercise. I was running/walking every day religiously and the weight was continuing to come off. I've been preoccupied with some things and haven't been getting that regular workout in more than twice a week (tops) for a good month now. So I've taken some steps to ensure that this lack of regular exercise doesn't continue. I need the exercise, I need the meditation that it provides, I need to continue to see progress on my weight loss journey-just so I can feel like I'm grounded in some way.

I have been having some issues with tightness in my band recently and I suddenly realized that I wasn't following one of the major rules in band-land. SMALL BITES. So I've been very diligent in making sure that I do this and things have gone much better in that arena. I'm still really tight in the morning, but I think that's to be expected.

What else? Umm...I've been continuing to struggle with what my new life is these days. Perhaps struggle is a strong word for it- acclimate might be more appropriate. Things are very different for me these days. I sometimes miss the comfort of the known and the solid, but I know that change=growth for me. And so I must go through it and do my best to be happy and extract the juice from it all.

I head to Colorado for a few days on June 13. I get to see my family for the first time since last Christmas. I was a little over a month post-op so I didn't look that different. I think they will be blown away at how I look and act and feel now. I keep trying to tell myself that actually it doesn't matter what they think and that I don't care- but somewhere inside deep- I do. I know they will be supportive, and I know that if they aren't I can tell them to fuck off and catch the next plane back to Seattle. Living away from family is both a curse and a blessing- I miss them sometimes, but am grateful they can't meddle in my life.

While I'm in Colorado, I am going with my girl Valerie to see Ani DiFranco in a very small venue in Aspen. I am SO psyched! Considering I couldn't bring myself to go to her show when she was here (SO SAD- the whole front row seats surprise- I just would have thought about Matt the whole time- it would have been too terrible for me), I am lucky and grateful to have a second chance to see her play in a small venue.

Well- having just returned from a run, I am starting to cool down to the point of getting cold. I'm going to hit the shower, get some coffee and see where the day takes me.

Jenepher

Rough Time

2008-04-06T10:44:00.000-07:00

Well, here we are kids. More changes with the changes and the changes. I am officially separated once again. It was my choice, I instigated it, but it still makes me sad, confused, upset, disoriented, guilty, etc. I will get through this. I think the hardest part for me is just knowing that I am upsetting Matt's life entirely. I did this for me. I couldn't factor him into my decisions anymore. I have been unhappy for years and years, and I have been unsure and unhappy since our reconciliation for a month. I know this sort of shit happens all the time- and usually under worse circumstances- but it only helps a little bit.

In the world of the band, things are not great. I am getting stuck on pretty much anything solid. Yesterday, the only thing I was able to ingest was a large SFV nonfat latte, a biscotti, a few bites of fish with olives & tomatoes, about 3 chocolate graham crackers and some milk. I tried to eat stuffed mushrooms, I tried to eat the top of some pizza- nothing doing. Barfed all that shit up pretty much right away. Maybe I am just upset, maybe I am just dehydrated from going out on Friday night, maybe anything.... but it's annoying nonetheless. Most annoying is when I go out for a run, I am unable to go very long because I literally don't have the energy to keep going. Last time I went out I almost passed out at one point. I think I might have to do protein drinks today just to get by. My unfill is scheduled for tomorrow morning. I hope that helps- but doesn't mess up my weight loss progress. I have to consider that I have lost an enormous amount of weight in 4 months- WAY more and at a pace much faster than expected by anyone including me.

I think I am just afraid of going back to that old weight- that old life- that old me. There is an element of comfort in the idea of it, but I am such a whore for change and progress, that I couldn't ever go back. I dunno. Change is uncomfortable and exhilarating and hard. That is my theme apparently.

I'm heading out for some walking meditation. It's kind of crappy and cold out- but I don't care. I need my fix.

Jenepher

One-der Land Baby!

2008-03-28T23:25:00.000-07:00

Well, after a crazy few days of vacation, I stepped on the scale today and discovered I had slipped quietly into One-der Land! This is the first time since I think high school that I weigh under 200 lbs. It wasn't too hard to do this week because I have been having a hard hard time with my band. My body has switched over to not wanting to eat anything before 1 or 2 p.m. If I try to eat anything before that time, it gets stuck and comes back up. Not fun- especially if I am truly feeling hungry. But I try to supplement with plenty of coffee and water and sometimes I can get yogurt down if I feel like I'm going to lose it if I don't get something in my belly.

Spent the week running around like crazy with my best girl Valerie and her 2 yr old boy Evan. It was QUITE the workout just keeping up with Evan. He's an adorable tornado. I really enjoyed spending an extended period of time around him. It was neat to watch how he'd pick things up quickly or try to repeat what you were saying or singing. At one point we had him singing some Kanye West. (get down girl, go 'head get down)

Anyway I managed to drag my sorry ass out of bed only ONCE the whole week and go walking. It was a nice walk and it definitely smelled like Colorado- sounded like Colorado (doves cooing in the trees).

Looking forward to getting back to my regular schedule. I'll go walking tomorrow at some point to meditate and stretch out. I'm also going to see if I can reschedule my hair appointment.

I'm exhausted and going to bed now. Take Luck!

Teeny-Tiny Bites

2008-03-19T23:58:00.000-07:00

Well, still have cranky stoma. Some days are better than others though, so I'm still trying to figure it out.

Monday was ok- some salmon dip on 2 rye krisps for breakfast, americano, latte, then some meatball soup which was ok, Dinner went ok. Husband and I went to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse for the first time. It was SUPER swanky, which translates to SUPER expensive, but the experience was well worth it. I really enjoy fine dining and trying new flavors and things I wouldn't normally try. Anyway, no getting stuck on nice expensive dinner- although I was eating very carefully and taking little bites.

Tuesday was ok too. Salmon dip on 3 rye krisp for breakfast, americano, latte, some meatloaf for lunch which got stuck- so I had a protein drink on hand. Got stuck on smoked almonds much later on in the afternoon-but not the almond m&ms that were sitting out. It is SO frustrating that I don't get stuck on things like chips or chocolate-the things that I WANT to get stuck and have to avoid at all costs. Got home and ate some leftover steak and that went fine again. Wasn't feeling very well and went to bed early.

Today, salmon dip breakfast, latte, americano, was super busy all day and had a late lunch-meatball soup, which went down fine- and I was able to eat 1 and a half cups of it or so- which is a big portion- so I need to pay good attention to my portion sizes from here on out-if they are growing- I need a fill. Tonight, went to class and it was the last class- so it was pizza & beer night- neither of which I can ingest- so I sipped a Pellegrino orangina and nibbled on a granola bar from my bag. Got home late (10:30 or so) and was feeling ravenous. Still had some more leftover steak to eat and was upset about my day at work and was talking to Matt about it- and wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and was eating BIG bites and of course, I got stuck. But I felt like I still needed to eat because I was hungry to I just kept eating smaller and smaller bites- but it wasn't getting better.

I ended up barfing up my SUPER expensive steak, then tried to eat some pecans, NO- barfed them up too. Then I tried to eat some Raisin Bran and milk thinking- soft food- NO- barfed that up too. SO I gave up and drank a cup of coconut chai tea & milk which really soothed my cranky tummy- then was able to eat a snack cup of sugar-free tapioca pudding and keep that down. I called it a night- what a shitty dining experience.

So the lessons learned from this week are:

PAY ATTENTION to how you are eating- really BE there and watch what you are doing.

Small, toddler-sized bites are best

CHEW and chew and chew until there is nothing that can get stuck

Regardless of the sticking issues- avoid the liquid calories at all costs.

Soft food if you can combine it with some solid; salmon dip on krisp bread

Pay attention to your soft stop signals- this is why you must PAY ATTENTION when you eat!

Tomorrow I plan on salmon dip for breakfast- am out of meatball soup (which was an EXCELLENT recipe by the way)- so will have to try meatloaf again- TINY BITES. We'll see how it goes. Maybe if I do a little meatloaf and then a few green beans. Protein then produce. Gotta get back to the basics.

I wonder if I've lost any weight this week. Since I haven't been able to eat so well- and I've been working out- maybe I have.

Well... best get to bed. I have a long day ahead and then I have to PACK for my trip to see my GIRL!!

WOOHOO!

Barf-o-matic

2008-03-13T13:14:00.000-07:00

That's right, it slices, it dices, it barfs up everything you throw at it! It's the amazingly cranky, super picky, not-eating-anything-you-feed-me stoma! It's my fault really, I tried to feed it a tortilla. I figured if I grilled it and made it really crunchy I might be able to get away with it, but no fooling the cranky stoma. I barfed up what I could and tried some vegetable soup, and it didn't want that either (which is really unusual). I have given up on eating. Just drinking a latte now. Hopefully it won't want to fuss about that too.

I'm 2 days post-op from kidney stone surgery. Fun fun fun! It's been one long drugged-out day with tiny pieces of night woven into it. I'm exaggerating, it's actually been fine. I've been on vicodin regularly, but I'm in my right mind for the most part. I've just been napping a lot, and when I'm not napping, I'm working on my homework or my portfolio pieces. So far so good.

Eating has been uneventful till today. Yesterday was apple & peanut butter- got stuck, couldn't eat it, then ate a few grapes- those went ok, ate some soup, crackers. No big whoop. This morning at 7 I was ravenously hungry, I had some yogurt with raisin bran mixed in, and usually, I do fine with that- it's got lots of fiber so it keeps me satisfied- but I got distracted by my email and it sat for too long- it turned into a big lump of cement in my bowl. I had to toss it out. I started feeling crappy again and went back to bed at 8:30 or so.

One sucky thing about this recovery period is not being able to go on my walks. It really is uncomfortable to walk with this stent in. I think I get to take it out tomorrow. I wish I could take it out now now now! It doesn't hurt, but is uncomfortable and makes me feel like I have to pee all the time. That's no fun.

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to post something so I could bitch- at least that's how it looks to me. I'll take another whack at eating something in a few hours. Stupid cranky stoma.

Jha

KidneySaurus Rex

2008-03-11T05:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, it's 20 after 5 in the morning, give a girl a break- I couldn't think of ONE title to put in there. I suppose it is appropriate as I am going in this morning to have surgery on a stuck kidney stone. It's been such a weird and random health event for me. Had the stone about a month ago, (THE WORST PAIN EVER IN MY LIFE) and then have been trying to pass it since then. Not so much with the passing. It seems my body finds a good looking jewel and wants to keep it. I'm feeling a little nervous, but mostly just tired. Slept like shit last night. I was awake every 2 hours or so. I think I was worried about missing my alarm or something. Honestly, I think I slept better the night before my band surgery. Ironic huh?

So life with the band has been good. I broke down and got another fill after over a month being at the same place. I just wasn't feeling like I needed an adjustment.. was satisfied with small portions... BUT I started looking for food again at night. So that's a red flag that maybe things aren't as tight as they need to be. I got another .25 cc and that brings me to 6 total. (my APS holds 10) I'm doing great on my loss- down 60 pounds officially! I feel so good and so confident. It's like a whole new me. I am grateful for everything I have, but I am especially grateful to have this experience. It's been awesome.

On the barfing front, things have been busy. It seems the things my band will tolerate changes from day to day. I seem ok with broccoli again, scrambled eggs are okay as long as I chew well. Lately smoked almonds have been giving me trouble, banana was giving me trouble, noodles are a no-go, french fries are also not working, and last night I ate the top off a piece of hawaiian pizza and that got stuck almost instantly. So it's just trial and error at this point. I know to steer clear of breads and pasta and I'll wing it with everything else.

I bought two skirts this weekend- SIZE 12 baby! Ow! It's amazing. I'm able to wear standard size hosiery again, and normal tshirts (size L) from Old Navy. Last weekend, I went out dancing with the girls and I wore my jeans and a tank top with the built in shelf bra- spaghetti straps, and felt perfectly comfortable and good looking. It was like a miracle. I would NEVER have bared my arms like that before.

I've been exercising every day now for months. It has become therapy or meditation for me. I need that time alone with my iPod and my sneakers. I need the chance to be alone, clear my head and just walk. If I am feeling especially energetic and goal-oriented, I will run. I've been running pretty frequently lately. It's good. I feel like I might need to ramp it up and get something to track my distance so I can push myself further. I try to pay attention to how many blocks I run, but I lose track and get kind of lost in the feeling of running. I can't explain. Anyway, may have to get that thing that Nike offers to go on my iPod. I'll look into it.

Well, I best get moving for surgery. Leave here in 30 minutes.

jen

Crazy Lap Band Chronicles

2008-02-18T23:09:00.000-08:00

Well, I haven't been on in a while, and again, so much has changed. My husband and I were able to find some middle ground and have reconciled. Life is totally different than it was before. I feel like a new leaf has really been turned over and that there has been a power shift of some kind. I finally feel like I have some pull and some influence over where my life goes and how it is lived. It's really a good feeling. So we are back to working towards the goal of selling the house and building a life from scratch over on the Seattle-side of the sound. This weekend I painted the kitchen, Matt went to TOWN on cleaning out the terraced gardens- he did AWESOME- and we really had a productive few days. I even took Saturday for myself and stayed at the apartment doing my thing- then went out on Saturday night. It was a great weekend. I can't even remember the last time I had a great weekend when Matt was involved. I think we have made some headway.

The lapband is working great. Still satisfied with small portions, haven't had an additional fill since 1-26 (I think) and am cruising along fine. This past week the band has been SUPER tight though. It's been really hard to gauge what I can and can't tolerate. Much to my surprise I couldn't tolerate a poppy seed muffin on friday, or broccoli or scrambled eggs this weekend. I did fine with grilled porkchops cut into tiny little toddler-size bites, though. Also, just waking up in the morning, I feel tight- so having something hot to drink first thing feels really good.

These past couple weeks have been rough as far as getting the right things to eat. I have been sick with kidney stones, have been dealing with emotional turmoil of my marriage on the rocks, and have been super busy between classes, plans with friends, etc. I'm not always making the right choices as far as food goes. I have also been falling back into medicating with food in the evenings. I am going to address this with my therapist this week. I need to find a new comforting strategy. On Friday I had a major backslide into my old crappy food behaviors. I stopped at QFC and bought just shit- I bought a small package of Pepperidge Farm raspberry shortbread cookies, I bought a small bag of cheddar corn, I bought a 3-musketeers bar, and a tube of pringles. I don't even remember why I stopped in the first place. I think it might have been to get toilet paper, actually. But I ended up buying all this shit, going home and eating a little of everything. I was SO uncomfortable- felt SO sick, and was SO disappointed in myself. I guess they never surgically removed my tendency to comfort myself with food. That behavior is still in there. I guess the best I can do is remember that it's okay to buy myself some of that food once in a while, but never more than one or two items- and I'm only allowed to eat it after I have worked out- so that my appetite is dimmed as much as possible. There has to be a way to control this. I have made SO much progress- I will not let this beat me.

These past few weeks, I haven't been bringing my lunch to work. I have been subsisting on the innards from gyros (that are too expensive and too big- I always end up tossing half of it), tomato soup from Nordstrom Cafe, or salads from Courthouse Cafe. I am also not getting breakfast as often as I should be. I had vegetable quiche from the little italian coffee shop two times this past week- and those pastry shells are just LOADED with fat and carbs. My goal is to bring SOMETHING I can pass off as breakfast every day this week. I think I can do it as my stock stands in the kitchen tonight. I have some salmon spread that I can eat on crispbreads, I have bananas, apples & peanut butter, some yogurt, and I can always whip up some oatmeal. I feel like I need to get back to the basics.

Well, other than that, life is good. I am packing up my old work clothes that are still in excellent shape and I am mailing them off to my bff Valerie. I know she can get good use of them. It will be like christmas! I am sending off something like 4 boxes. Enjoy sweet girl!

To bed with me now.

jenepher

Don't just stand there, bust a move

2008-01-26T19:12:00.000-08:00

My latest fill on the 16th has plopped me right into the green zone, I do believe. Very satisfied with small portions, so satisfied I forget to eat from time to time. I have been doing pretty well with choosing band-friendly food. Except for one surprise: On Thursday night, I was heading out the door on the way to pick up a friend to head to IKEA. I was eating a quick little dinner of lemon pepper fish filet, and a few spoonfuls of fruit cocktail. The fish went fine, the cocktail got stuck in a major way. I was astounded that canned pears, peaches and pineapple would get stuck. I ended up having to yack that back up, and then I was good to go. I like how when I do PB, I don't feel ill afterward. It's just like coughing or sneezing, then you feel fine again.

I have been exercising regularly as usual. Haven't been running because it's SO cold outside. If I do go out to walk, it's only now and then and I don't run because my lungs always feel funny after running when it's really cold. I've been hitting the stationary bike instead.

Today I have hit a milestone. I am down 50 pounds. I got banded on 15, November of 07. I am astounded at how well this is working, how good I feel, and how grateful I am to have been able to do this for myself. It's such a gift.

I'm heading out in a few minutes to go dancing with some friends! I can't wait! I haven't been dancing in SO long!

More later! Long live the band!

Jen

Changes with the changes and the changes

2008-01-20T10:32:00.000-08:00

Well, changes have come. I don't even know where to begin, there have been such huge changes with me. I'll start with the band news. On Jan 9, I went in for a fill, they put in .5 cc and things were ok for a day. I started to really get hungry between meals and my hunger was popping up every 2 hours or so. I am supposed to be going without eating for at least 4 hours at a time. My meal sizes felt like they were increasing- certainly past the 1/2 cup point, and I was grazing at night, which is a big warning sign that it's time for a fill.

So I went in on the 16th and got another fill. The fill nurse was surprised to hear that I was feeling hungry and that my meal sizes were getting larger because I had lost 5 lbs in that week. (more on why later) So she added another .25 cc and sent me on my way. So far things are good. I feel full much faster and don't get hungry as often. I think we are pretty close the green zone.

I ended up getting stuck with some tortilla the other day. That was unpleasant. It just sat above my stomach like a brick. I was driving and eating-a breakfast burrito from mcdonalds (which was my best option from there- I didn't want a muffin or biscuit, but I HAD to eat something right then) anyway, a few bites and I was plugged. I drove for 15 minutes more, pulled over and yacked it back up. MAN was that a relief. It just feels so awful when it sticks. Yesterday, I ate some turkey meatloaf too quickly and got stuck again. Meatloaf usually slides right on through, but it was a big bite, I was in a hurry to get out the door, and I swallowed too soon. I had to bring that back up too, and was really glad I did.

So I am learning slowly about applying some of the bandster rules that didn't apply before I was adjusted properly. Still feeling great, the tenderness from my port is pretty much gone (unless i'm laying on it in yoga class- it's like laying on your keys- OUCH!) Things are good in that department.

The second and largest change is that I have separated from my husband. We have been separated for a little over a week and it has been hard not going back to my old habits of eating to comfort myself. Luckily I don't have crap here to eat, so that helps. I notice that at night I feel like I need some vital comfort and I reach for food. Even if I am NOT hungry. It's bad. So dealing with a huge trauma like that really brought up some deeper issues for me to tackle. I have to invent new ways to make myself feel comfort. Hot beverages work (tea, SF hot chocolate), but it doesn't always. If I begin to feel munchy I will take myself out for a long walk. I have been walking for about 1 our at a time, exploring the neighborhoods around my apartment and enjoying the music and the alone time. But sometimes I get back and still feel like I need some comfort. It's a challenge.

Thirdly, I have run out of prozac, and cannot get more unless I see my doctor in Poulsbo- where I don't live anymore. So I think that has played a role in me feeling lost about how to cope with things. Maybe things are weighing on me even more because I don't have the help with my depression.

So I have contacted the therapist at NWWLS, Linda Ayers, and will be starting to see her regularly. She can also prescribe some prozac which I am hoping will help me. I know it won't perform miracles, hell, my marriage is ending! But it will help to have someone to talk to, and some medication support.

So far into this journey of single life, I am doing okay. Have tried to stay busy. As long as I do that, I feel good. Yesterday was a good day. I went out for my hour long outing around Greenwood, then came back, went out to Fred Meyer to pick up a mop and some lighting hanging hardware, a shower curtain, etc. I came back here and CLEANED THE FUCK out of this place. Rearranged the furniture, put away the weird computer crap of Matt's in the closet, Took the two twin beds we had been sleeping on and stacked them so now I have a like a princess and the pea thing going on. It's like sleeping on a really tall layer cake. Mmmmmm...... I am making this place my own. It feels good to do that. If feels cathartic. It feels like the kind of thing I have been waiting to do for a long time.

I miss having a companion from time to time, but I keep going back to the memory of the way things were and how unhappy I have been. Each time I examine it, I think I am making the right choice for me. Yes, it's sad, and it hurts, but we will both heal, and move on to be happier people. I truly believe this.

Gotta head for now,

Navigating Away From Old Behaviors

2008-01-06T20:58:00.000-08:00

I am two days out from my third fill. I am grateful for this since I am only getting about 2 hours of fullness out of each meal. This makes things difficult- staying on track- not eating that chocolate at work, not going crazy and buying a venti raspberry mocha with extra whip. I haven't gone off the deep end yet. I have been able to keep things under control for the most part.

Saturday was a challenging day. I had two dippin' eggs and one piece of toast. Apparently, after some research and experiencing it for myself firsthand- some bandsters have issues with eggs. But I didn't really have an issue with the eggs- I don't think so at least. But the toast was another story. I think maybe I could do it if I toasted it twice and ate only half. The full piece was either too much, or too bread-like for my stomach's liking. I didn't feel good after eating that.

I then had a tall skinny mocha from sbux. They decided to shake things up a bit and have you order anything that is a sugar-free, nonfat as a "skinny". Apparently they also have a sugar-free mocha syrup and have for quite sometime. So I gave it a whirl. It was ok. Not super great. But nice to have something chocolatey. I really miss the toffee-nut lattes. I wish they would make a sugar-free version of that. It's delightful. Anyway- had my skinny mocha, and went shopping at Old Navy. I needed some new tshirts and sweaters. All my black t's are stained or shot to hell or too big. So I got a short sleeve, long sleeve, two ribbed-knt turtlenecks in black and one in burgundy, and a pink sweater that's too big for me, but it was on super-sale and I always want a BIG sweater when I'm cold. Anyway- it was a pleasing shopping experience. I swung by Kohls for the first time too (the first time in Silverdale- I have been in a Kohls before). I didn't find anything I really wanted there. They have nice things, but I think I ran out of energy to try things on, etc.

Came back home and was extremely hungry. I threw together some wild rice, onions, garlic and chicken stock in a pan and simmered it. After the rice was done, I added chopped broccoli and some chopped chicken feta & spinach sausages. Let it cook together a while. It was really good. I ate some of that, and felt like I wanted dessert. (which is unusual for being banded- you don't typically want to eat ANYTHING after your meals) So I had two scoops of low-carb peppermint icecream with some whipped cream and crumbled a piece of leftover homemade fudge on top. It was divine. Not so much with the weight-loss friendly, but divine anyway. After sitting for a while and letting my food settle, I went out for a walk/run. I ran .6 miles this time and turned around. It started raining like CRAZY as I was headed back, so I went as fast as I could. Even though I have a waterproof jacket, it was COLD!

Later in the evening, I was sitting doing some beading and watching tv and I started to get snacky. I ate roasted pistachios, then after half an hour, I drank some crystal light, then I had some air-popped popcorn, then more icecream- but halfway through it- I realized I was actually HUNGRY- not snacky. So I dumped the rest of the icecream and made myself some chili (half a can) with one cut-up hot dog. It was good. Spicy, but good.

Much later in the evening, I got snacky again and headed for the gingersnaps in the pantry. I was definitely doing mindless eating. I realized it and went to bed. I wasn't doing myself any good by staying awake.

I actually THREW AWAY a black tshirt today. I NEVER do that. I ADORE MY BLACK T-SHIRTS! I still feel all guilty about it. I must have a weird clothing attachment. It ought to be interesting when I have to toss out all my fat clothes and start fresh. It will either be fun, or really hard. I am betting on fun.

I went for a SUPER long walk tonight. After a fight with the husband over taking 2 cars to the apartment, and having a nice drive alone with Ani & John Mayer, I needed to get the heck out of here and bust my buns. (plus I didn't want to be here when husband got back over here) I took my typical walking route and ran maybe 1 or 2 blocks more than last time I ran there. I took a breather and ran a few more blocks, but I could feel my legs starting to cramp up and I went ahead and stopped running. Then I decided to turn my music off and just walk quietly and talk to myself about my marriage and my feelings and the things I want. I have been to enough therapists to be able to guide myself through some examinations of my feelings and needs. It worked pretty well. I still feel like I need to write out what I came up with for easy recall, but it was good anyway. As I did some "therapy", I continued to walk reverse of my route and then wound my way around some other lower streets. It was good and I am tired. I forgot to set my stopwatch when I started out, so I don't really know how long I was out. Doesn't really matter- just as long as I get my workouts in.

Before my workout tonight, I had a few pieces of turkey meatloaf, a few bites of the rice & broccoli, and a piece of dark chocolate. I am enjoying some decaf chai now and I think I may have one more piece of dark chocolate before I head to bed.

That's all I have now. Mind empty.

jen

My First Stuck Food Fun

2008-01-03T21:25:00.000-08:00

Since I had my second fill yesterday, the flow of my food and drink has been fairly uneventful. Tonight, after working late, and arriving home. I got dressed to go out and workout, but I wanted to get some protein in beforehand. I took out a thin slice of ham, put some dijon mustard on it, and rolled it up. I was eating quickly because I wanted to get out the door and I swallowed too much, too soon. It all piled up in my esophagus and just sat there like a lump. I felt like maybe I could get it to go down if I drank something- so I had a few drinks of milk. When that didn't work, I carefully cleared out the sink, and turned on the water. I had to work on it a little, but it came up pretty easy. It was a bizarre sensation- throwing up without being nauseous. I had no urge to throw up other than the urge to get the ham up. It was very uncomfortable and ached.

After I felt like I was done- it still felt like there was a little sitting there. I had just gotten off the phone from making dinner reservations, but started to feel like I wasn't going to be able to enjoy dinner tonight. I called and cancelled. I made some hot tea and tried to relax.

I felt better and we went and got some dinner at a seafood place down in Ballard. We had the halibut fish & chips. It was ok. The prices were high and I would have enjoyed a bowl of crab bisque for $9 much more than some fried fish and french fries. I ended up being able to eat one fish filet, and a few fries. Then I needed to stop. The stomach is a little cranky now, but I should be ok.

It gives me hope that I am getting closer to my sweet spot. I go back next Wednesday for my thrid fill. I need to really make an effort to pay attention to what and when I am eating, and when I stop eating. I think I should write it all down to make sure I am paying attention.

Today I had some oatmeal at 9, started to feel hungry-ish at 10:30 or so. Went and got a latte, and was good until 1:00 when I realized I was really hungry- but had to head to a meeting. I took with me half a banana, and a piece of string cheese. After the meeting I ate my few ounces of turkey meatloaf and felt better. At 4:00 I had a piece of dark chocolate, and left work at 5:30. Caught the bus about 20 minutes after that- and drank my little 8 oz V8, and ate another piece of cheese. I definitely needed to eat sooner than I did for lunch. I got too hungry- then I felt like I needed to eat more.

I am feeling guilty about not working out today at all, but I know I will be ok. I am coming down with a cold and feeling kinda blah today. Heading to bed now I think.

2nd Fill and all's well

2008-01-03T06:56:00.000-08:00

I had my second fill yesterday. It went well. I don't remember the woman's name who did it. She was someone I haven't met before, but she thought we had met- so she didn't introduce herself. I finally had to ask her name. Funny that I made a point of asking and still don't remember. DUH.

Anyway- good news on the weight loss front! Down 34.6 pounds! That's an average of 5 pounds a week! I was really excited. I did a dance right there in front of that total stranger. Didn't care. Would do it again in a minute. She had to take two whacks at sticking me yesterday- but she got it. I am at 5 ccs today. I noticed increased restriction yesterday morning when I tried to eat some yogurt. I was on soft foods yesterday- so not really sure how I felt. I was able to get some pineapple down yesterday evening- so I'd say I am maybe not quite to the green zone. We'll see how long it takes before I get hungry after eating. I keep forgetting to keep track of when I am eating. If I am getting hungry earlier than 4 hours or so, I still need fill.

Well, I woke up at normal workout time- and proceeded to sleep through it. Apparently I needed some sleep. I will hit the road tonight and bust my ass. Try for another half-mile run. I best get moving with my day now. Clothes to pick out, heels to pick out, and advil to take- I have a ripper headache this morning.

A New Year- A New Me

2008-01-01T13:28:00.000-08:00

As I was typing this title, I wondered how many other blog posts in all the world were entitled exactly the same or something very similar. The odds are a large majority considering all the uncreative people out there. Apparently, today I fit into that category. Whatever.

Well, we all made it into 08. Hopefully happily and with no regrets. It was an out and out delightful day. I had to work earlier in the day- so I got to work around 9, wore my brand new 3+" shiny pewter pumps (even was able to teeter out to grab a latte and work on perfecting my strut-believe me I need all the practice I can get in heels) enjoyed my co-workers thoroughly, and we all left around 1:30 or so. I headed to the mall along with the ENTIRE PLANET. It was quite the adventure getting into and out of a parking space there. LOTS of people. I headed to a new store I hadn't been to before, Torrid (for sizes 12-24) and they have really fun stuff! I bought myself some party-wear! I bought a black sequined halter top! And some sparkly earrings. It was a good decision.

I enjoyed New Year's Eve with my friends Cindy and Tom, and all their friends at a party. I haven't been out since my surgery- shit I haven't been out in a friggin' year! I wore the new items, a pair of jeans, and my new black platform slingback pumps. I was a lil hottie! I looked really good and I felt really good. Sadly there were no cute boys at the party to flirt with, but no matter- I felt good and I felt comfortable in my skin. WHAT A JOY that was. SO relaxing.

I had my first drinks since banding last night. I wasn't mixing, so I don't know how much liquor was in them, but I never seemed to achieve buzz. I have to steer clear of carbonation- which was tricky considering all the drinks made with fuzzy liquids. I ended up with sex on the beach- which was tasty. I wanted to try a flaming Dr. Pepper- but apparently you have to chug that. And it's made with beer- not so band-friendly on many levels. So I did a shared one with Cindy. I lit it, dropped the shot glass in the beer, took the first two drinks, then gave the remainder to Cindy. It was indeed flavored like Dr. Pepper- not unpleasant. The bubbles were an interesting sensation- I didn't experience any pain- but I did have to stand still and wait for the bubbles to work their way out. The burper works differently now- it's hard to explain- but I can't just burp- I have to wait until the band says it's ok. And it's the boss now.

We ended up getting back to C & T's around 3:30 a.m. or so. I decided to go back to the apartment. I don't know what it is, but I don't like staying there. Maybe I just needed some time by myself. I just like to sleep in my own bed with my kitty. I got home around 4 or so. I had a great time.

Today I woke up around 10:45 or so. Had a shower, headed out and got coffee and cat litter (weird combo, I know- but the catbox asked to be cleaned). I came back and proceeded to clean the shit out of this place. I don't have the vacuum cleaner here- so it isn't super clean, but I really de-cluttered. I threw out like 4 bags of trash and shoes and old magazines, cleaned out the fridge, etc. It feels good.

Husband is at the house in Silverdale- I am really enjoying my alone time.

Yesterday morning, I attained a new NSV (non-scale victory) I ran a half-mile during my morning workout. I am really proud of my accomplishment. I am also very sore! Between the running and all the heels I wore yesterday- the legs and hips are cranky.

Previously I mentioned my new heels- I went out and binge-purchased 5 pair of new high heels. It was one of my personal goals to be able to wear heels regularly without them hurting me so much I couldn't walk afterward. I had achieved that for the most part. I am happy that my weight will only go one direction- so they can only get more comfortable. I am really enjoying being fashionable, feeling feminine and TALL! I towered over most of the men at the party last night. It was fun. I was Hot-Zilla.

Among my other purchases was a new George Foreman grill. Since we are at the apt most of the time, I am unable to grill. So I decided to do it. The sucker cost me $85, but it's the fancy version with the temp control, and timer with digital readout. I haven't tried it yet, but plan to give it a go this week.

I have my second fill tomorrow morning at 8. I hope I get closer to the sweet spot. I have noticed I am feeling more hungry between meals- that the small portions aren't quite cutting it like they were 2 weeks ago. I don't know if it's because of muscle relaxation, visceral fat loss on my organs, or something else. I am really hoping they get me where I need to be tomorrow. I have a third fill scheduled in one week too, so it won't be much longer before we get it right.

C & T were really impressed at my weight loss and how I look. That felt good. They were shocked that I had done this, but they were certainly supportive.

Well, that's all I have for now. I have to go get the husband in Silverdale. I wish he would just come over here but it's not really cost-effective. (I guess)

Here's to a thinner new year!

Back After Life Takes Over

2007-12-19T22:10:00.000-08:00

I'm back after a small hiatus. I have been crazy busy at work and crazy busy taking care of myself. My total weight loss so far is 30 lbs. I am really happy with my progress!

My routine has been really steady. I work out at least once a day, at least 30-45 minutes a day. I also walk about 14 blocks getting to and from work each day from my bus stop. I feel stronger and stronger every day. My incisions are all mostly healed. The scabs have come off as has the adhesive from the surgical tape. My incisions are small and still red, but I imagine as time goes by, they will lighten in color.

I have been eating real food now for around a month. So far it's been by the book, "protein and then produce". For breakfast, it's two eggs and a slice of bacon, or a 1/2 cup of oatmeal and a few clementines. Lunch has been a small salad with a side of chicken or turkey. I also have been marinating frozen chicken tenderloins and baking them frozen (it stays more moist that way) and I take two of those along with a few spoonfuls of greenbeans or some other veggie. Dinner is some roast beef from a roast I make on the weekends or a little chili, or I'll even eat eggs again. I also make sure that I have some dark chocolate on hand if I am feeling munchy after I have eaten my dinner- when I want something sweet. The dark chocolate does a lot less damage calories-wise.

With the holidays upon us, it has been a challenge to steer clear of the sweets and treats and such. I allow myself a few pieces of chocolate or whatever. We recently had a potluck and I did very well taking the smallest bowl and having a little bit of everything I wanted. I didn't feel deprived and I got to participate in the social aspects of it all. I make and decorate special sugar cookies for the holidays each year and I spent two weekends in a row baking and decorating. I feel I did very well. Tried to remember that little saying I see at my surgeon's office "All Bites Count!"

I went in for my very first fill on the 13th of Dec. I was very apprehensive about it. I was worried about the needle, I was worried about it hurting, I was worried about them missing the port, or the port being tilted. It ended up working fine. She had to take two runs at it, but got it in on the 2nd attempt. My fill tech, Audrey mentioned that my port was placed really close to my ribs and she wasn't happy about that- but she said as I lose weight, the port will be easier to get to. Things shrink and shift.

I go in for my next fill on the 2nd of Jan. My parents are in town for the holidays and I decided to postpone it until after they leave. I will then go in again one week later and I should be getting pretty close to my green zone.

Right now, I don't feel too much restriction. Things feel different-and I have to be careful about eating things like cookie dough- it gets stuck pretty easily, but otherwise I am eating pretty close to what I ate after surgery. My portions have increased a little- and I get hungry a little quicker, so I am anxious to see how things change when I am in the sweet spot. I am still losing right now, but it will be nice not to feel hungry as much.

So that's my update and I will try to get a regular report on here as often as I can!

First Day Back At Work

2007-11-27T22:49:00.000-08:00

Today was my first day back at work after having the band installed. My coworkers all know why I was gone and what I had done. They were all very cool and welcoming. They had questions about how I was feeling, they all said I looked great (I was wearing pants that I haven't been able to wear in a long time!) and I felt like they sincerely missed me! It's nice to be valued and missed.

As far as eating goes today, I did very well. I had some cream of wheat before I went to work. I was going to have a banana too, but it turns out I didn't have room for it. I hopped the bus and got off a stop early like I did the week before my surgery-no sense in stopping doing that! So I walked to Starbucks and got my iced venti no-room americano with a dot of nonfat milk in it. Then headed to work. I sipped on my coffee for several hours.

After I finished it, I made a few batches of crystal light in my cup and drank those. The single-bottle serving packs are really convenient and make it easy for you to get all your waters in for the day.

At 11 or so, I needed to get out and walk a little and take a break. I walked around several blocks downtown, looking at the christmas decorations and people-watching. Then I decided that I needed at least 1 serving of milk today- so I hit the little italian espresso place and picked up a sugar-free vanilla nonfat latte. I liked that the barista was actually italian and had a thick accent. It allowed me to have the briefest daydream that I was in italy! Very nice!

So I went back to work, ate the other half of my dinner from last night- chicken salad wrap from Arby's (won't do that one again- Arby's has NO decent healthy food available!). After my hour lapsed, I started my crystal light regimine again.

Finished work, took a very swift walk to the bus. It's mostly uphill 7 blocks. It's a good little workout. I had some Madonna cranked and stomped up those hills to the beat. It went really fast. After standing for 30 minutes my express bus finally arrived.

I got home, changed into my workout clothes and went out walking. It was dark already of course, but not too cold. Cold enough to see my breath, but as long as I kept moving I didn't get cold. I enjoyed this evening's walk because I was really motivated by my good day, my good weightloss results, and how strong I felt. All those miles I put on in Montana everyday really paid off. I just felt really strong and healthy and capable of pushing myself physically. I busted my ass on my walk and really paid attention to my strides, and posture.

I also really enjoyed the holiday decorations people had out. The neighborhood to the west is fairly well-to-do, and they have some REALLY cute decorations out. I like that people put so much effort into them. I think it's neat.

I walked until I felt like I had done enough and was walking back home when the jostling of my belly from all the walking downhill made me place my hand on my belly to steady things-as I often do now. Upsettingly- I could feel my band moving around in there- it felt like it was catching on something over and over- it was an unpleasant painful clicking feeling. Same with the port area. Needless to say, I slowed down immediately.

I think I have to remember that I am not even 2 full weeks out from surgery- I need to remember to take it easy. I know that I have been really pushing myself during my recovery, and that it's good for me over all. But I need to be mindful that I am still healing and I might need to slow it down just a little until things are all seated and healed up.

I came back home, ate the 2nd half of a dinner I had a few days ago with the in-laws at a BBQ place in Montana. I had 2 St. Louis ribs, a few green beans, 1/2 a corn muffin, and 2 halves of a canned pear. Stopped just right. I might have veered off course of the mushy diet. It's been tough.

I then went to the store to pick up some much needed items. It was a challenge to find protein that would be easy to prepare on weeknights. I will have to do some cooking or planning during the weekends to make this work. I go fully to solid foods and produce on Thursday! I have salmon and whitefish and chicken tenderloins. And herb salad mix! I haven't had a good salad in weeks!

Oh- one other development- I called and scheduled my first fill today! December 13! I can't wait to see how it feels! I hope I hit the sweet spot in just a few fills!

Recovery, Week 2

2007-11-26T11:12:00.001-08:00

My surgery and recovery ran together with the Thanksgiving holidays like watercolors. My surgery was one week prior to Thanksgiving day. I also traveled the day before Thanksgiving day by car for 8-9 hours. Fortunately, I was still on liquids for the trip. The very next day I switched to mushies. I was able to add bananas, cream of wheat, crackers, tuna fish, canned salmon, canned fruit (no sugar added), cottage cheese. Since we didn't have the typical Thanksgiving feast this year (grandmother-in-law was in hospital, mother-in-law was recovering from shoulder surgery) I was able to stick to my mushies diet fairly well. I did get brave and start trying beef jerky.... and as long as I chewed the heck out of it in tiny bites, I was just fine eating that. (They have the BEST beef jerky here in Montana!)

I also made a large batch of homemade lasagna and parmesan garlic bread for the fam. No one likes to cook here and I do, so I always like to make some good food when I come. I had a salad plate with half a slice of lasagna and a small piece of bread. It was VERY good. I waited a little while and felt like I could have a little more so I had a little more lasagna and bread. I suppose that meal was the requisite "bad" meal for the holiday. I didn't feel too bad about it as I have been working out like a fiend here. It will balance out. (turns out that the lasagna didn't really agree with my system too well anyway- so I'm not tempted to take some home no matter how good it tasted)

I have returned to my coffee habit, which I am SO VERY grateful I didn't have to give up. I am an addict of massive proportions. There is no denying it. I have a giant caffeine-monkey on my back, and I give him whatever he wants. I would just like to say thank god for SF flavors and nonfat milk. During my normal workdays, I have a huge iced americano (espresso & water on ice- with a dash of nonfat milk) to start off my mornings. So I am grateful I can still do that too.

My bandages have started falling off. The first to go were the three that covered my largest incision for my port. Most of the others are curling and could go at any time, but I'm going to let them tell me when they are ready to be uncovered. The sensation around the largest incision is all numbed. It feels weird. I am able to sit up in bed without any pain in my abdominals anymore. I've been walking 1-3 miles a day here everyday. It's been good for me. I think I might have overdone it yesterday with the 3.2 miles I walked on this road that was extremely hilly. My legs are "barking" today.

According to the scale here (who knows how accurate it is) I have lost another pound in these few days here. That brings me to a grand total of 21 lbs lost so far in this journey. I am hoping it's actually more- but won't know till I go in for my first fill. I call tomorrow to schedule my first fill. I am excited to do it- all the swelling has pretty much gone away and I have started to actually feel hungry again. I am excited to get moving on the maintenance of this cool new contraption! And start losing these pounds like there's no tomorrow!

I need to really concentrate on staying hydrated. I find it's easier to do that when I am at work. I have a drinking obsession when I work, so it's easy to get all my liquids in and then some. Luckily I am located close to the water cooler and the bathroom!

Well, getting ready to get back to Seattle now. Catch you later!

jh

Recovery, Week 1

2007-11-25T08:58:00.000-08:00

The first week and a half after surgery, I really didn't have much of an appetite. The first few mornings upon waking, the largest feeling I had was pain from my incisions. Getting out of bed was an interesting prospect as you use your abdominal muscles quite a lot to sit up! But after getting upright, my main goal was usually to pee and then get some pain meds down me. This proved to be a challenge the first two days.

I would take my liquid Lortab, and then try to get down a little bite of yogurt. This would immediately make me nauseous. The first day, I managed to choke down some anti-nausea meds and then I went immediately back to bed. Laying down really helped. The next morning, I woke up at 4 a.m. or so hurting. I went and took some more pain meds, and again tried some thinned down yogurt- and again nausea. This time it wasn't cured by just laying down. I fought and fought to keep from vomiting- but in the end, I had to do it. It was incredibly painful, but luckily didn't last more than two good pushes.

I was really afraid that I did some damage to my band and I felt awful. Once that adventure was over, I got some more sleep. I felt fine when I woke up. I addressed the bandster boards and asked for advice on morning nausea- Most people said it was likely a reaction to the anesthesia from surgery. Happily, this problem never reared its ugly head again. I felt fine each morning after that.

Week one post-op was a culinary adventure in liquid goo. The goal was to find the most flavorful, lowest caloric items to put in the blender with nonfat milk and sip down in liquid form. There was a tie for the worst concoction I made. It was neck and neck between cheddar broccoli soup and campbell's tomato bisque. Neither of these soups are ones I recommend! They were really unpleasant. Otherwise, the week one liquid diet was fine. I wasn't really hungry at any point- so I wasn't really interested in food. (which is QUITE the change from my normal behaviors) Trying to stay hydrated was a difficult thing to do as well because I would get so full so quickly.

Each day walking helped me to recover quickly. I took to the walking with vigor and serious obsession. I ended up walking more and more each day. I didn't feel good unless I did so. It is absolutely true what your surgeon tells you! DO YOUR WALKING!

jh

Surgery Day

2007-11-24T12:19:00.000-08:00

The day of surgery, I was excited, but not nervous. I never really felt a large amount of anxiety about this decision during any portion of it. The most anxiety was probably centered around obtaining the funds on time for the procedure. It sounds very backwards, but I was very certain that this was the right choice for me. I've read many other people's blogs describing their feelings before surgery and the day of- and most expressed a great deal of nervousness about being put under, whether they would survive it, and just general jitters. The reason I address this is because I am a gigantic crazy person when it comes to flying- I just go mad. But knocking me out and stirring around my guts- Meh... whatever... it's fine! LOL

Anyway, my surgery was scheduled for 8:15 a.m. I was instructed to arrive there at 7:15 to prepare. After spending maybe 5 minutes in the waiting area, Matt and I were taken back to the prep area. The first thing they did was weigh me. After that sweet surprise, I was given a duffle bag with my name on the tag and taken to a changing area/ bathroom. Everything off. The always-gorgeous hospital gown on, then the robe on over it. Don't forget the sexy hospital footie-traction socks. I was stylin. They order their robes to fit the majority of their clients who are apparently much larger than me- and when I had that robe on, I felt like I was swimming in it! The upside was that with all that fabric, I was toasty warm.

They had me sit up in the special chair, and they started an IV. Took my blood pressure, and gave me a shot of heparin (blood thinner) in my thigh. I had a visit from the surgeon, praising me on my weight loss. He talked to me about making sure that I was up and walking at least 10 minutes, 4 times a day in order to heal well. The day OF surgery and beyond.

Then I met the anesthesiologist. He looked so tottery and old, the thought crossed my mind that he might not make it through the procedure! But he was nice enough. After another 10 minutes or so, the nurse came out to take me back. Kisses and hugs to husband and I was off.

She led me into the operating room and it was SO COLD in there! I was surprised. They were playing a catchy Sinatra song. They took my robe off, and had me get up on the table. I put my arms out on the T-shaped extensions made just for that. They put the robe back on me. Right away the anesthesiologist went to work on me- distracting me with questions about my hair color (I have a large amount of the front of my hair that is always a fuchsia color). The nurse asked me to breath deeply as they put an oxygen mask on me. The nurse said I would feel a little pain or strange feeling up my arm- but it just felt cold to me.... and then I was out. That's all I remember.

I woke up in the recovery area and the first thing I noticed that it was 11:15 or so. I asked the nurse if it was really 11. She said it was. She said that I needed more pain medication than they expected afterwards- so that knocked me out. I must have been making some noise or something for them to know that. I don't remember any of it.

They gave me some water immediately and asked me to start sipping on it. As I woke up more and more, they asked if I wanted to see my husband. I said yes, of course. He came back, and we talked a little. I gingerly felt my tummy to see what they did- it didn't really hurt at that point. They had me sit up and start to get a little more awake. After 30 minutes or so, they had me get up and move to an area where I could change into my street clothes while Matt went and moved the car to the discharge area. I changed, they handed me a bottle of water, and led me to the door.

Matt drove home, I sipped water, and drifted in and out of consciousness. My beetle is so low to the ground, that getting out of it was quite the challenge. Rather painful overall. I went and got my tennis shoes on, and my hoodie. Matt grabbed the umbrella as it was pouring rain outside- and off we went for a 10 minute walk. I was pretty out of it anyway- so I don't remember much of it- I just remember asking Matt if this was 10 minutes. He said definitely. After the walk I took my pain medication and anti-nausea medication and went straight to bed. My kitty joined me of course. I slept for 2-3 hours, and got up. Felt hungry and had some thinned-out cream of chicken soup. I ate about 1/2 cup and walked around the apartment for 10 minutes. Then I went back to sleep.

jh

Pre-Op Experiences

2007-11-23T21:24:00.000-08:00

When I finally decided to move forward with the band, I had attended a required seminar about 3 months prior. I called NWWLS and scheduled my required psychological evaluation, my nurses consultation, as well as my surgeon consultation.

Within days, I had my psych evaluation with their in-house psychiatrist Linda. Linda's job is to make sure that you have your head on straight about losing weight, your over all expectations of living a life with the band, and to make sure you aren't too depressed or too extreme in any facet of your thinking. If you are in touch with the reality that is being obese and what it takes to overcome that hurdle, you are typically ready. She recommended that I was an excellent candidate for the band, and that I be open to receiving additional counseling, should the need arise.

My nurse's consult with Ethel/Edith, e-something (sorry, she's really sweet, I just can't remember her name) went very well. She took my vitals, went through a short questionnaire and then went over the high points of the booklet they give you that is essentially the "Bander's Bible". It's a guidebook that covers all the things that you can typically expect before surgery, right after surgery, 1 week post-op, 2 weeks post-op, and onward. It also addresses the behavior adjustment aspect of living with the band and making weightloss a priority.

My surgeon's consult was with Dr. Michaelson. He showed my husband and I actual photos of the operation, described what would happen, and then talked to me about reducing the size of my liver before surgery. He stressed that I must lose 7-10 pounds prior to surgery in order to shrink the size of my liver. This makes the surgery much easier to perform, and ensures that the placement of the band and the few sutures they must place in the stomach to secure the band, are tight and in the proper place. Losing that much weight in a week is expected by going on a mostly liquid diet of protein shakes, and one Lean Cuisine for your evening meal. The Dr. then lead me to the examination room, where he listened to my lungs, and poked around my belly to make sure there was nothing weird going on there.

We were then lead to the administrative people to schedule the surgery, schedule payment, and have a "before" photo taken. They sat me down and proposed a surgery date that was one week out! I was stunned, excited, and madly calculating in my head how quickly I could get the funds to pay for it! I agreed on the 1 week date, and got additional directions on my liquid diet. The administrative person and the surgeon recommended going out for a "Last Meal" that evening as I would be starting on the liquid diet the next morning!

I had Matt (my hubby) take me to The Melting Pot on Queen Anne that evening. It was a lovely meal, but I was SO full that I couldn't possibly do dessert. Which is why I wanted to go there in the first place! It was disappointing, but I got a card for free dessert next time we go there. So maybe for a b-day or something we'll try it again... JUST dessert though- I won't be able to eat anything more than that!

I went out and picked up several packs of EAS Protein shakes in the requisite vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry, and then picked up 7 Lean Cuisine Entrees. That was it. This was my world in terms of food for the next week. The shakes weren't too bad. They stuck with me pretty well, but I needed to drink a LOT of water, crystal light, and iced americanos to keep from being hungry. And I mean A LOT! I was in the bathroom more often that week than I was at my desk at work! In the afternoons, I had the hardest time, feeling lightheaded, really shakey, nauseous, and run-down.

It turns out I misunderstood the directions of the diet on how many shakes to have per day. I thought it was 2 shakes a day, and one Lean Cuisine at night. I was ingesting a total of around 400 to 500 calories per day- which is QUITE a drop in calories! I called up the clinic about half way through the week and asked how many calories I was supposed to have per day because I felt like crap. I was straightened out when they said I was supposed to have 3-4 shakes a day plus the meal! So I was elated to be able to have a little more to eat!

After the misunderstanding with the amt of food, getting extra exercise whenever I could, and working my tail off at home over the weekend, come the day of the surgery when I got on the scale, I got the HUGEST surprise! I had lost 16 pounds in 7 or 8 days! It was completely crazy. I was really happy and the surgeon was as well. It was the best start to this journey!

The Beginning

2007-11-23T21:06:00.001-08:00

I've decided to keep a blog documenting my journey and life after having adjustable gastric banding. Gastric banding is a restrictive, adjustable band that is placed on the upper portion of the stomach. The placement of the band coincides with the nerves in the stomach that register satiety. When a normal stomach receives food, it fills from the bottom up, and once the top is reached, the nerves tell the brain that it's full and it's time to stop eating. The band restricts the stomach at the top, allowing one to fill the stomach from the top down. The band allows about 1/2 cup capacity for your new stomach, and this restriction in capacity allows you to feel fuller faster, and also longer.

After months and months of research, seminars, watching a "live" webcast of the surgery, and reading others' blogs of their experiences, I decided to go for it. I was unable to get my insurance to pay for it. I was fortunate to have the resources available to me to self-pay.

I received my band on November 15, 2007. I had my band "installed" at North West Weight Loss Center in Everett, WA. My Dr. was Dr. Robert Michaelson. If you are interested in getting a LapBand, and live near Washington state, this clinic is the one to choose. This procedure is ALL they do. They are specialists. Everyone employed at this clinic has a LapBand and that is a huge resource available to you as a patient. They have ALL been through the things you are going through, the unique strangeness that is the LapBand, and all the ups and downs in the process of healing, living and succeeding with it.

Now that I have provided you with a background of what my blog is about, I can go ahead and close this post.